Moms are greatest influence on kid's body image

[downtoearth]

After the fat shaming post, I thought this article referenced in Mighty Girl was interesting.

Experts: Mom has biggest impact on girls' body image

Women urged to avoid talk of diet, weight with young daughters.

Hannah McKenna wears her hair in two braided pigtails. She watches "Backyardigans" on Nick Jr. She is far away from those tough teenage years.

Yet, Hannah came home this summer with a scary question for her mom: "Can I go on a diet?"

Scary for Susie McKenna because Hannah is only 8, and the Zionsville, Ind., mom wasn't sure why diet was even in her daughter's vocabulary.

"I try to never say anything about weight," said McKenna, who also has 3-year-old daughter Amelia. "I don't do the diets where you replace a meal with a shake. I don't want her to ever see me eating differently than the rest of the family."

McKenna is right on point when it comes to helping her young daughters develop a positive body image — avoiding talk about weight, diets and outer appearances, experts say.

Because it's not the media or skinny, out-of-proportion Barbie dolls or even peer pressure that is the No. 1 cause of body issues for young girls.

It's their mothers.

"Moms are probably the most important influence on a daughter's body image," said Dr. Leslie Sim, clinical director of Mayo Clinic's eating disorders program and a child psychologist. "Even if a mom says to the daughter, 'You look so beautiful, but I'm so fat,' it can be detrimental."

Research has shown time and time again that the same-sex parent is the most important role model for a child. So when it comes to weight and body issues, Sim has strong opinions on what mothers should be doing.

"Zero talk about dieting, zero talk about weight," she said. "Zero comments not only about your daughter's weight, obviously, but zero talk about your weight and even other people's weight."

Hannah said her request to go on a diet had less to do with weight and more to do with wanting to be healthier after a nutrition lesson at soccer camp this summer.

"We had been talking about like not eating sugar and what was protein and what was grain," Hannah said. "I'm like 'Hmm.' I started thinking about a diet then."

Of course, McKenna nixed that idea. She stuck with her focus on lifestyle, instead.

"I always frame it as we want to do this to be healthier," she said.

It's a mother-daughter example that Kelley Stokesbary wishes was mimicked by more families.

As council director for Girls on the Run of Hamilton County, a nonprofit with a mission to inspire young girls to be healthy and confident, she sees the negative effects moms talking about weight can have on girls.

The program caters to third-, fourth- and fifth-graders. But Stokesbary is convinced girls with negative body images are "picking it up from home" as young as kindergarten and first grade.

"They are learning it from Mom and Grandma," she said.

Stokesbary encourages moms to replace talk about outer appearances with compliments on the "math facts she aced or that she delivered a funny joke successfully."

"Take away the external focus," she said.

Stokesbary isn't just speaking as an expert, either. She is also the mother of 11-year-old Maddie, a sixth-grader.

The two got involved in Girls on the Run when Maddie was in third grade and came home talking about how her thighs were big and asking why she wasn't built like other girls.

The program has worked. Now, Maddie will call her mom out if she is focusing too much on her own outward appearance.

But there is the occasional hiccup. Stokesbary recently found her daughter talking about an article about "how to get middle school skinny in two weeks."

Maddie says she knows that type of talk is crazy, but she has in the past worried about her weight.

Before she found out she was intolerant to gluten, it would cause her stomach to bloat. She would get called mean names at school.

"I felt because all my friends are really thin I thought that maybe I should try to eat less," she said.

Instead, with the help of her mom, she is focusing on eating healthy.

Moms should talk about natural body changes in young girls, especially when they are hitting puberty. Weight gain is normal during that time.

The consequences of not encouraging a healthy body image can lead to low self-esteem, depression and eating disorders. There has even been research that links cigarette smoking to girls with negative body images, perhaps because they think it will help curtail their hunger.

Christy Glesing says she made a conscious decision when her three girls were babies to not only be a good role model, but to also avoid talking about weight altogether around them.

"I purposefully don't talk about dieting," said Glesing, Indianapolis, the mother of 14-year-old Shannon, 12-year-old Ashley and 9-year-old Payton. "Even if I think I need to lose a few pounds."

The subject has always made her uncomfortable. She didn't like hearing girlfriends talk about how they needed to lose weight in high school and she doesn't want her daughters to have to hear it from her now.

Instead, she leads by example. That includes a family tradition of getting up early with the girls to make healthy smoothies for breakfast. She and her husband, Jon, have also been physically active as a couple and all three girls are in swimming.

Even with the efforts, there has been occasional talk of dieting from her daughters.

