@ Sensitive/easily hurt feelings in a kid

[eclaires]

All right, I don't usually post parenting questions here - not because I don't trust y'alls' opinions on the matter, but because I generally feel pretty confident and happy in my parenting.

But I'm lost here.

Jackson starts K full day this month, and I am really, really worried about him. He did fine in preschool, but it was 3 days per week, a smaller group of kids, etc. He is a really outgoing, friendly kid. He loves people and being around them. The problem is - he is really, really sensitive. The best word I can use to describe him is soft. I think things other kids do hurt his feelings more than what is probably normal because he like people so much (at least this is my theory) or because he lacks confidence in himself (which would surprise me).

I am really unsure how to handle this. For one, it is pretty much the opposite of my personality. I tend towards being shy (but I'm really just judgmental and superior - I'm only kind of kidding). I've never really been a super social people lover. So if some kid was mean to me, it didn't affect me b/c I was probably already sure they were a dummy.

I've noticed this with him on and off over the past two years with him and his BFF. His BFF is regularly pretty manipulative/not nice to him, but Jackson seems willing to do whatever to keep playing with him. We've tried to get him to not give into his friend's "well if we don't do what I want, I'm not your friend," stuff, and limit their playtime. But it hasn't really changed things.

Today we went to the gym, and the kids went to the childcare area. When I came to get them, they were both crying (Scarlett was crying though b/c she wanted to put her shoes on and they can't wear shoes in the play area). Jackson told me that the reason was because two kids were being mean to him and told them they were in jail and wouldn't let them out of a certain area. Y'all, he was sobbing over these kids being mean to him, and his feelings were just so hurt.

I guess my question is - WWYD? Should I try to "toughen" him up? How would I even do that? Should I just let it go and try to build up his confidence? How?

I'm a little worried that K is going to be the death of my sanity with how much I'm worrying over all of it.

[Deleted]

Yeah, there is no toughening them up anyway. It would just make him feel worse. Kids like sweet Jackson are pretty much incapable of being "tougher" as it were without feeling bad about it. And we don't want him to feel bad for being awesome.

The flip side of sensitive is compassionate and you don't want him to lose the compassionate side of him.

What you do want is to empower him. Encourage him to speak up for himself if not to the little assholes of the world, than to teachers, caregivers, monitors, etc. You'll even have to supply the exact words for him and then accompany him to deliver them.

At least that's what I do with peteybird. I give him the words and phrases he needs and where to apply them. Then help him so that he'll know what to do in the future.

[eclaires]

Thanks, SBP. That's what my initial thought was. I love who he is, and I want to cry thinking about him being made to feel badly for who he is and thinking he has to change. Plus, I'm not sure I'd even know where to start with "toughening" up. Neither MH nor I are into that type of parenting. It's just not us.

My MIL is convinced he is going to be bullied in school, which hasn't helped my weak grasp on sanity.

Hopefully I don't end up in jail for storming the school if he comes home crying.

[copzgirl1171]

Aug 6, 2012 13:04:32 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Do not "toughen" him up!! Talk to him. Keep him talking. Give him words to explain his emotions and a "safe place" to discuss them. Help him understand why people act the way they do and let him know that it's not him, it's them.

This to the letter. Copzson was such a fragile soul but I didn't want him to be who he wasn't or couldn't be. It worked out best to just support him and be there for him.

Jackson will find his way, you have my promise. Just be there to comfort the bumps along the way.

*hugs*

[eclaires]

Thanks, Habbsies! I will work on that with him.

And before I do that, I will come up with better phrases than my catchall of "fuck off."

[Deleted]

If it helps, peteybird is almost eleven and he's never been bullied. A couple assholes have said a few out of order things now and then but he isn't bullied. In fact, everyone loves this kid, especially the little girls. It's because he's just a nice kid. Just as Jackson is a nice kid.

Pinky, otoh, I've had to step in and talk smack to some budding little hussies. Pinky can be tough and rough but little girls can be assholes, trust. Argh!

[eclaires]

Thanks, copz! It's good to know that it's not going to ruin his life. I mean, I see so many positives of his type of personality - I just hate to see him hurt. It's heartbreaking to see him get so upset by little asshole kids.

[eclaires]

That does make me feel better... plus, I need to remember my MIL is insane. And all the little kids in his preschool class loved him too, so hopefully he can make some good friends in K, too.

