Weekend vents?

[Deleted]

I'm feeling really bummed out this weekend. It is finally beautiful weather, but I feel really down about my life in general right now. I can't believe it is August already and I have yet to do a single "summer" activity - no swimming, no fairs, no concerts, no festivals, nothing. It has been too hot and I'm standing in 2 weddings this fall and my DH is standing in another, so I refuse to spend any money that we don't have to right now.

My family lives in another state (about 4 hours away) and I miss them so much lately. I think it is partly because my DH works nights/weekends and we haven't been getting along great in the last few weeks so I really wish I could go hang out with my family but I can't. They are all going to the state fair on Wednesday and I can't because it is a 4.5 hour drive from here and I have to work anyway. Plus I'm going out of town all weekend and taking 2 vacations days for my friend's bridal shower/bachelorette party so the timing is bad.

I feel like I'm wasting my life out here sitting around my house by myself or with someone who hasn't been any fun to be around lately anyway. I'm scared that I'll never live near my family again and I'm leaning toward not ever having kids which makes me wonder WTF I'm going to do with the next 50-60 years of my life with no family accessible.

[Tea-rific]

I am sorry that you are feeling down. I understand how it feels to be far away from family (my family lives 12+ hours away).

DH is OOT this weekend so I have been on fulltime baby duty since Thursday night. I love my DS but I am ready for a break. This is the third time DH has been OOT in the last 20 days (once for work and twice for pleasure). I sometimes feel that I never get a break from DS... and I get jealous of DH. Then I feel guilty for being jealous and wanting a break. Aye vey!

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 10:30:57 GMT -5 @peggyolson said:

I'm a bridesmaid this month and the bride decided to not get a limo, which is annoying because now we have to drive ourselves to the salon, back to her house, to the church, around for pictures and to the reception. She actually said in the "wedding timeline" (2 page email that she sent out) that she expects my DH to drive me around for all of this. I said that wouldn't happen and I'd carpool with a different bridesmaid.. yikes. He would not be thrilled about being my chauffeur.

Where do you have to go for pictures? That's the only part I'd be really annoyed about - I think driving to the other places is fairly standard isn't it? But I think if she expects you to be driving around in your dress doing pictures, she should provide transportation to do so. Or else just take pictures at the church or reception place. That's annoying she'd assume your DH felt like being a driver.

[krystee]

Hugs to you, bucky. just went through all those emotions when my H was in school or working six nights per week. I live 45 minutes away from friends and family (which isn't far, but on weeknights, I was stuck home alone every night since I had to get home to the dogs). When he was home, he was stressed out and needed to do homework, whereas I wanted to do something fun together. It was really hard on our marriage.

I know this is anti-MM, but I say screw the lack of money situation and make plans to do three really fun, but relatively affordable things over the next month. If you need to pull from savings or put it on a card for one month, consider it an inestment in your sanity and happiness. We did this when we rented a boat this summer for a day, and it's my favorite memory of the year by far. It was the best day I've had in a really long time.

Also, why do you think you won't get to move home? There are a ton of jobs in the Chicago area, and it seems like more companies are hiring lately.

My vent is that I wanted to lose 30 pounds this summer, and instead I weigh the same now as I did in June. My weight loss plan was running, and it's been so effing hot that I've run once all summer. I could have done workout videos and I didn't. I am very mad at myself for squandering all this time.

[whitepicketfence]

({) Bucky (})

[Deleted]

Krystee - if it makes you feel any better, I've been running all summer and haven't lost a single pound yet Granted it has only been 2-3 times a week, but I would have thought if running was going to cause any weight loss I would have seen some progress by now. Guess I'm stuck with changing my eating habits. So don't feel bad about not running!

