I know it's well meaning...

[jigsy]

I hear ya on that...I've written off many dudes who have messaged me with "How are you single?" Well, you know nothing about me, so are you saying just because I look nice, I should automatically be snatched up?

I also feel like it is a little defeatist...like, the only guys who are left out there that are single are weirdo's who don't pay for dinner or are too clingy or whatever.

[mcc]

Yup, I hate it too. My mom used to say it until I told her that people are likely saying that about me and that I'm still single! She finally got it.

The same goes for "That's why he's divorced" and other sayings like that.

[wampuscat]

If you're referencing where I commented about the guy who sent me an unsolicited dick pic and I said "no wonder he's single", I still firmly stand by that. He actually IS single for a reason. He's a creep. I wasn't trying to offend anyone, and if I did, I apologize, but I wasn't meaning to insult any of the ladies on this board.

[WinterIsComing]

I'm one of the ones that said it in there and it was meant more as a support for the OP. I don't think it is any worse to say that though then some of the other things said in that thread - nutcase, creep, insane, etc. It's all making a snap judgement of someone based on a limited amount of info.

[Wanderista]

I can say that I have mentioned the idea of "nice" guys who wonder why they are still single. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single at all but I've mentioned guys like that because they do tend to gripe misogynistically about why women keep passing them up when they are so "nice". With that reference I'm not talking about being single generally, it's just that there are some of these men who think that if they act like a "nice guy" then they are entitled to things like sexual favors. 

I'm talking about the mentality where a guy says, "Look, I'm a nice guy, I bought her a drink, now she owes me. Why am I still single?" There's nothing inherently wrong with being single. I just know of a lot of guys who think like that, and yes, they tend to wonder why they are single.

Anyway, I am sorry if anything that I have said has seemed to imply that there is anything wrong with being single as a status because I definitely don't think that. 

[wampuscat]

Nov 20, 2014 16:43:52 GMT -5 mp said:

Nov 20, 2014 16:40:02 GMT -5 wampuscat said:

If you're referencing where I commented about the guy who sent me an unsolicited dick pic and I said "no wonder he's single", I still firmly stand by that. He actually IS single for a reason. He's a creep. I wasn't trying to offend anyone, and if I did, I apologize, but I wasn't meaning to insult any of the ladies on this board.

The thing is - there are plenty of creeps like that that *aren't* single. Being a creep has nothing to do with someone's relationship status. They're single - AND they're a creep. Mutually exclusive.

Now granted, there are people that really want to be in a relationship, and are clingy, suck at communication, come on too strong - whatever the case may be - and those things may be preventing people from healthy communication and forming a relationship.

But I still think that the insult is misguided in 90%+ of instances where I've heard it used.

I agree that there are a lot of creeps like that that aren't single.  I know this guy personally.  There is a laundry list of reasons why he's single and you listed a bunch of them up there ^^^

[WinterIsComing]

Nov 20, 2014 16:52:23 GMT -5 mp said:

Nov 20, 2014 16:40:56 GMT -5 WinterIsComing said:

I'm one of the ones that said it in there and it was meant more as a support for the OP. I don't think it is any worse to say that though then some of the other things said in that thread - nutcase, creep, insane, etc. It's all making a snap judgement of someone based on a limited amount of info.

Like jigsy said, after hearing "How are you still single?!" time and time again - and seeing "NO WONDER they're still single!" over and over... it gets old, and ... just know that people are probably thinking the same thing about your and your divorce (like mcc mentioned).

It's what made me realize it was a shitty thing to say.

Guy is a creepy asshole. And he's also single. And he may have a harder time finding a relationship because of it.

I just know that I hate everyone's faults being put on blast during singlehood with a big dose of "THAT is why you're still single!" when I am more stable and in a better place in my life than a hell of a lot of married people I know!

We all have faults. We all have issues. These things are not always the reason we're *still* single.

I'm not saying it was the right thing to say but like I said before, to me it's not shittier than calling someone a creepy asshole. Based on what was posted, the guy was a little over eager and didn't respond well to rejection- that doesn't make him creepy. I'm sure you have reacted poorly (like we all have) to relationship stuff - doesn't make you creepy. You're being just as judgmental, just about something different.

