That's a lot to process! It really shakes you up to hear something like that.
We had a friend "mike" leave his wife "Ellen" when they had a 3-day old baby. Swore nothing was going on, but wife suspected he was carrying on with our mutual friend "Jane". Sure enough, 2 months later Jane turned up pregnant. You can't make this stuff up!
Post by MixedBerryJam on Nov 21, 2014 8:51:25 GMT -5
My headshaking friends are mostly money-related. One friend dug into (and nearly cleaned out) her kids' college fund for an in-ground pool. Another couple sold their house and put the proceeds in their checking account. Their CHECKING ACCOUNT! They were all "We're only leaving it here until we know what to do with it" and they didn't actually spend it, but it sat there for nearly 6 years not growing.
Post by tacosforlife on Nov 21, 2014 8:56:19 GMT -5
At my party on Saturday, my married next door neighbor hit on two of my friends. One got subtler treatment, but as he got drunker, he got more obvious. By the end of the party, we were basically pushing him out the door because it was so uncomfortable. H and I feel so awkward now.
Yes, two of my friends ended up having affairs. When one came out with what was going on, I was completely shocked and had had no clue. I knew she was having marital problems, because she would tell me about them and I would try to support her, give her a little advice when she asked, etc. Then it turned out she'd been having an affair for the last 4 months or so.
The other friend didn't ever sleep with the other guy, but apparently did other things - I don't know details. I started to see that one coming because we email a lot and she kept mentioning said guy, and finally I called her out on it and she told me.
But in both cases - never ever would have thought either of them would do such a thing.
Not an affair, but still shocking friend behavior:
I worked for a nonprofit for years-- there were 2 chapters covering our state, and I became friendly with the Executive Director of the other chapter, because we worked closely together on an ongoing initiative. He was considered a rising star, became the Exec Director when he was still in his 20s. He was the nicest guy, so dedicated to the cause, really believed strongly in our mission, very intelligent, worked hard, etc.
So I thought.
One day he was abruptly fired. Only vague reasons were provided at the time.
A few months later, he was arrested for embezzling from the organization.
I was so, so upset. This was probably 4 years ago and I am STILL shocked. I just can't reconcile the embezzling with the person I knew as my friend. Obviously, we are no longer friendly.
tacom so your evil SM is your old cheerleading coach? Yikes. And screw lying for her. She sounds like a real peach.
Yes. She was a cheer coach and he a football coach for our local youth league. They started off as "best friends" and league meetings turned into boozy nights out. I first became concerned when, at the age of 14, I went out of town and shared a hotel room with my coaches for a competition. Now SM talked about what a GREAT FRIEND my dad was all night and incessantly asked me questions about my family. The next day, she "jokingly" asked me if I've ever wanted a step mom.
I called my dad out that weekend once I was alone with my parents. My mom burst into tears and I was told to never mention SM's name again in front of my mother. My dad confessed to me (not the other kids) and called his parents, my mom's parents, and our aunts/uncles. he wanted to work on it for the kids. My parents started counseling and my mom gave him an ultimatum - he had to cut off all contact with SM and the youth league. He said no, and, well, here we are.
I went a full year of my life not talking to him because I could not reconcile his life choices with the person I thought he was. I still have a lot of conflicting feelings about him, which comes up often in therapy lol.
My sorority lil sis was married and had a 4 year-old. The marriage was wrong from the start but she wouldn't listen. He was jerk, got bad in to drugs, couldn't keep a job etc.
I guessed she was having an affair and she was, with a married co-worker. All in one day they drove to her parents house, an hour away, and told them they were each divorcing their spouses and getting married. They each told their spouses that day and then - the icing on the cake..... she introduced him to her 4 year-old (our god-daughter) and told her this was her new daddy and to call him that.
Now - that's about 20 years ago and they are still together but I honestly have no respect for either of them. Especially introducing a guy to a 4 year-old, telling her you are marrying him and she is to call him Daddy.
Another situation, married couple that have been close friends. He tells me he is having an affair with the woman across the street from their home. The best part? My son was dating that woman's daughter. nice. I never said a word, the other woman dumped him and my friends are still together but we almost never see them. Maybe once a year. Was I wrong not to tell my friend, maybe. I really, really struggled over that. I chose not to do his dirty work because it would have been me she hated and they are still together.