I am not sure I will ever live near family because my DH is really not wanting to move to the area. His family is in northern Wisconsin/Michigan and he really wants to move to Madison since that is 2-3 hours from both families. Which is a great compromise, Madison is a great area, and we've made our last 2 moves because of me (for grad school and then again for my job here) so it is only fair that he'd have a say in where we live next. But.... my dream for the last several years has been to live close enough to family to randomly hang out and a 2.5 hour drive is still pretty far for that. I don't really know what to do about this. We're going to have to start having a more fulfilling marriage if I'm going to make that sacrifice for him, which I guess is a huge part of what is bothering me right now.

I think you are right about going and doing something fun though! I think we both need it. We always have trouble connecting when we never do anything but work and do stuff we "need" to do and don't get out and have any fun. I wish he wasn't sleeping today (he worked overnight last night) because it would be a great day to do something fun outside.

[honeybee]

Bucky I feel for you. My fiance works nights and we live 9 hours away from both our families.

He's sleeping for his next shift, its gorgeous out and I have nothing to do/no where to go. If we lived near either family I'd have a ton of people to see. It sucks feeling like you're on your own sometimes.

[futurepivko]

Aug 5, 2012 10:30:57 GMT -5 @peggyolson said:

I'm a bridesmaid this month and the bride decided to not get a limo, which is annoying because now we have to drive ourselves to the salon, back to her house, to the church, around for pictures and to the reception. She actually said in the "wedding timeline" (2 page email that she sent out) that she expects my DH to drive me around for all of this. I said that wouldn't happen and I'd carpool with a different bridesmaid.. yikes. He would not be thrilled about being my chauffeur.

The wedding I was just in last weekend didn't have a limo either...I ended up driving around another BM to the church, photos and reception, my H and my parents drove themselves to the ceremony, then met me at the reception in another car. I woudn't expect my H to have driven me around.

[r83]

({) Bucky (})

I was a looooong-time lurker on MM and lurked here after the move but did not even create an account since I figured I would never post here either. I just registered solely to respond to you because I have totally been there and it super sucks.

I won't quote you in case you choose to edit later, but your last line about the next 50-60 years reverberated strongly with me. We live 1,500 miles from my family and will continue to always live far away most likely for my husband's career (right now he's finishing up his PhD). His "family" is pretty much just his mom, and she's also 1,200 miles away but he doesn't have that same desire to be near family as I do. He was also in the "I don't want kids" camp for a while, and I was left wondering WTF I was supposed to do with this life with no kids and no family for the next 50-60 years. The word "fulfilling" was exactly the word I dwelled on often, my life was not at all fulfilling. He was busy with school stuff, I don't have any friends where we live now, my job wasn't fulfilling, etc. etc. Everyday was humdrum, the same and I just couldn't imagine this forever.

From lurking on MM, I also know your backstory and can relate to that to some extent as well. We have had issues that weren't enough to break the marriage but definitely came into play when I was wondering if it was worth it to make this sacrifice of no kids and no family nearby for the rest of my life. But I was 27 and we'd been together 9 years and nothing was bad enough to make starting over at that point seem worth it. Dark, scary time for sure.

All that just to say I know where you are and I'm sorry you're going through this too. Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this? Just getting it out of my head and getting support from people who actually knew me was somewhat helpful, even though mostly it was my decision and my trouble to figure out. Also, I completely agree with previous posters that you need to make an exception and spend a little money on something fun and summery! Could you go to a local fair? It won't be the big fair with your family, but it would be something and wouldn't cost too much if you just wander around and don't buy a lot of over-priced food or anything. Is there any day that you and DH could take a little day trip somewhere nearby? Just something to break the monotony and to get a taste of the summer experience you feel you're missing? Bending the budget a bit is absolutely worth it for the mental boost you will get.

4 hours isn't impossibly far away. Could you go see your family for a weekend? I know sometimes just seeing my family can be a boost for me (after I get over the initial sadness of having to leave them to come back home).

I don't actually know much about how Proboards works, but I think I've seen mention to some sort of PM feature here. Feel free to message me if you want to vent or talk.

