how to trust new babysitters

[mrsjrd23]

We went through care.com and required applicants to our ad to have a background check on file and provide references. We ended up with 2 fabulous education majors from the university down the street from us and they have been fantastic. We had them come meet DS for an "interview" to see how they interacted then did a trial date night for a short time. Been using both now for over a year.

We've also used people through referrals of other mom friends.

[CloudBee]

Our sitter is a high school girl from church who occasionally helps out in the nursery. That sold my DH.

Can you think of who's already a familiar face in that sense?

[Deleted]

We met her and her mom in advance for a few minutes and did an "interview". She was 14 and going into a stranger's house, so it was important to have some trust on both sides.

He just never plans to go out?

[lolo]

I went to an UrbanSitter meet and greet and then read reviews of the two sitters I liked the most. Based on that, I booked one and we did a short date while my neighbor was home and keeping an eye out. She's been our sitter for almost a year now, 1-2x/month. We love her and so does J.

[heygrey]

church. thankfully h has been the youth pastor for 4 years now so we've had lots of time to decide who we'd trust with our kid.

that said, there are several teenage girls who would LOVE to babysit R. there is exactly one that we trust. just because they have the clearance to work in the church nursery doesn't mean i am willing to let them watch my kid.


do you have family local that can watch your baby? if that's an option, i'd go with that for now just to appease your husband. if you're like us and your closest family is a days drive away, i would seriously push him to find a suitable babysitter now. we started by just going out after R was asleep, but those few hours without a baby in tow were great for our relationship.

[heygrey]

Nov 30, 2014 0:07:56 GMT -5 jjwritergirl said:

I know of plenty of ways to meet sitters (church, care.com, neighborhood list serve, etc) but he isn't okay with any of them, even with references and experience. He thinks going out twice a year when my parents are around is ok. I just wonder how he can be convinced... Probably not something a message board can help with. Lol.

i'd have an honest conversation that he needs to respect you and your desire to have a date night more than twice a year. you're willing to work with him in whatever way he needs to be comfortable with a babysitter, but given that you don't live near family he needs to compromise too. this is vitally important to your relationship and you're willing to fight for it.

would he be more amicable to an adult? i babysat my friends kids frequently before i had a baby of my own to put to bed. or could you have a teenager come over and hang out while you're home so s/he can get familiar with your routine/give your husband a chance to see how she interacts with your baby?

and i would remind him that we only hear about plane crashes in the news, never the thousands of flights that take off and land without incident everyday.

[mlt]

We check her references and meet with her. Maybe interview two or three people and let him choose? When he is comparing people one person may seem more trustworthy than others.

[speckledfrog]

Try a lunch date. Things seem less scary when it's daytime. Maybe get a nanycam. I don't like them, I don't know that I'd sit for a family that had one, but I'm sure there are sitters who will and it may give him some peace of mind.

[irishbride2]

Can you have someone start by sitting while you both are home? It would be like a trial run but you can also use it to get things done. Then he can get comfortable with him/her?

[rupertpenny]

I'd just go do fun stuff without him. "Bye H, I'm going out with the girls!" "I hope you can handle dinner and bedtime tonight, I'll be at happy hour!" "Hope you have fun with the baby tonight, I'll be out seeing Hunger Games and eating a large movie popcorn by myself!"

This might not convince him to trust babysitters, but at least you will get out of the house. If he wants to be a martyr he can do it by himself.

[gibbinator]

Nov 30, 2014 2:48:28 GMT -5 irishbride2 said:

Can you have someone start by sitting while you both are home? It would be like a trial run but you can also use it to get things done. Then he can get comfortable with him/her?

I was going to suggest this as well.

Or maybe you have friends with kids (so he knows and trusts them) that you could swap date nights with?

Any neighbors with teens? That way if they run into problems their parents are a short walk away and again, you know them already.

[pinkpinot]

We have cameras in our house and can view the live stream through our cell phones. For me, it's great to spy every now and then and see everyone is OK and having fun. Mostly I'm worried about my dogs, haha. They're protective of my kid.

[Jalapeñomel]

Go out without him.

[ilikedonuts]

Do you SAH?

[pinkdutchtulips]

Nov 30, 2014 6:55:21 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

Nov 30, 2014 0:07:56 GMT -5 jjwritergirl said:

I know of plenty of ways to meet sitters (church, care.com, neighborhood list serve, etc) but he isn't okay with any of them, even with references and experience. He thinks going out twice a year when my parents are around is ok. I just wonder how he can be convinced... Probably not something a message board can help with. Lol.

