Need advice..this is really stupid

[cookie510]

Shortened backstory: My dad and I have a really weird relationship. We're not particularly close, but he thinks we are. And he thinks that just because he's my dad I need to automatically include him in things and call/see him even though he never puts in the effort with me. Once every few months he will call and complain that we never go see him, I usually say let's make plans on "x" he says OK, I call to finalize plans he doesn't pick up.

A few weeks ago he wanted to get together, I call/text, no response. A few days later he texts back and says -sorry he was out of the state. Since then I got a new job and today I sent an email to friends/family (including dad) and said here's my new contact info. I also put up a status on FB saying whohoo new job! He comments a few hours later and says, thanks for telling me via Facebook. He then puts up a passive aggressive status update about if his kids want to talk to him they can call him and he's deleting FB because it's not how your supposed to communicate with family.

I agree that it's crappy that he found out about my new job via FB, but in all honesty I didn't even think of calling him. I'm just over it and the games he plays. And I'm annoyed that he's airing out our business on FB.

TL;DR: kind of crappy/not close relationship with dad. He finds out about my new job via FB then he puts up passive aggressive status about how I suck.

What would you do, call him out? Ignore his games? Something in between?

[cookie510]

Oct 30, 2014 21:18:36 GMT -5 @booby said:

I don't mean this in a cheeky way, but I think all of this nonsense could be avoided (in the past, as well as the future) if your dad had voicemail.

Ha, thanks. I do usually leave messages. And text. He just acts like he doesn't get them.

[cookie510]

Oct 30, 2014 21:22:43 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Ignore. He hadn't told you he was traveling when you had tried to make plans when he wanted to get together, but is all up in your shit about not calling to tell him every detail of your life. Fuck that.

Also, it's been way too long since we shared a cheese plate LOL.

yes!! My new job is in BBS! We could meet after work one night.

[moolarkey]

Ignore him. He can grow up and be a giver as well as a taker OR you can cater to him and enable him to continue to be a taker. If that's how you want to spend your time, I wouldn't.

[10nille]

Calling him out will do nothing to change him, anything in between will do nothing, too. Ignoring him shows you are not going to play games and plus it requires no effort.

[olegregg]

Ignore. Calling him on his antics is just inviting some drama.

[ECB]

Stop feeling wrong and stop getting defensive. He complains? Start learning to say "I understand you're upset" and move on. Don't try to make it up.

While I agree calling him out won't change him, I know I personally couldn't stop from pointing out the obvious when it's easily warranted.

[MixedBerryJam]

Oct 30, 2014 21:03:57 GMT -5 cookie510 said:

...
A few weeks ago he wanted to get together, I call/text, no response. A few days later he texts back and says -sorry he was out of the state. Since then I got a new job

See, that bolded part negates his entire argument with you, because he's allowed to text a response even if he's out of state. I say ignore. In fact, I'm kind of irritated at him on your behalf.

[eb777888]

I would delete his comment and ignore him.


Me and my dad haven't spoken in two years. lol. So I'm bitter. My dad is similar to yours.

[livinitup]

Do you want a relationship with your dad? What do you want in that relationship - including, what's realistic?

Because 'how do I respond to a nasty FB post' doesn't really matter in the long run. Nothing "reactionary" really matters. Plus, he sounds like a jerk who wants to know about your life events but doesn't want to know via FB because of some notion of getting direct calls. Whatever, dude. Manage your social media however you wish. And he doesn't call or make himself available. Again, whatever dude.

So - back to you. What do YOU want and what are you willing to do to get it? If you want to touch base with him periodically, do that. Not in response to him, but initiate it as something you want to do. This may mean a call, text or snail mail. This may or may not include holidays. It may be monthly or quarterly, or on his birthday.

You can delete his FB message and ignore him. That's easy. What do you want moving forward, so you will feel good/at peace about your efforts and immune to his one-off insults?

[cookie510]

Thanks ladies, you all have very good points.

@livinitup I would like a relationship with my dad but because of how he behaves at certain times I realize the kind of relationship I want isn't possible. So I need to figure out what exactly I can get and if it works for me.

I just feel bad because he's my dad and I feel like I need to try to make it work with him....but that is just him in my head.

My sister does not talk to him and does not feel bad about it, I should take some cues from her. But she also lives 8 hours away so it's easier to ignore.

[ECB]

Well, good luck in figuring out what you want and what you can expect! It's hard to deal with, but many many parents just aren't the parents we want them to be.