Drama-rific: Tell me I am not the crazy one...

[Deleted]

Sorry this is long: I'll try not to be super duper confusing. My dad and I have a strange history. We used to be super close - I moved in with him when my parents divorced, etc. Ever since I've gotten married and especially since my older son was born he has become very resentful and distant. When I relocated across the country he essentially acted like I did something wrong because I moved away from HIM. When I call him to catch up every week he usually ends the call w/ "I';ll let you get back to your life now". This comment is loaded. Essentially he doesn't know his "role" now that I have a husband and family and my life isn't something he gets to "fix" or actively make decisions about.

Two years ago my brother and him got into such a huge fight over Obama, they ended up never speaking again because my dad said to his son "wanting the government healthcare means you are a lazy worthless piece of crap who contributes nothing to the world". Shocking, I know.

During this fight I just kept saying I understood my dad was frustrated w/ my brother's lack of ambition to be wealthy, but that did not justify treating your son like garbage, etc. My main point that people are who they are, when they are your kids you just love them. You don't have to loan him money or participate in his life if it bothers you but he's your son, maybe stop treating him like shit? (My brother was 28 at the time).

Ok well the other day my dad is talking about politics and I'm politely listening while he calls me and all Democrats and young people stupid (I'm 34, btw, not exactly "young and stupid"). Then he starts emailing me those stupid internet photos with insulting crap written on them re: Obama and Democrats. THEN he launches into a thing about how he wants to give my inheritance to the Republican party in my name so me and my brother can know what it feels like to really live off the government like we dream of. HOLD THE PHONE. This is so detached from reality I take a step back into....WHA? Territory.

We are emailing back and forth and I was just starting out like "you know I'm pretty tired of you calling me up and calling me stupid every week.... I am polite enough to not rail against your beliefs to you in an abusive way". And then the convo goes super personal. He told me that my children are not his grandchildren they are just some faces on the computer screen (skype) and since I moved away I chose it to be that way, I don't care about him, etc. He says how he LOVES his gf's grandkids who come knock on his door and hang out with him. At this point I get tunnel vision I'm so angry.

We throw insults back and forth and in the end he emails me this: "Look SSAL we are just at the point where I would never have you here and I would never go there. You call my family here names. You fucking self-righteous white trash redneck piece of shit. You are better than NOBODY. Get it. NOBODY. I don’t know who you think you are. You are better than NOBODY. I am done talking to you."

(I'm a racist redneck??? What??? This is bc I don't like his gf or her family and they happen to be Latino. This is not why I don't like them.....)

My final response was to send him a link to the Mayo Clinic's website definition of narcissistic personality disorder. His huge upset is that he wasn't allowed in the delivery room when my son was born. Almost 3 years ago. At that time he called me while I was in the hospital to yell at me for "ruining his experience and not letting him have his special moment". (I called him within 30 minutes of returning to my room to invite him to the hospital to visit - he lives 3 blocks away. He waited until his girlfriend's lunch break 6 hours later).

I wasn't going to post all this but it's been about 3 days and I'm still just kind of distraught while at the same time feeling really, really numb. I've been through similar issues w/ my mom. I didn't even cry or anything. As a mother I cannot fathom feeling this much hatred and putting this much emotional burden on my children but also, how does his GF who he claims is SO about family allowing this to go on? He's now cut off all 3 of his kids, btw. I have an older brother he hasn't talked to in 10 years.

Sigh. I'm not crazy to set boundaries, right? I mean - I'm allowed to say stop calling me and saying horribly insulting things? He's done this forever and of course the day I finally do it back he cuts me off. We all listen to his crap for 30+ years and he won't do it for one day. The part about my kids sent me over the edge. My 2 year old tries to skype with him and he interrupts the sweet little voice talking about his trucks to go on and on about politics. Seriously - there is something wrong with him.

[mskitkat]

You are right. He's the one with a problem. You are a saint for putting up with it for as long as you did.