Wow. Ok. I imagine the only thing that will convince him is to see how grating it becomes to never go out kid free. 

Having been there, survived that - that won't work either. My xh was SUPER PARANOID about the idea of non family babysitters. We went out minus dd I think 3 times in her 4 years before we separated - 3 date nights and zero overnight trips. Xh was fine w our lack of alone adult time away from dd.

[anna7602]

Personal referrals from friends and moms in my neighborhood. I'll admit that I am pretty chill on this front, though. My disagreements with sitters over the years have had more to do with things like spoiling my kid (buying random crap as presents or letting DD request an entirely different meal than whatever I had left prepared or letting her stay up super late watching movies) or with not cleaning up toys, dishes, etc.  than with being inherently unsafe. So now with DS, I don't worry as much.

i honestly don't get the non-family thing, though. Every sitter I've ever had is CPR-trained, is meticulous about washing hands, doesn't smoke, doesn't have weird ideas about crying being "good for baby's lungs" and a bunch of other stuff that doesn't hold true for many people to whom I am related. A seasoned professional is so much better than someone who raised a kid or two or even three 20 or 30 years ago. 

[Deleted]

Our video monitor is actually a webcam - if you get a foscam or d-link, it's not hidden and you can check in on your phones. The lights change color when it's active, so the sitter would know when you're looking.

[scribellesam]

We met ours through church. She's a professional nanny, ran the church nursery program for several years, is CPR and first aid certified, and just genuinely enjoys spending time with our kids. Frankly she's probably a better parent than I am, it would never cross my mind not to trust her.

[nonsenseabound]

We mostly use family and feel most comfortable doing so, plus it's cheaper. However, we do use babysitters when family is not available. Because it's important for us to have time away from the kids.

Could you start as a compromise to having a babysitter come in and help while the two of you work on a project and then go for a short outing like coffee or shopping run without kids? He could build up some trust in a babysitter and it will be a way to ease into using nonfamily. You'd probably gone less than an hour but with the other time it would be worth it to hire a sitter.

What happens during the work week? Does one of you SAH?

[barefootcontessa]

Honestly, your DH needs to get over it. Yes, you exercise due diligence and ask for referrals and maybe do some trials runs while you are home, but ultimately you cannot protect your child from every possible harm. You can also remind him that your marriage is the primary relationship and it needs to be tended to every now and then. I also agree with Anna about paid caregivers versus family. I much prefer paid caregivers because they respect my wishes.

[miniroller]

Non-mom here, but I just wanted to add this to possibly help bolster your argument:
We had babysitters a lot when we were little (there were 3 of us). My parents were on a weekly volleyball team, took date nights 2-3x/ month, etc. And honestly- I think it really helped us to have outside exposure w/ non-family supervisors. We loved having a fresh creative mind to add to our made up stories/ games. Also, the physical activity of a 14-yr-old was exponentially more useful than the "grown-ups"

My sister & I both babysat tons throughout junior high, & I think that has a lot to do w/ how great our experiences were! Don't get me wrong, of course we got some duds/ only wanted to watch TV, etc. in there. But no big deal; we'd just tell mom we'd prefer someone more active/ involved.

Good luck, OP. I think it's really important for you guys to get some couple time, but also really valuable to expose your kiddos to different experiences. Maybe start w/ a 2-hr-coffee date; something short & close! Also, as a non-mom, I have no idea how you'd limit tech time: both the sitters' & your kids. But hopefully other moms can help you there

Eta: Realized you've got an infant, which does make his nervousness much more understandable! And also wanted to add that I'm sorry my stories don't relate, but promise they will in a couple yrs!!

[jeaniebueller]

Is part of it that you have an infant? I won't lie, I don't usually use non family or friend sitters but it's mostly because of the baby. With my older child, I wouldn't bat an eye. I wonder if your H is just in the whole new parent phase and he will adjust to the idea as your baby gets older.

[Deleted]

For me I think the risk of damage to our relationship if we only got out twice a year is greater than the risk of a sitter harming my kids.

We use personal referrals or a site like care.com with background checks. We go out and have fun. A camera is a good idea if he's super nervous. It also gets easier when they are older and can tell you what happened while you were gone.