In case you want to know, the followup to my story is that the heart of the "WTF am I supposed to do with this unfulfilling life and do I want to stay in this marriage" struggle took place last Spring/Summer but I just was not able to get a point where I felt that leaving was the right choice, so I just waited around and continued on as we had been. Ultimately things got better, we made changes that allowed me to quit my awful job and take a far lower paying one that I find more fulfilling, he changed his mind about kids and we're expecting in February, he's at the very tail end of his PhD now and we're moving next month (not any closer to family but to a new area at least which hopefully will be better for me/us than the isolated tiny area we've been in for 6 years)....we're in a good place now and I feel that staying was the right choice.

The big marriage picture aside, I hope you are able to at least find some small bits of summer happiness soon! Is the weather nice today? Why not just go soak up some sun in a local park, maybe with your dogs?

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 11:13:51 GMT -5 honeybee said:

Bucky I feel for you. My fiance works nights and we live 9 hours away from both our families.

He's sleeping for his next shift, its gorgeous out and I have nothing to do/no where to go. If we lived near either family I'd have a ton of people to see. It sucks feeling like you're on your own sometimes.

Totally sucks! I'm sorry you're in the same boat. Too bad you don't live here (I assume, lol) or we could go do something fun

[Deleted]

r83, thanks for your story. You are so sweet that you came out of lurking just to respond to me! You should post more

That's all definitely where I'm at, and I'm glad to hear that your story has a happy ending! Congratulations on expecting and moving. I hope the next place works out better for you!

I do mostly like where we live, and thankfully I got a new job this past January that I am really enjoying, so that filled a big hole I had felt in my previous job where I really felt like I was spinning my wheels in every aspect. I finally feel like I have a direction in my career and I'm enjoying that immensely. But when I'm not working, I still struggle to figure out what is missing in the rest of my life. I don't think I can fully blame my DH or our marriage for this feeling, but I do think it contributes. The next 50-60 years is a long time to be on "our" own, especially when we're not fully connected and enjoying life together as a couple (though we absolutely do have our moments when we do!).

I am hoping that once DH finishes school and gets off the night shift and we move closer to family (even if it ends up being 2.5 hours from them), we'll come around to wanting kids. I want the idea of kids and a family, but I know I'm not ready for the reality and unless a lot of things change in our life and relationship, I'm not sure we'll ever be ready.

Anyway thanks for making me feel less alone in this thought process.

[FrozenSunshine]

1) DH doesn't seem to give a shit about our upcoming move and it's for his job.

2) I'm annoyed with FB friends and family that have never lived in Chicago or spent a decent amount of time there, warning me of the winters, the heat, the people, the traffic, the commute.

3) It's gorgeous outside and I don't want to do a dam thing but curl up in my house because I'm going to miss this place and can't take it with me.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 12:48:44 GMT -5 FrozenSunshine said:

1) DH doesn't seem to give a shit about our upcoming move and it's for his job.

2) I'm annoyed with FB friends and family that have never lived in Chicago or spent a decent amount of time there, warning me of the winters, the heat, the people, the traffic, the commute.

3) It's gorgeous outside and I don't want to do a dam thing but curl up in my house because I'm going to miss this place and can't take it with me.

Chicago is amazing! It is where my family is, which is ironic given my vents I don't know where you live now but the winters and heat are no better or worse than anywhere else in the midwest or from what I understand the northeast to be like. The people are the best and the traffic and commute stuff doesn't sound any worse than any other city (though I've never lived near any other major cities so I can't really compare that).

So you're going to love it! Are you moving into the city or the suburbs?

[orangeblossom]

I am pissed. DH just told me he helped out MIL with a money situation and didn't tell me, b/c he didn't want to freaking talk about it. Are you kidding me. I had to get off of the phone.

[FrozenSunshine]

Aug 5, 2012 12:54:42 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Aug 5, 2012 12:48:44 GMT -5 FrozenSunshine said:

1) DH doesn't seem to give a shit about our upcoming move and it's for his job.

