SAH funk/vent, need encouragement

[auberge]

So I've been a SAHM for year now and I have days that I'm super grateful then I have days like today that I'm just tired of being at home. I feel sad that I have absolutely no time for myself. My H helps when he is home but I still feel on 24/7.
It's also bothering me I have very little $$ to spend frivolously. I know that sounds bad but I miss making my own money and being able to shop/treat myself more freely. We have to be more conscious of how we spend our money and it's depressing.

I think about returning to work and then I feel guilty. Staying at home with my son wasn't an option and now that I have a choice it's somehow harder to leave her. I applied for a few jobs last month and didn't hear anything. That also depressed me.

Lastly, my dd wakes up at 5:30am every morning and it's getting to us. We both need more sleep because we stay up too late at night. By the time both kids are asleep we have an hour or two and that's no enough. We haven't had any couple time in awhile. We don't have help and having to be conservative with our money doesn't help either.

I need to get out of this funk.

[lilac05]

I have no advice, just wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

[zeewifeandmama]

Sorry, no help ... Only commiseration. All of this is exacerbated for me by the fact that we just moved across the country 3 months ago.

[gogadgetgo]

First of all, lots of hugs. As a SAHM, I'm in your same shoes. I'm often on my own from wake up to bedtime due to the hours my DH works. It's hard and somedays it feels downright impossible. On top of all the usual childcare/household business, I'm back in school and trying to squeeze in time to study is hard. Me time almost never happens.

The only thing that really saves me is I have a good friend who is our primary babysitter. She works part time and is pretty available to come over when I need a break. Just this week I took 2 hours at night to go have a cup of coffee and get some school work done. It doesn't happen all the time but those 2 hours really helped my sanity.

I know you are trying to save/not spend money but is there any wiggle room for a treat? Like you know you can get X every wednesday? Or find a sitter so you can get out of the house on your own for an hour or two every other week?

I feel like I speak like I have the answers but I have trouble implementing any change myself. Just know I understand and offer lots of hugs!

[lilac05]

I've been meaning to ask a friend about doing a child share type thing once a week. I take her kids one morning, she takes mine one morning. Or one week/the next week...whatever works. Then we both get a break, the kids get a play date, and it doesn't cost anything.

[indylady]

Right there with you. We only have one child but I waffle between wanting to stay at home and wanting to work. Then I feel guilty for feeling ungrateful! I don't have a solution but you're not alone.

[dancingirl21]

I'm sorry, sounds like you are in a tough place right now.

I will very likely become a SAHM in the next 6 months and lately I have been feeling very nervous about it. My H also works crazy hours and is out of the house by 5:30am and not back until 7 most nights. ALL of the parenting would be on me then, with the exception of weekends. I can see myself resenting my husband to some degree and that's not a place we need to go. So, I plan to think hard about it before making a final decision.

If you truly don't like it, maybe you can keep looking for a job, even something part time that gets you out of the house for a few hours a week. I also like the suggestion from others of seeing if a friend could watch your children just a couple of hours a week so you can go to a park and read a book alone. You can return the favor as well. Don't feel guilty. You are doing what is best for you and your kids.

[minzy]

I would try to get more sleep by going to bed earlier.  I have noticed this past year, with a lousy sleeper of my own, that once sleep improved, everything else did too.  Once we were sleeping better, I started exercising more (workout DVD in my basement = free), and now I feel like I'm emerging from the fog of having a second kid.  I meet with my book friends once a month (we pick older books so they're usually available at the library) and that's otherwise a negligible cost.  Although it's not actually couple time, getting away alone even to Target for an hour sort of boosts us as a couple because we appreciate that the other is holding down the fort.  I was trying to implement a weekly, very low expectation, five minute free date at home, and we've sort of slacked on it lately, but it was cheesy stuff like taking our picture, dancing to our wedding song, giving backrubs, taking quizzes about each other, etc.  Hang in there!

[diapersnwipes]

I've been home for 3.5 years and feel the same way frequently. The only thing that makes me feel a little better is knowing that even when I worked I had days that sucked. Staying home is no different.

Have you tried any (free or low cost) classes? Sometimes shaking up your routine helps.

I can't see how old your child is but I know the first year or so is absolutely dreadful for me. Once I got my kids to one nap I suddenly enjoy being home more. I don't feel as confined to the house.

Good luck. It's challenging no matter if you work or stay home.

[spanikopita]

I'm right with you. Word for word.

[ktw]

I work part time, M-W, and am off with G on Thursdays and Fridays. Even just being home two days, there are some days I feel like I'm going to lose my mind by mid-afternoon. We just moved and I joined a gym with a daycare. Obviously it costs money, but if you can swing it, it's been a really good break for me, and it forces me to work out if I want the break. Win-win!

[bunch]

I'm sorry. I have bad days too. In regards to the 5:30 wake up, have you considered letting her CIO? My dd2 was waking early but was obviously tired. I left her until 7 for a few days and she generall started sleeping significantly longer. She did still wake around 6 a few times a week until I weaned and has slept until 7+ every day since.

[auberge]

Oct 24, 2014 13:27:35 GMT -5 bunch said:

I'm sorry. I have bad days too. In regards to the 5:30 wake up, have you considered letting her CIO? My dd2 was waking early but was obviously tired. I left her until 7 for a few days and she generall started sleeping significantly longer. She did still wake around 6 a few times a week until I weaned and has slept until 7+ every day since.

