Please give me the courage to leave

[regae]

I've been married for nearly six years, no kids, 36-years-old.  

DH isn't affectionate with me, often rejects my kisses (turns cheek away or allows the quickest peck), and our sex life isn't good (few times a month, no foreplay, just right to the action).

DH is also critical of my body, urging me to workout more, eat less...  He's told me before that my lack of a perfect body is a reason why he doesn't feel affectionate.  (FWIW, I'm 5'4" and weigh 115 pounds, am actually quite attractive, and appear to be in my late 20s.)  

DH is short-tempered and snaps at me a lot.  He goes into "funks" in which he ignores me and these bad moods can last for days.  When this happens I feel so, so alone.  I often walk on eggshells so as not to set off one of these bad moods.

There are some other issues, but the lack of affection and the crippling bad moods are what keep me up at night.  He is a glass is half empty type of person.  Always finds fault in everything, including me.

Our relationship was mainly long-distance until we got married and I didn't see this side of him until a few months after the wedding.  I've held on because I'm a fighter, I'm scared, I truly love him and just want for us to be happy.  It's been like way for years and in some ways I've grown used to it.  

But now I'm at a crossroads - I want children at some point, but I can't bring myself to do it with him.  I don't want to bring a child into this toxic house and I can only imagine how terrible he'll make me feel about my body during/after pregnancy.  

He doesn't want to go to therapy - we've done a few sessions in the past, but they didn't really help.  He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he also just ignores/neglects my needs.  I tried to bring up therapy again today.  His response:  "No marriage is perfect.  You need to lower your needs."  And then he walked away.

Everything looks perfect on the outside:  beautiful house, attractive couple, financially secure.  And I love him.  But I'm dying inside.  Please give me the courage to leave.

[nancybotwin]

You sound amazing. And he sounds like a) he doesn't appreciate that and b) he doesn't make your life any better. My new mantra in life is that no one gets to make my life tougher or less happy; it sounds like he does both.

I know it takes such courage to do what you're thinking of. Best of luck.

[bonquiqui]

That is no way to live, and you deserve a chance to be happy. I know it's hard, trust me I do, but you need to do this for you. You deserve it. One quote helped me through


“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”


"Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together..." Is my favorite part.

Hugs and you can do this.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Life is too short to live like this.

[rosiedozie]

Leave. You deserve so, so much more than this. Just imagine a life where you are truly happy - you can't get that with someone like him.

[starburst604]

You say you love him, but what do you love about a person who tears you down like that? Maybe you love who you wish he was?

[regae]

Thank you. Intellectually, I know I have to leave. I know it. But I'm scared of being alone, scared of missing him, scared of starting over.

[karmasabiotch]

You need to find the courage to leave. Make a list, one step at a time and it won't seem as overwhelming. It usually takes women 4-6 attempts at least when they're in an abusive relationship to leave. It's probably harder if there's no physical abuse.

Small step with goal dates. good luck and hugs...

[10nille]

Stop wasting your time and get out. If this isn't MUD it is sad you cannot read what you wrote and think what is the upside to this guy? He is not affectionate, demeaning, toxic, and prone to a lot of bad moods. You said yourself you wouldn't want a child with him and you want a child, so he is not the guy for you.

[AAM2012]

Get out now while you can do so easily (i.e no kids).

Are you sure he's not seeing someone else? His reaction seems really manipulating and unfair to you.

[regae]

Dec 14, 2014 21:19:06 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

You say you love him, but what do you love about a person who tears you down like that? Maybe you love who you wish he was?

Yes, I think I love an "image" of him, if that makes sense.  I'm a hopeful person.  I keep hoping he'll change, but I realize that's just not realistic anymore.  Hindsight 20/20, of course, but I wouldn't have married him if he'd been like this while we were dating.

[Deleted]

Leave babe.

Life is too short.

[pandorica]

I'm so sorry, you deserve so much better. Starting over and leaving what you know is scary, but life can be SO much better than it is right now. Go find your happiness!

[IrishBelle]

You deserve sooo much better. Do what will make you happy.

[chittybangbang]

I could have written this entire post myself. I've been with SO for 5 years and am moving out today.

I've been trying so hard to make it work but am just not happy. Even being on my own will be better than being timid in my own house because I don't know what will set him off.

I've recently realised that verbal abuse is just the same as physical abuse and just because he doesn't hit me doesn't mean it's not abuse. And it eats away at your self esteem so that you don't think you can leave because you are so beaten down emotionally.

If you want to talk more I'm happy for you to PM.

[regae]

Some answers:

No, I don't think he's seeing anyone else. He's self-employed so I know where he is nearly all the time, which is mainly at home. And I'm mainly at home too.

No, not MUD. But I am a semi-reg posting under an AE (hence regae as a screen name) because I don't want to be branded with this.

Why do I still love him? I hate this explanation, but I grew up in an unstable and abusive (physically and verbally) home, so I think it's probably easier for me than most to forgive his behavior. And it's not ALWAYS terrible. We have an awesome group of friends, for example, and do a lot of fun couple things.

[moolarkey]

Life is too short for this. Can you project yourself in to the future - when you are 60, 65,70 and he hasn't changed. You do not have the children you want to have, he is still ignoring you and walking all over you. Will you be glad you stayed?