I tried to support her in an "I love you, but I don't agree with your choices" way, but she would get really angry if I ever called her on her shit. I couldn't passively condone her actions with silence so I bailed. sometimes I still feel bad that I just walked away from our friendship, but I don't know what I would have done differently. the whole year-ish this was going on was so surreal. h and I kept asking, "is she for real? is this actually happening?" every piece of the story just made it more bizarre.
I can relate. A former close friend of mine left her H out of the blue, swore that I knew she'd been contemplating divorce for over a year (umm no, I think I would have remembered her telling me that) and started acting like she was back in college in terms of partying and guys. I rode it out for a while thinking it was a phase, but it seems to just be her new personality.
I no longer feel bad about my actions since I know I tried to be a good friend to her. It just became clear that my definition of friendship which involves talking about feelings and hard stuff was very different from hers which means having a wingman with whom to get wasted and flirt with boys on a Tuesday.
Many years ago I worked in a small organization. The woman I shared an office with and I become great friends. Her husband worked in another office. I knew he cheated on her all the time, but she kept saying they were staying together for the kids. Then one day I find out she's been having an affair with our delivery driver. Friend and the delivery driver both got fired, her husband continued to work for the company. Crazy awkward and it shocked me that she would cheat. I never saw that coming. Friend and her husband stayed married for another 5 years or so, had another kid and are now divorced. Former friend and my exH seem to be friends these days (I snoop FB sometimes). Her exH has contacted me on a dating site, nope! A million times nope!
Yes. My BFF has been having an affair with a professor she had in college. It's been going on for at least three years now. I was shocked when I first found out, but at this point she technically just has an open marriage. She and her husband never have sex, she's flat out asked him what he thinks she's doing since they're not having sex (she's much higher libido than him...he only wants to have sex when they're actively TTC) and he said she's probably having an affair. She asked him if that would upset him and he said "No, just don't tell me." They're very nice to each other, there's no fighting or animosity, they're just terribly matched for marriage.
I couldn't get myself worked up over an open marriage. While it's something I would not do, I can understand where it would work for some people. I think it's much better than sneaking around. The real damage of an affair is the lying and mistrust. If people are okay with the open marriage, then I see it differently.
Divorced in spirit? Oh lord. Yeah, I would have bailed too.
What does divorced in spirit even mean? I'm divorced. I was either divorced or I wasn't.
exactly this is around the point where i just bailed. we were so far removed from logic and she was grasping at (really, really weak) straws trying to justify her actions. i couldn't say anything right, she was always angry at me, i was just done.
omfg tacom. Seriously? What awful behavior on both their parts. I'm sorry you've dealt with so much at such a young age, but thank goodness you seemed to have a good head on your shoulders from early on!
Post by hopenotlost on Nov 21, 2014 13:16:21 GMT -5
Not a friend, but my cousin, who has 5 kids of her own and was in a long term relationship with a guy with 1 kid, had a fake facebook account under a different name, and had been in a relationship for like two years with another guy. The other guy didn't know she had kids or anything. Everything my cousin told him was a huge lie. She told him the truth a few months ago, and of course he freaked out and left. Now she posts all this crap on facebook about how wrong she was, that he was the best thing in her life, blah blah blah. Not sure he is even friends with her on facebook or not, but it takes everything in me not to call her out on her stupidity.
It still stuns the family that BIL abandoned his daughter when it was found out she isn't biologically his. I know he was hurt, but 14 years of raising a child should mean something.
I used to think he was possibly in an emotionally abusive relationship b/c his wife is a C U Next Tuesday to the max, but now I think he really thinks what he's doing is ok.
We all miss her so much, but even though we reach out, he's made her so scared to come to any family events b/c of the way he and his wife have acted.
I do wonder how he goes to church every week. I'm not religious but I would think they wouldn't think child abandonment and marriage ultimatums appropriate, yes?
Yes. My BFF has been having an affair with a professor she had in college. It's been going on for at least three years now. I was shocked when I first found out, but at this point she technically just has an open marriage. She and her husband never have sex, she's flat out asked him what he thinks she's doing since they're not having sex (she's much higher libido than him...he only wants to have sex when they're actively TTC) and he said she's probably having an affair. She asked him if that would upset him and he said "No, just don't tell me." They're very nice to each other, there's no fighting or animosity, they're just terribly matched for marriage.
I couldn't get myself worked up over an open marriage. While it's something I would not do, I can understand where it would work for some people. I think it's much better than sneaking around. The real damage of an affair is the lying and mistrust. If people are okay with the open marriage, then I see it differently.
