For those that cut off family members

[nursewife]

In November I wrote a letter to my grandparents saying I'd like limited contact. They prefer a lot of family over my parents and 2 uncles. My mom hasn't spoke to them in years. I'm sick of being treated like myself, husband and kids are less important. After crying about not getting a thanksgiving invite, I wrote the letter saying I'd prefer limited contact till they can treat my family as they do others in the extended family. 
This week I got our card from them with a cheque, and no mention of my prior letter. Should I still accept gifts? I plan on mailing them a Christmas card, but that's it. I'm really unsure if I should just rip it up, use the $ for a much needed vacation, or just put it in the kids bank accounts. Any suggestions?

[wannabe]

I can totally be bought. I'm just sayin'.

[shell24]

I completely understand wanting to take the money but I don't think you should. You just can't have it both ways. They seem like the type to attach strings.  

I'm sorry your grandparents treat your family the way they do.

[mcmel]

I cut my grandparents off when they treated my parents like shit. They have sent many gifts and I always return them, including the cash. They're master manipulators and me accepting any gift would open up a line of communication. I have way too much pride to accept a gift from them and have them feel like they've done me a favor.

[nursewife]

Dec 20, 2014 0:38:27 GMT -5 shell24 said:

I completely understand wanting to take the money but I don't think you should. You just can't have it both ways. They seem like the type to attach strings.  

I'm sorry your grandparents treat your family the way they do.

The $ would be great right now, especially since I'm not working. I didn't really think of this when I sent the letter. Maybe they hadn't even got their letter before sending us the Christmas cards. I hate having to deal with this on top of losing my job, and aunt's breast cancer stress. I'm ready for a new year in a bad way. 

[nursewife]

Dec 20, 2014 0:39:38 GMT -5 mcmel said:

I cut my grandparents off when they treated my parents like shit. They have sent many gifts and I always return them, including the cash. They're master manipulators and me accepting any gift would open up a line of communication. I have way too much pride to accept a gift from them and have them feel like they've done me a favor.

I Would like some communication (ie. Sending letters, pictures of the kids). Besides that I don't want calls or "invites". I didn't think of the gift part through. 

[mcmel]

Dec 20, 2014 0:44:47 GMT -5 nursewife said:

Dec 20, 2014 0:39:38 GMT -5 mcmel said:

I cut my grandparents off when they treated my parents like shit. They have sent many gifts and I always return them, including the cash. They're master manipulators and me accepting any gift would open up a line of communication. I have way too much pride to accept a gift from them and have them feel like they've done me a favor.

I Would like some communication (ie. Sending letters, pictures of the kids). Besides that I don't want calls or "invites". I didn't think of the gift part through. 

It seems like it's what you want to do. If it feels right to you then do it.

We all have different boundaries and this seems to fall within the "limited contact" boundary that you feel comfortable with so I say go for it. Enjoy your monies!

[nursewife]

Thanks guys. Fuck this month sucks. Job loss, no Christmas bonus, and dealing with these ramifications. Wake me up when it's January please.

[shell24]

Dec 20, 2014 0:52:26 GMT -5 nursewife said:

Thanks guys. Fuck this month sucks. Job loss, no Christmas bonus, and dealing with these ramifications. Wake me up when it's January please.

Oh no . Fingers crossed things turn around for you soon. You know your grandparents-if you think accepting the money wouldn't further impact how they view/ treat you, then you should deposit the check and not look back.

[nursewife]

Dec 20, 2014 1:05:30 GMT -5 shell24 said:

Dec 20, 2014 0:52:26 GMT -5 nursewife said:

Thanks guys. Fuck this month sucks. Job loss, no Christmas bonus, and dealing with these ramifications. Wake me up when it's January please.

Oh no . Fingers crossed things turn around for you soon. You know your grandparents-if you think accepting the money wouldn't further impact how they view/ treat you, then you should deposit the check and not look back.

I was thinking of just putting it in an education fund for the kids. They are in Florida till the spring. so it's not like they can just 'show up'. I'm not sure how things will be when they are back locally. I wouldn't mind seeing my grandfather. It's my grandmother that has torn her enture family apart. I really hate how holidays make these kinds of situations that much harder.

[pantsparty]

I'm really sorry

But if you truly intend on cutting someone off, they're cut off or they're not. You can't accept money without some understanding there will be a relationship - or surely some type of manipulation or guilt.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you've had a rough go lately

[nursewife]

I'm currently regretting not defining what 'limited contact' will be.

[wannabe]

I'm totally kidding, btw. Rip that check up, gurrrrl.

And I'm sorry

[aussiecrush]

Issues like this cropped up for us when we cut H's parents out. We said no contact, they'd still send stuff to the boys. H wanted to accept it but not reply, I felt wrong accepting things from people I didn't have a relationship with. So I returned them to sender and they stopped sending things.
I'm sorry you are going through and that it's so hard. 2015 has good things waiting for you.

[nursewife]

Thanks guys. I'm really only thinking what could go worse is if H or I die. I think since our car accident, just about everything else went wrong, so there shouldn't be much else that can do wrong. I don't want to sound like a martyr, but the events over the last 3 years have left me feeling so broken and sad. This year, I just want something to go right. In my dreams I get my job back. Realistically, I'd love to scrape enough together for a vacation. I need a week to not think.

[awick14]

((nursewife)) I would have a hard time not taking the money when you are struggling like this. But the right thing is to return it.

I hope the new year is much better for you. I can't wait for this year to be over either.