When that happens, Glesing said she takes a behind-the-scenes approach, replacing the junk food in the cabinets with healthier foods and stepping up her own healthy eating in front of the girls.

"It is leading by example," she said. "Can we do better? Yes. We can always do better. But the key is leaving a positive message for them."

www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/08/23/moms-daughters-influence-body-image/2690921/

[ttt]

I have made a serious effort to never, ever let my daughters hear me complain about my weight, call myself fat, etc. I heard this all the time - I mean ALL the time - when I was growing up (my mom saying it about herself), and it really messed with my head (and, I suspect, my brother's too, given his obsession with food and fitness and serious disdain towards anyone who doesn't lead the perfect healthy lifestyle).

[emilyj]

I love my mom to death, but she was absolutely horrible about this with me. No concept of healthy eating growing up, a lot of focus on weight and body looks...ugh. She's still really bad about it. She will usually always make a comment on my weight, or how my body looks in some way. This year for my birthday, she gave me these things called "Skinny T's" I asked her what they were - layering shirts, stand alone tanks? Because I didn't know. She said she wears them because they are good for "smoothing out the lumps and bumps." I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

[Daria Morgandorffer]

Aside from sudden death or life threatening illness, eating disorders are my #1 fear for my child. My favorite aunt killed herself after battling with Anorexia and Bulimia for 20 years, and she unfortunately passed some of that mindset to me when I was with her which I still struggle with to this day. It is so goddamn easy to pass negative body image issues on to children without realizing it.

[mbcdefg]

My mom makes a LOT of comments about weight - she would comment on people she saw on the street when we were in the car, she'd sing songs about people being fat ("Fat and Skinny had a race, all round the pillowcase"), she would blame people's attitudes on their weight ("She's just nasty because she's fat"). I'm really overweight myself and she's made some comments here and there - shopping for a wedding dress with her was not very fun

It clicked for me one day when she said that, growing up, her mother/my grandmother once taped a photo of a circus fat lady to the fridge and wrote my mom's name on it to discourage her from eating. My mom's been thin her whole life, and my grandma probably never got up over 100 lbs. My mom said it matter-of-factly, without anything in her tone to suggest how fucked up this was. I don't think she gets it, or will ever get it. It's "normal" to her that fat people should be ashamed.

If we have kids, I want to encourage them to have a healthy lifestyle, not to just be thin so they can be "pretty." Both MH and I are overweight and have some bad health habits so we would need to do a serious lifestyle change in order to set a good example.

And I want them to know that beauty shouldn't depend on what a person looks like, and an overweight person isn't any less deserving of respect or love. But at the same time I hope I can instill a healthy lifestyle and good habits in them so they don't become overweight like me ... because, really, it's no fun to be fat. I know it makes me a total hypocrite, but I want them to be in shape and be able to wear cute clothes and not leave a dressing room crying because nothing fits.

[kapoentje]

McKenna is right on point when it comes to helping her young daughters develop a positive body image — avoiding talk about weight, diets and outer appearances, experts say.

God, I worry about this -- but not as much regarding weight specifically. I have a horrible habit of making negative comments about my physical appearance in general. I do it all the time, without thinking, owing to my own low self esteem and, of course, my mother doing the exact same thing to herself throughout my childhood and still to this day.

I'm trying to curb it, for Kapoentje's sake as well as my own, but it's so firmly entrenched.

[teengirlsquad]

My mom is always talking about her weight. She has basically dieted her whole life and totally screwed up her metabolism. She is super critical about her body. Weight is always a topic. I have tried and tried to encourage her away from it. It has totally messed with the way I view my body. I have body image issues, but I am fight them. I refuse to own a scale and I will not count calories because its such a slippery slope for me to fall into disordered eating. I hope if I have a daughter one day that I can break the cycle and never talk about dieting or weight and she will grow up more oblivious to it all.

I'm just so tired of hearing my mom always talk about weight. She ran into an old teacher of mine the other day, and one of the things she commented on was that the teacher had gained some weight. And I just wanted to yell at her and be like why is that what you notice and chose to talk about.

[starlily]

Excellent article. Having DD1 was pretty much what forced me to change how I eat. I still need to lose weight, but I've been off the starve and then binge carousel since having her because i want to model "everything in moderation" for her. I don't want to pass on the issues my mom gave to me.

[alexis]

I never heard my mom make a negative comment about her or anybody else's body. I didn't realize that or appreciate what a great gift that was until recently. Our diet and activity level wasn't great, but I think it is so much easier as an adult to make decisions about diet, exercise, health and weight without the negative baggage that body image brings. I am grateful to her for that.