I joke that I'm not scared about Scarlett and mean girls, b/c she's a mean little thing. But girls are pretty terrifying, I won't lie.

[meg]

Aug 6, 2012 13:18:36 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Aug 6, 2012 13:09:42 GMT -5 eclaires said:

Thanks, SBP. That's what my initial thought was. I love who he is, and I want to cry thinking about him being made to feel badly for who he is and thinking he has to change. Plus, I'm not sure I'd even know where to start with "toughening" up. Neither MH nor I are into that type of parenting. It's just not us.

My MIL is convinced he is going to be bullied in school, which hasn't helped my weak grasp on sanity.

Hopefully I don't end up in jail for storming the school if he comes home crying.

Jesus Christ, I want to punch your MIL for even saying that to you. The whole bullying topic is so loaded. No one wants their kid to be a bully and no one wants their kid to get bullied. And making a parent fear that their child *could* become one or the other is just thoughtless to the point of cruel.

I think HAB has it right with "empowering" him. Make an extra effort to talk about things that he's good at, that make you proud of him. Maybe participate a little bit more in supervising his friendships. PTS has a frenemie and it's a lot of the same stuff that Jackson is getting from those boys, but PTS is not as "sensitive" to it and she can dish it out, too, so my focus is generally on telling her that the behavior is not acceptable from her "friend" so it's not acceptable from her either...

You might also make sure he's involved in activities that he excels at. Things that make him kind of the big fish in the small pond. Again, just to give him a sense of pride.

Also, and maybe this will be an UO, but I think teachers are willing to tolerate more cruelty between boys than between girls because there's a feeling that boys should be able to deal with it. So, I guess if an actual problem pops up in the classroom, I just wouldn't hesitate to talk to the teacher about it and don't let her put you off with the whole, "Well, boys this age...." There's a lot of behavior that is completely age appropriate that is not tolerable and it seems like people have a hard time with that concept. We don't want 25 year old boys acting like 7 year old boys, so we tell them that their 7 year old behavior is not acceptable. This includes them picking on other boys till those other boys break down crying.

Yeah, I'm a helicopter mom. Whatever.

I like all of this. And am reading this thread and committing to memory because I feel this may be Henry in a couple years. I have ALREADY seen him approach other little kids and get kinda shot down. Tear!

And yeah little boys and the educational system in elementary especially? STRONG feelings on that as well.

[eclaires]

Aug 6, 2012 13:18:36 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Aug 6, 2012 13:09:42 GMT -5 eclaires said:

Thanks, SBP. That's what my initial thought was. I love who he is, and I want to cry thinking about him being made to feel badly for who he is and thinking he has to change. Plus, I'm not sure I'd even know where to start with "toughening" up. Neither MH nor I are into that type of parenting. It's just not us.

My MIL is convinced he is going to be bullied in school, which hasn't helped my weak grasp on sanity.

Hopefully I don't end up in jail for storming the school if he comes home crying.

Jesus Christ, I want to punch your MIL for even saying that to you. The whole bullying topic is so loaded. No one wants their kid to be a bully and no one wants their kid to get bullied. And making a parent fear that their child *could* become one or the other is just thoughtless to the point of cruel.

I think HAB has it right with "empowering" him. Make an extra effort to talk about things that he's good at, that make you proud of him. Maybe participate a little bit more in supervising his friendships. PTS has a frenemie and it's a lot of the same stuff that Jackson is getting from those boys, but PTS is not as "sensitive" to it and she can dish it out, too, so my focus is generally on telling her that the behavior is not acceptable from her "friend" so it's not acceptable from her either...

You might also make sure he's involved in activities that he excels at. Things that make him kind of the big fish in the small pond. Again, just to give him a sense of pride.

Also, and maybe this will be an UO, but I think teachers are willing to tolerate more cruelty between boys than between girls because there's a feeling that boys should be able to deal with it. So, I guess if an actual problem pops up in the classroom, I just wouldn't hesitate to talk to the teacher about it and don't let her put you off with the whole, "Well, boys this age...." There's a lot of behavior that is completely age appropriate that is not tolerable and it seems like people have a hard time with that concept. We don't want 25 year old boys acting like 7 year old boys, so we tell them that their 7 year old behavior is not acceptable. This includes them picking on other boys till those other boys break down crying.

