I have a friend who I see very rarely. The last time I saw her was May when she was picking up her dog (who we watched for a week). Her DD (4) and my DS (5, almost 6) were off playing. After the fact, I found out that DS took off his pants and underwear in front of her DD and asked her to do so too. She didn't.
Friend told us about this, we talked to DS about it. We've moved on.
WELL- this friend has a tendency that when something "bad" or "embarrassing" happens to her/ her family, she likes to bring it up to you time and time and time and time and time again. An example- 2 summers ago, another friend's dog kind of rushed past this friend and 1/2 knocked her over and also stepped on her foot and scratched it. Now- this dog is kind of a PITA, but at the same time - it's a dog, no harm was done, her foot was fine (and to be clear- this happened to my friend, NOT her DD).
EVERY time she sees this friend, she will somehow bring up how the dog ran into her/ scratched her. It's kind of a "um... o.k., got it. Don't know what you want me to do".
She's done this w/ a few different incidents and to different people. its like she just wants to make you feel bad.
SOOOOO. She was over yesterday. We're talking about something - don't even know what - and she goes "It was like that incident between DS and DD". Seriously- at first I was like "what incident?" because I really almost forgot about it. It's just not on the forefront of my mind. It happened, we dealt with it, we've moved on.
But then when I realized what she meant, I was like "FUCK. So now this is going to the THE THING you bring up to me every fucking time I see you?".
And I later found out that she brought it up numerous times to DH too.
At least w/ me, DS wasn't right there - but he was around. And when it comes down to it - she nEEDS TO LET IT GO. I don't want her bringing it up where he might overhear. He shouldn't have to hear about that and be embarrassed all over again. And again. And again.
I am not a good "in the moment" person so I didn't say anything yesterday. And I'm honestly afraid that if face to face, I'll be overly pissy about it. I'm thinking about sending her an email where I basically say "please don't bring this up again". I don't want to be a bitch about it, though.
Would you send an email over this and if so... any gentle wording you'd suggest?
Have you posted about her before? I just got déjà vu.
The way I handled this with my BFF who did the same thing...I shut her out and tried to distance myself from her for about 6 months over this summer. It finally culminated in a weekend when I saw her at a kid birthday party and then a wedding the next night, and it was SO AWKWARD. She texted me afterwards and I replied "hey are you free for a playdate this week", went to her house, and basically outlined all of the issues I was having with her. We both cried, we hugged a lot, it went way better than I expected. That was about 2 months ago and I'm so glad that I talked to her. She is a great friend to me and her daughter to my daughter, and we all really missed them.
I'd decide if you want to continue the friendship or not, and then go from there.
I've read this story before, I think on ML, right? You got some great advice last time you posted.
Next time she says something say, "Why do you keep bringing it up?" or "Yes, I remember the incident and thought we had discussed it. Why do you keep bringing it up?".
Post by starburst604 on Nov 30, 2014 16:10:40 GMT -5
I have a friend that does this, it drives me nuts! I got a weeeeee bit (ok a LOT) drunk at her wedding. Besides the embarrassment of that, I came pretty close to being date raped that night so overall it's not a night I like to relive. She manages to bring it up alllll the time, when she did it in front of my H when we were dating I was mortified (it happened when I was single). I finally said something to her recently. I kept it light but hopefully got my point across. She's in the midst of a divorce, so last time she mentioned it I said "hey, when your marriage is dissolved can I get you to stop telling that story too? It's really embarrassing". So I vote to say something, but feel like an email might make too much of a thing of it. I think it's better to just nip it in the bud next time she brings it up, politely but firmly.
Post by oliviapope on Nov 30, 2014 16:12:04 GMT -5
I would just wait if she brings it up again (or see her in person) and ask her "why do you feel the need to keep bringing this up? What more would you like me to do to help you resolve this issue?"
She will either answer honestly and you can go from there, or she will drop it.
Yes, I did post about this at the time it happened. And yeah... she's not someone I really like to hang out with, but she's a part of our bigger group.
HOnestly- I'd forgotten about it. That's why I was so shocked last night. But yet not shocked because this is what she does!!
But I do think I'll sit on sending something and just try to be prepared next time. @callmefia I like what you wrote. I need to engrave that in my head so that I can be ready.
This group of girls used to do a girls weekend every summer. I love all the other girls, but I personally kind of backed off on organizing a trip (another friend and I would kind of swap planning it) a few years ago largely because of this girl. I just don't enjoy her company for the most part.
She sounds socially awkward. I think I'd try to tell her as gently as possible that it makes everyone feel really uncomfortable when she does that. "Sue, I'm sure you don't realize this, but when you keep bringing up things from the past, it makes us feel awful over and over and over again. I don't think you realize how much you do this and how much it affects people around you."
Definitely bring it up, if not just for your sake, but you really don't want DS to hear the story over and over and be embarrassed by it. I did something as a kid, around that age (kinda similar but not really), and it was super embarrassing, and my parent's friend really loved to tell the story whenever we saw him. Through my teenage years. At my wedding. Whenever I see this friend of my parent's, I react viscerally and it's very uncomfortable for me. Kids do stupid things, constantly reminding him of it will serve no positive purpose, probably only negative.