I have to vent.

[bullygirl979]

I'll try to keep this short. My sister is dating this total douchebag. She followed him out to LA, it fell apart, she moved back home. Before she moved back home, they started "talking again". 

Reasons why he is a douche? Among other offenses:
Has called her a cunt on numerous occasions and told her that he wished she would die
He left her at Disney Land after they got in to a fight with no way home
Has borrowed about $10k from her but buys himself a new fucking ipad and iphone
We are 99% sure he cheated on her
Routinely lies to her, where she busts him telling lies

I have talked her through a MILLION times why he is no good and how she can do better. She *just* texts me and asks me to call him. Because she loaned him MORE FUCKING MONEY so he could get his cell phone turned back on and now it is going straight to voicemail. He was being "disrespectful" last night so she isn't sure if he has blocked her number. She wants me to call and see if goes to VM too. 

*headdesk*

[doriswe]

How'd you respond?

[Deleted]

I hope you do no such thing.
I know you love your sister but you need to cut this shit off.

Sister,,,I have told you how i feel about ___ many times, you ignore my advice and continually choose to be in an unhealthy relationship with him. You are an adult and you must live with your choices, but as of today we can not talk about him, and or you again. I just can not handle it and I can not stand to see you choose to live like this. AND I mean it, donot mention him to me again. I love you.

[doglove]

Oh man, that must be hard to stand by and witness. 

[bullygirl979]

Nov 5, 2014 12:12:36 GMT -5 doriswe said:

How'd you respond?

I told her I didn't agree with it and that I had a lot of say about the situation but that I would do it. 

She replied that she "didn't want to hear it" which makes me think that she knows how fucked up it is. 

[Deleted]

Nov 5, 2014 12:15:25 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Nov 5, 2014 12:12:36 GMT -5 doriswe said:

How'd you respond?

I told her I didn't agree with it and that I had a lot of say about the situation but that I would do it. 

She replied that she "didn't want to hear it" which makes me think that she knows how fucked up it is. 

Now my head is on the desk!!
You are enabling@!

[bullygirl979]

Nov 5, 2014 12:17:40 GMT -5 mags said:

Nov 5, 2014 12:15:25 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I told her I didn't agree with it and that I had a lot of say about the situation but that I would do it. 

She replied that she "didn't want to hear it" which makes me think that she knows how fucked up it is. 

Now my head is on the desk!!
You are enabling@!

I knowwwwww!!!!! 

I think when I am calm and not raging, I will need to send her an email. 

[margarita]

Ugh. I'm sorry Bully.

[partiallysunny]

You did it! No! Bad bully!

[bullygirl979]

Nov 5, 2014 12:21:16 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

You did it! No! Bad bully!

I know, I know.

I have a hard time setting limits with her. It just makes me so sad that she continues to allow herself to be treated in this way. She is beautiful, seriously smart and has her shit together. Why doesn't she think she can do better???

[neonpink]

Ugh what a crap guy. Why is she putting up with such nonsense. I'm with Mags. I would state my peace and get out of there. She's going to make terrible decisions and knows it and you don't want to become the bad guy to her when she goes back to him. I'd let her know you're there for her but you can't hear anymore about their relationship.

[doriswe]

Dude. DUUUDDDEEEE!

No, the answer was "no I will not do that."

[partiallysunny]

My SIL is in a marriage like that. It's very hard to stay out of it and let her make her own mistakes, but you have to.

[doriswe]

Nov 5, 2014 12:26:01 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Nov 5, 2014 12:21:16 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

You did it! No! Bad bully!

I know, I know.

I have a hard time setting limits with her. It just makes me so sad that she continues to allow herself to be treated in this way. She is beautiful, seriously smart and has her shit together. Why doesn't she think she can do better???

But how are you helping her by giving in to her crazy requests?

[ECB]

Nov 5, 2014 12:02:43 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I have talked her through a MILLION times why he is no good and how she can do better.

THIS is why you need to take a HUGE step back.  You've talked and talked and talked to her about it.  STOP talking.  She isn't listening.

If you really remove yourself from the situation and stop being a shoulder, it might make her realize how done YOU are with this and if YOU'RE done, maybe it will be just a tiny little push in the right direction to really get her to see how screwed up this is. 

I fully believe in "actions speak louder than words" - and I think your ACTION of no longer being a sounding board for all this shit may very well speak louder to her than the many "talks" you've had with her.

[bullygirl979]

Nov 5, 2014 12:34:17 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Nov 5, 2014 12:26:01 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I know, I know.

I have a hard time setting limits with her. It just makes me so sad that she continues to allow herself to be treated in this way. She is beautiful, seriously smart and has her shit together. Why doesn't she think she can do better???

But how are you helping her by giving in to her crazy requests?

Because it puts her mind at ease for 5 minutes. 