Yeah, I'm a helicopter mom. Whatever.

My MIL is kind of an asshole who gets her expertise from Dr. Oz and The Chew, so I also need to remember to ignore her when she's being crazy and sending me articles on bullying she cut out of the paper.

And I'm 100% okay with being a helicopter mom when it comes to this kind of thing. I'm pretty sure the school has already designated me as such anyway since I dropped off a letter from his pediatrician about his red/green colorblindness. I will not hesitate to be a crazy mom if I feel like the teacher isn't addressing my concerns or thinks it's nothing if it happens. I think MH would maybe have to bail me out of jail...

I do agree we should find something that he does well/enjoys to help. I think that would help a lot. We've been tossing around the idea of a tennis group/clinic - he's shown interest in tennis and I think it's something he would enjoy and do well.

[cookiemdough]

Your son sounds a lot like my DS. I do what HAB mentioned. If he tells me something about someone hurting his feelings then I ask him how he handled it and maybe offer some additional words he can use to stand up for himself if he thinks he is being taken advantage of. I have found that when we put him in spring sports he gained even more confidence. If there is some sort of team activity you think he has an interest in then sign him up! Of course no more than one because then the mommy war articles will state you are no longer letting your kid be a kid!

[eclaires]

meg - isn't it the saddest little thing when they get shot down?

What I love about Jackson is he is genuinely thrilled to play with any kid, even if they are much younger. It's the sweetest thing, and he's always been like that. He will happily play with baby toys if we have a friend with a baby visiting. He always includes Scarlett when he's at the playground and is playing with older kids. I'm proud that he's like that and I don't want him to lose that.

So I'm really glad the advice isn't to toughen him up.

[eclaires]

haha, my laziness keeps me from doing more than one. I do remember that he was somewhat better about standing up for himself during spring baseball - it was something he enjoyed and was pretty good at. It really built his confidence to see major improvement in various areas on the field. It's been a few months since it ended, though.

[teflep]

I dont think it is being a helicopter mom to be in tune with your child as you are their best advocate, especially at htis young age. Just know that some kids may be mean to him, while others who are more sensitive (to use your word) than he may find him being mean to them. Just being there is great, empowering him to be in tune with himself and know the difference between bullying and just being mean. I get a lot of parent calls and bullying is the major issue. But, not all things presented are bullying...more often than not it is just being mean. There is a difference and not all parents grasp it. He is no more likely to get bullied than anyone else, your MIL is a cray cray.

LT is very much a loving child now...giving hugs to his little friend every time they see each other, smiling and waving at strangers, etc so I hope he stays like this and not like some of the examples I see in my schools' halls.

[summer]

I wish Jackson and my DD could have a playdate.

Thanks for posting this. DD is the same way and it drove me absolutely batty. Kids would stomp on her feet or trip her, and she wouldn't say boo. She would cry and be utterly confused which broke my heart and made me want to snatch those kids by the throat.

In the past year of school she has grown a lot in this area. She is still extremely sensitive and it's constantly on our radar. But as of now I'm in the camp of just talking things through with her, because like Habs said, compassion is awesome and she's just so sweet, I don't want to change that.

I am teaching her to express herself, stand up for herself, and defend herself if necessary. We are doing a Kidpower workshop at school in a few weeks that talks about self- awareness and confidence (www.kidpower.org-I think) I'll let you know how it goes, if that helps.

I've really taken to heart the advice that I do have to let her find her way to some extent, outside of what we teach her, but it's hard admittedly. As long as I'm there for her and she knows she can come to me, I think she'll figure it out.

It's really hard. I feel you. Hugs.

[eclaires]

Thanks, summer! That really helps a lot to hear that. I do not want to change him - I just don't want him to be so hurt. I love how sweet and kind he is, and the idea of him not being that way is so sad to me.

I fully admit, too, that it is super hard for me to let go. I'm struggling with him starting his school career, in general, and the idea of him being hurt while I'm away from him is making me even nuttier than usual.

And definitely let me know how the workshop goes. I'll check out their website, too.

[ringstrue]

I'm a bit confused - I just wanted to clarify - you said he wouldn't let the kids out of a certain area and then was sad when they didn't want to play with him?