2) I'm annoyed with FB friends and family that have never lived in Chicago or spent a decent amount of time there, warning me of the winters, the heat, the people, the traffic, the commute.

3) It's gorgeous outside and I don't want to do a dam thing but curl up in my house because I'm going to miss this place and can't take it with me.

Chicago is amazing! It is where my family is, which is ironic given my vents I don't know where you live now but the winters and heat are no better or worse than anywhere else in the midwest or from what I understand the northeast to be like. The people are the best and the traffic and commute stuff doesn't sound any worse than any other city (though I've never lived near any other major cities so I can't really compare that).

So you're going to love it! Are you moving into the city or the suburbs?

Oh bucky, sorry to bring up home! It's good to hear that you actually like it and miss it!

I'm from Alaska, so I don't think Chicago winters are going to kill me

Currently in Seattle, so not nearly as congested as Chicago, but I think I have an idea of how a big city works.

I'm protesting the 'burbs right now, but we're flying out next weekend to check out neighborhoods and see what DH's commute would be like. I'm pretty dead set on being in the city.

[hannamaren]

Bucky, and others, if you are asking yourself if your H is worth any sacrifice, if you are sure you want to live one way forever...? Then please give it the appropriate amount of thought. And not to harp or judge because everyone has issues in their own lives, but saying "we have been together for 9 yrs and starting all over would be work" sounds true but also lame. If you are 30, you could live until 80ish. You have been together 9yrs vs 50yrs left. If you are truly not happy, then change, speak up, something. Dnt kick yourself when you are 70 and it is too late.

But then again, life can be short, enjoy every second. And be a little bit selfish and dont always worry about retirement if it means you are poor today. You could die before retirement.

I hope I havent offended anyone. This comes from a place of caring.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 13:07:32 GMT -5 FrozenSunshine said:

I'm from Alaska, so I don't think Chicago winters are going to kill me

I can't stop laughing at this.

Your Facebook friends are morons.

[Deleted]

And I agree with hanna re the buckybells sitch.

I probably wouldn't say it so nicely, though.

You make your own destiny.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 13:55:18 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

And I agree with hanna re the buckybells sitch.

I probably wouldn't say it so nicely, though.

You make your own destiny.

this thread really makes me nervous, especially with the encouragement from r83. if you feel lonely, empty, and like something is missing in your relationship, it probably is. but you don't have to settle for that for the rest of your life.

I couldn't imagine waiting and hoping for some switch to change, all the while feeling like you are "wasting your life" . do not sell yourself short.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 13:07:32 GMT -5 FrozenSunshine said:

Aug 5, 2012 12:54:42 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Chicago is amazing! It is where my family is, which is ironic given my vents I don't know where you live now but the winters and heat are no better or worse than anywhere else in the midwest or from what I understand the northeast to be like. The people are the best and the traffic and commute stuff doesn't sound any worse than any other city (though I've never lived near any other major cities so I can't really compare that).

So you're going to love it! Are you moving into the city or the suburbs?

Oh bucky, sorry to bring up home! It's good to hear that you actually like it and miss it!

I'm from Alaska, so I don't think Chicago winters are going to kill me

Currently in Seattle, so not nearly as congested as Chicago, but I think I have an idea of how a big city works.

I'm protesting the 'burbs right now, but we're flying out next weekend to check out neighborhoods and see what DH's commute would be like. I'm pretty dead set on being in the city.

LOL it's fine to think of Chicago. One of my favorite places! That's funny people are warning you about winters if you lived in Alaska. I can assure you they must be better than there!

I actually grew up in the suburbs (far northwest, did I see your DH was working in Naperville or am I thinking of someone else?). If we were to move back to the area, we'd definitely live in the suburbs. Nothing beats the city, but I think after spending 30 years at a slower pace the city would be too much for the lifestyle I'm currently striving for. I would have loved it in my 20's and college, though, and my sister lives there now and I love visiting her. I think even the suburbs have a lot to offer and if you can get into one with a short commute and/or good train schedule you'll have access to everything without some of the hassles of living actually in the city.

