Updated: Woah, more MMM family drama

[glitzy07]

Here I was hoping that this holiday weekend would pass without it. PDQ.

H just got a text message from his mom that basically said, "Fuck you. Don't call me or ever come to my house again."

We no longer let her babysit the boys at night, and have never let her take C overnight (despite her incessant requests to do so since he was like 3 weeks old). Last time she watched the C while H and I went to a concert, we came home three hours later to four empty beer cans on the counter. Then H found six more hidden in the garage trash. She was too drunk to drive home, obviously, but tried to tell us it was late and that's why she wanted to stay overnight.

We haven't had a ton of contact with her since, but not on purpose, but rather that there hasn't been any reaching out either way. Except for babysitting, we always use my mom or sister now, that's purposefully.

A while back, H confided in his stepdad why we didn't feel comfortable with her taking the boys overnight, since she keeps asking. After the text tonight H finally got a hold of SFIL since MIL wouldn't answer his calls. Apparently something came up tonight and SFIL told MIL. Hence the text message (well that, and she's been drinking).

H is so pissed right now, but also doesn't know what to do. His mom struggles with depression, but drinks excessively while on her ADs and won't listen when people tell her that's probably not a great idea. Often H can tell when her meds are off based on the way she's acting. No clue if this is a factor.

Complete word vomit. Mostly I'm just trying to figure out how to support H with whatever the eff this situation turns into. Sigh.

ETA: She really is a fantastic grandma when she's sober. She loves the boys and is great with them. We have/had no intention of cutting them off, but just won't leave the kids alone with her if she's drinking and SFIL isn't there.

Update: I talked to H yesterday while we were on a long drive about what he was going to do.  He's planning to try to have a conversation with his mom one of these times (while she's sober) to explain his side better than I'm sure FIL explained it.  That said, he's apparently going to let her cool off and see if she reaches out to him.  I'm not sure if that's the best thing, but I'm letting him take the lead.  He really does have a pretty level head about the entire situation, which sort of surprises me given his normal demeanor when he gets "called out" about something.  I also talked to him about Al Anon and if he'd ever be willing to go.  Apparently he has gone in the past (his dad is also a recovering alcoholic), but didn't find it helpful and a little too "churchy" for his liking.  I asked if he'd ever be willing to talk to a therapist who specializes in this kind of thing, if either of us ever feel it's warranted, and he said he would be open to it.  Thank you all for your kind words the other night when this first happened.  It means a lot to me.   (heart)

[Deleted]

Al-anon.

I suspect they see an influx this time of year.

[osulori]

Shit. I'm sorry

[aspentosh]

Al-Anon seems like step one. Not sure how that'll go over.

Hugs glitzy

[sjh722]

I'm sorry. ((hugs))

[gogadgetgo]

Hugs. I'm so sorry

[Deleted]

If he won't go, go yourself. Or go with him if you can. It's just textbook bullshit. I'm sorry.

[spk926]

Aww I'm sorry. I think Al-Anon is a great suggestion.

[glitzy07]

Nov 28, 2014 20:20:40 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

If he won't go, go yourself. Or go with him if you can. It's just textbook bullshit. I'm sorry.

I'm not sure if he would go. I'll have to ask. We both have family that struggles with alcoholism (my dad is also an alcoholic), but as far as I know he's never been to Al Anon before. Neither have I. I'll look into it.

[brooklyn]

Big hugs. So sorry you're dealing with this.

[arch01]

I'd start with Al-Anon or a therapist who specializes in addiction and families. I haven't found Al-Anon overly helpful so far.

You cannot fix her. Stand firm. What does his stepdad say about everything? Does he agree that there is an issue or is he part of the problem as well?

[thejen626]

I'm so sorry.

My younger BIL got very into heroin a few years ago. Al-Anon really saved the family during a hard time. (And he's now been sober for over 2 years!)

[chickens987]

Nothing but hugs from me tonight glitzy.

[bowies]

Big hugs, that's rough. And YES to Al-Anon!

[pippa]

Whoa. Sorry glitzy07. Hugs to you and your H while you deal with this.

[yellowbrkrd]

I'm so sorry. Hugs.

[curbsideprophet]

I'm sorry.

[kangaroo11]

Hugs to you!

[water*drop]

I'm so sorry.

[kershnic]

Al-anon is a great suggestion. How's your H doing with it? Is he good at setting boundaries with her? Your post reads like you have a very level head about this - you're taking appropriate steps to protect your kids with firm rules, yet also working to preserve the good part of the relationship in a way that is safe. As long as your kids are safe and your H's response isn't completely emotionally charged and obviously harmful to anyone, I think you have to let your H take the lead in how he wants to deal with it.

[livinitup]

Well, what does your DH want "to do"? She drinks to excess, so she's not a safe candidate for babysitting. That's just a fact. Her being mad about it, is just her being mad.

What is your DH hoping to do next?

[browneyedgirl9]

I'm so sorry. Hugs

[stacyb1983]

I'll second the Al-Anon recommendation.

[jene]

I'm so sorry.

[hermione]

Hugs. I'm sorry.

[ladygrey]

I'm so sorry glitzy. Hugs.

[laurenh]

Hugs, I'm so sorry.

[imojoebunny]

So, your MIL is upset you don't want to leave her alone with someone who drank 10 beers while babysitting? My guess is she has had 15 or 20 beers before deciding that she never wants to interact with her son again. She may well not even remember it all tomorrow.

You can't argue crazy. I am sorry for your DH, but taking a hard line may well help the family, including his mother, much more effectively than pandering to her. I dated a guy for a year who when I finally met his parents, would let his mother drive us when we went out knowing full well that she had had 10 plus drinks. I broke up with him the next week. You can love your parent, and set limits to what you will put up with as an adult.

I am sorry you are all having this struggle.

[glitzy07]

Nov 28, 2014 20:27:45 GMT -5 arch01 said:

I'd start with Al-Anon or a therapist who specializes in addiction and families. I haven't found Al-Anon overly helpful so far.

You cannot fix her. Stand firm. What does his stepdad say about everything? Does he agree that there is an issue or is he part of the problem as well?

As far as I know, he also agrees that she has a problem. Their relationship isn't great though and I don't know how well they communicate.

[glitzy07]

Nov 28, 2014 21:00:40 GMT -5 kershnic said:

Al-anon is a great suggestion. How's your H doing with it? Is he good at setting boundaries with her? Your post reads like you have a very level head about this - you're taking appropriate steps to protect your kids with firm rules, yet also working to preserve the good part of the relationship in a way that is safe. As long as your kids are safe and your H's response isn't completely emotionally charged and obviously harmful to anyone, I think you have to let your H take the lead in how he wants to deal with it.

I think H is just incredibly frustrated. He was always very close with his mom, but their relationship has changed a lot in the past few years because of her behavior and her drinking. At this point he is the one setting the boundaries based on our mutual feelings, and I think it's good. I'm not sure what else he'll want to do after this, or just see if it blows over.