Hello. I have been on here before, not a regular, but disappeared as I was trying to get my life somewhat sorted out with my H. Long story short, we have been married for 10 years, 2 kids, seperated for one year and then reconciled for a year. Now we are talking divorce again. The problem is I am not in love with this man. He is a narcissist and life hasn't been good for a while now. I am in counseling and he refuses to go until he knows that I am committed to the marriage forever and ever amen. He says once I am in, 100%, then he will go to marriage counseling with me but not until then. He has also said if I say I am in, then I can't leave in 5 years or so if I decide it isn't working. That if I do, he will destroy me in the divorce proceedings and it won't be "pleasant" like it would be now.
This morning we were talking and he told me he is committed to making this work. When it is broken we go and fix it and we don't throw this away. He told me that he wants to be a better husband and wants to be that with me. The trick though is that he says this sort of thing to manipulate me and I usually fall for it. I automatically thought that I don't think I can be the best me with him. Isn't that a problem? I just don't know if I can/will ever love him like he wants and he deserves that. Do I stay out of a feeling of obligation and loyalty and for my kids, or should I just cut ties and get out now? I know no one can answer this or tell me what to do, but any advice is welcome.
"He has also said if I say I am in, then I can't leave in 5 years or so if I decide it isn't working. That if I do, he will destroy me in the divorce proceedings and it won't be "pleasant" like it would be now."
That would be a HUGE red flag. He is trying to get you to make a committment out of fear and intimidation. No one can promise the future or what 5 years will bring. If you are in counseling and willing to work on it that should be enough. I don't think anyone should ever stay out of obligation or loyalty, we all deserve to be happy and if you can't get that from him then you move on. However, if you feel like you can work on it and get those things then sure. What does your counselor say?
He says once I am in, 100%, then he will go to marriage counseling with me but not until then. He has also said if I say I am in, then I can't leave in 5 years or so if I decide it isn't working. That if I do, he will destroy me in the divorce proceedings and it won't be "pleasant" like it would be now.
You're right, no one can tell you what to do. But he sounds manipulating. If he was committed to making your marriage work, he would be in counseling with you right now, not trying to scare you into staying.
Ditto cuddlyevil. If he is committed to making it work, he would go to counseling with you now so you guys could actually try to fix what's wrong. Absolutely do NOT stay just because you feel obligated. If you aren't happy, then why would you want to stay? Your kids are going to see that you aren't happy and that he's manipulative and they're going to think that's how "normal" relationships are.
bl - my counselor suggested a structured seperation, which I thought was a good idea, and that while in this seperation, we abide by guidelines and get counseling. He said no way. I don't know if we worked on this that I could be happy still and that is what I have been trying tell him. I am willing to work and see, but have a huge issue saying no matter what I will stay. I can't live the rest of my life as a lie as I have been for the past 8 years or so and that is what I am afraid of...once I get back in, it will all turn to a lie again and I am just going through the motions, FOREVER.
I am so sorry to hear that he isnt even willing to give the seperation a chance. Obviously no one can tell you what to do, but you have to do what you need to do for you and not feel guilty or bad about it.
Get out, get out, get out. You do realize that he's manipulating you and this is NOT normal behavior. His narcissistic personality and behavior will NEVER change. You deserve better.
I automatically thought that I don't think I can be the best me with him. Isn't that a problem?
Sorry Sway, I was married to someone just like this and I felt the same way. There wasn't room in that relationship for me to really be me. I was too busy being his "sidekick" which is exactly what suited him.
He would get cross and leave periodically and the last time he did it (the evening after we had had a counselling session where I had my first glimmer of hope) I was done. I couldn't let my DS grow up seeing someone treat me like that. Of course he came back a couple of days later expecting everything would be fine.
Coincidentally, even though I was very clear with my intentions when we started dating, I ended up in my parents relationship. My dad was a narcissist and I was never happy with the way he treated my mother but I still ended up there. My stbx on the other hand tried his best to replicate his parents marriage with me, despite saying he wasn't (probably because he let me work outside of his business!)
This is the relationship model your kids will grow up with. That was probably the final tipping point for me. I want better for my son and someone had to break the cycle. Sucks to be me in some ways but I don't regret telling him 'no more'.
Narcissists don't have capacity for empathy, are you happy to live with someone like that forever?
Meet with a lawyer and start getting a plan set to leave him. And the control won't even end when you tell him you want a divorce. It's not going to get better with him.
I agree with everyone else. If he supposedly loves you and wants to work on things, he shouldn't be threatening to destroy you if you decide to go through with leaving. That is a HUGE red flag for me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to get out. Now.
