Need Advice. How do I fix this?

[hockeywife]

PDQ as I reserve the right to DD.

As I said in the sex drive post last night, DH and I got into a fight last night and I said some horribly mean things about his weight. I said the things out of anger, I was tired, stressed from a terrible week at work, and frustrated about having the same argument (about sex) again.

Basically, DH has gained about 80lbs (?? He went from a size 34w to a 44w) in the last couple of years. The weight gain was pretty fast after he stopped playing hockey and has held steady.

I'm ashamed that I don't find him as physically attractive. I never thought I would be that person, and hell, I've gained weight, too, since we met and we have an 8 month old so it's not like I'm the epitome of physical fitness.

I know he's hurt. Really hurt. What do I do? Just keep apologizing?

I'm thinking about seeing a counselor. My MO is to get pushed to a certain point and then lash out by saying something mean. Clearly this is a behavior that I need to fix.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Please no flames. I already feel bad enough. I didn't sleep all night bc of how bad I felt and I'm crying now writing this all out.

[gretchenindisguise]

Go to couples counseling and learn how to communicate and fight fair.

[hockeywife]

Oct 25, 2014 7:05:37 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

Go to couples counseling and learn how to communicate and fight fair.

I've suggested this before (fighting fair, and communicating in general, has always been an issue for us) and he is adamantly against it. It's just nothing something that is done in his family. But maybe if I go, I can eventually convince him to come along.

[oswin]

*hugs* First off, don't be too hard on yourself about finding him less attractive. We've been there - DH never gained that much weight, but we both can tell that I find him more attractive when he's fit and somewhat lean. As long as you still love him, you're good.

Next, there are a couple of things you could try from here. Does he feel good about the way his body is now? Most people who gain weight aren't terribly happy with it and thus it is a sensitive topic. For us, body issues have been best addressed as partners. Approach any mention of his body from a supportive angle - how can you help him get healthier? How can the two of you get healthier? Are you interested in eating healthier? What about exercise? Why did he stop playing hockey? For us, getting healthier again (and in the process losing weight) has been a team effort, including meal planning and prep.

If he's not interested in getting healthier, then you'll probably just have to apologize and accept that the new normal is not being very physically attracted to him. I'm sorry, I don't know how else to handle it.

ETA: sorry, I don't know how to address the immediate argument, I was thinking root cause and moving forward. No experience with therapy or counseling so I don't know if it would be useful.

[ktw]

Tell him what you told us. Apologize sincerely. Get him flowers if he likes them, or some other gesture like that.

FWIW, my H and I went through a similar situation (but reversed) years ago before we were married. It was the only time in our 14 year relationship that I went multiple days without speaking to him. I have forgiven him (obviously) but have not forgotten what he said or how I felt. That said, with time and distance from the situation, I do recognize that he loved me regardless of what he said, and that it wasn't as if I had just gained 5-10 pounds, my appearance had significantly changed. It still hurt, but I do kind of understand, though I don't condone him saying what he said.

Just be sincere, and give him time.

[auntie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think therapy is a great idea to teach you more effective ways to manage disagreements or disappointments.

I think a big piece of this would be understanding how he's feeling. You seem almost like you're making this about how badly you feel. Obviously hockey was a big deal- you self identify using his sport in your SN and how you refer to your child. Not many would pick a screen name picked on somebody else's passion.

Did he have to quit? Was he injured? Did his job make playing impossible? Did finances change? Could your DH be depressed? Weight gain and sexual disinterest are often symptoms of depression in men. If he had been playing and releasing endophins by playing, he could have drifted into a place emotionally where his weight is the tip of a bigger problem. And it could be that change of personality that is unappealing to you.

[bananapancakes]

I agree with PP. Apologizing is a good start but counselling would be even better. I would be so so hurt if H commented on my weight gain and it would take me a long time to forgive him and I don't know that I would ever forget.

[ktw]

Oh, and I agree with the suggestion of counseling (individual or couples if he'll go) to deal with the "fighting fair" issue. For us, it wasn't an ongoing issue, just an isolated incident.

[gretchenindisguise]

Oct 25, 2014 7:10:29 GMT -5 hockeywife said:

Oct 25, 2014 7:05:37 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

Go to couples counseling and learn how to communicate and fight fair.

I've suggested this before (fighting fair, and communicating in general, has always been an issue for us) and he is adamantly against it. It's just nothing something that is done in his family. But maybe if I go, I can eventually convince him to come along.

Yup. You go for yourself and hope he figures it out and joins you. You'll still learn a lot in individual.

[krystee]

H once made a weight-related comment to me and then was absolutely horrified at what he said. He gave me a huge hug, said I am so beautiful and he loves me so much, and he said that to be mean because he was hurt and not because he meant it and he was so, so sorry, and I'd never hear anything like that from him again. And I haven't.

I would try something like that and then tell him you're looking into counseling because you feel so terrible about lashing out and saying things you don't mean because you are angry. Make an effort over the next few days to show you love him.

Now is not the time to bring up the healthy stuff. Do that at another time.

[hockeywife]

Thank you for the responses thus far. I have to step away from GBCN, DH is oot (left this morning) and I need to focus on DS.

To answer some questions:

I will not repeat what I said. I dont need that to be memorialized online forever.

He jokes about the weight gain, but clearly it bothers him a lot. he gets a lot of flack about it from family and friends (which is terrible - but hockey guys chirp each other, it's mean, but its just what they do) i dont think I realized how much it really bothered him until now, though.

DH played professional hockey for 11 years and retired 3 years ago. It's not that I self-identify with his (former) profession, it was just my sn from my knot days 8+ years ago, but I can see how you might of thought that..

DH was definitely depressed when he retired. I mean, I think he was ready to be home and I never pushed him to retire, but it was definitely a hard transition for him. He has been better, he now how a job that he likes a lot (not as much as hockey, of course, but I dont think there is anything he would love as much as playing hockey for a living), and he loves being a dad, but life has definitely gotten more stressful for us as of late.

I will make an effort not to stress to him how badly *I* feel when talking to him about this because, like you said, it's not about me. And I am definitely going to pursue counseling because me lashing out (not that DH fights fair, either, but this is not about that right now) is an issue that needs to be fixed for the long-term sake of our marriage.

[Deleted]

Hugs. I am the kind of person who let's anger build up and then explode. It's not a good way to communicate. I hope things get better.

[Deleted]

Oct 25, 2014 7:10:29 GMT -5 hockeywife said:

Oct 25, 2014 7:05:37 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

Go to couples counseling and learn how to communicate and fight fair.

I've suggested this before (fighting fair, and communicating in general, has always been an issue for us) and he is adamantly against it. It's just nothing something that is done in his family. But maybe if I go, I can eventually convince him to come along.

Apologize, go yourself, and perhaps he'll come along later, but you should get a lot out of it yourself.

[lolo]

I'm going to address the 'you' aspect apart from your husband's weight and your comment about it.

It sounds like you are having a hard time identifying when you are angry or upset. You might not realize you are bottling it up before you lash out. You might not know how to address it without exploding.

I think this is a good focus in therapy for you. Anger is not a bad thing; it is how our minds process unmet needs. You might benefit from working through 'the surprising purpose of anger' and learning the principles in non violent communication. Michael Rosenberg has a lot of readable, helpful books on the topic.