I will not comment on the dynamics, because others have given you good advice, but my dd1 went through a phase at 2.5 where she purposely hurt dd2 to get attention. I would hold her from hitting, etc and say firmly "I will NOT allow you to hurt dd2." That plus running to dd2's rescue and fawning over her while ignoring dd1 seemed to have the biggest impact.
Post by asoctoberfalls on Oct 20, 2014 7:30:55 GMT -5
I agree with others who have said they would step in and parent. I would as well. However, my kid is usually the aggressive one, and I can't over-emphasize how much it sucks. It's embarrassing to know that other people are judging you, and it hurts to know that people cringe when they see your kiddo, whom you adore, enter the room. I am sure my son's daycare teacher loves when he's not around. I HATE it.
That being said, I DO parent my child, and I'm on top of it when his behavior starts to get out of control. Your SIL sounds like she's in denial. In that situation, you have to monitor every interaction, and be prepared to remove your child if things get out of hand. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I think SIL is lying to herself and gets defensive as the lie is harder to maintain.
My guess is that older niece probably didn't need much parenting and your SIL is treating younger niece the same way. This dynamic happened with my family - I was very self motivated, my brother was not, and my mom was a very hippie parent who let us do whatever we wanted. My brother was not aggressive but is kind of lazy and at 35 still can't support himself well. He definitely needed more rules and structure.
Anyway, my point is your younger niece needs parenting and your SIL is incapable. You've gotten some great advice so I won't add to it. MAJOR PROPS to you for being so patient. I would be way more irritated at SIL.
Post by asoctoberfalls on Oct 20, 2014 8:09:50 GMT -5
I also wanted to add that your H needs to remember, your niece is not a bad kid. She needs guidance, structure, and consequences that she is not getting right now. It's her parents' job to provide these things. I mean, she's 2.5. She's doing what works for her. The adults in her life need to shape her environment such that she no longer obtains her desired outcome by being violent.
<--- somewhat defensive parent of a violent kid...we are working hard on it!
I also wanted to add that your H needs to remember, your niece is not a bad kid. She needs guidance, structure, and consequences that she is not getting right now. It's her parents' job to provide these things. I mean, she's 2.5. She's doing what works for her. The adults in her life need to shape her environment such that she no longer obtains her desired outcome by being violent.
<--- somewhat defensive parent of a violent kid...we are working hard on it!
don't worry, i frequently tell him he needs to not be mad at her, she's 2.5 and is far from bad (i don't really think kids are "bad").
and i do feel for sil. parenting is never easy but this especially cannot be. but she does need to actually do something!
My son can get pushy with his cousin (they're 3 weeks apart) and I will get on DS' level and say "we do NOT hit our friend/cousin/whomever. It is NOT NICE." (firm voice) "You go tell cousin you are sorry and give him a hug. Do not do ___ again". DS is 2+1/4 now and I am constantly making sure I do not have a little demon on my hands. I do not let him be a bully and I know at school that kind of thing is addressed with the quickness. I will take away toys or shut things down if he's being mean or out of control, and I will make DS leave the 'party' be asking "do you want to go upstairs?" (and away from the fun). He does not.
He's a lot bigger than other kids at 2, but he seems able to hold his own. We went to a 1+3 year old combined party this weekend and other than refusing to leave the playground area, he was great playing with his friends and the strangers' kids that were on the playground.
If OP's SIL+BIL are in lalaland about their preshus being mean and a bully, you have to protect your kid, at all costs. I would always remove DS if his cousin was being a bully. ALWAYS. And I'd absolutely tell SIL/BIL "until you can address lilSuzy's bullying like an adult and acknowledge that she is intentionally mean to my kid, we cannot be around you. I will not let my child be injured on my watch to playcate your delicate proclivities." and then LEAVE. You have to always be willing to remove your kid from injury and if your neice is the one hurting your kid, and her parents will not address the bad behavior, you take your kid out of the equation. Until there are real and actual consequences, your BIL/SIL will excuse away lilSuzy's bad behavior for FOREVER. Someone has to tell her she's not being nice and the consquence is no one will want to be around you. Right now, SIL/BIL will have to feel this solitude, but at some point, Niece is going to become the kid every other parent wants out of their kid's classroom.