Post by justbecause on Jan 27, 2015 13:22:17 GMT -5
I think I would give it time and counseling but if you can't stand spending time with someone I'm not sure you can bounce back from that. As for staying together for the kids....I am a mother but I also am a person. Everyone deserves to be happy. And you aren't doing kids any favors by being uphappy. I think an open marriage has the possibility of being confusing for everyone.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Jan 27, 2015 13:59:11 GMT -5
Another consideration that I don't think anyone has brought up yet and might not be the most popular opinion: would it be any better on 'her' own than in the current marriage? I have a few divorced friends with young kids, and MAN, being a single parent is hard. While I get wanting to be happier, it's hard to find that happiness and fulfillment that I imagine being in an ok relationship with a partner who you are no longer passionate about and attracted to is hard to find when you are so busy/worn out/stressed that you are just surviving and keeping it together for your kids.
I guess my first question would be if they couple wanted to stay in the marriage. if not, counseling is only delaying the inevitable.
I would not stay in a marriage like that. I deserve to be happy and enjoy my family\marriage. I look ahead to when kids are adults. do I want my dh there with me?
i do think te love can come back though. obviously you loved each other once. so If you want it to work I think you absolutely can get it back.
Post by amynumbers on Jan 27, 2015 14:46:51 GMT -5
If I felt that way, I'd definitely way to try counseling and very else I could. But if that didn't fix it, yup I'd leave. Or want to be left. Life is too short for that nonsense, and a loveless marriage isn't a good set-up for kids.
Post by notreallyirish on Jan 27, 2015 14:48:20 GMT -5
Thanks ladies. There is a lot to think about here. I'm not in a place where I can really expand on this right now, but I really appreciate your thoughtful responses.
You have highs and lows. There are days I look at DH and think how lucky I am and other days where his breathing annoys me.
Sounds like they need time together to respark something they once had. Counseling. Date night. Talking. If one of them is feeling like that, the other is too or at least picking up on it. It's horrible for both involved.
Tell whoever this is to talk to their SO! I'd hate to be married to someone I thought loved me & turned out they didn't & were 'playing house' with me for so long.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jan 28, 2015 13:41:49 GMT -5
I agree that it's overdue that she discuss this with him and discuss counseling, stat. His reaction and willingness will play a huge part in whether it can be saved or not.
I think she should give it a real shot to work on getting it back. Unhappy people tend to make rash decisions and believe that will make them happy. I don't have a citation but I just read something about it.
On the other hand, she shouldn't be a martyr. Set a timeframe like 6 months or a year and go all in. Truly work. Go outside her comfort zone. Work with the husband. Then hopefully they will both be happier.
You have highs and lows. There are days I look at DH and think how lucky I am and other days where his breathing annoys me.
Sounds like they need time together to respark something they once had. Counseling. Date night. Talking. If one of them is feeling like that, the other is too or at least picking up on it. It's horrible for both involved.
Tell whoever this is to talk to their SO! I'd hate to be married to someone I thought loved me & turned out they didn't & were 'playing house' with me for so long.
This.
I have been married 17 years. We are very much in love with each other, but there have been highs and lows. When he can make me want to punch him in the nose for something so silly...but I am so blessed to have a guy that is so freaking great to me, and our kids. When the lows keep coming, then reevaluate. Dates, talking, remember that the guy you fell for is still in there somewhere...remember why you originally wanted to be with him. Kids are really smart, and can usually pick up on feelings.
Hmm. That situation sounds rough. If person A is truly feeling that they don't enjoy spending time with person B, how do you come back from that? And does person B have any idea s/he is not wanted?
I have gone through periods of depression where it felt like my H was just a roommate. I didn't want sex, or good conversation, or happiness or anything. It wasn't an "us" problem, it was a "me" problem, and he was clueless. I have also gone through times where not having a life outside "mom" (income, fulfilling career, hobbies, friends) really made me miserable (again, not WANTING to be happy). NOT the time to make permanent decisions.
Individual counseling sounds like a great first step, as well as a long talk followed by couples counseling. But if the feeling is mutual ("I'm not attracted to you and I don't enjoy your company"), then that's a pretty clear sign that things are never going to be how they were. If it's one-sided, then what really changed there?