I wonder if he would benefit from a bit of parent/adult/camp counselor-type led play with other kids where he can learn how to have the necessary conversations and negotiations with other kids to manage play better?

[summer]

It's not nutty at all to feel that way.

I was just thinking of a conversation DD and I had yesterday that made me feel she'll be okay.

She's almost 4 1/2 and the girls are already doing that whole "you can only come to my party if Cool Girl says" and while DD hangs in that group Cool Girl is not a friend of hers. At breakfast she says, "Mommy, I don't understand. Sometimes Josina says I can go to her party and the next day she says I can't". I was quiet and just let her think about it. Then she says, "she just doesn't make any sense. So I guess I'm not going" (said very matter-of-factly). It made me feel good that she realized Josina doesn't make sense and didn't think it was her. I thought it was pretty mature.

ETA: I say that to say I think teaching Jackson to be empowered and know the problems lie with other people, not him, could really help.

[eclaires]

sorry if that was confusing - He was the one "in jail" and the mean kids wouldn't let Jackson and Scarlett out of a certain play area. Not the other way around. He's actually really wonderful at playing with other kids and good about including others/doing what they want to do.

Summer, I agree. I think I will work on that with him. I want him to realize that it's great to be nice to other people and that if other kids are being mean, it's not something anyone wants to be around. It doesn't reflect on him if someone's being mean - it's them.

[eclaires]

And I love that convo you had with her - not b/c there's already mean girls, but that she took it very matter of factly and kind of like the other girl was the one who was wrong by not making any sense.

[ringstrue]

ahhh ok I see this whole thing makes a lot more sense now, lol.

[Michelle]

My DD is a lot like Jackson. Wants to play with everyone, wants everyone to be friends, etc. There are some little bitches in her class though - already doing the hen pecking. The boys all like my DD, probably because she is nice, will play boy games, and she is pretty (and had very long gorgeous hair until she asked to cut it so I think the girls were jealous of her hair as well... especially one who brought a rapunzel wig to school regularly).

M was coming home crying every day about J&E picking on her, getting other girls to not play with her, etc. At first I was very sensitive and upset that she was being bullied. After about 2 straight weeks of trying to tell her to be strong I went to the school Director about it and she went to work observing the behaviors. Her observations helped me in my conversations with M.

Also it almost came to a point where M thought I wanted to hear about the mean things J&E were doing. She was getting more attention from that. So we reshaped our talks when I pick her up. Now I ask her to tell me her 3 favorite things that happened that day. I don't ask about whether anyone got along. If it is significant she tells me. If it wasn't she just focuses on the positive. And we are a praying family so we say prayers of thanks at night for those 3 favorite things. Once we did that for a while, things turned around.

M is still very sensitive. I think she always will be. I am very sensitive so she comes by it honestly. But focusing on the positive things that will happen in the coming day seems to empower her, like Habs recommended.

The other day we were talking about her bff Maya and her other buddy Michelle. I said, "M, you don't mention J&E much anymore. Are they still at your school?" She said, "Yes. But when I play with them they always want to be mean. I don't have time for that. So I play with the friends I get along with."

She had no concerns about being bullied. She wasn't sad about it. She felt strong and empowered and not afraid to talk to me about it.

Keeping the lines of communication open as recommended by PP's has worked for her, so I can't recommend it enough!

[IIOY]

This was my DD starting about two years ago. I was in agony over her sensitivity because the child got bent out of shape if a friend so much as looked at her funny. It was heartbreaking to me and I've lost a lot of sleep worrying that she is going to spend her entire childhood getting hurt.

I haven't read through the responses, so I apologize if this has been covered, but basically we had a lot of conversations where we discussed what she could say to other kids when she felt as though she wasn't being treated well. Some of it amounted to her just having to suck it up because, let's face it, sometimes she is being hypersensitive, and some of it was more aggressive and/or pro-active. The one lesson I keep hammering away at is that she doesn't have to take poor treatment. If she doesn't like how she is being treated, she needs to walk away. SHE has all the power to control her own situation and SHE needs to exert it.

FWIW, these talks seem to be having an impact. She is still a very sensitive child, and goodness knows I continue to worry, but I've seen her be more stoic when confronted by another child. She has also told me of instances where she has simply walked away because she thought someone was being mean to her, and I've see this happen as well. Baby steps.