Work WWYD - long and dramatic (to me, at least)

[firelight1210]

This is going to be long.

I work in a small branch – four people. Specifically, four women. I am having a problem with a coworker (J), and I don’t know how to address it, and it is making me feel like shit.

I’m not a total fuck up at work, but I do have my moments. One of these moments was about a month ago where my husband and I were having a melt down (seriously considered and almost agreed to divorce), and it happened while at work. My manager was out of the office, and I kept to my office most of the day because I was visibly upset and did not want to face members that way. Apparently, she was rolling her eyes and gossiping with my other coworker (M, who is not a gossip, but doesn’t get involved with this stuff). In terms of leadership, when my manager is out of the office, I am the next highest, and the other two ladies work the front line.

When my manager returned to the office, I guess J went and told her that “firelight had another episode with her h, and she didn’t come out all day”. My manager grilled M about it, but she stayed non committal.

This is only the most recent in a long list of things that J has done.

What gets me is that J is the WORST employee – does not give a shit about the job, can’t make her goals, and she hates it here. But she is my manager’s favorite (my manager leaves lots of room for improvement as well), and anything J says must be true. When J actually gets caught doing shit, her respons? “*giggle* oops, my bad *giggle*”.

I fucking hate her, and I don’t know how to handle this. I am extremely non confrontational, and my manager is biased towards her. The only reason I know half of this stuff is because M tells me before my manager can to give me a heads up.

What the fuck do I do? I’ve never had issues with coworkers before, and I hate this.

[snipsnsnails]

Seriously, kill her with kindness. Don't engage in any pettiness. Do the absolute best job that you can in your role. And treat everyone with kindness.

She wants you to react. And she wants you to seem weak. Do neither.

[trafficgirl]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with asshat J. Honestly the only thing I can think to do is look for a new job. Or start documenting all the times J screws up/doesn't make goals in hopes that it will eventually lead to letting her go. Though it sounds like that's unlikely.

[captainobvious]

M sure seems like she's getting involved by telling you all this.

[snipsnsnails]

Also, you say M is not a gossip, but she is talking to you about everything, yes?

[firelight1210]

Nov 18, 2014 14:12:18 GMT -5 captainobvious said:

M sure seems like she's getting involved by telling you all this.

She is, but to keep me from getting blind sided.  I don't really trust either of them, but I don't think that M would be gossiping back.  I worked with her much longer, J has only been here a year.

My h says to schedule a meeting with J and my manager and try to hash it out, but my manager hasn't mentioned anything to me just yet.  But her MO is to gather shit, then have a meeting and present it all at once - not letting me know that anything is wrong up to that point.

[iamali]

1. Agree with the kill with kindness rule
2. As hard as it is, discussing NOTHING personal at work with these people (I know it's hard when you're in the midst of a fight)
3. Document, document, document. But facts only. No opinion. No hearsay.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

I think staying in your office all day was childish. You need to learn to separate your personal and professional life. And you feelings towards j, while justified, need to be put aside for professionalism. And there seems to be a lot of finger pointing coming from you toward more than 50% of your coworkers. You aren't blameless in this.

[ralphlauren]

Nov 18, 2014 14:17:03 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

I think staying in your office all day was childish. You need to learn to separate your personal and professional life. And you feelings towards j, while justified, need to be put aside for professionalism. And there seems to be a lot of finger pointing coming from you toward more than 50% of your coworkers. You aren't blameless in this.

I agree with you!

[firelight1210]

Nov 18, 2014 14:17:03 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

I think staying in your office all day was childish. You need to learn to separate your personal and professional life. And you feelings towards j, while justified, need to be put aside for professionalism. And there seems to be a lot of finger pointing coming from you toward more than 50% of your coworkers. You aren't blameless in this.

Oh, I know I'm not blameless in this.  When J first started, I had a HORRIBLE time separating personal and professional life - I've had conversations with my manager about it.  I started seeing a therapist around Thanksgiving last year and have made HUGE strides to keeping professional at work, and this was the first slip up almost since then. I understand that I need to be professionial with them, and have been trying, but it's hard when I feel that J is unprofessional and constantly looking for the first thing to run and tell the boss about.

I feel like I can't say anything about her to my manager (pointing out where she makes mistakes, or is rude herself), because my manager does not take it well at all.  She protects J.

[nomad100]

Either you learn to deal with it (keeping personal and professional lives separate) and totally ignore J (and probably M too since she is a gossip too) or you find a new job. Those are really your only 2 options.

Nothing is going to change if your manager has shown that she doesn't care that J is gossiping, not making her goals and making mistakes.

[iamali]

You probably know this, but never, ever, ever bring up "what J is doing".

Nope, nope, nope, don't go there.

Focus on the things YOU can do to be a good employee, etc.

[firelight1210]

I'm not sure who you are referring to here - me or J?

ETA - never mind, I see the bolded now.  It's not.  I am just so frustrated with the double standard.  I don't do it anyway, unless it was something egregious that I had to bring my manager into to handle.

[Deleted]

I'm dealing with a CW witch right now and, while it sucks and I want to steal her name plate off her door or something, the only answer is to smile and go about your business. Do not engage. Only converse on work related issues. Do your job. If you are having a meltdown, go out to your car or walk around the block. Don't give anyone a reason to talk about you and hopefully they will stop.

[firelight1210]

Okay. So would the general consensus be not bring it up to my manager? Stop talking to everyone and do my work.

