Scared kids

[Deleted]

How do you handle a child that keeps getting scared at night? They are 11, keeps their light in, has a movie playing to fall asleep.

For the past week and half she's been waking up scared, sometimes 3 times a night. She says it's ghost but I'm not sure if that true, it could be she's home sick or misses her mom, or maybe she is scared. I don't know, but it's been going on for over a week now and she comes out of her room, waking us up, or wants her dad to sleep in her room. Which is fine here and there but can't turn this isn't a every night thing.

Wwyd

[hopecounts]

At 11 something is prompting this.
What's changed/happened recently?
Has Dad's schedule changed?
Has she watched something scary that she shouldn't have leading up to Halloween?
Has she had a fight with her BFF?
I'd get to what is the actual problem and the scared issue should go away.

[Captain Serious]

Oct 30, 2014 7:29:13 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

At 11 something is prompting this.
What's changed/happened recently?
Has Dad's schedule changed?
Has she watched something scary that she shouldn't have leading up to Halloween?
Has she had a fight with her BFF?
I'd get to what is the actual problem and the scared issue should go away.

Exactly this. She's upset about something. The more she tasks about it, the less it will internalize and bother her sleep.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 7:29:13 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

At 11 something is prompting this.
What's changed/happened recently?
Has Dad's schedule changed?
Has she watched something scary that she shouldn't have leading up to Halloween?
Has she had a fight with her BFF?
I'd get to what is the actual problem and the scared issue should go away.

That's what I said, I don't believe it's ghost. She just had a huge move from up north to Florida about 3 months ago. Her mom hasn't seen her since she's moved. I think it's everything, but she won't say. She will only say ghost.

She has been watching "Halloween movies" but we made her stop about a week ago, and they were kids movies /shows like R.L Stein goosebumps.



ETA: I've had talks with her about being home sick, and how I get home sick and miss my friends and family and we can write to them, call them, and that she will still visit them. In encouraging her to make friends and to have a sleep over, make plans for the weekends. I'm trying to help her adjust, but maybe I'm doing it wrong.

[ladystardust]

I had pretty bad homesickness as a kid. Nearly every sleepover ended in me calling my parents at like 2am to come get me. To me it seems like it's missing her mom/old home that could be the main culprit.

Even the things you listed, while all nice probably wouldn't have helped me. It was when it was dark and quiet that I would overthink everything and freak myself out.

Sorry that she (and you!) are having to deal with this. It seems like a pretty big change for her. Just keep being consoling and hopefully your place will feel more comfortable and like home.

[hopecounts]

That's a pretty huge change for a kid.
If she isn't already she should see a child therapist so she has a safe place to talk.
She may be uncomfortable talking to you or her Dad but an outsider may be somebody she can open up to without worrying about their feelings.

[whattheheck]

What about putting on an age appropriate sleep meditation for her to listen to as she falls asleep. There are plenty on youtube.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 8:27:55 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Sorry she's having a tough time.

Side question: I thought you broke up with your BF and moved out into your own apartment?

I move in December, so still here for a couple weeks.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 8:18:08 GMT -5 @happybythekilowatt said:

I actually think you should nix the movie, and have her read a book before bed instead. If she needs noise, soothing music is a better option. While I don't think her TV watching is the cause of her fear, I do think it probably keeps her mind way more stimulated than it should be which could lead to some crazy dreams if she is already having anxiety.

Sounds like you are doing your best helping her to adjust-- just keep on doing what you're doing, and eventually she will settle in. Can you also see about Skype calls with mom? Even seeing her/hearing her once a week might put her mind at ease a bit. I don't know the situation there though.

She does talk to her mom everyday but skype might be better! She puts in a disney movie a night, I remember at her age watching a movie every night to fall asleep, I always needed the noise but I'll suggest the music, maybe it will be more soothing.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 8:10:41 GMT -5 @clarissa said:

I don't think watching a movie to fall asleep is healthy, especially for an 11 year old. Maybe she's lonely and wants/needs a normal bedtime routine?

