job related - help me write this email please

[ijack]

I am SOOOOO bad at this stuff.
A job was posted this week that I'm very interested in. Same employeer, but totally different department. It's a 5 year *assignment* for implementation of a HUGE new thing at work and I'm the one who designed the program and even helped with the planning of the whole project (which isn't something our group does at all, it was kind of a special assignment for me since I had specific knowledge that they needed). I'm reaching out to the hiring manager (that I've worked with) and don't know how to word the email (he's in another state so no face to face and the phone will be too hard). Help please!! I think I sound pretty wishy washy in the email but don't really know what I want to say other than "hey, hire me!!" He has some say in who gets an interview, but all applying has to be through our online process.

Dear Joe,
I noticed the PM job that was posted this week and wanted to let you know I was interested in the position. I think my background with xxxx would be especially helpful as you go through the implementation process and was wondering if you thought I might be a good fit. If possible I would appreciate being able to talk to you about your hopes for the position.

Gah, this sounds so lame. Help me please!

[meltoine]

Your draft sounds very wishy-washy. Be more declarative.

"I saw the post for thePM job. I'm very interested in the position. My background with xxx makes me an ideal candidate to manage the implementation process. I'd like to schedule time to talk to you about your expectations of the position and the experience I bring to it. Please let me know a good time for you to meet about this."

[Susie]

I don't like all the noticing, wanting, wondering, hope, and interest.

My style isn't quite as forward as meltoine's (I would not call myself an ideal candidate, just because that's still their decision), but I would couch everything in terms of "here's what I can do for you." I saw the posting, I have these skills, and I can put them to work for you in this role in this specific way. Are you free on any of x, y, z days to discuss?

[y4m]

Hey Joe - I hope you are doing well!

I noticed that the PM job was posted this week, and that you're listed as the hiring manager. I'm not sure if you're aware that I was very involved with the project planning (include specifics, skills, dates--whatever details would jog his memory, demonstrate your involvement, or show you'd be the right person now).

Could we schedule some time to talk about your goals for this new hire? I would be very interested in learning more about the role and discussing whether I might be a good fit given my skills and background with the project.

Best,

ijack

[ESF]

Jan 15, 2015 13:28:14 GMT -5 RockNVoll said:

Joe, I saw the posting for PM of xyz implementation and am very interested in the role. As you know, I designed the program and helped plan this project from the beginning. I think my intimate knowledge of the system and my specialized skill set would be big assets to a successful implementation. Do you have some time in the next few days to discuss this?

This, except I prefer "I believe" to "I think".  To me, "believe" sounds more confident.  

Or:
My intimate knowledge of the system and my specialized skill set may help to assure successful implementation.  

[Deleted]

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

[ijack]

Jan 15, 2015 13:55:02 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

Did it give an alternative? I use this phrase all the time and I want to stop, but don't know what to say instead.

[Deleted]

Jan 15, 2015 14:03:12 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 15, 2015 13:55:02 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

Did it give an alternative? I use this phrase all the time and I want to stop, but don't know what to say instead.

Just get rid of the "I wanted to" and get straight to the point.

So in your email you would just say....."and I'm interested in the position."

[Susie]

Jan 15, 2015 14:03:12 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 15, 2015 13:55:02 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

Did it give an alternative? I use this phrase all the time and I want to stop, but don't know what to say instead.

I agree with what @wandering said in general about the "I wanted..." and "I just..." I used to start emails that way too often and it's a habit I'm on my way to breaking.  Get to it, Susie:  "I'm following up on X," not "I just wanted to follow up with you on X."  There is no reason to be tentative (or verbose) about it.

[LoveTrains]

Jan 15, 2015 13:55:02 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

v mentioned this one day, and I noticed that I was doing this. I now draft an email and invariably go back to the beginning and remove "I wanted to" from the first sentence. 

[ijack]

Jan 15, 2015 14:46:07 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Jan 15, 2015 13:55:02 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

v mentioned this one day, and I noticed that I was doing this. I now draft an email and invariably go back to the beginning and remove "I wanted to" from the first sentence. 

So you don't replace it with anything, just take it out entirely?

