It sounds like there are a TON of other issues here and I'm not sure you're articulating them well.
1. he is obsessed with making $, but refuses to help around the house. So basically he isn't valuing the non monetary contributions you're putting into the marriage. 2. You say you're worried he will know what you're doing or people will report back to him; it sounds more like you're worried he will judge the quality of your work and lord it over you. 3. he doesn't think you can get anything else= he doesn't think what you're doing is as valuable as what he's doing.
I would have no problem working with MY dh at HIS job, but I would absolutely have a problem working with YOUR dh at YOUR job if I were you.
Does he generally have an inferiority complex re. his job and your level of education? Does he generally have the attitude that what he does is more important/better than what you're doing or bringing into the marriage.
This is the symptom of much bigger issues IMO
Thank you. That is how I feel.
He has always told me, when I worked, "I'm not helping to clean the house, that's your job, you make less then I do, you work less then I do". He has that "I make more, your job is petty" thing going on.
#2 is exactly it; I don't want to be judged on how I am doing from my Husband.
Post by omgguineapigs on Aug 2, 2012 11:12:14 GMT -5
I have a feeling that this huge backstory is going to make things look worse, not better. This is sounding like abuse.
Kellbell said "I would have no problem working with MY dh at HIS job, but I would absolutely have a problem working with YOUR dh at YOUR job if I were you." Totally. Because this behavior is just not normal for either a husband or a coworker.
I'd say GTFO. Any sort of control is VERY bad news.
I have a feeling that this huge backstory is going to make things look worse, not better. This is sounding like abuse.
Kellbell said "I would have no problem working with MY dh at HIS job, but I would absolutely have a problem working with YOUR dh at YOUR job if I were you." Totally. Because this behavior is just not normal for either a husband or a coworker.
I'd say GTFO. Any sort of control is VERY bad news.
I have been wondering how you were and just about peed withe excitement that YOU ARE HERE!!!!!!!!
I agree that he sounds emotionally abusive in a way that makes me deeply uncomfortable. Best case scenario he's pretty much an asshole.
It sounds like there are a TON of other issues here and I'm not sure you're articulating them well.
1. he is obsessed with making $, but refuses to help around the house. So basically he isn't valuing the non monetary contributions you're putting into the marriage. 2. You say you're worried he will know what you're doing or people will report back to him; it sounds more like you're worried he will judge the quality of your work and lord it over you. 3. he doesn't think you can get anything else= he doesn't think what you're doing is as valuable as what he's doing.
I would have no problem working with MY dh at HIS job, but I would absolutely have a problem working with YOUR dh at YOUR job if I were you.
Does he generally have an inferiority complex re. his job and your level of education? Does he generally have the attitude that what he does is more important/better than what you're doing or bringing into the marriage.
This is the symptom of much bigger issues IMO
Thank you. That is how I feel.
He has always told me, when I worked, "I'm not helping to clean the house, that's your job, you make less then I do, you work less then I do". He has that "I make more, your job is petty" thing going on.
#2 is exactly it; I don't want to be judged on how I am doing from my Husband.
First it was you who wanted to quit; now it was him who wanted you to stop working. You were job hunting, no you were not job hunting. He won't do housework at all, so he wanted you to quit so you could do all that so he wouldn't have to. He belittles you. He wants you to have a job, but he doesn't want you to; no, he wants you to have one but only at his work. He checks up on you.
No, you should not get a job at his place of employment. You should get one though, and keep it; and don't make yourself financially dependent on this man ever again. He's not good husband material.
I was unhappy with my job, I wanted to quit. I brought it up to him, he was on board with wanting me to quit. He discussed that he wanted me to quit to stay home and do the house stuff. I asked him if he was sure, he said yes, I quit.
I looked for part time work; I applied some places. He then came home and said openings were at his work; I need to apply. I said no, he keeps pushing it. It blew up from there.
You keep tapdancing to market this story in a certain way, and I cannot tell what is up here. Either he wanted you to quit or he didn't. You're "looking" for jobs, but not really. Or you have vastly underestimated how shitty the job market is. You are doing fine financially or you're not. Something's not right here. And I think if I heard the whole story it would look even worse.
He didn't want me working period. I'm the one who brought up working again.
Are you from that town too? Do you have friends or family there? I'm asking because it just sounds to me like your H is VERY controlling and is trying to keep you under watch or somthing. Which is fucking scary. He wanted you to quit your job to be a SAHW and do everything for him. Then, when you bring up working again, he jumps on that and is now focused on having you working under him, and therefore under his control too.
Am I reading too much into this? Because if I'm not, I would get the fuck out of there.
So he wanted you to quit to stay home, now he wants you to work with him? If you get a job in your field, what will change as far as him now helping out and you being overwhelmed with working and taking care of EVERYTHING because he refuses to lift a finger? Will the extra income allow for you to get a cleaning service? This seems like a lose-lose situation for you.
And of course, that doesn't touch the issue of how controlling he is that everyone else has mentioned.
Unless you truly need the money, I wouldn't. I don't care about whatever things you need to hide or etc -- working with family can and does foster a huge amount of weird little resentments, not to mention having your extended family all up in your marriage dynamic.
Post by eightangryreindeer on Aug 2, 2012 13:17:09 GMT -5
Well.
Good luck with counseling, but I have to say, you thought you could change him, and now you think a counselor will "fix" him. Chances are this just IS him.
If you're childless I'd plan on remaining so until you're sure this is what you want in life.
Good luck with counseling, but I have to say, you thought you could change him, and now you think a counselor will "fix" him. Chances are this just IS him.
If you're childless I'd plan on remaining so until you're sure this is what you want in life.
I don't think a counselor will fix him. I think one might help him point out what is flawed about his logic or get to why he feels that way.
I can at least try the counseling, if nothing changes after that, then I might have to cut my losses and move on.
No, as much as I want kids, not right now. Not till this is hammered out or something.
Post by omgguineapigs on Aug 2, 2012 13:35:07 GMT -5
Just because that's "the way he was raised" doesn't mean YOU have to stick by him. I know you're not making excuses for him, but you also don't need to find reasons to stay by him either when things are looking this bad. I don't think these issues appear fixable at all - the desire to control isn't something he can very well contain, and even if he could, there's a good chance that the damage is already done.
Stay on your pills - don't tie yourself and your children forever to this person. I am certain you deserve much better.