[stealthmom]

It's a check right? I'd just hold on to it and let the answer come to you. You don't have to decide this today.

[poopedydoop]

Eh. I'd cash the check. You wanted limited contact, not 'no contact'. Go on vacation. You don't have to reciprocate the gift or feel obligated.

[ECB]

Dec 20, 2014 1:39:56 GMT -5 nursewife said:

I'm currently regretting not defining what 'limited contact' will be.

heres the thing, though - no matter how YOU define it, you can't force them to follow. This is why limited contact of any sort is going to be a problem. It's grey. You don't even know what it means to you. In turn, You aren't going to be able to enforce it.

Having any open doors with them is going to tell them that if they keep trying, pushing, contacting, etc, they can get back "in" and do as they please.

Do some more soul searching about what you want.

[snipsnsnails]

I would return it.

I've found in all sorts of things, when you're unsure of where or how it might go, it's best to be overly conservative in your boundaries and formalities, and then loosen up as time and wisdom allow rather than the other way around.

[themoneytree]

I don't really see a problem in putting it straight in an education fund for your kids and writing a formal thank you note saying that's what you have done.

That feels quite different (to me) then using the cash for a vacation or fun stuff.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I guess you need to think more about what relationship you want to have with these people. A letter saying you want limited contact sounds confusing.
Are they so beyond hope you just want to cut ties? In which case you have to tear up the cheque. Or are you hoping they will change their behavior? Or are you letting them know you'll only see them at extended family gatherings from now on?
Maybe if you clarify for yourself what you want to see happen, a decision about the money will be easier.

[workaholic]

Well, I see both sides. I agree that if you cut someone off, you don't accept any favors from them. It will send mixed signals. However, maybe they heard about your job loss and are trying to help. If I were in your case, I would cash the check. I would send another letter thanking them for a check, indicating it will help financially bc you lost your job. Then open the floor and air your grievances. Or not. You could simply send a thank you note. You can figure the rest out in 2015. Again, if it were me, I would cash it and use it for the family. Its a tough decision and I'm sorry you are in this position.

[sineadorebellion]

My inlaws used to send gift cards or checks after they were cut off. It made it easier to just not open it anymore and put return to sender and send it back. Even a small amount of money from them comes with strings with them and I wasn't willing to do that anymore.

[Muddled]

No need to send it back, just tear it up. If these people have caused you enough grief to cut them off, you don't allow them fund your vacations. It's not worth it.

[nursewife]

The cheque is for $300. Not a huge amount. I don't want to be in contact so it's my decision not going to family events ext. I feel I have a bit more control that way since it's my decision. When they are back from the area, they live very local. I won't go out of my way to not speak to them, like at the grocery store. But I don't want to be invited over, have stop in visits, etc. I've made this decision because I've felt like 2nd best to other family members, and I don't want the kids to ever feel that way. When the kids are older, they can make the decision on whether to see them or not. I guess my thought about putting the money towards their education is that I can show them that they (grandparents) still love them very much, even though they don't see them. I know when I was younger, I felt sending my gift back meant that I didn't love them, when that wasn't true.

[BunnyMacDougal]

Dec 20, 2014 1:52:10 GMT -5 wannabe said:

I'm totally kidding, btw. Rip that check up, gurrrrl.

And I'm sorry

I agree with ripping it up.  Silently.  

If you really can't continue a relationship, it does no one any good to keep poking and prodding at each other.  Just rip up any check that comes *brightly* and move on.

[kyah]

I don't understand the limited contact bit. Why go to the effort of sending letters and pictures? If you feel strongly about it, I guess the type of contact needs to be better defined. I cut out my parents because they treat me, my husband and my stepson poorly. I let them know if they decided to treat my family better we could talk. They kept trying to send cards and money, but I just sent it back.

[fivechickens]

I would not use it for a vacation but I don't see anything wrong with putting it in a college education fund for you kids. I think it is a little different since you are asking for limited contact rather than no contact. Could this be your way of your grandmother showing love/that she cares? My dad had a habit of showing his love through money or through materialistic things.

[ECB]

To what I wrote before - this is the thing, you can't stop them from inviting you or from stopping over. Obviously you don't have to open the door or let them in. BUT just saying "This is what I want" isn't necessairly going to keep them from still doing it. You have to be ready for that. You have to be ready to enforce what you said.

I think sending the $$ back will send a clear message of "Not interested". If you keep it, it tells them "eh, she wrote that letter in anger, but she doesn't mean it. She really wants us around...".

It's a hard spot, and I feel for you.

[katb]

My sister and my father's wife are no longer in my life. I have no contact with them, NONE. However, my father does and he takes my kids to his house at holidays to play with the cousins, etc and obviously my kids see their aunt and "grandmother". As long as they don't say anything about me or disparaging to my children, I will let them go. They get Christmas gifts and Bday cards from them and it is fine. However, the gifts are very specifically for them - not me, not the family, a particular child.
If I received one from one of them, I would not accept it. If you are going to have boundaries that you want respected/followed, you can't break them or move them yourself. If you accept this check, in the spring you will be writing a post how your grandmother once again didn't treat you how you wanted and is not listening to the letter you wrote.

As far as when your kids get older, my kids already sense something. I don't bad mouth anyone, I don't explain grown up things to my little kids (nor my adult daughter). My kids are not in danger, but these people are toxic to me. My kids will grow up and be able to make their own decisions. I want them to have as many people in their life that love them in a healthy way. Perhaps your grandparents will reevaluate the treatment of your family in time, and you will be able to reestablish some type of relationship.