Have fun on your trip and good luck figuring it out!

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 14:22:46 GMT -5 tacom said:

Aug 5, 2012 13:55:18 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

And I agree with hanna re the buckybells sitch.

I probably wouldn't say it so nicely, though.

You make your own destiny.

this thread really makes me nervous, especially with the encouragement from the r83. if you feel lonely, empty, and like something is missing in your relationship, it probably is. but you don't have to settle for that for the rest of your life.

I couldn't imagine waiting and hoping for some switch to change, all the while feeling like you are "wasting your life" . do not sell yourself short.

Thanks all three of you. I think it's a piece of the puzzle but not the whole thing. I never wanted to live in Iowa, but we live here because of me - I got a job here and moved us here. Then we bought a house which was largely my idea. So my frustration at being far from family is 100% not his fault. With that said, if we don't move closer to family later that will be his fault - lol. I do think I'm getting ahead of myself a bit though because who knows where we'll find jobs or what will happen a few years down the road when we're at a place in our careers where it would be appropriate to move. We need to get more equity in our house before I want to sell it, and I just switched fields earlier this year so I need more experience before I can get the type of job I'd want elsewhere. So moving is at least 2-3 years off.

The rest of it...IDK. I think his getting off night shift would help but it is impossible to say at the moment whether it would help enough. This all has definitely been on my mind a lot lately. I do think we'll be in a better place in a few years but I really have no way of knowing for sure. I'm a big planner so I find that frustrating

[LoveTrains]

Aug 5, 2012 14:22:46 GMT -5 tacom said:

Aug 5, 2012 13:55:18 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

And I agree with hanna re the buckybells sitch.

I probably wouldn't say it so nicely, though.

You make your own destiny.

this thread really makes me nervous, especially with the encouragement from r83. if you feel lonely, empty, and like something is missing in your relationship, it probably is. but you don't have to settle for that for the rest of your life.

I couldn't imagine waiting and hoping for some switch to change, all the while feeling like you are "wasting your life" . do not sell yourself short.

I completely agree with this.
({) bucky (})

It sounds like you are not in the best place right now. Have you considered individual counseling? You shouldn't have to feel that you are "wasting your life."

[FrozenSunshine]

Aug 5, 2012 14:32:20 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Aug 5, 2012 13:07:32 GMT -5 FrozenSunshine said:

Oh bucky, sorry to bring up home! It's good to hear that you actually like it and miss it!

I'm from Alaska, so I don't think Chicago winters are going to kill me

Currently in Seattle, so not nearly as congested as Chicago, but I think I have an idea of how a big city works.

I'm protesting the 'burbs right now, but we're flying out next weekend to check out neighborhoods and see what DH's commute would be like. I'm pretty dead set on being in the city.

LOL it's fine to think of Chicago. One of my favorite places! That's funny people are warning you about winters if you lived in Alaska. I can assure you they must be better than there!

I actually grew up in the suburbs (far northwest, did I see your DH was working in Naperville or am I thinking of someone else?). If we were to move back to the area, we'd definitely live in the suburbs. Nothing beats the city, but I think after spending 30 years at a slower pace the city would be too much for the lifestyle I'm currently striving for. I would have loved it in my 20's and college, though, and my sister lives there now and I love visiting her. I think even the suburbs have a lot to offer and if you can get into one with a short commute and/or good train schedule you'll have access to everything without some of the hassles of living actually in the city.

Have fun on your trip and good luck figuring it out!

Yes, he's the one that will be out in Naperville. His current commute is 45 mins to an hour. We're early 30's, no kids, and going into this we know we won't be there forever, which is why we're looking at the city. I'm use to having 20-30 restaurants within walking distance of my house. We've had season tickets to the Broadway shows in every city we've ever lived in and been able to walk or use public transportation and be there in less than 30 minutes.