[Pom]

Obviously, he has issues. We are dealing with something similar with FIL, except now FIL has alienated everyone, so at this point, he is totally alone.
My only advice is to limit your contact, if at all going forward. Engage with people who love you. Just because you are related by blood doesn't mean someone should be allowed to verbally abuse you.

[Deleted]

Done. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior, you can only change yours.

I'd be done. No email. No contact until there was an apology. I might tell him that, though.

"I am done with any contact with you until you acknowledge that I am a rational human being and that you are wrong to treat me this way."

[Deleted]

I'd be done too.

My only question is if this is a manifestation of perhaps some other issue, like mental illness or a brain tumor. Has your father always been like this?

[OscarQ]

He sounds very similar to my FIL. I thought he had a brain tumor he was so "off". Things blew up last year, my MIL and FIL went to therapy. Therapist pulled MIL aside and said FIL had narcissistic pd. They split, the kids cutoff contact and life is grand without him.

Nobody misses him or the walking on egg shells around him.

You don't deserve to be treated this way. Cutoff contact and get on with your life.

Edit: "I" thought my FIL had a brain tumor. Didn't mean to imply you thought your dad had one. iPhone flub.

[AAM2012]

While my dad is bad about politics he's nowhere near as bad as yours. Whenever my dad starts talking about politics I interior and tell him we will not talk politics so he needs to change the subject or I will hang up.

Sounds like your situation is more than just politics. I would continue to send pictures via email and just ignore any nasty response you receive.

[vanillacourage]

I would tell him that you and your kids will have no further contact until he apologizes for speaking to you that way. If he does, then I'd just tell him that you'll never see eye to eye on politics so you just can't discuss it with him. Give him a warning then hang up if he starts up on the phone, delete his emails without reading or responding if he sends you trashy forwards.

[rubytue]

It's ok to limit contact. It's ok to put yourself and your kids first. Its ok to take some time and not call, not answer his calls, not respond to his emails. That is totally ok and normal. You need to distance yourself from people who attack you and tear you down. Even if it is a personality disorder. The PD explains, but does not forgive.

Not sure if you saw my post from Friday about my mother. Very similar. It's gone poof now, but the comments are still there. Look down for "estranged parent dying." Even dealing with the emotion now, I'm a happier, healthier person for taking 10 years off.

One bit of advice though, I know you were angry, but engaging with him when he is being spiteful and mean will not be fruitful. It's better to just ignore the crazy emails and not reply. Especially not in the heat of the moment.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 10:08:22 GMT -5 rubytue said:

It's ok to limit contact. It's ok to put yourself and your kids first. Its ok to take some time and not call, not answer his calls, not respond to his emails. That is totally ok and normal. You need to distance yourself from people who attack you and tear you down. Even if it is a personality disorder. The PD explains, but does not forgive.

Not sure if you saw my post from Friday about my mother. Very similar. It's gone poof now, but the comments are still there. Look down for "estranged parent dying." Even dealing with the emotion now, I'm a happier, healthier person for taking 10 years off.

One bit of advice though, I know you were angry, but engaging with him when he is being spiteful and mean will not be fruitful. It's better to just ignore the crazy emails and not reply. Especially not in the heat of the moment.

Agreed. I've never felt so angry. I shouldn't have said anything back but I lost it when he started talking about my kids.

PP: I've thought he had a brain issue but honestly I think I've just never been the target before. I'm sure he's been doing this to peop;le his whole life.

[whitepicketfence]

He sounds a lot like my dad, unfortunately, so I can sympathize.

I would probably cut all ties with him. You don't deserve his verbal abuse.

[GailGoldie]

toxic people don't belong in your life - family or not. I'd cut off all contact with him unless he can get his act together and treat you all with love and respect. Otherwise- why have a relationship with him? b/c he's blood? nah - that's not worth it.

let him know he can cut you out of the will - he can do what he wants with his money... don't accept his threats.

[hannamaren]

Hang out with your brother.
Live it up and love your new family - your husband and kids.

