Word vomit, family drama

[chickens987]

PDQ, will DD at some point. I also don't want my H memorialized as I present him here, but I really need an outlet.

If you've been reading my posts the last few days, nothing is particularly great in the chickens house right now. Short version:

Basically my mom was pretty shitty to H last week. She decided to deliver some "constructive criticism" to him in a totally inappropriate manner and at a terrible time. The criticism has to do with how he interacts with our nephew - he's very overprotective of DD and sometimes his tone towards DN (though he loves him) can be harsh and he definitely puts DD first in their interactions. I know H prides himself on being a great uncle and that really broke his heart. Now he's convinced my sister and BIL hate him and don't want him around and he's close to cutting my family off totally.

He's asked for time, which I understand, but every day that passes that he trashes my family without actually listening to their apologies breaks my heart and I am constantly being accused of taking their side when in fact they angered me more than him, but I explained to them why and accepted their apologies. (We discussed that I would still take DD to thanksgiving dinner yet when I came home he accused me of siding with them and not caring about his feelings). I do not think in any way that they hate H or want him out of our lives (which is what he seems to think) so I cannot cut them off for this.

To top it off, DD is in a major daddy phase right now, so if he's in the house, all I get is "no mummy!" I can't do anything for her - not even fill her cup or serve her food. So basically I feel like shit all around. I am crying into my vodka while he puts DD to bed, and I guess I just need some hugs.

[kangaroo11]

Aww I'll give you hugs!!!

[gogadgetgo]

So many hugs. I hope you guys can have a rational talk about everything. Would it help if your mom/family wrote a written explanation so he could process things on his own time?

[hermione]

Hugs. That's hard.

I wish I had some advice but I have no idea what I'd do in this situation. I'm sorry.

[chickens987]

Nov 28, 2014 19:25:47 GMT -5 gogadgetgo said:

So many hugs. I hope you guys can have a rational talk about everything. Would it help if your mom/family wrote a written explanation so he could process things on his own time?

I wish. That's what I do when we have arguments. Unfortunately, my dad emailed him Tuesday and he refused to read it. He's being extremely stubborn (and immature, IMO).

He likes to throw at me "I only see my family once a year!" which he doesn't understand is utter bullshit. Not the same situation at all.

[osulori]

Oh honey I'm sorry. I don't know what I'd do, so all I've got is virtual hugs.

[aspentosh]

Lots and lots of hugs.

[rootbeerfloat]

Hugs, chickens.

[zeewifeandmama]

Big time hugs! That's a tough spot

[browneyedgirl9]

Lots of hugs, sorry your in such a tough spot.

[sjh722]

I'm sorry.

(((hugs)))

[chickens987]

Nov 28, 2014 19:36:32 GMT -5 @marshmallows said:

Oh, I'm so sorry. And know that while I don't think your H is handling this the best way, I don't judge him. I can be really sensitive too, and I imagine being so far from his family makes him feel more vulnerable around yours. Hugs.

Thanks for that. I've been trying to get across that I don't judge him for how he's reacting - I know he's really hurt. And I've told my family the same thing. I just selfishly feel kind of like if he really cared about me he wouldn't prolong this like he is.

[mellymel]

I'm sorry

I'm hoping some time will help mend this. Not too much time, but maybe more than a few days.

[gogadgetgo]

sorry.

[rikki]

I am so sorry. Family drama is the worst. Thinking of you.

[water*drop]

I'm sorry. Family drama is so hard.

[zarapipe]

I'm so sorry you are being put in the middle. My dh is stubborn as hell too and the only thing that helps is time. I hope he can get over it soon and the drama settles down.

[oliviapope]

That stinks! Honestly though I would go to counseling (or at least him alone) because it sounds like he needs a few conflict resolution skills. It sounds like it was hurtful, and he is allowed to be angry and upset. However, picking fights with you is not helping the situation!

Also, it seems like the reason this whole thing started was because he was having difficulty resolving whatever conflict there was between the kids. So unfortunately if he moves on from this, but doesn't learn new skills then it will just continue down the line.

[chickens987]

Thanks all for the hugs. oliviapope, I totally agree. I "therapized" him tonight and explained how he reacts to situations and he was like "yeah, totally". We may be headed there but I think I will raise it at a less fraught time.

To everyone else, I am drunk now but we did talk and I think we are in a better place. I still think he needs some time which I am ok with as log as he doesn't try to drag me down with him in the meantime.

Unfortunately/fortunately I am traveling for work again m/t of next week. Hopefully we are on ok terms by then.

[pippa]

Hugs, chickens987. I hope that things continue to get better this week!

