Online dating messaging - how much effort do you put in?

[mysterons]

If a guy messages you first, how do you handle it? Do you "work" to keep the conversation going? I'm a good conversationalist but I feel like I may need to reign it in a little and let him do the pursuing... Thoughts? It's such a delicate balance. In an ideal world, he would be making his intentions clear and come after me, but am I expecting too much. Tell me how to date

[doriswe]

I always end on a question. Always. That way, if they're interested, they'll have something to respond back about.

[mysterons]

Thanks for your reply. I agree that that ending on a question is the way to go. But what if the guy doesn't end on a question? Let it go?

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 24, 2014 11:53:15 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I always end on a question. Always. That way, if they're interested, they'll have something to respond back about.

this ...

this may sound completely OLD FASHIONED and very Rules-ish (remember that book !) but I don't chase guys online. they have to come to me first. if I learned anything post-separation, it's that I don't need to waste time on those who aren't interested. let them come to you and take it from there -- I spent too much time chasing guys who didn't want to be chased by me. call it self preservation but it works.

also if they don't respond back, I don't keep sending them messages. if its meant to be, they'll shoot me a message. if not, NEXT ! 

eta: in my OKC inbox i found a message from a very cute foodie/hockey fan ... last time i texted him was like 3 weeks ago .... pretty much wrote him off. mmm guess who decided to message me tonight ... yep ! proof that if its meant to be, they'll find a way into your inbox lol

[Deleted]

I'm always sure to have a question somewhere in the message but may not end on it. I don't put a ton if effort into messaging. I'd rather meet. Of course I gave up online dating so take my advice with a grain of salt.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

If I feel like I'm having to work too hard, I lose interest. I need someone who can take a random thought I have and roll with it. If there's no give and take or chemistry, I quit the conversation. So usually I put lots of effort into messages.

[stephreloaded]

Oct 24, 2014 12:15:04 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'm always sure to have a question somewhere in the message but may not end on it. I don't put a ton if effort into messaging. I'd rather meet. Of course I gave up online dating so take my advice with a grain of salt.

This, all of this, including giving up online dating. 

I feel like if I need to make a big effort in texting, there might not be enough chemistry there. I might do it for a very short period of time but if it feels forced then I just stop texting. 

[doriswe]

Oct 24, 2014 12:01:59 GMT -5 mysterons said:

Thanks for your reply. I agree that that ending on a question is the way to go. But what if the guy doesn't end on a question? Let it go?

Depends on what he wrote. Are you interested in him? Then I'd email him back and try to initiate a conversation. If not, I'd let it go.

[Wanderista]

I agree with the idea that if you have some kind of mental chemistry with the person then messaging should be pretty easy. That's not the same as physical chemistry but weirdly, I can generally tell if there's going to be physical chemistry if the mental chemistry is good. (I only talked to guys with clear photos). I haven't really planned for it to be that way but that's generally how it has worked out.

I mostly just replied to messages that guys sent me but that's not how I got to know the guy I'm dating now. There were a couple of random nights where I did this thing called "QuickMatch" I think on OkC. It is where you go through a bunch of photos and rate them. If you really like someone then you can look up their full profile and/or write them a message. There were two nights where I sat down and did that instead of just replying to guys who wrote me. One of those guys replied to me and was all interested. He started talking and we had a lot in common. When he wrote me, I thought, "Oh hello! When did I write to this one?" I will say that I was the one who had to say, "Allright, dude, let's meet," after we'd been hitting it off with the messages. 

Basically, talk with them enough to determine if there is chemistry. If there is then you'll look forward to talking with them. If you're struggling to talk with someone then don't worry, you don't have to keep talking to them.  Honestly where I probably wasted a little time was when I would keep messaging with guys to be nice when I wasn't really into them.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 12:01:59 GMT -5 mysterons said:

Thanks for your reply. I agree that that ending on a question is the way to go. But what if the guy doesn't end on a question? Let it go?

If you aren't that interested, yes. If you think you might be, just comment on something he said or change the subject (so, what do you have going on this weekend?). If he doesn't respond, I'd drop communication, but up to that point I would assume the conversation is a 2 way street.

When I did online dating, I never sent the first message - mostly because I had no idea what to say, though. I did try to end each communication with a question, or at least a statement that invites further discussion. I also didn't exchange more than a handful of messages before meeting - maybe 5-6 back and forth messages. I think it's easy for things to get stale when you're just trying to make smalltalk with someone you don't know much about.

[calle28]

I guess it all depends. Sometimes the conversation flows, but it's usually awkward and forced. Which is why I'm not doing online dating right now.

[achase123]

I am not doing online dating right now but when I did my goal would be to keep the banter to a minimum until we met.  Otherwise it's a lot of wasted energy and you build up expectations in your mind whether you meant to or not.  I'd suggest meeting up for a drink or coffee and see what they say.

[achase123]

Oct 24, 2014 13:32:47 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

Oct 24, 2014 12:15:04 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'm always sure to have a question somewhere in the message but may not end on it. I don't put a ton if effort into messaging. I'd rather meet. Of course I gave up online dating so take my advice with a grain of salt.

This, all of this, including giving up online dating. 

I feel like if I need to make a big effort in texting, there might not be enough chemistry there. I might do it for a very short period of time but if it feels forced then I just stop texting. 

I'm of the mindset that if someone "isn't a good texter" they're just not that into me.  I hadn't heard rom the CFA from San Francisco since last Friday so I assumed he'd ghosted.  Then he texted me out of the blue asking if I was rooting for the Giants.  Uhhhh, yes, of course.  I just said "oh hey stranger" because I wanted to convey that I thought he'd moved on.  Maybe I'm too quick to jump to conclusions but I text all day everyday regarding work and personal.  it's just the way people communicate now.  And it's not like he was picking up the phone to CALL either.  I say a lack of communication isn't good.

[glitzyglow]

I normally include a question or prompt for that person to answer or pick on. Most of them do, but sometimes you come across someone who just doesn't. I drop those people. I'm not going to force the conversation and if you can't type something where you sound remotely interested, then I'm not going to put effort into it. It especially sucks when someone does start but can't seem to understand how conversation works, lol.