Intro:-/ *Update

[aba]

Hi...I figured I may as well introduce myself as it seems I will probably be posting on this board a bit now.

I am 24 and in the very beginning stage of divorce. My husband (not sure what to call him right now) and I got married very young at 21. Like everyone warned us, we totally changed and grew these past couple years. Unfortunately we have grown apart and it just doesn't seem like we are going to work out. He is a good guy, but I just want totally different things in life. I feel like I had ALL of the pressure on me to make sure out family was supported and I just can't take that pressure anymore. His biggest complaint is that I treat him like a child and my biggest complaint is that I feel like I HAVE to treat him like a child.

Making all of this even harder is that I am in the midst of a relapse with my eating disorder. I have been struggling for about a year now and recently things have gotten really bad. I ended-up in the ER last Friday with IVs for 5 hours I do have support and am getting help, but it just makes everything so much more stressful. It is hard enough to eat just because I am so upset.

I'm not really sure where to go from here...Where do I start? I am planning to move to my own place the first week of September and I am opening my own bank account tomorrow. Anything else I need to make sure to do right away?

Thank you for reading all of this! I appreciate it!

[omeomi]

Oh my, I'm so sorry.

I'm glad that you know that you two were wanting different things and that you weren't willing to stick it out just because that's what's 'supposed' to happen. If you're not happy, you're not happy. But it still hurts a lot.

In regards to your ED, I assume it's primarily been anorexia? How long have you had problems with it? You don't need to answer if you don't want to, no pressure.

I know the stress of something like this can really screw with your appetite, especially since you have an ED background. I just hope that you're looking at your recent need to go to the hospital as a good reason to try to eat something and keep it down. I'm sure it's not easy, but neither is being hospitalized. And I'm sure there are plenty of people that care about you that don't want to see you ending up like that again.

As far as what you need to do, definitely talk with a lawyer asap. Secure your own bank account and get any joint accounts closed out and split up immediately. As in yesterday. Also, start looking for some sort of ED support group and/or someone to talk to about everything that's going on.

[aba]

Thank you both so much for the quick reply!

I am starting treatment for the ED this coming week. I suffer from anorexia-purging type. I will be seeing a therapist, a dietitian, and a support group once a week. I have had an eating disorder for about 10 years. It started in high school and I went away to residential treatment my freshman year of college. After treatment I did very well for a couple years before it started creeping back into my life. Thankfully, this time I have no doubt that the unhappiness in my marriage is what triggered the relapse. I am hoping that once things calm down and I can change my environment, the ED will start to "heal" itself a bit (with plenty of professional help of course!)

We have talked about seeing a marriage counselor, but I am unsure if we will go through with it or not. Honestly, I just don't love him anymore:( I mean, I DO love him, just not as a husband. I am willing to go if he wants to try though. Most likely he will be moving back home (across the country) within the next month. We will be "separated" for a couple months, then go from there I guess.

Thank you again! Hopefully I answered all the questions. I hope you all are doing well!

[omeomi]

I'm so glad that you're already being so proactive about knowing that you need some immediate help with your ED. I'm sure it's not easy.

Going with what mp said, dealing with both your marriage issues and your ED issues at the same time could prove to be a lot. Do you think your husband would be willing to take things as a trial separation for now while you work on yourself? Being that you've had the ED issue for a while now, it's a sign of not loving yourself. And when you don't love yourself, it's hard to really love someone else, ya know?

How has your husband treated you in regards to your troubles with the ED? I assume he was fully aware of the problems you had/have with it. Has he been at all supportive with helping to make sure that you don't fall into old habits? Sad as it is, your answer to that will probably sway how I personally would feel about the possibilities of you guys working it out or not.

[explorer2001]

Hugs. I would strongly recommend individual counselling for you, big for the ED and for getting through the divorce. You deserve a partner, not an overgrown kid you are basically parenting.

[aba]

mp: I have actually thought of this myself. I was and still am a bit afraid that my ED is just skewing how I feel in regards to my marriage. However, when I think about it, I can clearly see that the unhappiness in the marriage started before the ED issue this time. So, I think the marriage issues came before the ED (this time).

I should mention that work as a behavioral therapist full time and I am also in my last year of graduate school for Applied Behavior Analysis. So with that I tend to look at everything with the question, "what is causing this behavior? What environmental factors are influencing this maladaptive behavior?" When I ask myself that question, I have a pretty clear answer.

I do however plan to speak with my therapist about this issue, because like you said, I really don't want to look back in a year when I am well (hopefully!) and feel that I made a mistake.

Thank you for your response!

[aba]

Omeomi: My husband knew about my past ed when we met. I didn't struggle much the first couple years of marriage so he didn't exactly recognize the "signs" for many months. HOWEVER, when I started talking to him about it and he saw me literally drop over 50 lbs. in a couple months I figured he would show some concern. He did not. He basically ignored the fact that I was killing myself and said he thought I "looked fine." He even encouraged me to "work-out more." I can't begin to explain how much this hurt me. My best friend would beg me to get well, see a therapist, eat something, but my own husband was almost encouraging my illness. He says he just didn't/doesn't know what to do, but how can a husband watch his wife kill herself and do NOTHING?! Last week he asked me why I wanted to pay a therapist and dietitian to tell me to eat when he could just do the same thing.