She does have a routine. From 8-9, we all hang out, maybe watch a show or play a bored game, just talk. Then at 9 she showers and 9:30, he puts her to bed. She picks out a movie, he gives her hugs and kisses, they talk about whats happening the next day. We try and have a dog sleep in there with her because it's always nice to have a cuddle buddy.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 8:43:58 GMT -5 TR said:

Oct 30, 2014 8:40:57 GMT -5 @bean said:

She does talk to her mom everyday but skype might be better! She puts in a disney movie a night, I remember at her age watching a movie every night to fall asleep, I always needed the noise but I'll suggest the music, maybe it will be more soothing.

I get it, I go through periods where I fall asleep with the TV on, but SCIENCE says that even with your eyes closed, the flickering light is stimulating the brain. Also watching TV, being on the computer or phone right before you go to sleep messes with the brain's ability to shut down. Quiet music and reading for half an hour before bed might be something to try.

I can't sleep with the tv on now. The lights do mess with me, I will suggest this to her father because it makes total sense.

[whattheheck]

Oct 30, 2014 8:45:09 GMT -5 @bean said:

Oct 30, 2014 8:10:41 GMT -5 @clarissa said:

I don't think watching a movie to fall asleep is healthy, especially for an 11 year old. Maybe she's lonely and wants/needs a normal bedtime routine?

She does have a routine. From 8-9, we all hang out, maybe watch a show or play a bored game, just talk. Then at 9 she showers and 9:30, he puts her to bed. She picks out a movie, he gives her hugs and kisses, they talk about whats happening the next day. We try and have a dog sleep in there with her because it's always nice to have a cuddle buddy.

What time does she have to get up in the morning?  She should be getting 10-11 hours of sleep a night.   Maybe she is chronically over tired and it's building up and coming to a head?

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 8:50:27 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

Oct 30, 2014 8:45:09 GMT -5 @bean said:

She does have a routine. From 8-9, we all hang out, maybe watch a show or play a bored game, just talk. Then at 9 she showers and 9:30, he puts her to bed. She picks out a movie, he gives her hugs and kisses, they talk about whats happening the next day. We try and have a dog sleep in there with her because it's always nice to have a cuddle buddy.

What time does she have to get up in the morning?  She should be getting 10-11 hours of sleep a night.   Maybe she is chronically over tired and it's building up and coming to a head?

7:30, so about 9 and half hours if she falls asleep by 10. But we could try pushing it up. Thanks for all the responses guys!

[dragonfly08]

Oct 30, 2014 8:53:34 GMT -5 @bean said:

Oct 30, 2014 8:50:27 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

What time does she have to get up in the morning?  She should be getting 10-11 hours of sleep a night.   Maybe she is chronically over tired and it's building up and coming to a head?

7:30, so about 9 and half hours if she falls asleep by 10. But we could try pushing it up. Thanks for all the responses guys!

My 11 year old goes to bed at 8:15 for a 7:30 wake up.  Otherwise she's completely fried the next afternoon/evening.  One night of that we can get through, more than that and it just builds up.

She also has trouble sleeping.  We keep the bedtime routine as consistent as possible, and very low key.  Snack, PJs, brush teeth, maybe read for a bit if there's time, lights out.  She doesn't love full darkness so we have sheer curtains in her room so that the moonlight and light from the street lamp can filter in.  The ped suggested melatonin at bedtime, and we did that for a while but for DD it wasn't a huge help.  Works for some people, though.

Also, a light up pillow pet is a huge help with my 8 yo.  If she wakes up and is at all scared, she gives it a squeeze and she's not alone in the dark.  But it's also not such a bright light it's really disturbing, and it goes out on it's own if she falls back asleep.  A light on a dimmer and timer has also been useful.  We could put it at 20% power for 30 minutes, eventually cutting back to five minutes, at bedtime and it would turn out by itself.

I think there are deeper issues, but these might be some quick fixes to help while you work them out.  Good luck!

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 9:11:29 GMT -5 Que? said:

Oct 30, 2014 8:38:16 GMT -5 @bean said:

I move in December, so still here for a couple weeks.