[jojoandleo]

The point is- it's judgmental of BEING SINGLE. Like there has to be a reason someone is single. I don't give a fuck about judging creepers. Judge away.

[WinterIsComing]

Nov 20, 2014 17:16:18 GMT -5 mp said:

Nov 20, 2014 17:02:06 GMT -5 WinterIsComing said:

Fair enough, I guess. His actions did come off creepy, and he came off really strong and his comment was asshole-ish. So calling him an asshole based on a few asshole actions was perhaps too much.

And I have TOTALLY done things that were way too intense/wrong/weird/creepy. You're right, it doesn't make me crazy as a whole, but it absolutely doesn't mean my actions were not crazy. haha!

I stand by the fact that I think associating negative qualities with singlehood is very defeatist, and implies that singlehood is bad. So, meh. Your point is taken.

I'm definitely not saying your wrong about the bolded. I totally get it. I'm new enough into my divorce that I haven't gotten the "why are you still single" yet but I definitely have been on the receiving end of "don't worry, i'm sure you won't be single for long." While I get they are trying to be helpful, I do get defensive because it implies I need to fix my single status - which I am totally content with for now.

I just think we all get defensive about the things that affect us even though we all judge other really harshly.

And trust me, I'm new to the dating stuff but I guarantee I will have lots of crazy that will show at some point. Especially because I am a little emotional

[jojoandleo]

Nov 20, 2014 17:02:06 GMT -5 WinterIsComing said:

Nov 20, 2014 16:52:23 GMT -5 mp said:

Like jigsy said, after hearing "How are you still single?!" time and time again - and seeing "NO WONDER they're still single!" over and over... it gets old, and ... just know that people are probably thinking the same thing about your and your divorce (like mcc mentioned).

It's what made me realize it was a shitty thing to say.

Guy is a creepy asshole. And he's also single. And he may have a harder time finding a relationship because of it.

I just know that I hate everyone's faults being put on blast during singlehood with a big dose of "THAT is why you're still single!" when I am more stable and in a better place in my life than a hell of a lot of married people I know!

We all have faults. We all have issues. These things are not always the reason we're *still* single.

I'm not saying it was the right thing to say but like I said before, to me it's not shittier than calling someone a creepy asshole. Based on what was posted, the guy was a little over eager and didn't respond well to rejection- that doesn't make him creepy. I'm sure you have reacted poorly (like we all have) to relationship stuff - doesn't make you creepy. You're being just as judgmental, just about something different.

The point is, your comment was shitty to ALL SINGLE PEOPLE. Like being single is bad and there must be a reason behind it. I don't know if you are being purposefully obtuse, or if I'm in a bad mood because this is annoying me.

[Deleted]

What I've taken away from this is that I've been single for four years and no one has expressed any surprise out of this. Hmmmm...

I get what you're saying mp. I doesn't personally bother me but I can totally see why it would bother people.

[Deleted]

Also random questions to play devil's advocate because I'm bored. But if someone were to submit a shitty resume and I commented "No wonder they are still unemployed." Is that offensive to everyone who is unemployed including those who unemployed by no fault of their own? I almost see more offensive in "how are you still single" because that to me implies its a bad thing to be single. Yes I'm rambling.

[WinterIsComing]

Nov 20, 2014 17:22:47 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Nov 20, 2014 17:02:06 GMT -5 WinterIsComing said:

I'm not saying it was the right thing to say but like I said before, to me it's not shittier than calling someone a creepy asshole. Based on what was posted, the guy was a little over eager and didn't respond well to rejection- that doesn't make him creepy. I'm sure you have reacted poorly (like we all have) to relationship stuff - doesn't make you creepy. You're being just as judgmental, just about something different.

The point is, your comment was shitty to ALL SINGLE PEOPLE. Like being single is bad and there must be a reason behind it. I don't know if you are being purposefully obtuse, or if I'm in a bad mood because this is annoying me.

Ha, I love that you just called me stupid in an argument about saying shitty things to people.

My comment was not an insult to all single people. I was referencing that this guys over eager behavior and asshole comments on a first date were probably a turn off. I know where said that ALL people who are single must do those things. I was being judgmental of him, not of all single people.

