Shit my MIL says

[halfpint]

We spent the weekend out of town visiting my ILs for (thank GOD) the final "Christmas" of the year. (side note: I love you, Christmas, but I'm ready to get back to normal life - no more Buddy-the-Elf diet or travel or forced smiles in reaction to bad gifts).

My MIL is a trip. She used to make me mad, now I just laugh it off. 

Speaking to my SIL about her kids, an 18 year old stepson, and a 3 year old daughter:
"Are they close? Do you think they'll get along even more as they get closer in age?"  (huh)

As I'm touching up make-up before leaving the house:
"You know, I've never been one to really wear make-up. I think it makes women look older than they are."

Before we left to go spend the evening with BIL:
MIL: "Do you need some bananas for Ben? I have these little bananas."
BIL: "I have bananas at my house he can eat."
MIL: "Oh, but the little bananas are better!"

Eating chocolate candy at SIL's house:
MIL: "I think these have palm oil in them. I think I can taste the palm oil. I just hate it, I wish they wouldn't put palm oil in everything now."
Me: "What's wrong with palm oil? Is it extra bad for you or something?"
MIL: *blank stare* "I don't know."

We went to see their new townhouse, which is undergoing extensive renovations:
"We're replacing these ceiling fans and light fixtures. I think the oil rubbed bronze looks ugly and dated - they'd be perfect for your house, would you like them?"

[Deleted]

Haha. I love old people. My MIL says the most random sh*t like that too. Then about 20 minutes later realizes what she says and apologizes for the next week.

Our exchange student is the same way. I just had a conversation with him that went like this:

He brings up dishes from some food my MIL sent him when we were gone and rinses them at the sink to take them back:

Me: You actually have to wash those.
Him: I just did.
Me: No you didn't. you just rinsed. That's gross. Leave them on the counter and I'll put them in the dishwasher later.
Him: I'll just put in a squirt of soap and shake it around. She needs these dishes back.
Me: I have other things I need to return to her. Just put them in the dishwasher so they actually get washed.
Him: The dishwasher? Isn't that for clothes.

***Head Desk**

Him: I like it when MIL sends dinner. She actually cooks real things.
Me: Huh. (proceeds to run away and try not cry).

Kid p*sses me off lately. He's blunt. Also speaks terrible English that's not getting better 4 months later. He's also really stubborn and thinks everything should happen his way. To the point it's offensive. Some of this is also cultural/lost in translation but some of it is just plain jacka$$sery.

I don't even know what to do at this point other than laugh. I know I can cook. I cook well actually. He just expects a roasted duck, mashed potatoes, fresh green beans, a beef roast, gravy, a loaf of bread, a squash, a bowl of soup and 2 fresh baked pies for every meal. Nobody's got time for that on the regular in this house.

[lillaguma]

Ha - the last one about the ugly fixtures that would be perfect for your house made me laugh. What a nut.

My MIL gave us plenty of gems while we visited them for the holiday as well. Our first conversation actually went like this:

We came in the door, she enthusiastically greets H who is her golden child, then turns to me, "And here's mama!" (I am pregnant with our first, she is very excited.)
Then she goes right into - "So let me see this baby bump!" I unbutton my coat and show her my little bump - it isn't super huge yet. Then?

MIL: "So, how much weight have you gained so far?"
I was a little dumbfounded. Who asks that? So I reply, "I don't know."
MIL: "You don't know?? Aren't they weighing you?"
I really had no idea what to say, so I look at H and fortunately he says, "Yes, they are weighing her, and they say she's exactly where she needs to be."

So then she stares at my body for another minute or so, then turns to H and says, "Well Daddy, you did a good job!!"

His face. I thought I was going to die laughing later. He was so horrified.

[gibbinator]

We were at dinner with the ILs last night and they'd invited a couple of their friends over to see everyone and our new baby. Anyway they admire him and the husband says loudly to ds2 "well you're the proof your mom let your dad have some fun last year"
Cue awkward laughter.

[everafter07]

How could that ever have made you mad? That shit's a best-seller, right there. Keep jotting those down and submit them to a publisher in a few years.

[scribellesam]

These are amazing.

[Deleted]

I posted last week that my MIL told me she'd never had mac and cheese and that my Velveeta shells and cheese were "fancy"
This is a woman who has this book www.amazon.com/Modernist-Cuisine-The-Science-Cooking/dp/0982761007 on display in her kitchen.

[UnderProtest]

My MIL actually got mad that the US post office workers didn't know international mail/customs policies and didn't inform her of them. She thought that the wonderful US postal service should know the UK customs laws. She was outraged.

[halfpint]

Dec 29, 2014 15:32:35 GMT -5 @mrsspunky said:

I posted last week that my MIL told me she'd never had mac and cheese and that my Velveeta shells and cheese were "fancy"
This is a woman who has this book www.amazon.com/Modernist-Cuisine-The-Science-Cooking/dp/0982761007 on display in her kitchen.

She loves to call my cooking "fancy" and "extravagant". 

I bought stuff to make sandwiches when they were at our house once. Like three kinds of basic cold cuts, two kinds of cheese, and two varieties of mustard. White or wheat bread. That's it. She was all, "Oh, I just don't know. We're so plain and simple at our house, we're not used to all these fancy choices. We just have one kind of meat, one kind of cheese. And all these toppings. It's just so over the top!"

[drloretta]

Speaking of cooking, this isn't from the most recent (and ongoing) visit, this was a call a few months ago.

MIL: What did you guys have for dinner?
DH: Shepherd's pie
MIL: Oh, where did you buy it? (she eats out 3x/day)
DH: Um, DrL made it
MIL: ::shocked silence::

[lolo]

SIL is likely to get engaged soon. MIL tells us that SIL said: 'All I need is my parents and a fabulous dress. Everything else is negotiable.'

I am so tired of this so I turned to my husband and said, in my sweetest voice: 'so sorry to hear you're negotiable, honey.'