This is also the girl (mind you, she is older than me) who freaked out one night because she thought he committed suicide because he has depression issues and he wasn't answering his phone. 

[gault]

Call her back and tell her you changed your mind and say no.

[bullygirl979]

Nov 5, 2014 12:44:13 GMT -5 gault said:

Call her back and tell her you changed your mind and say no.

I may or may not have already called him 

[doglove]

Nov 5, 2014 12:26:01 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Nov 5, 2014 12:21:16 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

You did it! No! Bad bully!

I know, I know.

I have a hard time setting limits with her. It just makes me so sad that she continues to allow herself to be treated in this way. She is beautiful, seriously smart and has her shit together. Why doesn't she think she can do better???

Not believing those things in yourself causes you to make not so healthy decisions. And also if you don't KNOW that a healthier situation exists, it's hard to have faith that it's out there too. 

[bullygirl979]

I have to say, this is why I love you guys. I was just looking to vent, and instead of unwarranted hair pats, you guys gave me really good, constructive feedback.

[bullygirl979]

Nov 5, 2014 12:47:59 GMT -5 doglove said:

Nov 5, 2014 12:26:01 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I know, I know.

I have a hard time setting limits with her. It just makes me so sad that she continues to allow herself to be treated in this way. She is beautiful, seriously smart and has her shit together. Why doesn't she think she can do better???

Not believing those things in yourself causes you to make not so healthy decisions. And also if you don't KNOW that a healthier situation exists, it's hard to have faith that it's out there too. 

I'm starting to think that she thinks this type of relationship is normal. My parents fought a lot so that was the basis of her understanding about relationship. 

It just makes me so sad that people don't get there is better out there. I was talking to a girl once who was flabbergasted that P and I don't yell at each other, swear at each other, call each other names, etc. And if we have an issue, we try and calmly talk it out. 

[gault]

It is sad. I'm sorry for you because it is so hard to watch someone you love waste themselves on a bad situation that is so harmful. And they think it's the norm, which is even worse.

Boo to assholes in general.



But flat-out refuse to help her next time!

[Deleted]

Nov 5, 2014 12:48:42 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I have to say, this is why I love you guys. I was just looking to vent, and instead of unwarranted hair pats, you guys gave me really good, constructive feedback.

Yeah that .board is one floor up.....hair pats are on 3 you got off on 2 

[awick14]

bullygirl979- I have a sister like that, and I give in to her all the time. *hangs head* I'm sorry she won't listen to you and I know I would do the same things as you so I'm going to be a hypocrite right now. Lol.

But you need to stop helping her. She needs to figure this out on her own. I know it's hard but it's true.

((Hugs))

[ECB]

Nov 5, 2014 12:37:58 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Nov 5, 2014 12:34:17 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Because it puts her mind at ease for 5 minutes. 

Of course.  She's your sister.  I totally understand that you want to be there for her.

But.  You know this isn't working!  It's only enabling her.  For all the talks you've had with her, when you turn around and lend a helping hand - not for her to get AWAY from him but to help her feel better about him - it sends a message that somewhere in this, you're o.k. with all of this.  And it negates ALL the talking you've done.

She's going to grasp on to any glimmer of a positive sign that she can and you doing this to put her mind at ease is going to say to her, on some level, "Oh- if bully REALLY hated him, she'd NEVER help me get in touch with him.".

[bullygirl979]

Nov 5, 2014 13:59:10 GMT -5 pinkplasticdoll said:

introduce her to google voice and if she wants to keep chasing him she can. Seriously this situation has got to be difficult to watch and make you want to pull out your hair.

It really is. I have 5 brothers and sisters and I'm the "nice" one. I'm the one that talks to all the BFs and GFs and makes them feeling welcome, etc. etc. But I am dreading the holidays this year. I don't even think I could talk to him if she tries to bring him over. 

[doriswe]

Well now I need to know if you were able to get through!

I know it's hard to watch this play out, but you're not helping her by placating her.

[ECB]

Nov 5, 2014 14:01:37 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

 I don't even think I could talk to him if she tries to bring him over. 

DON'T.  Seriously.  Don't.  If you're the nice one and even you don't make an effort with this guy - again, another little push to get her to see the light. If you're nice to him so that he feels "welcome" - TRUST - she will see it as "Oh... sis really does kind of like him, despite what she says.".  She will grasp on to EVERY little sign that he's accepted. 

[udscoobychick]

Nov 5, 2014 12:48:42 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I have to say, this is why I love you guys. I was just looking to vent, and instead of unwarranted hair pats, you guys gave me really good, constructive feedback.

And we love you because you listen and respond rationally instead of getting all "you don't know my LYFE!!!11!"

[tiramisu]

bullygirl979 everyone else already said it very well. I just want to say I'm glad you're so open to hearing constructive feedback.