If your answer is no then get out now. You only get one life.

You've undoubtedly had people talk about no one wishing they'd spent more time at work when they die... no one is glad they stayed in a miserable marriage either.

One life - is this the one life you want to have lived?

[isabel]

You know you deserve better. How is your IRL support system? Can you trust your family and friends to be supportive and help you through this, at least emotionally?

This board will always be supportive, willing to listen and offer feedback, and a shoulder to cry on.

You are worth it. Don't continue to live your life with someone who doesn't value you.

[chittybangbang]

Dec 14, 2014 21:27:52 GMT -5 regae said:

Why do I still love him? I hate this explanation, but I grew up in an unstable and abusive (physically and verbally) home, so I think it's probably easier for me than most to forgive his behavior. And it's not ALWAYS terrible. We have an awesome group of friends, for example, and do a lot of fun couple things.

This for me was what made it so hard. But even when things aren't terrible there is still no love in our relationship. You need to do what is best for you and it sounds like leaving would be what's best for you.

[Serenity9]

I was in a very similar situation, and I've been out for 10 months now. I can't tell you it's easy, but for me, it has been so, so worth it. I don't know if you feel this way, but when I was still with my husband, the great, great majority of my thoughts revolved around how I could make sure I didn't set off a mood, or what could have caused a mood, or how unfair something he said was, but I couldn't confront him about it because it would set off a mood and bring more trouble down on my head. The biggest relief after leaving is having my thoughts be my own again. I feel like a whole person again. You deserve to be a whole person. Love yourself. Respect yourself. You deserve it.

[blondemoment123]

I'm sorry. I can relate to many of the issues you pointed out. It's lonely. I'm giving things until the end of the year to change or I'm seriously considering leaving. It's a terrifying decision to make but we both deserve to be happy.

[sapphireblue]

I can relate to a lot of what you said. It sounds, in some ways, a lot like my marriage was. I stayed for FAR too long, much longer than I should have, because, like you, I still loved him and I didn't want to hurt him.

But it never got better and it eventually got even worse, and somehow I did leave. I can tell you that I felt such a sense of relief as soon as I knew it was really over. Sure, it was scary to be alone but I remember saying to my uncle when the divorce was announced to family: "I feel so much more optimistic about my future, facing it alone, than I did when I was with exH."

When you look at your future if you stay in your marriage, how do you see it? If you want kids and you are 36, now is the time to walk away. I promise you, I know how hard it is to do, but you will be so glad that you did.

My exH moved out about 2 1/2 years ago and there were some stressful times but everything is so much better now. Individual counseling could help if you don't actually feel ready to leave, but I suspect you making this post is a strong sign that you know, deep down, what you want to be doing.

[ohgillian]

If you want to be a mother, you need to leave this marriage. I'm sorry, regae.

[DotAndBuzz]

Many hugs to you as you navigate this. Know that you are worthy of happiness, and you can still love someone even when you know deep down that your paths are going in separate directions.

I wish you strength and peace.

[flex]

True love shouldn't be this hard. He's never going to change. The way he is now is "him". Do you want to spend the rest of your life with that?

You're afraid of being "alone" if you leave, but aren't you ALREADY alone?

[regae]

I have a good support system IRL. I would move to the city where my best friend lives - she knows about everything and fully, 110% supports my leaving him. I would miss our group of friends here terribly, but there's no way I'd stay here (his hometown, where I moved when we got married).

[lime]

Dec 14, 2014 21:32:41 GMT -5 chittybangbang said:

Dec 14, 2014 21:27:52 GMT -5 regae said:

Why do I still love him? I hate this explanation, but I grew up in an unstable and abusive (physically and verbally) home, so I think it's probably easier for me than most to forgive his behavior. And it's not ALWAYS terrible. We have an awesome group of friends, for example, and do a lot of fun couple things.

This for me was what made it so hard. But even when things aren't terrible there is still no love in our relationship. You need to do what is best for you and it sounds like leaving would be what's best for you.

Sorry you are dealing with this. 

I spent 6 years engaged to an emotionally abusive man b/c I was raised in a home like this. 

It was hard to have it end but it felt SO, SO good to not be in it anymore. 

You can do this. Enlist the help of a counselor to walk you through this in baby steps, if need be. 

[tictac]

My mom gave me the following advice when I was breaking up with my asshole ex-FI: You can be lonely and miserable with this guy, or lonely and miserable without him. Without him, you're free to move on and make a life that doesn't make you feel that way anymore."

He's made it clear he's not interested in making it work, and you deserve so much better than that-so go get it!

[krystee]

First, you have already made the decision (your post was not asking if you should, but asking for courage to help you), which is a huge, huge step.

You are not in an emergent rush, so you can take your time and be careful. Meet with an attorney, figure out your new budget and what you can afford, decide if you want the house, get your support network in place, and make copies of all financial records.

He doesn't have to be the worst guy in the world for you to leave him. He just has to be the wrong guy for you. You deserve love and affection and laughter--not critiques and coldness and tension.

You can do this.

[lulu13]

Give yourself permission to leave and be happy. I've been married for 13 years and I can guarantee that if even one of them involved this BS I'd have been gone long ago. Take care of yourself and leave. I echo the sentiment...life is too short.