If I am really sick DH will do his best to get home. Unfortunately the two days I really needed help this year (the worst day of the flu, and a stomach virus) he was OOT for a funeral and it was a day he couldn't take off. Figures.
I do think you need to make a bigger deal out of being sick, rather than carrying on: caring for DD: yes grocery shopping because we were out of everything: nope. Tell DH to do it and order a pizza. cooking meals: nope cleaning the kitchen: nope bath and bedtime on my nights: nope nope nope
If you feel like crap, do the bare minimum and stop covering his ass. Force him to step it up.
All of this.
But also if you can afford it getting a babysitter for the day (or few days) so you can get a break.
I would be so frustrated in your position. DH already annoys me with his "man colds". When he's sick, the world stops. When I'm sick, nothing changes. I'm not a SAHM, I work PT and my mom watches DD for me, and I'm lucky in that I rarely get sick, so this hasn't come up many times for us. In your case, I would tell him that when you ask him to stay home, it's because you really need him to. If he can't honor your request, you'll be hiring someone to fill in on those days when it's just not possible for you to do everything yourself.
I have literally just had this argument with DH. I was sick for 5 days before Christmas and he did not take any tkme off. My mother did come to help.
He's been sick for 9 days now, hasn't gone to work and has been totally useless. It's made me really cranky towards him simply because I didn't have that option.
Post by carolinagirl831 on Jan 27, 2015 12:31:27 GMT -5
Yeah I'd be having a serious talk with him. It's one thing if he truly can't get off for an important meeting or whatever. but if he takes off whenever he feels the least bit off, you deserve that too. He's got to see that is completely unfair. In fact, maybe leave dd with him for a few hours while he's not feeling well. See how that feels!
Post by chickens987 on Jan 27, 2015 13:08:04 GMT -5
Yeah, no. You aren't being overdramatic, but you need to do something about this. How much does he solo parent? Sometimes I think people think that being home with a toddler isn't that "taxing", especially when you can pop a movie on. They need to experience it to really get it.
I HATE the suggestion of backup care or a babysitter, because it lets him off the hook. If he were in a job where it was impossible to take off last minute, fine. But you've established that he's not. So he needs to step up. Maybe you need to give yourself a certain number of sick days (that you and he agree on) and when you request one, he agrees, no questions asked. You decide what's worth you taking a day off for, and you get to use those days however and whenever you see fit.
My dh has very limited sick days so he can't relieve me (and he goes in sick too unless he's vomiting) but he will go in maybe an hour late and come home a little early and will make or pick up dinner or do chores around the house if I ask him to. I think your dh is being selfish.
I would be lighting shit on fire level of angry if this double standard was tried in my house. Livid, beside myself mad. If I'm sick, DH stays home just like he stays home when he's sick. Just a few weeks ago he left for work not realizing that I was up half the night with a horrible cold. He left his office and went to walgreens to get me medicine when I called him and would have stayed home. It's a high bar for each of us but if I ask, he doesn't even question because if I go down, his life is not easy.
My staying at home is not some gift he's bestowed upon me, giving him free reign to do whatever the eff he wants and leave me with the kids no matter what. It's a choice we made together for the overall good of our family. Equal choice, with benefits and drawbacks for both of us. Maybe it's because DH is fully aware of how much benefit he gets out of the deal. If we had three kids in daycare, he's be taking off time left and right for their illnesses. Time he doesn't have to take off at all now because I'm at home.
If this was my DH's attitude, I'd go right back to work.
Post by turtletop90 on Jan 27, 2015 13:29:04 GMT -5
No, you're right. That's not ok. I work PT but if I'm sick on my SAH days, H will totally take the day off to help me out. Or he will WFH at the least.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jan 27, 2015 13:30:32 GMT -5
My husband will sleep in and go in late every single day for 2 weeks if he's "sick" but when I'm sick and dying I have to nap on the couch with two toddlers climbing on me. Or call my mom and beg her to come over. Usually my mom has to work it around her shopping and work out time though so i usually tell her not to bother.
That would not fly in my house. Not even the fact that he'll gladly take a day off if he's not feeling well, but that he WON'T take a day off it you need it. Not cool.