[yellowbrkrd]

I'm sorry. Family drama sucks.

[carolinagirl831]

I'm sorry, that sucks esp around a holiday and your birthday hope things turn around soon

[kershnic]

That totally sucks, I'm sorry. I hope things look up for you soon.

It sounds like some deeper feelings about being far from his family or possibly past interactions with your family might be surfacing for him.

Also, it sounds like you're handling this well. Honestly if my wife ever suggested we cut my family off for something short of say a major criminal act or purposefully endangering our children I'd be pissed.

[ladygrey]

I'm so sorry. Family drama sucks so much.

[bunch]

I'm so sorry, that sounds really rough.

[heygrey]

hugs. i don't know what i would do. i'd be angry at both sides.

have you sister/bil said anything in the midst of this or is it just coming from your parents?

[BAMFMrsB]

Nov 28, 2014 20:11:41 GMT -5 oliviapope said:

That stinks! Honestly though I would go to counseling (or at least him alone) because it sounds like he needs a few conflict resolution skills. It sounds like it was hurtful, and he is allowed to be angry and upset. However, picking fights with you is not helping the situation!

Also, it seems like the reason this whole thing started was because he was having difficulty resolving whatever conflict there was between the kids. So unfortunately if he moves on from this, but doesn't learn new skills then it will just continue down the line.

Agreed. OP's DH obviously feels guilty at getting 'caught' being preferential to his DD. And I get it. I have to watch myself around DNe + DS' interactions to make sure I'm not just being DS' mom but fair to DNe as well, because sometimes DS does pull a crappy move - like tonight when he kept stealing a toy from DNe, but the point of DS' game was to play chase and DNe just wanted his toy back DAMMIT!

 

[chickens987]

Nov 28, 2014 22:03:21 GMT -5 kershnic said:

That totally sucks, I'm sorry. I hope things look up for you soon.

It sounds like some deeper feelings about being far from his family or possibly past interactions with your family might be surfacing for him.

Absolutely. I know you can't live in a vacuum, but this is what I was telling him yesterday - that he holds onto things and whips them out at any perceived injustice. Even if it's a one-time situation. And I don't think that's really healthy because then you don't allow yourself to let go of things.

Nov 28, 2014 22:26:53 GMT -5 heygrey said:

hugs. i don't know what i would do. i'd be angry at both sides.

have you sister/bil said anything in the midst of this or is it just coming from your parents?

Not a word. Well, I spoke to my sister about it, and she said my BIL wanted to reach out but he didn't have H's email (?). I don't blame them for staying away, since when my parents made an approach they were ignored. He may be ready now though...

Nov 28, 2014 23:01:39 GMT -5 BAMFMrsB said:

Nov 28, 2014 20:11:41 GMT -5 oliviapope said:

Agreed. OP's DH obviously feels guilty at getting 'caught' being preferential to his DD. And I get it. I have to watch myself around DNe + DS' interactions to make sure I'm not just being DS' mom but fair to DNe as well, because sometimes DS does pull a crappy move - like tonight when he kept stealing a toy from DNe, but the point of DS' game was to play chase and DNe just wanted his toy back DAMMIT!

 

Yeah, I see that. And the thing is there may have been one or 2 interactions that led to these "accusations", but H builds it up in his head like they think he's like this all the time or that every interaction is negative, when that's just not the case. They were addressing one or 2 specific interactions (one of which was taken entirely out of context, because DN HAD been aggressive with DD, but no one but H saw).

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

That being said, maybe I'm missing something, but if you acknowledged your mom was out of line in how she confronted your H, why would you ditch him on Thanksgiving to be with her? I would feel very betrayed if it were me.

I don't mean to be harsh but my H comes before my family of origin. I think that's how it should be.

[chickens987]

Nov 29, 2014 13:19:52 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

I'm sorry you're going through this.

That being said, maybe I'm missing something, but if you acknowledged your mom was out of line in how she confronted your H, why would you ditch him on Thanksgiving to be with her? I would feel very betrayed if it were me.

I don't mean to be harsh but my H comes before my family of origin. I think that's how it should be.

Because I addressed it with her, explained why/how she was out of line and she acknowledged that she was in the wrong. The next night she came over to address the issue in person with H, but he refused to speak to her. I was satisfied with her apology to me and her attempt to him. I don't think it's fair to assume we'd have the same timeline for forgiveness. In addition, I don't think the content of what she said was terrible or mean-spirited. But H's worst trait, hands down, is his ability to hear things but not listen (iykwim) and he automatically took what she said to mean he's an awful person who shouldn't be around children. I know that's not what she meant at all.