Being anti-therapy

[Willis Jackson]

I've seen a lot of posters mention that their husbands or families won't consider therapy. Why is that?

DH and I grew up in very pro-therapy families so I don't get it.

[anna7602]

When I started seeing a therapist, DH was really hurt that I didn't feel like I could talk to him. He had a really hard time understanding that I wasn't just talking, I was being helped by a professional. He wasn't against my going, but he really didn't get it until he saw the change in how I communicated and dealt with things.

[andthentherewere10]

My therapist says that those who refuse to go to therapy need therapy the most

[krystee]

My H used to be. To him, it was like admitting failure that he couldn't solve a problem on his own, and he didn't want to air dirty laundry about his childhood. Then he went and found it to be valuable.

And my parents are super happy people who think that in most cases you can just decide to be happy and it's all about your outlook on life, so therapy is really only needed if there is an extremely serious issue.

Personally, I think tune-ups with a counselor are good. We only went for a short time, but I thought it was helpful.

[cinco]

DH is, and I've never figured out why. I mentioned we should go a couple times during some difficult times in our marriage and was shot down.
On the other hand, when DD1's OCD was starting to get noticeable, he did not hesitate in setting up an appointment for her.
I don't get it. It is something I will push in the future if necessary, but we are doing really well right now.

[sent]

Because according to my husband, it is totally normal to "rip into someone"'when they make a simple mistake. When you do it to your wife and she gets hurt and cries, it's also ok to call her degrading names.  She must be the one with the problem.

Now that we've gone a few times, thankfully things are better with his attitude but I feel more enraged when I leave therapy than when I walked in. I'm starting to have doubts about it myself, though I don't know if it is the therapist or the therapy.

Oh and when crap went down one recent weekend, my parents came over and said we must go see a counselor. FIL took me aside and insisted that we didn't need any counseling since these were just minor disagreements. 

[hockeywife]

Because it's a sign of weakness.

Because you should just be able to "get over it" and "just change/stop doing/let it go on your own"

[bananapancakes]

My H comes from a very "stiff upper lip" kind of family. We went through a rough patch and were seriously talking divorce almost 2 years after getting married. Although he wasn't super comfortable with the idea, he did eventually agree to counselling and it helped us so much!

[sjh722]

My family is not, but H's family is very "just get over it" and "don't talk about it" and "there's nothing wrong with you". He has fortunately come around, because it helped his OCD tremendously, but my MIL and BIL have been wreaking havoc on other people's lives with untreated mental illness for years and refuse to acknowledge there might actually be a problem to work on.

[starburst604]

It drives me crazy when people who NEED therapy are so opposed to it (an ex of mine comes to mind). I just don't understand why someone won't try whatever they can to be more happy. I remember making a mental note when I was dating my H, and I asked him if he and his XW had tried counseling before they divorced and he said they had, for a while. It was relieving to know he was open to it should we ever need it.

[Deleted]

My father is quite honestly too far gone to see he needs it. My mom has been herself in recent years.

DH was sent when he was a teen due to serious depression and had a bad experience (honestly probably as much because that whole time in his life was very rough) and was reticent. I was reticent because I don't like to talk about my feelings and was not generally actually ill and it made me uncomfortable so I didn't go (I've always been a bit reluctant to see MDs for no good reason too)

Anyway, we finally went when DH had a breakdown of sorts and did a lot of personally destructive things. It was a rock bottom of sorts. It helped SO much. We've been gone back for minor things after realizing there's no need to suffer.

Life is hard. I need help to be well sometimes:).

I have also found a lot of relief from finding a mentor for work issues, which is a large source of stress for me. I know a lot of people who are scared to find one, but no one who discourages that.

[VillainV]

Oct 25, 2014 8:16:23 GMT -5 sent said:

Because according to my husband, it is totally normal to "rip into someone"'when they make a simple mistake. When you do it to your wife and she gets hurt and cries, it's also ok to call her degrading names.  She must be the one with the problem.

Now that we've gone a few times, thankfully things are better with his attitude but I feel more enraged when I leave therapy than when I walked in. I'm starting to have doubts about it myself, though I don't know if it is the therapist or the therapy.

Oh and when crap went down one recent weekend, my parents came over and said we must go see a counselor. FIL took me aside and insisted that we didn't need any counseling since these were just minor disagreements. 

Sometimes therapy can bring things to the surface and it makes things harder at first before they get better again. Like cleaning out a closet sometimes....crap everywhere till you get it sorted out.