Sorry Sway, I was married to someone just like this and I felt the same way. There wasn't room in that relationship for me to really be me. I was too busy being his "sidekick" which is exactly what suited him.
He would get cross and leave periodically and the last time he did it (the evening after we had had a counselling session where I had my first glimmer of hope) I was done. I couldn't let my DS grow up seeing someone treat me like that. Of course he came back a couple of days later expecting everything would be fine.
Coincidentally, even though I was very clear with my intentions when we started dating, I ended up in my parents relationship. My dad was a narcissist and I was never happy with the way he treated my mother but I still ended up there. My stbx on the other hand tried his best to replicate his parents marriage with me, despite saying he wasn't (probably because he let me work outside of his business!)
This is the relationship model your kids will grow up with. That was probably the final tipping point for me. I want better for my son and someone had to break the cycle. Sucks to be me in some ways but I don't regret telling him 'no more'.
Narcissists don't have capacity for empathy, are you happy to live with someone like that forever?
I could have written this word for word.
I found out that my X was really only happy when I wasn't. He wanted me to just go along with everything he wanted out of life, while sitting in the back seat. No thanks. Oh and working on our marriage was only okay if it was on his terms.
Ack, I'm sorry lovebug, it sucks that there are so many people out there like this.
Thank you ladies. After meeting with my counselor yesterday I started to feel and acknowledge that I need to get out of this in order to protect me. Of course, I told him I was going to leave as he kept asking me what I was going to do, and he immediately started being sweet and fun with me, trying to get me to stay. Then this morning he kept asking what was I going to do, that he couldnt be in limbo anymore and asked me if I loved him. Told him I did, but as a friend. Needless to say, he starts spouting off how that is what marriage is and building on that and how I am giving up and I need to realize marriage isn't perfect. I know he is being manipulative and playing me, but it is pretty hard to stand up against him. He is a master at this.
Post by 1confused1 on Jan 13, 2015 10:29:06 GMT -5
@sway my xh and i separated 3 years ago and he still accuses me of giving up on the marriage and ruining our family. He does not take any responsibility for his part.
@sway my xh and i separated 3 years ago and he still accuses me of giving up on the marriage and ruining our family. He does not take any responsibility for his part.
Get out while you can, this man will not change.
Same here, except we haven't been separated as long.
Even though my stbxh left first, when I told him I was done he went from being nice to flipping the switch and being rude and horrible. He accused me of having an affair or postnatal depression because he just couldn't understand where all the "goodwill" had gone!?! News flash pal, if you continually contribute negatively to your primary relationship and let everything else come first "goodwill" dissipates pretty quickly! Needless to say he had HEAPS of goodwill toward me - maybe because I wasn't an asshole?
Good luck, I think you're making the right decision and you'll feel 100x lighter when you are able to let go. x
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Jan 13, 2015 18:51:43 GMT -5
Hiiiii! I remember you!
I'm sorry your h has continued to suck. You know, lots of people are happy in their marriages. Lots. If everyone had a marriage like yours, no one would bother.
Sorry Sway, I was married to someone just like this and I felt the same way. There wasn't room in that relationship for me to really be me. I was too busy being his "sidekick" which is exactly what suited him.
He would get cross and leave periodically and the last time he did it (the evening after we had had a counselling session where I had my first glimmer of hope) I was done. I couldn't let my DS grow up seeing someone treat me like that. Of course he came back a couple of days later expecting everything would be fine.
Coincidentally, even though I was very clear with my intentions when we started dating, I ended up in my parents relationship. My dad was a narcissist and I was never happy with the way he treated my mother but I still ended up there. My stbx on the other hand tried his best to replicate his parents marriage with me, despite saying he wasn't (probably because he let me work outside of his business!)
This is the relationship model your kids will grow up with. That was probably the final tipping point for me. I want better for my son and someone had to break the cycle. Sucks to be me in some ways but I don't regret telling him 'no more'.
Narcissists don't have capacity for empathy, are you happy to live with someone like that forever?
I could have written this word for word.
I found out that my X was really only happy when I wasn't. He wanted me to just go along with everything he wanted out of life, while sitting in the back seat. No thanks. Oh and working on our marriage was only okay if it was on his terms.
We must have been married to the same man bc mine LOVED making me feel miserable, his opinions/wants were the only ones that mattered and oh yeah working on the shreds of our marriage ha ! His way or the highway - no discussion- dont like it, too bad
Thank you everyone. I appreciate it all. Getting out of this and remembering that who he really is is not the same as who he puts on to be when he wants me staying is going to be the tough part I think.