My husband is an asshole

[fayeelle]

I am just sad, defeated and heartbroken....as well as straight up angry.

I have a 14 yo lab mix that I've had since she was 5wks old. She was my first "real" dog that I got a few months after graduating HS. She is seriously the best damn dog. She's been with me through serious relationships, a marriage, a divorce, a cross country move, another marriage and now a pregnancy. I would love it if she can be here to see my baby but she has been declining and I'm not certain she will even see next month. It sucks SO hard.

Her mobility has been a problem for some time now. Started with arthritic hips that I was able to manage as needed with pain meds. Recently she has been severely limping on a front leg; one that she had a cancerous skin mass removed from 3yrs ago. She is taking 3 different meds to help control the pain/inflammation right now and she is just about maxed out on those, only a little more I can increase. In the past 7 days she has not severely limped only 2 of them.

I have showed a video of her to her doc last week and she agrees its not good. Bone cancer is #1 on the list and very likely based on location. Besides symptomatic treatment, which I am doing, the only option is amputation which is out based on her heart rhythm during her last procedure. So this is it....I'm doing everything I can for her right now. It's very likely I will need to euthanize her, possibly sooner than later.

So tonight she is having a bad night and its 100% my fault for not getting out of bed to get her refill. I was SO sick and just couldn't move. I know I should've just pushed myself but didn't and I can't time travel so here we are. Anyway, seeing another bad day prompted a convo with DH about how he would prefer to handle this with SS's (ie: do we tell them in advance so they can say goodbye or after it happens).

First he acts like this is all brand new information even though I've mentioned she may not be here much after Thanksgiving at least 3 times in the last 2 weeks. He "didn't remember " which is a fucking constant for him but whatever. Then he tells me he doesn't agree and feels blindsided and starts arguing that she seems completely fine. No dude.....she's far from fine. She can barely walk, she pants from the constant pain and is always conflicted about getting up. She is not herself. At all. She has 1 good leg out of 3, how is that ok?!

I'll add that I've been a vet tech for 14+ years. I've seen more pets come in suffering much past thier time than those given a final gift (yes, gift) of not leaving this earth in excruciating pain. I promised myself I would never do that to my pets and let their last day be a good one with lots of chocolate. This kind of thing is what I do, I'm an advocate for pets especially my own.

I get DH doesn't live the life I do and hasn't experienced these things. But man, he acted like such a fucking asshole about it all. Combative, raised voice, cut me off numerous times without letting me try to explain things to help him understand better, defensive. He even started to tell me it seemed like I was just giving up on her which he quickly retracted. That drive me to tears real quick. Thank you DH for making an already difficult decision even worse by being a dick and offering zero support and argue instead. Yep, that with being pregnant is the most awful feeling.

If this wasn't his usual MO when there is a big decision I would just say he was emotional. But he does this shit constantly. All I was trying to do was let him decide what he would like to tell his kids. I know what I would do but its quite apparent its the exact opposite since "I'm killing a dog that seems fine." Exact words.

I'm not bringing it up to him again and won't have a discussion with SS's either even though I truly feel it would be better. I think when the time comes I'll figure out how to get her on and out of the car myself and take her to work. After this I'm 100% certain I should do this alone since DH is incapable of offering any type of emotional support (his behavior was similar when I had to go back home to take care of my dad right before he passed).

Sorry for all this. I really needed someone to talk to right now since keeping it in makes me feel worse

[flamingeaux]

Oh sweetie. Huge, gigantic, tearful hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry he said those horrible things to you. Is there anyway, you can get him to talk to the vet, so he can really see her condition? If he refuses, I would probably ask his permission to let the kids talk with you and the vet, so they at least understand why she's not there anymore, and then they have it from a neutral 3rd party.

[nextbigthing]

I'm so sorry, it is an awful position to be in. Your sweet doggie is lucky your his mom. I hope it all works out for you

[Bonita]

I'm so sorry :-( {{{hugs}}}

[christy082]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry.

[estrellita]

I'm so sorry I hope he realizes soon that she is in pain. My ILs dog is also getting old and in pain, but luckily she still has her personality. When she loses that, that's when they said they know it's time. You know her best and know if she's not doing well. So many *hugs* and I hope your H can be supportive like he should be!

[krystee]

I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is so hard and it's even worse when you feel like you're doing it alone. You are NOT killing a healthy dog. By your description, it sounds very clear that she isn't doing well and that soon you will need to make the decision. I love that she's stayed with you and been your baby until your other baby was here/about to be here. Big hugs.