I'm not ready to be stuck in the suburbs working from home everyday.

[anna7602]

I am trying to write something under deadline and DD won't go to sleep. It is 10:30 pm here. Just when I thought I had the perfect sentence about to fly out of my fingertips onto the screen, she climbed out of bed and came to join me in our home office.

So, I am now on this board, telling her mommy is working and hoping she'll get bored of hearing me type. I can't concentrate on my own work when she is sitting next to me and asking questions every three seconds.

The combo makes me a sucky mom and a sucky writer. Yay!

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 15:22:23 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

Oh and why the decision for no kids Bucky? Is that a new development?

It has always been a "maybe someday" thing but not a definite. I've gone back and forth a lot over the years - back when I was single and we started dating I was squarely in the "no kids" camp, in the last few years I've been more for the idea of kids but it always seemed so far off. As we keep getting older and not feeling any more ready for kids, I just don't know if I'll start being ready in the next few years either. Then there are other things - like finances, and the fact that I don't know how I could possibly balance being gone 10-11 hours a day like I am now and having the kind of lifestyle I'd want to have with kids. I miss my dogs when I'm not home, I can't imagine how unhappy I'd feel if I couldn't see my child(ren) much during the week. I imagine we'd make it work, but I'm not sure I am ready or willing to make the sacrifices that would be required.

That and while I think DH would be a very fun and caring dad - he's wonderful with the dogs and with other peoples' kids - I don't see him doing half the "work" and that concerns me as well. Add in the fact that we can't seem to figure out how to consistently communicate effectively and I'm not sure we're the best partners to have kids. I can see us having a lot of disagreements and misunderstandings if we're both exhausted and stressed to the max and that's not an environment I want to live in, let alone raise a kid in.

But a part of me thinks I need to get out of my head and that I'm overthinking all of this. I am really not 100% certain whether or not I want to have kids someday, and it seems to change with the way the wind blows. Right now it is blowing in the "no kids" direction. I'm just worried that I'll have regrets if I don't.

Sorry for the book, lol.

[anna7602]

To bucky- I've gone through angst relating to job dissatisfaction and geographic location dissatisfaction and feeling like the things I needed to do to change that quickly weren't compatible to staying with DH in the city where he wanted/needed to be. It's really tough and my best advice is that it's important to talk about it with your spouse and be proactive about where you want to be/where you see yourself and figure out together how you can get there or what compromises you both need to make. It's so easy to just float on the resentment sometimes.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 14:44:31 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Aug 5, 2012 14:22:46 GMT -5 tacom said:

this thread really makes me nervous, especially with the encouragement from r83. if you feel lonely, empty, and like something is missing in your relationship, it probably is. but you don't have to settle for that for the rest of your life.

I couldn't imagine waiting and hoping for some switch to change, all the while feeling like you are "wasting your life" . do not sell yourself short.

I completely agree with this.
bucky

It sounds like you are not in the best place right now. Have you considered individual counseling? You shouldn't have to feel that you are "wasting your life."

I saw a counselor for a while a couple of years ago, but stopped. Honestly I don't think he challenged me enough. I kind of have to be in the right mood to talk honestly about this stuff and usually going in the middle of a workday on a scheduled basis didn't make me in the right mood to feel like I had much to say. It probably wouldn't hurt to give it another try with someone else, though.

[mayflowers22]

I have canker sores spread out all through my mouth :/

[FrozenSunshine]

My moms best friend just told my mom she quit taking chemo amd accepted hospice for her colon cancer. It's been a long road, and they've exhausted their options. She's in her 50s. They give her days.

This comes on the heals of the anniversary of an air plane crash that killed my brothers best friend .tonight is pictures my brother posted of him releasing balloons with his best friends boys, the one balloon my brother was holding while the kid wrote on it said I miss you..

[FrozenSunshine]

Obviously not vents, but put my early comments into perspective.