That should help with her transition. :/

Poor kid.

Why do you always have something to say when it comes to me? You don't like me I get it. You think I want to her to suffer?

[EmilieMadison]

8pm bedtime.
Read before bed.
No tv in bed.

Falling asleep at 10pm is not appropriate for an 11 year old. She should be going to bed at about 8 and hopefully falling asleep by 8:30.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 9:45:42 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

8pm bedtime.
Read before bed.
No tv in bed.

Falling asleep at 10pm is not appropriate for an 11 year old. She should be going to bed at about 8 and hopefully falling asleep by 8:30.

Thanks for the advice. We figured if she was getting 10 hours of sleep, then that was good. I was also going by other kids I know but not every child is the same so bumping it up will maybe help some, until the deeper issue is addressed.

ETA: 8 just seems so early, I feel like most kids go to bed around 9/ 9:30. Well at least that she's friends with. Am I really that clueless about bedtimes? Lol

[whattheheck]

Oct 30, 2014 9:55:42 GMT -5 @bean said:

Oct 30, 2014 9:45:42 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

8pm bedtime.
Read before bed.
No tv in bed.

Falling asleep at 10pm is not appropriate for an 11 year old. She should be going to bed at about 8 and hopefully falling asleep by 8:30.

Thanks for the advice. We figured if she was getting 10 hours of sleep, then that was good. I was also going by other kids I know but not every child is the same so bumping it up will maybe help some, until the deeper issue is addressed.

ETA: 8 just seems so early, I feel like most kids go to bed around 9/ 9:30. Well at least that she's friends with. Am I really that clueless about bedtimes? Lol

But if she climbing into bed at 9:30, then chatting and talking with Dad, and then starting a movie - she is going to bed at 9:30 but not going to sleep at 9:30.  I'm sure there's other stuff going on - but lack of sleep is probably compounding it.   Slowly move up bedtime (and sleep time) and see if it helps.

[stephogirl]

I completely agree with no TV in bed for kids. My kids only get books at bedtime. Different kids do have different sleep needs, however. If I tried to put my 9-year-old to bed at 8:00 with the expectation that he was sleeping 30 minutes later, bedtime would be a nightly disaster. He does go to bed at 8:45 (little brother goes to bed at 8:30), but many nights he doesn't fall asleep until 10:00. For him, I'm okay with that. He's reading books the entire time and has no problem getting up in the morning. For other kids, this scenario might leave them short on sleep.

I would experiment with books, dim light, and quiet music. Start with a slightly earlier bedtime than you think you will end up with and adjust accordingly.

Good luck!

[Deleted]

What is her description of the 'ghost'?

I only ask because my sleep paralysis is often triggered by stress. So if she has sleep paralysis too, it may be making her even more scared to go to sleep and maybe knowing what it is and that her 'ghost' is something a lot of people experience may at least make that part less scary.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 10:37:04 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Oct 30, 2014 9:30:33 GMT -5 @bean said:

Why do you always have something to say when it comes to me? You don't like me I get it. You think I want to her to suffer?

It's a valid point if you can put your defenses down look at it objectively for a moment.   Nobody here thinks you want her to suffer, Jesus.  But you're taking on a parenting roll for a few weeks, attempting to change her routine to correct her behavior, and then peacing out 3 weeks later?  This poor girl.

Her father should have her best interest at heart and should have asked you to leave already.  There, I said it.

I'm all for advice. I've known his daughter for years. She lived with us for two summers. Why would he ask me to leave when she's been with us before and we working working on things? It's not like I just popped up in her life when she moved in. I fully appricate all advice but with Que, it seems like the last couple times I post she has something smart to say. Even when what I post isn't that serious. So yes when it comes to her I wonder why she even says anything.

