Changing Christmas traditions

[kayakjenn]

I need advice about what to do this year for Christmas eve. 

For years my immediate family (my parents, sister/BIL) and I got together Christmas eve to exchange gifts and have sandwiches/antipasto at my sister's house, which is less than a 15 minute drive for all of us. (Christmas day/dinner is with extended family at my house, big dinner/dessert- no gifts.) When my niece was born we decided that the adults wouldn't do gifts and we would make the gifts all about my niece. There was excitement and it felt like a really special night, our time to be together as just "us."

Four years ago, BIL passed away and Christmas became a really difficult time for my sister. We continued to get together because my niece was only 7 and we wanted to keep the Christmas magic going for her. But now she's 11 and is more like a teenager- the last thing she wants to do is spend time with her Grandparents and Aunt, gifts for her are $$ and gift cards. My sister is sad and hates Christmas, my parents are moody and concerned about the cost of all the food (we are all financially stressed.) We will all be together the next day, plus the addition of DH, an elderly uncle and my MIL/FIL. 

I am seriously considering asking everyone to cancel Christmas Eve. There would be nothing for my sister to prepare for, no food for us all to buy and everyone gets to stay in their own houses and relax. My parents will have each other and my sister isn't happy no matter what she's doing, but I just don't know what if the right thing is to leave her alone. There is nothing special about Christmas for anyone, I just don't think anyone else wants to be the one to pull the plug. 

Any thoughts? 

[flamingeaux]

I would see how your sister felt about it, before approaching anyone else. Even if she doesn't show it, she may feel better being around family for the holidays. If she's open to it, then I would talk to everyone else.

[katb]

That's really tough. I am sorry your family and your Sister is has to go through this. Even though your niece is 11 and seems to be a teenager, sometimes family gatherings need to happen. I would still do it. Perhaps you can suggest toning it down to a cookie/cocoa type party. No need for food, schedule it for a little later and have it last a few hours. I can understand what you are saying that no one seems happy - but I think just the actual elimination of a tradition would hurt worse. Traditions and people can offer some comfort or maybe even just a few hours for your sister to not have to think about her husband and missing him.

[hopecounts]

talk to your sister first but don't discount that for all her preteeness your niece enjoys Christmas Eve.
She is still a kid and while it might be 'uncool' to admit it I suspect having this tradition is a part of the holidays for her and having it cut off could unintentionally upset/hurt her.

[rosiebear]

I agree with the others, but I also think you can scale it back to cookies and cocoa if food expenses are an issue. Or an appetizer potluck, maybe.

Your niece may seem to roll her eyes at spending time with her relatives, but I'm pretty sure she will treasure these memories later. Besides, it's not like she could hang with her friends those days instead (unless her friends don't celebrate Christmas).

[motzie]

I would still try to get together. Maybe cookies and a board game?

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Traditions are important, but the main idea is to spend time together. You don't need expensive food. Order some Chinese or pizza. Watch a Christmas movie. Play a board game. Small gifts are just as nice as $$ ones. I wouldn't cancel seeing everyone, but I might change traditional activities.

[janegold]

11 is still quite young. It's not like she will be hanging out with friends on Christmas Eve instead - they will probably all be doing things with their families. I personally would be sad to miss a Christmas tradition, especially as a child, but I think you should see how your sister feels.

[RoxMonster]

I agree with scaling it back. Do some cookies/dessert items and hot cocoa. Play board games. Maybe set a (small) spending limit on gifts so no one feels like they have to compete with anyone else or go overboard.

I think canceling this tradition might bring more sad feelings and hardship than continuing with it.

[Monica Geller]

As a teacher of middle school students, they put on tough faces, but they (all of them) desperately want family and traditions. It doesn't have to be the same tradition, just don't mistake her surly attitude as rejection of family.

Also, if she's dealing with a super-moody/depressed mother, this is affecting her more than anyone realizes.

I'm sorry, if I'm misunderstanding your post, but I get too many "journal entries", notes, and "lunch time confessions" from my students who struggle with understanding family dynamics to take their surly attitudes seriously.

Scale your celebration back, change it up to your house perhaps, but I wouldn't cancel.

[kayakjenn]

Nov 23, 2014 11:13:41 GMT -5 Monica Geller said:

As a teacher of middle school students, they put on tough faces, but they (all of them) desperately want family and traditions. It doesn't have to be the same tradition, just don't mistake her surly attitude as rejection of family.

Also, if she's dealing with a super-moody/depressed mother, this is affecting her more than anyone realizes.

I'm sorry, if I'm misunderstanding your post, but I get too many "journal entries", notes, and "lunch time confessions" from my students who struggle with understanding family dynamics to take their surly attitudes seriously.

Scale your celebration back, change it up to your house perhaps, but I wouldn't cancel.

Thank you all for your advice, this help from Monica Geller is very important to me! I need insight about my niece because she is so uncommunicative and I do feel she's suffering and I don't know what she needs.

I will put my own frustrations regarding everyone's bad moods and attitudes aside for the sake of maintaining some traditions and family contact. I especially like the idea of ordering chinese food and maybe playing cards or a board game (we need to be careful because my niece still has "sore loser" issues that have the potential to turn the evening sour really quick.) i'm happy to have it at my house but I think my sister feels put out at having to leave her house 2 days in a row but I'll throw it out there. There are no gifts for the adults, just my niece.

My sister is already posting about negative holiday feelings on FB so I think my reaction is to just stay away when in fact that's probably the opposite of what I should do.

[hopecounts]

you could do a christmas movie marathon, dvr them in the weeks leading up to Christmas Eve or borrow from libraray or friends.
you can get a pizza and sodas and just hang out for the evenning.

[pantsparty]

Nov 23, 2014 10:59:40 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Traditions are important, but the main idea is to spend time together. You don't need expensive food. Order some Chinese or pizza. Watch a Christmas movie. Play a board game. Small gifts are just as nice as $$ ones. I wouldn't cancel seeing everyone, but I might change traditional activities.

I 100% agree with this. Pizza could be great actually; maybe you guys will start a new Christmas Eve tradition!

[elleblue]

Nov 23, 2014 14:09:43 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Nov 23, 2014 10:59:40 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Traditions are important, but the main idea is to spend time together. You don't need expensive food. Order some Chinese or pizza. Watch a Christmas movie. Play a board game. Small gifts are just as nice as $$ ones. I wouldn't cancel seeing everyone, but I might change traditional activities.

I 100% agree with this. Pizza could be great actually; maybe you guys will start a new Christmas Eve tradition!

Take the pizza to the movies! 

heh