I say technically because they've never actually discussed it. She's hinted around about the other man but has never flat out told her H about him.
I've occasionally been shocked by the action, but I can't think of a time when I was shocked that John/Jane Doe was the person who did it. Know what I mean?
Post by wanderlustmom on Nov 21, 2014 15:07:10 GMT -5
One of my best high school girlfriends cheated on her husband years ago. Ostensibly, he doesn't know. I always worry that I will accidentally get drunk and spill the details to him at a dinner party. So I stop at two drinks. Their marriage is much happier now but she is worried he'd leave if he knew.
I'm trying to remember the juicy ones. This was in college but it was so strange.
Old high school friend (OHSF) went to the same far away college as another girl from our high school (AG). They had friends in common but themselves weren't super close. Saw each other on campus occasionally. AG went abroad for a semester. When she comes back she runs into OHSF and makes plans to meet up for coffee and chat. At said chat AG tells OHSF that she came out as gay while abroad and OHSF got the feeling she was hitting on her. They walk back to OHSF's dorm and run into OHSF's boyfriend (now husband). The three talk maybe for 5ish minutes. Later that week AG finds OHSF's boyfriend's number in the campus directory and calls him to ask him out, talking about how she felt a connection, etc. Apparently she didn't take a polite no the first several times either.
#1: Childhood friend who was married to the guy she dated for 7 years. They divorced within a year of the wedding and she started dating his brother. She had a child with said brother and is also engaged to him. OMG I am still cringing at her story. She swears the brother had nothing to do with the divorce since her exH was a verbally abusive ass and I believe her. But still man.
#2. My friend whom I first met at work ten years ago seemed to be one of the most conservative, non-crazy types out there. Her DH is one of the most successful, truly self-made traders I've personally known. He's made millions since he graduated college. She was a SAHM for 4 years before she lost her shit and went and got pregnant by her TENNIS INSTRUCTOR. Talk about a cliche! The tennis instructor was also married with 2 kids of his own and decided to "work it out" with his wife instead of my friend. My friend is now in the process of a divorce. Somehow, her soon to be exH actually said he will claim her child with the tennis instructor as his own since he felt bad that the kid's dad does nothing for him. WHUUUUT.
Is he actually doing this willingly? I know in a late of states if a woman gets pregnant while married the husband is presumed to be the father. I have actually heard of cases where even after a DNA test proving husband is not the father he is still legally responsible for the child (not fair but apparently is happens) maybe he HAS to legally take care of that child and he is just trying to make himself look like a saint by 'willingly' claiming it as his own?
When my grandfather was alive, he used to talk about the "key club" in the small town where I grew up. Basically, most of the business owners/ physicians/ lawyers/ etc in town had an agreement to "exchange keys" to each others houses and would sleep with each others wives. He cites his appall at the situation and refusal to be involved as the main reason he and my grandma had a limited group of friends in town. I knew most of these men growing up (most are now deceased). My mind was blown when he first told me. (And it was a fairly awkward conversation to have with my grandfather as a teenager.)
My BFF and I essentially don't speak anymore because I don't think she thought I was supportive enough of her during this: She would tell me all the time about guys she had crushes on--but then she started spending a lot of time with an older couple from her church. It was to be close to their married son without being too obvious. Then they started working together and shortly after they started driving to parks and country roads together just to "sit and talk." She ended up moving out of her house/left the kids with her H and essentially waited to see if he was going to leave his wife. He didn't. Shortly before her apt lease was up, she 'reconciled' with her H. Now she's VERY over the top about how she's married to her soul mate.
@shoegal, along this line, how is your SIL "Jen" doing?
I need to give a bigger update but she is doing so well BC she is being very strong....taking off now but will be back. Brad giving in to all requests so far.
Post by thatgirl2478 on Nov 21, 2014 17:44:57 GMT -5
yep, a friend couple divorced because the wife was having a same sex affair with a co worker. when that relationship failed, they got remarried (after a lot of counseling)...
Just to add another story... About 10 years ago, a big group of friends (5 or 6 couples) rented a vacation house. I walked out to the hottub about 1am and found Mrs A and Mr. B doing things in the hottub that (a) shouldn't be done in a communal hottub and (b) should only be doing to their respective spouses. Mrs A, Mrs.B, and I were BFFs. Well, minus the last F, because Mrs B and I have not spoken to Mrs A since that night. FWIW everyone is doing much better with their second spouse. Except Mr. B, I have no idea what happened to him.