I already feel like horrible about moving out and not wanting her to feel like she contributed to that, because she didn't. And I hope she still wants me in her life, even though I don't live there. I love that girl. I do feel bad for her.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 10:40:42 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Oct 30, 2014 10:37:04 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

It's a valid point if you can put your defenses down look at it objectively for a moment.   Nobody here thinks you want her to suffer, Jesus.  But you're taking on a parenting roll for a few weeks, attempting to change her routine to correct her behavior, and then peacing out 3 weeks later?  This poor girl.

Her father should have her best interest at heart and should have asked you to leave already.  There, I said it.

I agree with Kevin. I know you're doing everything you can while you're there and that you care about her a lot but the girl doesn't have her mom around and now the "mom-figure" is leaving shortly too.
That's a lot of big changes for a young kid. I'm sure she's very anxious about all of the changes going on and I'm sure the tension is high around there now that you're leaving soon.
Her dad needs to step up and handle this and get her into a better routine. Not you.




We actually get along well, you wouldn't know I'm moving out. We just don't do well as a couple. We talk, we hang out, we do stuff together, there is no tension, but I fully understand where you are coming from.

[cuddlyevil]

But what Kevin is getting at is that you're talking about what you can do--what is her father doing? He is the one who needs to step up to the plate here and work on this. Maybe he is, it just isn't being stated in your posts, but regardless this is something that you need to take a backseat on resolving. Help? Sure, but your role is changing and you need to adjust to that--so does she.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 10:50:34 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

But what Kevin is getting at is that you're talking about what you can do--what is her father doing? He is the one who needs to step up to the plate here and work on this. Maybe he is, it just isn't being stated in your posts, but regardless this is something that you need to take a backseat on resolving. Help? Sure, but your role is changing and you need to adjust to that--so does she.

Oh for sure. I'm just asking for advice because he's getting burnt out getting up 3 times a night or just laying on the sofa so when she gets up, she'll come lay on the sofa. A lot of you give great advice so wanted to pass it on to him. Which is what I will be doing later.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 10:53:48 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Oct 30, 2014 10:47:18 GMT -5 @bean said:

Why would he ask me to leave when she's been with us before and we working working on things?

What does this mean?  You are ending the relationship and are moving out, right?  Or are you "working on things" with your boyfriend?  Maintaining status quo in your relationship and living situation but with one foot out the door like you've been doing for months isn't helping this girl settle into a stable new life with her father.  And frankly it's not good for you either.

I was referring to before, why would he have asked me to move out, we really trying to make it work. But yes we are completely ending things now and I'm moving out.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 10:57:55 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Oct 30, 2014 10:49:56 GMT -5 @bean said:

We actually get along well, you wouldn't know I'm moving out.

Please don't kid yourself here.  Your boyfriend's daughter is most defintely aware of and affected by her father's relationship ending around her in the midst of the major upheaval of her own life.

I'm not saying she's not aware. I'm saying we have been very good about keeping things calm in the house. It's like the one thing my parents drilled into me about never let kids see you fight. I can't honestly say I never saw my parents fight. They were very good about that, and it's the one thing we have managed to stick too. She's smart enough to pick up on things so I'm not saying she's not aware. I'm just saying the house isn't some tension filled house. But yes I agree, it's not helpful with everything else going on. 100% agree.

[jlt19]

Does she know you're moving out? Did she find out around the time this started?

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 11:04:16 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Ok. You're doing everything right and all is perfectly normal for her. Wish you all the best!

Girl no, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm doing so many things wrong. I was just trying to point out the house isn't tension filled. That's all. I need the advice I do. So I do apologize if it's coming across as everything is great because it's not.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 11:04:18 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

Does she know you're moving out? Did she find out around the time this started?

No I just signed the lease the other day. Wanted to make sure everything went through first. we are going to talk to her this weekend. Which is another thing I need help with.

[CurlyQ284]

Do you know what the sleeping arrangements were at her moms? I only ask because my SDs slept in their moms or grandmother's bed until they were 9 or so. When they would visit us, there was an adjustment period of being scared, getting up a hundred times etc. It was just something we had to power through until they got used to it and slept in their room with no problem.

I agree that this needs to be her dad's routine because soon you won't be there at bedtime.