It stands in sharp contrast to my DH's grandmother. She was downhill skiing into her late 70's. Into her 80's, she regularly walked, did yoga, golfed and swam. She had an activity level that wold be impressive for most people, let alone someone her age. She has always been thin. Her health is in sharp decline now. She recently made a comment that she finally got back down to her high school weight and that she has been trying to her entire life. I mean it's probably due to lose of bone density, but Yeah! Thin! It makes me so sad that she spent her life focused on such an arbitrary number as opposed to being proud of her fitness level and what her body could do.

[mouse]

Great, another thing I can screw up.

[ajj]

My mom and grandma were always dieting and focused on their weight. My grandma was still weighing herself and was excited when she lost a few pounds at 92. However, I think it was my dad's words that made me hate my body. I think he got that way from the way his mother is though. I see it more now as I get older and it makes me sad that my dad feels that way about himself, too.

My soon to be ex is also obsessed with body image and I think he gets that from his mother.

I have a son and am trying to be very careful with what I say in front of him. Heck, I'm working on what I say about myself not in front of him, too. I'm worried about what my ex's issues will do to him though.

I know this article is about moms and daughters. I always said that if I had a little girl I would be very careful to not put my issues on to her. Now that I only have a little boy, I still worry about it.

[blink]

I am.just going to repeat what others have said. We also ate a lot of comfort food - grains, butter, cheese, beef. My dad refused to eat anything green, so veggies were corn or mashed potatoes. My mom was always on a diet - shakes, pills, calorie counting. I know she actually got a settlement from one of the diet drugs, because it had harmful.side effects. She was lucky that she didnt have any super serious ones from it.

All of this is to say that my mom never once made a negative comment or insinuation at my sister or me. She even yelled at a neighbor who said I looked sickly. Despite all of that I still picked up some of those unhealthy habits as did my sister. It has taken a lot of mental reworking to eat fruits and vegetables and.not.live off of pizza rolls and poptarts.

[eddy]

My mom is amazing but this is absolutely the area dhe screwed me up. I was veeery aware of her dieting and body issues. And it wasn't like they were abnormal. She has just been on a yoyo diet for 30 years now.

[ijack]

Everything about weight is so hard for me, especially with my FTT kid. But I don't talk about my body in front of them and make sure to only say positive things to them both.

[downtoearth]

I try not to say much, but see my random from today and you'll see that my DH is not the same. He's still on my ish-list right now for his comment and will keep hearing from my for the next millennia about his stupid comment.

[sam19]

This is something I really need to work on. I know how much this can effect kids because it's had such a profound effect on me. I remember being around 8 and my mom telling me I needed to go on a diet with her. I realize now that she was always just projecting her own body issues onto me but the damage is still there.

My 5 year old mimics everything I do right down to the way I treat myself. She's also very good at letting me know how beautiful I am and I don't won't her to start looking at me and just seeing what needs to be improved.

[forreals]

I am fat but I never say anything EVER negative about my body or anyone else's in front of my daughter. I always say really positive things around my daughter about loving the way I look, etc.. I think one of the things that gets me most pissed in a visceral way is when my husband or parents or in-laws make negative comments, usually about themselves. If looks could kill every one of them would be dead. They don't even realize it when they are saying it, it is just so ingrained in them.

[StrawberryBlondie]

I'm worried about this with my parents and DD. They've both been on diets and going to weight-loss meetings for as long as I can remember and often brought me with when I was a kid. Presumably because of child care reasons. It absolutely taught me that weight loss = good, calories = bad, etc.

Luckily, DD is still too young, so I've got a bit of time to figure out how to combat this.

[af1212]

Oct 24, 2014 19:43:33 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I'm worried about this with my parents and DD. They've both been on diets and going to weight-loss meetings for as long as I can remember and often brought me with when I was a kid. Presumably because of child care reasons. It absolutely taught me that weight loss = good, calories = bad, etc.

Luckily, DD is still too young, so I've got a bit of time to figure out how to combat this.

I wonder about this too. I try to follow the thinkings of Dina Rose when it comes to healthy eating for my girls (offer lots of variety, don't comment on what they eat or don't eat, etc) and so far, at 5 and 2 they are healthy eaters, very active, etc.

But it seems like everyone else in my family is working against this. Commenting on what they eat, what they finish and don't finish, talking about their own diets, etc. I worry about the impact this will have on my girls.

