Charlotte has a friend issue

[cleo29]

There is a little girl she is friends with who, over the last year or so, has said or done things that are a bit hurtful. Such as, totally ignoring my daughter at her (the little girl's) birthday party. Saying things like, "I am not going to play with you anymore because you're a baby." She is maybe 4 months older than C.

Most of the time I don't step because I just think this is kids being kids. But, we had her over here yesterday and she nearly had C in tears at the end. Again saying things like she was not going to be friends with C anymore, taking over everything and she has made comments when K wants to see what they are doing.

By the way this is the daughter of my friend who is always saying something negative about my weight loss or what I am doing for those that might remember. As far as I know, my friend is unaware of all of this. I am not the most confrontational person, but I also don't like that my daughter is repeatedly being told she is a baby, the girl won't be her friend, etc and getting her feelings hurt.

[candyland]

You both have a friend issue.

[Moe]

Unfriend.

[FastHands]

Why are either of you hanging out with these ppl?

[hopecounts]

I'd distance myself and C from them.
They aren't really friends if they are mean so I wouldn't spend time on or with them.
If C is old enough I'd use this as an opportunity to teach her the difference between a friend and a frenemy.

[fivechickens]

Sounds like the friend is following in her mom's footsteps. Like mother like daughter.

I would not to be friends with the mom or the my child be friends with her child.

[Muddled]

Cleo, you are the sweetest person ever. Stand up for yourself and teach C that It's okay to stand up for herself. It's going to be okay, but C is best served if she learns this lesson early.
I also don't think you would be completely out of place sticking your nose in once in a while- especially where K is involved.

[cbwm1]

Yeah, between the kid and her mom, it might be time to start distancing yourself.

[cville]

I'd drop them both like the bad habit they are.

[olive]

Something similar occurred with my daughter and a little neighbourhood friend this summer. My DD was frequently in tears after playing with this friend and it became tiresome for both me and my DD. Luckily, I was not really friends with the girls' mom and did not have that dynamic to deal with. I was able to talk with my DD and get her to realize that you shouldn't be in tears after playing with a friend. That is not a true friendship. My DD (who is relatively shy and timid) was eventually able to stand up for herself and shut the friendship down.

I would have a discussion with your DD and remind her of how she feels when she plays with her other friends vs. how she feels when she plays with this particular little girl. It may take a while but she will recognize that it is not a positive friendship. In the meantime, I would limit the interactions between the girl/mom and your family. Nobody has time for toxic friendships. It doesn't matter if you are 5 or 35.

[ECB]

I'd definitely stop spending time with them. And depending on what my child says to me, how they seem to feel, I'd also have no problem saying "Some people just aren't nice. So, we don't have to spend time with them if we don'twant to. It's our choice.". Ive basically said this to D in reference to one neighbor girl who was being really mean to him.

But I do also agree with arming your DD with certain words and phrases that she can say to this girl. She does need to learn how to fend for herself and her feelings.

[Booze Raccoon]

I've had similar issues with a girl in DD's ballet class.  I actually like the mother but something isn't right with her kid because she's always mean.  

If I were you (I'm not confrontational either) I'd just distance myself from both of them for awhile.

[Deleted]

Unfriend them both. Nothing good can come of this "friendship" with either of them. Nobody will come in my house and insult me and my child and be welcome to come back ever. Get rid of that dead weight.

[LeggsBenedict]

I had a friend like this for the longest time. it felt SO GOOD to drop her. I didn't for years because I was worried about hurting her feelings, but it was instant relief when I decided I was finally done.

that sounds mean. whatever!

[sarahbear]

It's one thing to allow yourself to be treated this way, but to allow your daughter to be treated this was is sad. Please distance yourselves from these unkind people.

[Deleted]

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Ditch these people, pronto.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't put your daughter in that position. She's being hurt. Don't do play dates with this particular girl.

[Deleted]

Jan 26, 2015 10:23:58 GMT -5 sarahbear said:

It's one thing to allow yourself to be treated this way, but to allow your daughter to be treated this was is sad. Please distance yourselves from these unkind people.

Well that escalated quickly.

I like the suggestion that you tell your daughter to say to the girl that that's not being a good friend. Maybe your D just needs a little confidence to stick up for herself? Poor poodle.

[sparkythelawyer]

You need to stop being available for playdates with these winners.