It wasn't until this past Friday when I was sitting with IVs in my arms in the ER that he started to seem a bit concerned. Ugh. It hurts so much to even type this. After all of this, it seems pretty clear to me that we just aren't right for each other. I cannot have a husband who is willing to just sit back and let me suffer so much.

[omeomi]

Oh my That's what I was hoping NOT to hear.

I know that some people just don't know how to handle certain situations or know all of the signs, especially when they haven't had any experience with it. But for it to have been that dramatic of a change and him not to be at all concerned is very bothersome to me. You shouldn't have to be in the ER for IV fluids in order for your husband to show some concern about you.

You definitely need to just focus on yourself right now. As, after seeing your field and studies, I'm sure you're well aware of. You being healthy and getting yourself back onto the right emotional track for your own welfare trumps the marriage concerns right now. Not that the marriage isn't important to deal with, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

[aba]

Jul 31, 2012 23:11:54 GMT -5 omeomi said:

Oh my That's what I was hoping NOT to hear.

I know that some people just don't know how to handle certain situations or know all of the signs, especially when they haven't had any experience with it. But for it to have been that dramatic of a change and him not to be at all concerned is very bothersome to me. You shouldn't have to be in the ER for IV fluids in order for your husband to show some concern about you.

You definitely need to just focus on yourself right now. As, after seeing your field and studies, I'm sure you're well aware of. You being healthy and getting yourself back onto the right emotional track for your own welfare trumps the marriage concerns right now. Not that the marriage isn't important to deal with, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

I do know what you mean. I agree with you 100% I need to be well otherwise this marriage stuff won't matter. If I can't focus on my health first, sadly I probably won't be around long enough for anything else to matter

Thank you again! I really do appreciate it. I feel a bit less "lost" when I can talk/type some of this out. I will be ok. I CAN do this!

[omeomi]

Know that this board is the place where you can talk about all of this and have support. No matter what dynamic of the things you're dealing with, there'll be someone here to lend an ear (eye?) to help you get through whatever it is that's concerning you at the time.

We've all been through some sort of hell on this board. You're not alone.

And you'll have a PM shortly

[aba]

I wanted to write a quick update in case anyone wanted to know how things, especially with the eating disorder are going...

My H left to go back home for two weeks (this was a previously planned vacation). It has been good to have him out of the house, however my ED behaviors have been out of control b/c I am alone.

I did start seeing a therapist and dietitian last week. I LOVE my therapist but I really dislike the dietitian. She is really confusing me and giving me such mixed messages. For example, she says my weight is "fine" and she doesn't mind if I don't gain weight (despite being 20 lbs. under my "ideal body weight"), but if I lose 5 more lbs she will have to hospitalize me. How can my weight be "fine" if I only have 5 lbs to go until I am in a hospital!? I KNOW my weight is not ok. I don't think I need to gain 20 lbs, but I do know that a woman my height should NOT wear the size I do.

She also told me a "story" about how she used to work with a very, very thin girl who actually had to be pulled out of school she was so ill. Well, she got the girl to eat more and the girl actually LOST more weight. She let her go back to school and stop coming to counseling bc she was "eating more," despite the fact that she was now even more underweight. WTF?!

She went on to tell me that if I eat more, I too will probably lose weight. Furthermore, she doens't want me to exercise, but I should look into doing something like yoga 3-4x a week. Ummmm I am so freaking confused and upset. She makes me feel like I should lose more weight. I actually leave there wanting to engage in behaviors more so than when I went in.

I feel like everything just sucks right now and I so badly want to give-up. :'(Sorry, probably not quite the best update.

[formerlyak]

Just wanted to give you hugs ... and comment on the yoga thing.

Yoga may actually be a good thing for you. I see that she suggests you don't exercise, but do something like yoga. Recent studies show that if yoga is your only form of exercise, you can actually gain weight because it slows the metabolism if it isn't paired with anything else. The other benefit of yoga for you is that is might help reduce your stress. And, since stress is something that brings on your ED, reducing it is obviously a good thing.

Just a thought.

[explorer2001]

Just wanted to.send hugs and encouragement. I hope your counselor can recommend a better dietician.

[Deleted]

Ditto what everyone else said, just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here for additional support. Good luck sweetie.

[aba]

Thank you all! I appreciate the thoughts/hugs. Sometimes I don't know where to turn for "help."

[dakotadangerdog]

Find a new dietician!!! You should leave feeling better and having a good solid plan of action, not feeling worse than when you went in!

[lookingup]

Aug 13, 2012 22:44:15 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Find a new dietician!!! You should leave feeling better and having a good solid plan of action, not feeling worse than when you went in!

I totally agree with DDD. This lady sounds like she's not the brightest crayon in the box, and is perhaps working in the wrong career field. I'm sorry that your update wasn't as happy as we all would like, but I am glad you're here to get support you need.

I was also 21 when I married my H (who was 25 at the time, only a month from 26). I left him after 2.5 years of marriage, and posting here was the first step for me in coming to terms with my real life issues. You can't always talk to your friends and family about such personal problems and expect a straight answer or good advice; but the ladies here will always tell you what you need to hear.

I truly hope that you are able to get healthy soon. ((Hugs)) Please keep us updated!