RSVP etiquette

[rootbeerfloat]

My cousins are throwing a surprise 70th birthday party for my uncle (my dad's brother) later this month, but didn't get the invitations out until this week. By that point, my parents had already RSVPd for a conflicting event: a (third) wedding for one of my mom's former work friends. My dad would much rather celebrate with his brother, but my mom (who would rather hang with her people, lol) claims you can't un-RSVP.

What says MM? Is it ever OK to change your plans? Under what circumstances?

[mbcdefg]

What kind of a wedding is it? I'd be really hesitant to back out of a wedding at a banquet hall where they need to account for each seat and plate and they need to guarantee a minimum ... but I would probably back out if the wedding was at their home, or if it was at a small restaurant where they could easily take away one or two guests with no penalty.

Even at a month out, though, the wedding probably still has time to adjust their head count, or maybe they haven't even submitted it yet.

Can your dad go to the birthday party and your mom to the wedding?

[dexteroni]

There are circumstances in which you can cancel, but this isn't one of then. Anyway, I don't think it's necessary to cancel outright. Since the wedding is your mom's friend, and the party is your dad's brother, they can each just go to "their" event separately. Your mom can change her "2" RSVP to 1, with apologies for the inconvenience.

[v]

I think there are certain things you can un-RSVP to, but a wedding isn't one of them.

It's a shame your cousins didn't clear the date with you uncle's siblings beforehand!

[h]

Nov 6, 2014 14:39:59 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

There are circumstances in which you can cancel, but this isn't one of then. Anyway, I don't think it's necessary to cancel outright. Since the wedding is your mom's friend, and the party is your dad's brother, they can each just go to "their" event separately. Your mom can change her "2" RSVP to 1, with apologies for the inconvenience.

This is what I would do. If I were your mom I would call the friend asap and explain that my H had a family situation arise and would not be able to make it, then go to the wedding alone.

[rootbeerfloat]

Nov 6, 2014 14:38:02 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

What kind of a wedding is it? I'd be really hesitant to back out of a wedding at a banquet hall where they need to account for each seat and plate and they need to guarantee a minimum ... but I would probably back out if the wedding was at their home, or if it was at a small restaurant where they could easily take away one or two guests with no penalty.

Even at a month out, though, the wedding probably still has time to adjust their head count, or maybe they haven't even submitted it yet.

Can your dad go to the birthday party and your mom to the wedding?

It's a full-on wedding at a chapel, followed by a reception at a country club (same place I had mine, in fact). Did I mention it's a THIRD wedding? /judgy

My mom is kind of a brat, so I expect they will both go to her event because she gets what she wants, not because of etiquette, lol. But I'm interested in people's opinions anyway.

[mbcdefg]

Nov 6, 2014 14:34:43 GMT -5 rootbeerfloat said:

a (third) wedding for one of my mom's former work friends.

This is her third spouse, right? Not an original wedding followed by two do-over weddings to the same person?

[rootbeerfloat]

Nov 6, 2014 14:44:26 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Nov 6, 2014 14:34:43 GMT -5 rootbeerfloat said:

a (third) wedding for one of my mom's former work friends.

This is her third spouse, right? Not an original wedding followed by two do-over weddings to the same person?

Yes, third spouse (for a male friend).

[delawarejen]

I am with your mother. I don't consider un-RSVP'ing to be appropriate unless there are extreme circumstances. Un-RSVP'ing to attend another social event is terribly bad manners.

[dexteroni]

Nov 6, 2014 14:44:19 GMT -5 rootbeerfloat said:

My mom is kind of a brat, so I expect they will both go to her event because she gets what she wants, not because of etiquette, lol.

Boo. Your dad should go to this brother's party if he wants to.

I don't get the judginess about it being a third wedding. Do you think this person shouldn't have a big wedding? Or that they shouldn't be getting married at all? Or that your mom shouldn't feel obligated to go since it's a third wedding? Or something else?

[cheezer]

I think it is really rude to un-RSVP to a wedding unless there is an emergency (death, sickness, travel cancellations).

[mushmouse]

I think if I was your Dad I would just say I'm not going. He can catch the 4th!

[rootbeerfloat]

Nov 6, 2014 14:47:09 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Nov 6, 2014 14:44:19 GMT -5 rootbeerfloat said:

My mom is kind of a brat, so I expect they will both go to her event because she gets what she wants, not because of etiquette, lol.

Boo. Your dad should go to this brother's party if he wants to.

I don't get the judginess about it being a third wedding. Do you think this person shouldn't have a big wedding? Or that they shouldn't be getting married at all? Or that your mom shouldn't feel obligated to go since it's a third wedding? Or something else?

Of course, everyone deserves love and companionship and to celebrate that. But I figure by the third time, maybe a smaller wedding could suffice. I don't know anything about the bride, though, so maybe it's for her. I assume she's close to his age (late 60s), but you never know.

Mostly, I think family (if you like them) trump work people.

[mbcdefg]

Also, in my original reply I was thinking of my own family, where a milestone birthday party would be a big deal because we don't see each other often. And I was thinking of my own former coworkers, whom I don't really talk to aside from Facebook. So in those instances I might tell the wedding hosts that something came up and I'd send a gift.

[Muddled]

It sounds like they already have a commitment.

[dexteroni]

Nov 6, 2014 14:56:13 GMT -5 rootbeerfloat said:

Mostly, I think family (if you like them) trump work people.

If they had known about both invitations at once, of course, they would have been fine to decline the wedding in favor of the birthday party. But once you've RSVP'ed, especially to something as big a wedding (even a third wedding), etiquette, which is what you asked about in your post title, dictates that you keep that commitment unless something unavoidable arises.

Did your cousins not even let people know of the date in advance? Oh boy. I hope they do a better job of putting the party together than they did with the invitations. lol.

[barefootcontessa]

I do not think that the fact is a third wedding gives you any more license to cancel.

[Deleted]

I don't think you can un-rsvp for a wedding. Deposits and such....can they go to the wedding, leave early and then go to the family party?

[shortstax]

I vote they divide and conquer, but not all couples roll like that.

[rootbeerfloat]

Nov 6, 2014 16:04:16 GMT -5 @missy1 said:

I don't think you can un-rsvp for a wedding. Deposits and such....can they go to the wedding, leave early and then go to the family party?

They probably could, but probably would prefer to keep it simple.

Nov 6, 2014 16:53:04 GMT -5 @songforyou said:

I'm not being judgmental about the fact that this guy is getting married for the third time, but between that, his age and even his gender, I feel comfortable with my personal stance that he may not view this wedding as important as a group of women who largely came from The Knot *shrug*. Maybe I'm wrong, it's possible, but that's my opinion. Based on that, I really don't think he'd take much offense to your mother nixing her +1 and attending alone. Are you in the same city? Can you serve as your mother's +1?

Eta - Never mind, I just realized you would probably prefer to attend your uncle's party if you are local.

Yeah, my sister and I (and our boys) will represent our branch of the tree at the family party.