[pugz]

he is emotionally abusive and yeah it's possible there is some mental illness there (borderline personality disorder was my first thought). It doesn't matter what it is though, he is toxic and I think it's smart to limit contact and set firm boundaries.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 9:21:58 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

When I relocated across the country he essentially acted like I did something wrong because I moved away from HIM. When I call him to catch up every week he usually ends the call w/ "I';ll let you get back to your life now". This comment is loaded. Essentially he doesn't know his "role" now that I have a husband and family and my life isn't something he gets to "fix" or actively make decisions about.

In other words, when he couldn't control you anymore he became angry?

He's cut two sons out of his life, now he's going to cut out his daughter. The only people who love him are the ones who come over and pay attention to him.

You aren't the problem here. Sorry

[insominac]

End the relationship.
If you're still feeling conflicted, it might help to talk with a professional.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 13:14:04 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

Aug 5, 2012 9:21:58 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

When I relocated across the country he essentially acted like I did something wrong because I moved away from HIM. When I call him to catch up every week he usually ends the call w/ "I';ll let you get back to your life now". This comment is loaded. Essentially he doesn't know his "role" now that I have a husband and family and my life isn't something he gets to "fix" or actively make decisions about.

In other words, when he couldn't control you anymore he became angry?
He's cut two sons out of his life, now he's going to cut out his daughter. The only people who love him are the ones who come over and pay attention to him.

You aren't the problem here. Sorry

Exactly. As long as I was a young woman who needed advice and did what he thought was best, he loved me. When I grew into an adult woman making choices for myself, he's angry at me all the time and I'm an awful daughter. :S

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 13:20:09 GMT -5 insominac said:

End the relationship.
If you're still feeling conflicted, it might help to talk with a professional.

Thanks - I think I probably should. This type of behavior from both my parents has really messed up my perception of healthy boundaries. I've done an amazing job setting them with my mother over the last few years but this just brings it all back to the forefront.

[hannamaren]

My uncle's kids disowned him when he divorced their mother. They were adults. I used to feel sorry for him. Then he did some stupid things like give them ultimatums while he was being a jerk, etc. Now I get why they did it.

[thegooser]

I had a very similar experience with my father about 9 months ago. My father's always been aggressive and mean, but rarely with me. When I got engaged my father slowly became more and more angry and resentful with me. He got mad that I took my husband's name ("it's not necessary to do that in this day and age"), he started with those same loaded comments you get about my new life, and if I asked his advice he'd poutily ask me why I don't go ask my husband, and so on.

It all came to a head over china. He had stolen the china set from his marriage to my mother out of the house when we weren't home, because his parents gave it to them as a wedding gift and he felt entitled to it. When my mom saw that the china was gone, she sobbed and sobbed, and I felt so afraid because I knew he was coming into the house when we weren't home. He tried to give me 1/3 of the set of china as a wedding gift, which I didn't want because A) it was loaded with bad memories, B) why would I want 1/3 of a set of china?(he wanted to keep 1/3 and give 1/3 to my brother. bizarre...) and C) my apartment is tiny and we don't have room for all our everyday dishes, so we certainly don't have room for china. Anyway, I asked him not to send it to me, but he sent it anyway. He asked me how I liked it a a few weeks later and I thanked him politely for sending it but told him it was packed away in storage because there was no room for it. He BLEW UP at me, called me a filthy fucking bitch, ungrateful, white trash, a terrible daughter, and on and on. Even hung up on me and then called me back and started into me again.

I told him that NOBODY speaks to me that way and I would not be speaking to him again in the forseeable future. I told him that if he ever does it again, I will block his number and email and he will be cut out of my life forever. My rationale is that I know that if he ever does that again, I will be unable to keep him in my life, and it's better to set a hard precedent that I don't tolerate this crap now then to let him do it again and again until the relationship is ruined. I expect that we'll speak again someday, but I don't know when. Since my dad has been such a PITA before this incident, I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. I adjusted really quickly. Hope any of this helps.

[jena]

You are not crazy. I'm surprised you've hung in there this long.