[firelight1210]

I know. I think I'm just mad that she's talking behind my back - to my MANAGER, and she does the same shit. She swears she doesn't have drama, but she's also constantly on the phone, telling anyone and everyone about her boyfriend problems, and kid problems, and exhusband problems. She also cries all the damn time, is rude to members when she's in a bad mood, and is overall a gigantic bitch.

*deep breath*

There. I think I got it out. Maybe I just had to be petty and immature for a minute?

[firelight1210]

No I see it now - some of you all pointed it out. It's hard when I'm in it and make it all about ME and who's doing things wrong to ME.

So thanks for the objective view and advice. I will work on keeping everything in check and maintaining cordial professionalism.

And go home and mutter curses while sipping my wine, lol.

[captainobvious]

Nov 18, 2014 14:48:24 GMT -5 firelight1210 said:

Okay. So would the general consensus be not bring it up to my manager? Stop talking to everyone and do my work.

Yes. And document any real issues with FACTS ONLY not opinions. 

[shopgirl07]

And also, M is just as bad as J when it comes to drama and workplace disharmony. I would always tell my employees that if you're always running to people saying "so and so did said this, so and so did this", even it's under the guise of giving someone a heads up, you're perpetuating drama.

So what I would say is that you work in a small office where at least half the people are gossip hounds. You need to rise above in every way. And tell M that you don't want to hear what J is saying, or what your manager is saying. If you feel like the workplace is toxic, then look for another job.

[firelight1210]

Nov 18, 2014 15:02:23 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

You absolutely, positively, must keep your personal life separate from your work life. Having a melt down at the office with your dh and shutting yourself in your office all day is dreadful behavior. And if this is one of a long line of times when you've dragged your personal life into the office life, well, you're feeding the fire. You do not say that J is telling lies about you; she's apparently just not feeling the need to keep quiet to the boss about your many mistakes. 

If you do not want J to rat you out to your boss, keep your nose clean and she won't have anything to tell. 

As far as J's work is concerned, keep your mouth shut about it unless it is part of your job description to comment on J's work to management. If it is, comment only on her work, not on her tattle telling.
Meantime, keep your eyes on  your own work and your own behavior, get it done on time and under budget as they say, do it well and let it speak for itself. 

Do you think it would have been more appropriate for her to come to me first if she had a problem with me?  I just feel like cutting me out entirely and going straight to my manager didn't give me any time to fix it first.  Again, I may not be seeing things clearly because I'm in the middle of it, but I would usually try to go to the problem before running to my manager.  Especially since I've tried to be friendly with her, so I don't feel that I am unapproachable.

But I do agree that it was not good behavior on my part, and I'm not claiming that I was right.  I guess I just would have liked some compassion, or an attempt to clear it up before going to my manager.

Anyway. I am a good worker - one of the top performers in the branches, and I have a good reputation for myself.  Prior to getting therapy, I was on a slippery slope, but I'm back to good now.  I don't want this hanging over me.

Blergh.

[firelight1210]

Thank you @cse1960 for the tongue lashing (not snarky). It has been heard and noted.

[iamali]

When something happens, ask yourself WWSSD (What would @cse1960  do?).

[firelight1210]

Nov 18, 2014 15:16:27 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Nov 18, 2014 15:09:59 GMT -5 firelight1210 said:

Do you think it would have been more appropriate for her to come to me first if she had a problem with me?  I just feel like cutting me out entirely and going straight to my manager didn't give me any time to fix it first.  Again, I may not be seeing things clearly because I'm in the middle of it, but I would usually try to go to the problem before running to my manager.  Especially since I've tried to be friendly with her, so I don't feel that I am unapproachable.

But I do agree that it was not good behavior on my part, and I'm not claiming that I was right.  I guess I just would have liked some compassion, or an attempt to clear it up before going to my manager.

Anyway. I am a good worker - one of the top performers in the branches, and I have a good reputation for myself.  Prior to getting therapy, I was on a slippery slope, but I'm back to good now.  I don't want this hanging over me.

Blergh.

Well, your personal life should not have been present and visible to the point of it causing a situation where a co-worker felt the need to bring it up to someone. And no, I don't think anyone should have come to you first, because these issues are exactly what people have managers/HR for. 

I don't know what you mean by wanting compassion? It's not your co-workers responsibility to be compassionate to personal stuff you drag into work, to the point where you shut yourself in your office all day, especially if they are being affected by it. 

J sounds like a snatch, but you are just as responsible for the situation at hand, which you say you are able to recognize.

But, even the post above with your expectations of how other people should manage your drama at work is...dramatic LOL

[/b]

What YOU should do is take a step back, get a hold of the personal stuff at work, and focus on working at work.  




[/quote]
Thank you for pointing that out.  I guess i can see it.

I will take a step back.

Thank you all for the tough love.

[nomad100]

Not to pile on but if you knew that holing yourself up in your office wasn't a smart decision, you should have been the one to tell your manager about it. Not to give J (and M) the opportunity to get in the middle. It is hard for J to gossip to your manager about you when there is nothing to gossip about.

And I get that working with someone like this stinks/is stressful/you just wish karma will hit them with a bus. I have a co-worker who sounds a bit like J. It is difficult I get it but I have found that not giving people like this "ammunition" goes a long way.

[firelight1210]

That is a good point that I should have brought it up first. Honestly, it was not a busy day, there was nobody that came by to see me, and they didn't need back up out front so I just wanted to forget about it all. Okay, that was all excuses, but it certainly will not happen again.