For us, I try and push through the first day (assuming it's something I can function with). If it gets worse during the day, I call my mom (she's really close). But if I need help the second day, H will stay home without any pushback.
Post by imojoebunny on Jan 27, 2015 13:52:35 GMT -5
No one cares if I am sick, except maybe my mom! and she is often in another state. When the kids were tots, I hired a nanny so I could go get spinal injections. When I had a CVS and was told to stay on bed rest for 48 hours after, my DH said I was "milking it" and left the house exactly 30 seconds after the 48 hours was up.
DH typically has the much harder life. When I am sick, it's my time to suffer. I will hit up others to pick the kids up and if he can, have DH drop them at school, but he normally leaves an hour before they go to school.
My kids and I laugh and laugh at the cold medicine commercial that claims". Dad's can't take a sick day." My DH gets man sick, really man sick.
Yeah, no. You aren't being overdramatic, but you need to do something about this. How much does he solo parent? Sometimes I think people think that being home with a toddler isn't that "taxing", especially when you can pop a movie on. They need to experience it to really get it.
I HATE the suggestion of backup care or a babysitter, because it lets him off the hook. If he were in a job where it was impossible to take off last minute, fine. But you've established that he's not. So he needs to step up. Maybe you need to give yourself a certain number of sick days (that you and he agree on) and when you request one, he agrees, no questions asked. You decide what's worth you taking a day off for, and you get to use those days however and whenever you see fit.
Last time I had a stomach bug H worked from home. He had a pretty demanding schedule and be couldn't take over 100% for me, but he jumped in when he could, which helped a lot. DD2 was only 5 weeks old and still nursing constantly, so it's not like I could have tuned out for the whole day anyway. I appreciated him being home just in case.
I would be lighting shit on fire level of angry if this double standard was tried in my house. Livid, beside myself mad. If I'm sick, DH stays home just like he stays home when he's sick. Just a few weeks ago he left for work not realizing that I was up half the night with a horrible cold. He left his office and went to walgreens to get me medicine when I called him and would have stayed home. It's a high bar for each of us but if I ask, he doesn't even question because if I go down, his life is not easy.
My staying at home is not some gift he's bestowed upon me, giving him free reign to do whatever the eff he wants and leave me with the kids no matter what. It's a choice we made together for the overall good of our family. Equal choice, with benefits and drawbacks for both of us. Maybe it's because DH is fully aware of how much benefit he gets out of the deal. If we had three kids in daycare, he's be taking off time left and right for their illnesses. Time he doesn't have to take off at all now because I'm at home.
If this was my DH's attitude, I'd go right back to work.
I'm not a SAHM, but I think this is an excellent point.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Jan 27, 2015 14:05:31 GMT -5
Apart from caring for LO, DH would absolutely take over much of everything else. Back when I was still recovering from my PPH, DH took care of pretty much everything. I was in no shape to do much of anything outside care for LO, eat and rest.
I do think you need to make a bigger deal out of being sick, rather than carrying on: caring for DD: yes grocery shopping because we were out of everything: nope. Tell DH to do it and order a pizza. cooking meals: nope cleaning the kitchen: nope bath and bedtime on my nights: nope nope nope
If you feel like crap, do the bare minimum and stop covering his ass. Force him to step it up.
This was going to be my response. I was a SAHM for 6 years and I never asked DH to take a day off when I was sick. However, on my sick days, my goal was to keep my kids alive. That was it. I didn't do the other stuff- Dh could take care of it after work, or it would just not get done.
If I am on death's motherfucking door, DH will take the day off. I think that's happened two days in the 3 years since DS was born. So unless I'm fucking DYING, I power through.
DH very, very rarely gets sick though, so he never takes sick days himself. And he has to be DYING to take a sick day himself. So at least we're weirdly even in that regard.
If I am on death's motherfucking door, DH will take the day off. I think that's happened two days in the 3 years since DS was born. So unless I'm fucking DYING, I power through.
DH very, very rarely gets sick though, so he never takes sick days himself. And he has to be DYING to take a sick day himself. So at least we're weirdly even in that regard.