Please let me know when you figure out the solution StrawberryBlondie

[maybebabiesrus]

Oct 24, 2014 14:21:08 GMT -5 ajj said:

My mom and grandma were always dieting and focused on their weight. My grandma was still weighing herself and was excited when she lost a few pounds at 92. However, I think it was my dad's words that made me hate my body. I think he got that way from the way his mother is though. I see it more now as I get older and it makes me sad that my dad feels that way about himself, too.

My soon to be ex is also obsessed with body image and I think he gets that from his mother.

I have a son and am trying to be very careful with what I say in front of him. Heck, I'm working on what I say about myself not in front of him, too. I'm worried about what my ex's issues will do to him though.

I know this article is about moms and daughters. I always said that if I had a little girl I would be very careful to not put my issues on to her. Now that I only have a little boy, I still worry about it.

This resonates with me. My dad is obsessed with his weight and makes comments about it all the time. He's a workaholic Ina physically demanding industry but does make any effort to be active in his down time.

He literally eats a salad every single day for lunch and intentionally deprives himself of good food when we go out to eat or anything. He's always depriving and denying himself, and made comments about my weight all the time, as an adolescent. I remember vividly that he told me I was overweight as a freshman in high school. I must have been 5'5" or so and 140 pounds, with large breasts. It was life altering.

My mom never said boo. She's been slim her whole life and never shamed me.

[ajj]

Oct 25, 2014 10:32:54 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

Oct 24, 2014 14:21:08 GMT -5 ajj said:

My mom and grandma were always dieting and focused on their weight. My grandma was still weighing herself and was excited when she lost a few pounds at 92. However, I think it was my dad's words that made me hate my body. I think he got that way from the way his mother is though. I see it more now as I get older and it makes me sad that my dad feels that way about himself, too.

My soon to be ex is also obsessed with body image and I think he gets that from his mother.

I have a son and am trying to be very careful with what I say in front of him. Heck, I'm working on what I say about myself not in front of him, too. I'm worried about what my ex's issues will do to him though.

I know this article is about moms and daughters. I always said that if I had a little girl I would be very careful to not put my issues on to her. Now that I only have a little boy, I still worry about it.

This resonates with me. My dad is obsessed with his weight and makes comments about it all the time. He's a workaholic Ina physically demanding industry but does make any effort to be active in his down time.

He literally eats a salad every single day for lunch and intentionally deprives himself of good food when we go out to eat or anything. He's always depriving and denying himself, and made comments about my weight all the time, as an adolescent. I remember vividly that he told me I was overweight as a freshman in high school. I must have been 5'5" or so and 140 pounds, with large breasts. It was life altering.

My mom never said boo. She's been slim her whole life and never shamed me.

I'm sorry. I know what you mean. It's like I have a catalogue in my head of everything weight related he has ever said to me and I say those things over and over to myself. It's helped a little recently to realize they are his issues and he must hurt from them too. It makes me feel for him.

I hope you are doing okay with it, too. 

[StrawberryBlondie]

Oct 25, 2014 10:08:56 GMT -5 af1212 said:

Oct 24, 2014 19:43:33 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I'm worried about this with my parents and DD. They've both been on diets and going to weight-loss meetings for as long as I can remember and often brought me with when I was a kid. Presumably because of child care reasons. It absolutely taught me that weight loss = good, calories = bad, etc.

Luckily, DD is still too young, so I've got a bit of time to figure out how to combat this.

I wonder about this too. I try to follow the thinkings of Dina Rose when it comes to healthy eating for my girls (offer lots of variety, don't comment on what they eat or don't eat, etc) and so far, at 5 and 2 they are healthy eaters, very active, etc.

But it seems like everyone else in my family is working against this. Commenting on what they eat, what they finish and don't finish, talking about their own diets, etc. I worry about the impact this will have on my girls.

Please let me know when you figure out the solution StrawberryBlondie

You let me know if you figure something out too.

My dad "playfully" criticizes my cousin's kids for eating vegetables. Which I find odd because he likes most veggies. If he ever does this with DD I may shank him.

[loremipsum]

This really resonates with me. My mother is a kind, loving, generous person overall, but she made nonstop negative comments about her weight and mine while I grew up.

Sometimes this would be through comparisons to herself: "You don't want to be fat like me when you're an adult." Other times it was a direct attack, like when I was 9/10yo and said I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up: "You're too fat."

As a result, I have a lot of body insecurity (no surprise, eh?). I've struggled with my weight my entire life, and after a lot of hard work, I've successfully lost 35lbs this year - but I've been *extremely* careful around my sons. We talk about food for energy and strength, and they see me go running, but there's no talk about dieting/weight/etc. I don't want them to grow up with the same issues that I have. :/