Look this is an argument I am obviously not going to win so I'm not even going to try.

[jojoandleo]

Nov 20, 2014 17:44:06 GMT -5 WinterIsComing said:

Nov 20, 2014 17:22:47 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

The point is, your comment was shitty to ALL SINGLE PEOPLE. Like being single is bad and there must be a reason behind it. I don't know if you are being purposefully obtuse, or if I'm in a bad mood because this is annoying me.

Ha, I love that you just called me stupid in an argument about saying shitty things to people.

My comment was not an insult to all single people. I was referencing that this guys over eager behavior and asshole comments on a first date were probably a turn off. I know where said that ALL people who are single must do those things. I was being judgmental of him, not of all single people.

Look this is an argument I am obviously not going to win so I'm not even going to try.

I didn't call you stupid. The phrase "no wonder he is single" insinuates being single is bad. Therefore, it is insulting to all singles. I don't know why you aren't following this. You said it in reference to one guy, but you are lumping a negative with BEING SINGLE. It was not your intent, but THAT was the point of this thread.

[mcc]

I love how when people insult other on the board, they get defensive and then claim they can't understand it because they're not in their shoes. That's why we're telling you it's rude and insensitive and insulting--because we are there and it is insulting. Just like how we were once in your position, where you are now, and can still somehow show support. It's called empathy. Arguing about it makes you look bad WinterIsComing when you could just as easily tell someone, "You know what? Wow, I never thought of it that way! I'm sure that's annoying but I guess I'm so far from dating since I'm in a different place that I can't fully get it yet."

[berbles]

Nov 20, 2014 18:05:16 GMT -5 mp said:

Nov 20, 2014 17:50:28 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I didn't call you stupid. The phrase "no wonder he is single" insinuates being single is bad. Therefore, it is insulting to all singles. I don't know why you aren't following this. You said it in reference to one guy, but you are lumping a negative with BEING SINGLE. It was not your intent, but THAT was the point of this thread.

That's what I mean - it's similar to the reason people don't use/shouldn't use/get heated over using "that's gay" as an insult.

Because it's lumping something negative and "gay" in the same boat.

Even though I used to use that phrase as a kid, and had no problem with the gay community, I stopped using it because I came to understand why it was inappropriate.

It's not that I think you think singleness is a bad thing, WinterIsComing, because I don't think you think that at all. It's just that linking bad behavior to singleness comes off really negative - not that it can't be linked, sometimes - I am just not quick to lump negativity and being single together.

ME TOO!  And I used this exact argument to convince a macho guy friend in HS to stop using it too.


Then my history teacher called us all fa**ots.   </3  Oh, sorry, that's a whole OTHER story.  Yes, I reported him.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2014 18:08:53 GMT -5 mp said:

Nov 20, 2014 17:29:52 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Also random questions to play devil's advocate because I'm bored. But if someone were to submit a shitty resume and I commented "No wonder they are still unemployed." Is that offensive to everyone who is unemployed including those who unemployed by no fault of their own? I almost see more offensive in "how are you still single" because that to me implies its a bad thing to be single. Yes I'm rambling.

I think if I were unemployed, I would probably find this offensive. LOL. But, I am not. So, I don't.

For me, though, employment is much more of a science than relationships are. You can't define chemistry and attraction. You can define what makes a good resume, in general terms, and you can define what is proper interview behavior. Again, generally speaking.

But I can be the perfect mix of "average" - I have good social skills, I am reasonably attractive, I am a good listener, etc - and I can meet a lot of really great people, but none with whom I am a good fit.

And while jobs are similar, in the sense that you can always be number two and never quite the right fit, I think with job hunting there is a more specific and defined rule set that is clear.

Maybe that makes sense and maybe it doesn't, I dunno. LOL.

Yea that makes sense. Like I say not trying to start a heated debate just genuinely curious. I mean I think the root of the difference, now that I've had more time to procrastinate and think on this some more, is that I think we can agree being unemployed, is pretty universally agreed to be a bad situation. I 'm not counting people who are not actively seeking a job (i.e. retired people, SAHMs, etc.) However being single "shouldn't" be viewed as universally a bad thing. I believe jojoandleo articulated this like two hours ago. 