[starburst604]

I'm so sorry, it's incredibly hard to make that decision. We put our cat down last spring after a long chronic illness. There was no doubt in my mind the day I brought him in. My H was away so I had to make the call on my own. Like your pup, he was mine long before I met DH so I guess I considered myself his decision maker anyway. We had no children to explain to though. I think it's hard when the decline is gradual to see how bad the pet has gotten (which might be the case with your H). When I look back at pics of my cat the last 6 months of his life I am shocked at how terrible he looked, but I absolutely did not see him that way at the time. Love really can be blind.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry about your dog and it sounds like you have a good vet to work through the situation with.

Regarding your husband, I think some people just don't do well with their emotions in sensitive situations. I know he was not helping things. It is the sort of thing that I've found a counselor to be helpful with--either to learn how to approach a person like that or for him to go with you if he's open to it. If you're just venting and don't want advice, feel free to ignore.

Pregnancy is enough stress, I'm sorry you're dealing with the rest of it:(

[Monica Geller]

I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))

[toutsuite]

Oh my goodness sweet lady. I am so so sorry to hear about your precious pup, and I am sorry he is not being supportive right now. That is not something you need considering all that you have going on.    As much as you can, take solace in the fact that every decision you made for her was made out of unconditional love with her best interests at heart.  She knows this.  She also knows that she is very lucky to have you as her mom. Huge huge hugs to you.

[rachelgreen]

First, I'm so sorry about your pup. I believe in the same things you do when it comes to their health and being able to give them the gift of not suffering. Big, ginormous hugs from me.

I'm sorry your husband wasn't supportive and is making this harder than it should be. That's not fair to you.

In regards to your step kids, how close are you to them? I ask because if you have a decent relationship, I'd talk to them myself and not wait for your DH to. I know some might disagree but as a kid that had step parents, if I came to one of their houses and "my" pet was gone and I didn't even know about it I would feel so hurt and left out. They should at least know before it happens.

[achi]

I'm sorry, sending hugs.

[busterpup]

I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is just so hard. It sounds like your H is having a hard time with it, too, and is taking his sadness out on you which just makes it even harder. Hopefully, he will come around and be supportive, but it's so difficult to be reasonable when you're grieving. Big hugs. I hope your dog has a wonderful last day and a peaceful passing.

[busterpup]

sorry, duplicate post

[magdala]

I am so sorry. I think you are making the right decisions and I am sending thoughts and prayers to help you move forward.

[626]

I'm so sorry. What a tough situation to be in. I have no advice, but wanted to send some thoughts and hugs.

[bluelikejazz]

Huge Internet Hugs! I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

[fayeelle]

Thank you for all your kind words. I really, really, really appriciate it. O barely slept last night I was so upset.
@kcpokergal I know DH sucks terribly at sensitive situations. The reality is that I can't count on him for support in emotional or crucial decisions. It always ends up with him pissed off and me crying and/or carrying the emotional burden for both of us. Honestly if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't have had that discussion, I would have just handled it and asked him to help get her in and out of the car.


rachelgreen I feel like I'm very close with SS's. We have 50/50 custody and I've been in their lives for nearly 6yrs now. We talk about all kinds of things, sometimes more serious nature on the way to school if something pops in their heads. Theu typically come to me for any/all animal things because of my job. When SS1's hamster died a couple years ago I jumped in, explained everything, helped him grieve and went back to work that night to make him clay paw imprints.
We had a service the next night and he asked me to read the rainbow bridge poem which I did withput hesitation. In that case he sought support from me and I thought I handled it perfectly.

DH and I definitely see a lot different when it comes to kids. He would keep them sheltered from everything all the time if he could. Its noble and none of us want our kids to hurt but sometimes (a lot of the time) waiting to react is worse. They are nearly 10 and 12 now and have experienced pet (and unfortunately family) loss. I b knkw DH wants to protect them but this is something unavoidable.
Those boys have the biggest bleeding hearts I've ever seen. They are so completely in tune with everyone's emotions.....its scary. I know without a doubt they would want to know so they could say goodbye. I also know they would understand the why when explained just as I have with you all.
From the second I started talking last night I told DH I can do the talking and I just wanted to know when since he addresses things so different than I. It promptly turned into a shit show leaving me in tears. And here we are today, no decisions and we likely won't talk about it again. I guess if they don't get a chance for goodbyes I can be honest about it? Ugh. I can love them like my own but not treat them how I would. Step parenting is hard.

[rachelgreen]

I really would just tell them myself beforehand. If they want to come over and say goodbye they should have the "right" to. That's just my opinion. I guess I look at it as, well DH might get mad at me but we're already fighting so who cares, lol. Little boys love their dogs and I honestly feel it's mean to not let them properly say goodbye.