[drloretta]

Jan 15, 2015 13:13:37 GMT -5 ijack said:

Dear Joe,
I noticed the PM job that was posted this week and wanted to let you know I was interested in the position. I think my background with xxxx would be especially helpful as you go through the implementation process and was wondering if you thought I might be a good fit. If possible I would appreciate being able to talk to you about your hopes for the position.

Gah, this sounds so lame. Help me please!

Dear Joe,

I saw the posting for the PM job, and I'm very interested in the position. As you know, I was instrumental in developing [system], and I would be a great asset to the team working on [project]. I'm attaching my resume for your consideration. I would love to talk to you more about the position. You can reach me at [e-mail/phone].

Actually I think phone would be even better. This guy knows you, and you can show initiative by reaching out directly over the phone.

GL!!!

[v]

Jan 15, 2015 13:55:02 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

YES YES YES YES. "I just wanted" is ditz speak. Fine in everyday conversation, I suppose, but weak in business.

No alternative, really. Just cut to the chase. "I saw the position and I just wanted to let you know I was interested" can be "I see that the position is listed and am interested in being considered..."

And really, you WANT to let him know and ARE interested. Not past tense.

[LoveTrains]

Jan 15, 2015 14:49:07 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jan 15, 2015 14:46:07 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

v mentioned this one day, and I noticed that I was doing this. I now draft an email and invariably go back to the beginning and remove "I wanted to" from the first sentence. 

So you don't replace it with anything, just take it out entirely?

Exactly, what v said. I really took that heart when she mentioned it and I realized that I do it all.the.time in my work emails. 

[jene]

Jan 15, 2015 15:24:09 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Jan 15, 2015 14:49:07 GMT -5 ijack said:

So you don't replace it with anything, just take it out entirely?

Exactly, what v said. I really took that heart when she mentioned it and I realized that I do it all.the.time in my work emails. 

Me too. Such a hard habit to break

[spunkarella]

Jan 15, 2015 13:55:02 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Others have given you more specific advice about this email, but I'm going to share something that's stuck with me for awhile...

I was reading a book about business and females or something along those lines.

It mentioned that the phrase "I wanted to" or "I just wanted to" is something to avoid. It doesn't sound very professional or command attention.

I've been very aware of that ever since I read that book and I think if helps the flow and my professionalism in emails.

I agree with this. I still use those phrases sometimes, but only when I'm intentionally trying to be "soft." Like today when I needed to ask higher level people about the status of something they were late turning in to me.

[ijack]

I combined parts of almost all the emails above and we have a call tomorrow afternoon! Thank you!!

[WinterWine]

Woohoo go ijack! I hope your meeting goes well tomorrow. You got great feedback, and I've heard everyone reiterate how obnoxious that tentative wording is that I tend to use. Time to break that habit!

[drloretta]

Awesome! Keep us posted

[Deleted]

Jan 15, 2015 15:06:20 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Jan 15, 2015 13:13:37 GMT -5 ijack said:

Dear Joe,
I noticed the PM job that was posted this week and wanted to let you know I was interested in the position. I think my background with xxxx would be especially helpful as you go through the implementation process and was wondering if you thought I might be a good fit. If possible I would appreciate being able to talk to you about your hopes for the position.

Gah, this sounds so lame. Help me please!

Dear Joe,

I saw the posting for the PM job, and I'm very interested in the position. As you know, I was instrumental in developing [system], and I would be a great asset to the team working on [project]. I'm attaching my resume for your consideration. I would love to talk to you more about the position. You can reach me at [e-mail/phone].

Actually I think phone would be even better. This guy knows you, and you can show initiative by reaching out directly over the phone.

GL!!!

I like this version. I might use the phrase "I oversaw development of X" or replace with your role (lead engineer, process expert, whatever) as opposed to "was instrumental". Assuming you did provide oversight.

[ijack]

I talked with him and he was very encouraging. He thinks I would be a really good fit for the position. They took the posting down and now I just wait to see if I get an interview.
Thanks for all the help!

[aurora]

Jan 26, 2015 17:24:47 GMT -5 ijack said:

I talked with him and he was very encouraging. He thinks I would be a really good fit for the position. They took the posting down and now I just wait to see if I get an interview.
Thanks for all the help!

That sounds promising! Good luck.

[drloretta]

Great news! Keep us posted!