[sarahbear]

Jan 26, 2015 10:31:28 GMT -5 @damnation said:

Jan 26, 2015 10:23:58 GMT -5 sarahbear said:

It's one thing to allow yourself to be treated this way, but to allow your daughter to be treated this was is sad. Please distance yourselves from these unkind people.

Well that escalated quickly.

I like the suggestion that you tell your daughter to say to the girl that that's not being a good friend. Maybe your D just needs a little confidence to stick up for herself? Poor poodle.

My statement wasn't meant in a mean spirit. My point is that her daughter is a child and needs help navigating people like this. Help her know that it's ok to not be friends with mean people.

[lissaholly]

We have had similar issues, but with kids at school so that distancing isn't an option. We have had to have a lot of talks about it being okay to say "no" if done so nicely to let kids know you want to play with someone else at recess or picking partners in class. We have also explained that it is okay to hear " no"- it doesn't mean you are not likeable or a good friend. It's a really tough lesson but one they have to learn as young as kindergarten:(. It is also really hard to teach some kids to recognize when kids are being mean or when they are just being honest.

Work on bolstering Charlotte's confidence and role play responses to this friend when she says something mean. These are the best tools you can give her.

ETA: I was coming from a standpoint that interaction with this girl is unavoidable. Avoid her if you can. If you do avoid though, and C asks for play dates, you can walk through the last time she cried after a play date and ask if she still wants a play date. She needs to make a connection that she should not have friends that make her cry.

[cville]

Listen, my earlier response came off a little glib. I know that you're hurting for your girl, and that you're annoyed/hurting for yourself too, and I'm not trying to be dismissive. And I know that it's ridiculously hard to make friends as an adult. But right now, she's no friend to you and she's training her spawn to be a bully and therefore no friend to C. You all don't need them. You're better off alone.

If you just gradually let these people go and let other people into your life, you will be happier for it. I did this with a friend (my FIRST friend here, I was very sentimental about it). In the long run, I knew that she wasn't good for me and vice versa. As it turns out, dropping her allowed me to become closer to our mutual acquaintance, since when the acquaintance and I started to get together alone without Toxic Sally we realized how much WE had in common. She's now my closest local friend.

[cleo29]

I do like the idea of teaching her the power of words for good, when standing up for oneself. The crux here, is that she wants to be friends with her still. I know H is sensitive to this in particular since he was subjected to YEARS of being bullied.

I will reach out to the mom and also go over with C about telling this little girl she is not being a good friend when she says hurtful things. I think this is also a lesson for C to mind her words too. She can tend to be a bit bossy or points out when a friend cannot do something, which can be hurtful.

And I am learning that there is drama in the preschool with C now having TWO boyfriends and the first is not happy about the new comer on the scene. lol

[ECB]

There are kids Ds says he wants to be friends with. As long as I keep him busy with other kids, he usually "forgets" and eventually moves on.

[my3boyz]

It sounds like this is a case of "like mother, like daughter" for all of you. Her daughter has picked up on how her mother treats people and is following suit. Your daughter has also picked up on how you allow yourself to be treated (and I do mean that in the nicest possible way) and is also following suit.

I get that it's easy to not cause waves when an otherwise good friend is hurtful but it might benefit your daughter to see you be more assertive in sticking up for yourself too. I'm not saying you should end the friendships because I don't know the extent of the hurtful comments, that's for you to decide. You can however let your friend know that her non-supportive comments are hurtful and need to stop. And then you can teach your daughter to do the same.

*Disclaimer- not sure if I used the correct spelling for "suit" but I couldn't think of another one. Feel free to school me.

[idoinjuly]

Unfriend both of them! It's taken me decades to learn to only surround myself with friends who have a positive impact on me and who make me happy. I try to teach my daughter to not waste her time with friends who say mean things and do mean things. Good friends are not supposed to make you feel bad. There are too many other good people.

[idoinjuly]

Also, call me a helicopter parent, but if I hear a kid being mean to my kids under my watch, I have no problem telling them that that's not a kind way to speak to a friend.

[cleo29]

Jan 26, 2015 15:30:46 GMT -5 idoinjuly said:

Also, call me a helicopter parent, but if I hear a kid being mean to my kids under my watch, I have no problem telling them that that's not a kind way to speak to a friend.

I did not hear these comments yesterday. I was upstairs and they were playing in the basement. I am like you, when I hear things or see things that are not right and reprimanding the behavior whether it is my saying or doing something or her friend.