The rational side of me says EVERYTHING you guys are telling me. I need to GO!
The irrational and hopeful side of me says that if I just harden myself more I can deal with this. We have such a nice house, nice life, etc. When it's good, it's good. We look so good on paper. And maybe he'll wake up one day a changed man.
Because I do believe that he loves me. He does love me, he just doesn't seem to like me very much. I know know that this is HIS issue, though. He finds fault in EVERYTHING. Of course he can only see the "bad" parts of me.
But you shouldn't have to harden yourself or deal with more. Marriage should make you feel better and give support, not the opposite. With all due respect, this is your dysfunctional upbringing talking. BTDT
He won't change. Why would he? He doesn't have to.
ETA - by which I mean, he sees no reason he has to change for the better or treat you well.
The only thing you are wasting are years... It is hard, and I didn't leave him, he left me, but as much as it hurt, I wouldn't have wanted to waste any more time. I wasted enough time, my late teens, my 20's, and early 30's. I wouldn't waste any more. Life is too short.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
The rational side of me says EVERYTHING you guys are telling me. I need to GO!
The irrational and hopeful side of me says that if I just harden myself more I can deal with this. We have such a nice house, nice life, etc. When it's good, it's good. We look so good on paper. And maybe he'll wake up one day a changed man.
Because I do believe that he loves me. He does love me, he just doesn't seem to like me very much. I know know that this is HIS issue, though. He finds fault in EVERYTHING. Of course he can only see the "bad" parts of me.
No.
You shouldn't have to become a hard shell of a person to "deal with" your marriage. Marriage is about love, and becoming a better person alongside your spouse. Mutual support and growth. You've waited 6 years for him to wake up and become a changed man. It hasn't happened yet, and he's made it very clear he has no intention of pursuing pathways for personal growth and change.
He won't change. Why would he? He doesn't have to.
You're right. I've threatened to leave numerous times and have gone to visit friends or taken unnecessarily long business trips on many occasions. But I've always come back. And he is better when I return, but not for long. He falls right back into the old behaviors within a month.
And I honestly believe that he will be crushed when I leave. Crushed. So I feel bad for him and don't want to hurt him. Crazy, I know.
It's cowardly I know but I'm leaving him a letter. This way I don't have to worry about his reaction and I can concentrate on myself. Because leaving is the best thing that I can do for ME. And after spending 5 years worrying about his reaction over everything it's time I put myself first. That's what you need to remember. You are worth more than him and his reaction is not your problem.
And I honestly believe that he will be crushed when I leave. Crushed. So I feel bad for him and don't want to hurt him. Crazy, I know.
It's cowardly I know but I'm leaving him a letter. This way I don't have to worry about his reaction and I can concentrate on myself. Because leaving is the best thing that I can do for ME. And after spending 5 years worrying about his reaction over everything it's time I put myself first. That's what you need to remember. You are worth more than him and his reaction is not your problem.
This doesn't sound cowardly at all, it sounds smart in your situation.
(In a healthy relationship I wouldn't handle it this way, but with abuse, you do what is best for you.)
The rational side of me says EVERYTHING you guys are telling me. I need to GO!
The irrational and hopeful side of me says that if I just harden myself more I can deal with this. We have such a nice house, nice life, etc. When it's good, it's good. We look so good on paper. And maybe he'll wake up one day a changed man.
Because I do believe that he loves me. He does love me, he just doesn't seem to like me very much. I know know that this is HIS issue, though. He finds fault in EVERYTHING. Of course he can only see the "bad" parts of me.
I'm sorry. This is extraordinarily difficult. You shouldn't have to harden yourself to be happy. That isn't happiness, that's defeat. He probably does love you, but it doesn't matter. That sounds harsh, but his version of love is warped. I agree that you should seek individual therapy. A therapist can help you work through this and help you learn how to empower yourself. Hugs.
And I honestly believe that he will be crushed when I leave. Crushed. So I feel bad for him and don't want to hurt him. Crazy, I know.
It's cowardly I know but I'm leaving him a letter. This way I don't have to worry about his reaction and I can concentrate on myself. Because leaving is the best thing that I can do for ME. And after spending 5 years worrying about his reaction over everything it's time I put myself first. That's what you need to remember. You are worth more than him and his reaction is not your problem.
I think I would do the same. Or leave on one of my trips and just not come back. I don't think he'd let me leave without a fight. I could see him trying to hold the dog hostage, lock me out so I can't get to my travel documents, etc. Or tell me I can leave but I can't take anything with me. I just don't see him reacting rationally.
ETA: Re the "hold the dog hostage" comment: The dog is mine, I came into the marriage with him, and he's leaving with me. He is my baby. But he is now also DH's baby and I don't think he'd let me take him if he knew I wasn't coming back.
And I honestly believe that he will be crushed when I leave. Crushed. So I feel bad for him and don't want to hurt him. Crazy, I know.
That is exactly how I felt. And you know what, it was true. He was crushed. I think that even though he is now living with a girlfriend and they have adopted pets together and all of that, he is still sad that we broke up. All of those thoughts kept me in the marriage a lot longer than I should have stayed. I didn't want to hurt him.
And I still worry about him--he has no family and is always teetering on the edge of completely broke. I hate that. But eventually I saw that I wasn't lifting him up, he was dragging me down. And he would always drag me down. That dynamic wasn't going to change.