We've tried CIO and it's worked somewhat for every time except the morning. She is relentless.

[bunch]

Oct 24, 2014 13:35:10 GMT -5 auberge said:

Oct 24, 2014 13:27:35 GMT -5 bunch said:

I'm sorry. I have bad days too. In regards to the 5:30 wake up, have you considered letting her CIO? My dd2 was waking early but was obviously tired. I left her until 7 for a few days and she generall started sleeping significantly longer. She did still wake around 6 a few times a week until I weaned and has slept until 7+ every day since.

We've tried CIO and it's worked somewhat for every time except the morning. She is relentless.

Boo, sorry

[starlily]

I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Hugs friend.

[rex]

i am sorry. i have these days too.

sometimes i feel like an idiot for not working, but i live in a state with one of the highest daycare costs so the amount i would need to make to cover
daycare and add income is more than is possible in my field without further education that i am not sure i want.

so on days it's bad i try to remind myself why i am at home with L. it helps. dessert or alcohol and mindless tv also help.

[scribellesam]

I'm with you on the money thing, it's hard not to have any "fun money" for myself and have to strictly add everything to the budget to make sure we're staying within our income. I'd love to be able to pay for a wider variety of activities for DS1 or go out with friends more than once a month.

My flip side is that I absolutely hated working so I can deal with feeling a bit poor if it means I don't have to sit at a desk all day. I'm worried about my stress levels for the next year though, being home with two kids full time.

[sent]

Oct 24, 2014 13:20:23 GMT -5 ktw said:

I work part time, M-W, and am off with G on Thursdays and Fridays. Even just being home two days, there are some days I feel like I'm going to lose my mind by mid-afternoon. We just moved and I joined a gym with a daycare. Obviously it costs money, but if you can swing it, it's been a really good break for me, and it forces me to work out if I want the break. Win-win!

This is me, minus the gym daycare. I joined stroller class but I've been too depressed to attend recently and DD hates being cooped up in the stroller for that long. Next week I am home with DD all week. She has no nap routine and I am at a loss how to plan our day and outings. I feel like I drag through the whole day waiting for her to nap so I can get a break.  Instead I wind up with days like today where no naps happened so I got nothing done except folding some laundry. Even our outings were miserable with traffic, crowds, out of stock winter wear, and DD threatening to nap in her stroller but perking awake each time we returned home. 

[hausmaus]

Just want to let you know you're not alone. I have been spending my evenings job searching when I know it won't even be worth me working with three in daycare. I also know I'd be miserable trying to coordinate working with DS and school, etc. Guess the grass is always greener.

Do you have other SAHM friends you can get together with? We just moved cross country and I'm realizing what a difference it makes having that support system. Currently, I try to get to the park, story time at the library and the mall play area to get everyone out. I find that even getting out for an hour or two makes such a difference in my mood.

Also, is your DD under a year? DS is 11 months and I've been running on no sleep since he was born. I know it'll get better once he actually sleeps and am just trying to power through it for now.

[hermione]

Is working part time an option? I find it to be the best of both worlds but I recognize that I extremely lucky in that my Mom watches C for free. Part time would not be worth it if we were paying for daycare.

Mostly I'm just here to offer support and say I'm sorry you're in a funk.

[Deleted]

Hugs. It is hard. TBH this is part of the reason I milk cows with H when I'm home and work part-time. I spent one winter pretty trapped in the house with baby DD and never again.

So right now I milk cows in the morning and work at a school 2 days a week. It's just enough that I feel fulfilled and on a schedule but I still have plenty of kid/errand/activity time.

I know none of this applies to you but these things help:

*I try to keep a routine and a loose schedule. One smaller activity a week for the kids, One bigger activity each week, and one smaller activities at home everyday (art project, cooking...anything not free play basically).

*I cut myself slack. My house will not be clean because I'm in and out of it all day. My house was actually cleaner when I worked full-time because no one was home 8 hours a day. It's okay to live and use your house. It's not a museum. Just because I'm here all day doesn't mean every meal is going to be gourmet. Sometimes I go pick up take bake pizza with the kids because they love the drive (lots of leaves and things to see right now), it kills 20 minutes and the kids love pizza party night. I buy pre-prepped deli stuff all the time for a lot of reason.

*I look at treats differently. They don't always have to be big nights out, new purses whatever. DD and I do our own pedis. It's bonding time and $3.99 new nail polish is still a treat but not a budget breaking splurge, kwim? I buy the coffee creamer I like and love. Same with wine. I do it with makeup too. I get what I want and love because I'm using it anyways. At naptime I have no guilt about playing on here, reading, or catching up on TV. I've been since 445.

*When my Mom/MIL/teenage babysitter asks what they can do, I tell them.

*I try to meet up with other friends, take the kids to ECFE etc. Other people to talk to, free/low cost.

[lulu21]

I have no advice, but I feel the same way. I'm 7 months into SAH. I'm starting to go batty. I've been toying trying to find part time stuff, but haven't heard back. I think letting J go to daycare or have a nanny a couple days a week will do us both good. I've joined mommy meet up groups, frequent free activities, and take lots of walks.