How's your relationship with your brothers? If they are fairly sane, I'd work on building better relationships with them (I'm guessing those relationships may have suffered while you were still on Team Dad).

I know you said you don't like his gf, but are you on speaking terms with her? Does she feel like he's changed? Can she get him to have a medical workup? Honestly, he mostly sounds like he's just an asshole, but if he's changed it'd be sad to see a medical condition like that worsen.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 15:12:49 GMT -5 jena said:

You are not crazy. I'm surprised you've hung in there this long.

How's your relationship with your brothers? If they are fairly sane, I'd work on building better relationships with them (I'm guessing those relationships may have suffered while you were still on Team Dad).

I know you said you don't like his gf, but are you on speaking terms with her? Does she feel like he's changed? Can she get him to have a medical workup? Honestly, he mostly sounds like he's just an asshole, but if he's changed it'd be sad to see a medical condition like that worsen.

Haha. I think he is just as asshole/narcissist. My relationship w/ my older brother is nonexistent - his choice. With my younger brother we have definitely suffered due to a million reasons but most having to do with our parents and all the power struggle. We still talk though - I called him about all this and he is sympathetic, obviously and we are visiting next month.

Dad's gf is no help. She is a huge part of the problem IMO but she's been around so long now I forgot what he used to be like before she came along.

The only person I could talk to about him is maybe my aunt but again, they have a strained relationship over decades of my dad hating her husband..... man, the more I type the more I realize how completely nuts he sounds.....but she might be able to subtly hint that he get some medical exams. Honestly I think it's a personality disorder. I don't imagine he would EVER admit that maybe he could use some self awareness.

[Doggy Mommy]

I think you absolutely did the right thing. You put up with it far longer than many people could have (like your siblings, for instance). He can't handle that he has no control over you. Since he couldn't control your actions since you moved away, he tried to control your thoughts and beliefs. When you made it clear that he wasn't controlling that either, he flipped. My dad also had issues when I moved away and became more independent, so I can kind of understand, though it never got to this point.

My advice would be to enjoy your family, reconnect with siblings, and try to move on. He is the one with the issues, not you.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 15:01:33 GMT -5 thegooser said:

I had a very similar experience with my father about 9 months ago. My father's always been aggressive and mean, but rarely with me. When I got engaged my father slowly became more and more angry and resentful with me. He got mad that I took my husband's name ("it's not necessary to do that in this day and age"), he started with those same loaded comments you get about my new life, and if I asked his advice he'd poutily ask me why I don't go ask my husband, and so on.

It all came to a head over china. He had stolen the china set from his marriage to my mother out of the house when we weren't home, because his parents gave it to them as a wedding gift and he felt entitled to it. When my mom saw that the china was gone, she sobbed and sobbed, and I felt so afraid because I knew he was coming into the house when we weren't home. He tried to give me 1/3 of the set of china as a wedding gift, which I didn't want because A) it was loaded with bad memories, B) why would I want 1/3 of a set of china?(he wanted to keep 1/3 and give 1/3 to my brother. bizarre...) and C) my apartment is tiny and we don't have room for all our everyday dishes, so we certainly don't have room for china. Anyway, I asked him not to send it to me, but he sent it anyway. He asked me how I liked it a a few weeks later and I thanked him politely for sending it but told him it was packed away in storage because there was no room for it. He BLEW UP at me, called me a filthy fucking bitch, ungrateful, white trash, a terrible daughter, and on and on. Even hung up on me and then called me back and started into me again.

I told him that NOBODY speaks to me that way and I would not be speaking to him again in the forseeable future. I told him that if he ever does it again, I will block his number and email and he will be cut out of my life forever. My rationale is that I know that if he ever does that again, I will be unable to keep him in my life, and it's better to set a hard precedent that I don't tolerate this crap now then to let him do it again and again until the relationship is ruined. I expect that we'll speak again someday, but I don't know when. Since my dad has been such a PITA before this incident, I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. I adjusted really quickly. Hope any of this helps.

This is totally something my dad would do too - decide something is really important to him and force everyone else to go along whether it makes any sense or not.