Having said that, there are bad therapists and counsellors. If you don't like yours then don't hesitate to find someone else. I've had some doozies...

[bowies]

It's a cultural thing for some, a privacy thing for others. And some people just don't want to change or think about their behaviors.

Personally, I love therapy. I've gone off and on since I was a kid. I get to talk about myself for an hour? Fuck yeah! It's less time consuming than a blog.

[formerlyllizzyb]

Oct 25, 2014 8:23:47 GMT -5 hockeywife said:

Because it's a sign of weakness.

Because you should just be able to "get over it" and "just change/stop doing/let it go on your own"

This is my H.

He also feels like it's a privileged activity for rich people who have the money to pay someone to listen to their problems. I can't remember exactly how he puts it but it's something like that. He equates it to almost a luxury.

Thankfully, he's seen me benefit greatly from it and has agreed to go in the future. He hasn't changed his thoughts on it but at least he's not anti going to therapy anymore.

I finally asked him why he was so negative about something that a) I feel would benefit our marriage greatly and b) he has seen help me and he didn't really have a response.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 25, 2014 7:42:27 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

I've seen a lot of posters mention that their husbands or families won't consider therapy. Why is that?

DH and I grew up in very pro-therapy families so I don't get it.

i came out of a pro therapy family and even did a round of therapy myself when i was 13 ... xh on the other hand .. ANTI THERAPY !!!! there was no way to convince him that therapy would do him or us any good. his opinion was why pay someone to tell me what i already know ! the idea that sometime an objective non involved 3rd party can be of some use was lost on him. also i think he was terrified that if we did martial counseling, the counselor would have come down on him HARD (and imo rightly so) and he didn't want anyone to tell him that he was part of the problems bt us. another reason why xh couldn't be convinced to go to any sort of therapy was bc to him, it conflicted w his biblical beliefs, that the bible exists for a reason and THAT is your therapy.

he did do some therapy when he was in rehab but its effects were only temp and he really didnt have a choice re participation. forced therapy imo doesn't work.

[flgirl]

My husband was forced to go to too many therapists as a kid because his mom was trying to keep his dad from getting custody. So, he is now anti-therapy. He was "trained" as a kid to say what he thinks they want to hear anyway so it wouldn't be productive to go.

[SJ]

DH is just very private and doesn't like people "in his business."

I love the idea of therapy and think it would be awesome to go, together and/or alone, just to be the best we can be and be proactively working on any potential issues.

I do very much think that if things were ever dire enough, DH would absolutely go to therapy, but he sees it more like a last resort while I see it as a proactive defense.

[Deleted]

I don't think DH is quite "anti therapy", but he would only go if I told him he had to. He would never access it through his work benefits (they have an EAP, but he does not trust how it is run and feels that people would find out about using it, and that would be detrimental to his career). I did access some talk therapy through my benefits when I got laid off, and it was a good place to talk through my feelings about that.

[oliviapope]

I have not read the other responses, but I think it stems from the overall stigma that is attached to mental health. No one thinks anything of seeing a doctor for a medical issue. People in general do not view you as "broken" if you are sick. However, with mental health issues you become "crazy" if you can't work it out on your own.

Also so many people do not understand what therapy actually is. Many people think that it is "just talking", and do not understand that you actually learn skills to manage challenges. It also helps so much to have an educated outside perspective on things.

My husbands family was definitely not supportive of therapy or any help related to mental health issues. However he has certainly changed his tune, and we have both seen how learning new tools helps you so much.

[Deleted]

DH thinks it's absolutely pointless and ridiculous to "share personal matters with a stranger. Let alone PAY someone to listen." He thinks no one could know or understand marital problems better than the two married persons themselves. He does not discuss personal matters, money, anything like that with anybody. I'm sure he'd be mega pissed if he knew how much I shared on here. In his mind, it's "nobody else's business."

[gibbinator]

I think dh would go if I told him he had to if we got to a really bad spot. But as someone who hasn't needed therapy for any reason, he thinks it's just for broken people. He's also very much a practical problem solver and believes he can solve things himself.

[Jalapeñomel]

I also think it's because many people still don't recognize mental health as an issue or important.

[grosnl19]

I started therapy when I was in high school so I am very pro-therapy.

DH previously thought only "crazy" people needed therapy and he wasn't the problem in our relationship so just I should go. Really!?!?

He did agree to go after becoming engaged and he is now a convert. It has helped us each individually and as a couple tremendously....I don't think our marriage would have made it without our therapist :-)