I know my exH loved me, I think he still does, in a way. But he wasn't very nice to me. He was cold and distant a lot of the time. And really, your daily life is your life, if that makes sense. Knowing that he loved me and would be hurt if I ended things didn't change our daily life, which was largely devoid of good times together and of real affection.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Thank you. Intellectually, I know I have to leave. I know it. But I'm scared of being alone, scared of missing him, scared of starting over.
Starting over IS scary, but I promise it's worth it.
It sounds like you are already alone and missing the man you thought your husband was- he's unwilling to work to resolve the issues and you cannot carry this burden alone. You will eventually break.
Yes, I think I love an "image" of him, if that makes sense. I'm a hopeful person. I keep hoping he'll change, but I realize that's just not realistic anymore. Hindsight 20/20, of course, but I wouldn't have married him if he'd been like this while we were dating.
I'm sorry:( I have been there with an ex, I was in 'love' with an idealized version of him, not the person he truly was. It's easy for us to tell you go leave, much harder to actually do it. I would start taking steps. Honestly, for me, it had to get to a point where I just stopped caring, and was exhausted with the back and forth. The last thing your situation needs is a child in the mix. Best of luck!
The bolded is so true in many relationships.
You have tried therapy. He doesn't want to change. Why do you want to stay with someone who belittles you and shows you no love? Try individual counseling to help with your history of being in an abusive household and to help you leave this one.
Good luck and hugs. No one deserves to be in this kind of relationship.
That is no way to live, and you deserve a chance to be happy. I know it's hard, trust me I do, but you need to do this for you. You deserve it. One quote helped me through
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
"Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together..." Is my favorite part.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Please be careful if you think he is going to react irrationally.
Could you send the dog to stay with your parents/friend/sibling for a holiday visit and just have them keep the dog for a little bit, while you get everything together?
It's cowardly I know but I'm leaving him a letter. This way I don't have to worry about his reaction and I can concentrate on myself. Because leaving is the best thing that I can do for ME. And after spending 5 years worrying about his reaction over everything it's time I put myself first. That's what you need to remember. You are worth more than him and his reaction is not your problem.
I think I would do the same. Or leave on one of my trips and just not come back. I don't think he'd let me leave without a fight. I could see him trying to hold the dog hostage, lock me out so I can't get to my travel documents, etc. Or tell me I can leave but I can't take anything with me. I just don't see him reacting rationally.
This is exactly what I'm worried about. I don't want to be there for the initial reaction because I think he would fight me in taking the dog or promise me changes again that won't happen. Once the initial anger/hurt has worn off then I will contact him again to discuss next steps.
Everything you have said makes me ache for you. I know how hard it is to make this decision but it really does sound like the best thing you could do. And I know how miserable I've been in this situation and can't imagine someone else having to go through this.
I think I would do the same. Or leave on one of my trips and just not come back. I don't think he'd let me leave without a fight. I could see him trying to hold the dog hostage, lock me out so I can't get to my travel documents, etc. Or tell me I can leave but I can't take anything with me. I just don't see him reacting rationally.
This is exactly what I'm worried about. I don't want to be there for the initial reaction because I think he would fight me in taking the dog or promise me changes again that won't happen. Once the initial anger/hurt has worn off then I will contact him again to discuss next steps.
Everything you have said makes me ache for you. I know how hard it is to make this decision but it really does sound like the best thing you could do. And I know how miserable I've been in this situation and can't imagine someone else having to go through this.
I am so, so sorry that you're going through this as well. And I am in awe of your courage to leave. Good for you. I'm giving him the holidays and January as we already have trips planned with friends and I need time to get my ducks in a row. Most likely, I'll be leaving in February.
To the others who've posted here that they left a bad marriage, thank you for your stories. They really are helping me. To everyone, I so appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Really, thank you.
You are actually afraid of him. You fear that he will take steps to prevent you from leaving and hold your dog hostage. I am not on the inside of your relationship therefore I have a different perspective than you do. That you are scared of him and what he will do to you and your dog is not normal. I'm out here and I'm telling you this is not right or okay or remotely acceptable.
I can relate to many of the things you're saying. I felt that way a lot with my XH. It's possible we could have stuck together in the long run if I had been willing to put up with however he acted and whatever he did, but why do that to yourself? Things can be so much better.
I will tell you, I've been apart from my XH for close to 2 years now and I'm in a relationship with someone else who IS affectionate and kind and cares about my feelings and who I don't have to walk on eggshells around. I was cranky earlier today and apologized for my mood, and he gave me a hug and a kiss and told me there is nothing wrong with being cranky and he loves me. My XH would have gotten into a blowout fight with me. It can be better than what you've got. I can say that because I've been there and now I'm here and it's so, so different.
You have a long life ahead of you, don't waste the next 50 years "putting up with" things when you could spend them actually being happy.
Post by chittybangbang on Dec 14, 2014 22:19:56 GMT -5
I will caution you about planning to leave so far in advance. My initial plan was to wait until after the holidays but I was doing myself more harm than good stressing about the situation. The sooner I can get away the sooner I can be happy. The same for you.
The irrational and hopeful side of me says that if I just harden myself more I can deal with this. We have such a nice house, nice life, etc. When it's good, it's good. We look so good on paper. And maybe he'll wake up one day a changed man.
You need to tell your irrational and hopeful side to fuck off. Really, this is no way to live.