[stephreloaded]

Nov 20, 2014 17:23:52 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

What I've taken away from this is that I've been single for four years and no one has expressed any surprise out of this. Hmmmm...

I get what you're saying mp. I doesn't personally bother me but I can totally see why it would bother people.

I've been single for 6 years. I win (or lose)!!!

[WinterIsComing]

Like I have said, I was not meaning to insult people who are single or imply that being single is bad in anyway. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I am obviously just digging myself into a hole and pissing people off so I will stop arguing about this.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2014 18:41:44 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

Nov 20, 2014 17:23:52 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

What I've taken away from this is that I've been single for four years and no one has expressed any surprise out of this. Hmmmm...

I get what you're saying mp. I doesn't personally bother me but I can totally see why it would bother people.

I've been single for 6 years. I win (or lose)!!!

I see it as a legit win. Honestly I really really love my life being single. 

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2014 18:55:40 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Nov 20, 2014 18:41:44 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

I've been single for 6 years. I win (or lose)!!!

I see it as a legit win. Honestly I really really love my life being single. 

Another long time single girl checking in!! 5 years.  What's wrong with me??

[abcdefu]

Nov 20, 2014 16:21:41 GMT -5 mp said:

But "No wonder they're still single!" is really kind of offensive and rude.

I've seen it a few times on this board as insults to the men we're talking about. But, uh, a lot of us girls have also been single quite some time.

And while I can say that we pretty much all have something to work on, I wouldn't say that I have major issues behind my singlehood. I have normal people issues, that I am working on, and I also happen to be single.

It's like we're single shaming without realizing it - you can't win here sometimes. We shame for codependency and jumping into something, but then we shame singles and say "NO WONDER YOU'RE SINGLE!"

Yes, this is me taking it personally. It's just one of those things I HATE when people say - because I also hate the question "How are you still single?!"

I hate this as well! I lovvvvvveee sports! I know stats, players, watch every game whether my team is playing or not! I ALWAYS get asked "why are you still single? Do you know how many guys would love to date a girl that loves sports?"

It's super annoying!! There is more to me than my relationship status and my hobby! /end rant

[Emerald1486]

I hate the "Why are you still single?" question too. Umm, because I haven't found the right person yet?

[achase123]

Ita with this. Maybe we're single just because we ARE. Timing hasn't been right. Maybe there isn't anything blaringly WRONG we just haven't met someone we clicked with completely.

[MyName]

I understand what you mean. However, when it's said on here, it is one person's opinion of some other person. That other person is apparently actively seeking not to be single, so the phrase, "no wonder he's still single" refers to this one specific situation, which is being relayed by someone who will probably skew it so everyone agrees he's creepy/overbearing/whatthefuckever. It does not mean people think that being single is inherently bad.

If you are worried about people saying "no wonder she's divorced", "I see why she doesn't have a better job", or "pretty clear why that bitch is still single" - stop. Who fucking cares?! Are you living your life true to yourself, and making self-aware decisions as you face whatever life throws at you, all on your own? Yeah, you are. So what do you care what some asshole thinks about it?

If someone says to me "how are you still single?", I will shrug, and say "hey, I'm happy." Because that's what I say to the people who act concerned about my divorce. I really could not care less if some people are blaming some of my (easily perceived to be) negative traits for my divorce, or my marriage, or whatever. They are probably saying all kinds of other shit about me, and everyone else they know, because they want to feel superior. Go for it, because I'm probably judging you for something already. lol

[kaneen]

Single at a certain age = bad


...so says society. Ladies, the only way to counteract that is to keep on keeping on with your bad (read: happy) self.

That's my take on this discussion.

[Deleted]

I have probably said it (No wonder he's single)  before in reference to a creeper or something like that.  I never saw it as being offensive if i was already judging the person for being a jerk.  
I will also add that there's nothing wrong with being single, or married or dating or somewhere in between. Relationship status is just a current state of whatever status we are in.  It doesn't make or break us and can change in an instant.  That's my 2 cents.  And I'm sorry if I've ever unknowingly been offensive as it wasn't my intention.