This. Thankfully in the last 20 months the only time I was so so so sick was when I had the flu, but it happened over the new year holiday so DH had 2 days off. I don't know what I would have done because it really is very difficult for him to get a time off. DH probably has taken 2-3 sick days in 20 months. Does not mean he rarely gets sick.
Knock on wood, but I've only gotten really sick once since DD was born. I had the flu and it was over Christmas and DH had off for the holiday anyway. It's not always easy for him to take off or work from home, so I would only ask him to if I had no other choice. We are lucky that both of our families are close by and both of his parents are retired so I would call them for help before asking DH to leave work. Once he gets home from work he would take over everything and I could sleep. He's the primary cook and grocery shopper in the house anyway.
Post by momof2boys on Jan 27, 2015 14:51:39 GMT -5
I am not a stay at home mom but I would be pissed. My work gives very little sick days and its not easy to get a day off b/c there needs to be coverage etc, so I rarely take a day off. My DH has a gazillion days off and can just call out easily, so he definitely takes the time for little colds etc. He also takes more time off when our kids are sick and can't go to school. However, the one thing I refuse to work through, or parent through is a stomach bug. My DH tried to tell me ONCE that he had to go to work when I was throwing up and I lost it on him. He wisely picked up the phone and called out
Post by suburbanzookeeper on Jan 27, 2015 15:39:51 GMT -5
DH is awesome about things when I'm sick (I'm auto immune suppressed so unfortunately it's pretty often). I work from home and trying to balance it all while getting better is really hard on me. I would be absolutely LIVID if my husband pulled that kind stunt. He banks sick time/PTO like crazy and has no problem taking it if I need it. I'm sick now and he's taking off today and tomorrow to give me a hand as I've had two sick kids all week.
It would be time for a come to Jesus talk. Is one day off so you can actually recover in some sort of timely fashion going to kill him? The house doesn't need to be picked up, groceries don't need to be bought (he can grab a pizza), and a day or three of TV won't rot your LO's brain.
Not overreacting. A few weeks ago, I had a stomach virus and was up all night. I didn't even need to ask, DH stayed home and kept DD entertained all day so I could rest. The only time I heard a peep from her was when he came in with applesauce. Granted, he was up all night, too. DD woke up in the middle of the night and was livid that DH was the one who came to get her, and refused to go back to sleep. But I still think that he would have stayed home even with a full night's sleep.
Post by redpenmama on Jan 27, 2015 16:47:22 GMT -5
My H has never taken a sick day to help out when I'm sick. To be fair, he is the type that would trudge into work and infect everyone instead of actually calling in sick. I felt like death with the stomach bug (while pregnant), watched my 2-year-old DD all day between dry heaves, and he came home and asked what we were doing for dinner. Seriously. Had I not been rendered nearly lifeless, he may have been stabbed.
So, yeah, I can relate. I do keep telling him that if I get the flu (because everyone we know is getting the flu, vaccine or not), he has to help me out. We have no family nearby, so I have precisely no one to help me when I get sick -- except for him.
Thanks, all. I'll talk to DH soon about it. We've already had a few words.
Not that I'm taking blame but I do need to do what @tokenhoser and others said and do the bare minimum when I'm sick. I just KOKO just because. No real reason other than, you know, I have a toddler and I'm in my house all the time and it drives me crazy for it to be a mess, even when I'm sick. So I don't stop and rest when I need to and I do think that makes it so that DH doesn't take me seriously. Also, I will admit that I'm pretty passive about it and he's just a passive person in general. I need to be more direct with him when I'm actually sick (and need to talk to him about it when I'm NOT sick).
I don't think he takes me for granted. He has a very demanding, high stress job. It is flexible, to an extent, wrt when he has to actually be at work but he works a lot of hours. So, today he's home sick and he has worked since he had to phone in to a meeting at 10:15 or so, with a 15 minute break where he came down and offered to watch DD so I could take a shower and he also changed dd on his other (5 minute) break. Other than that, he ate lunch while working. He normally does a few hours at night, too, which is why I feel guilty asking him to deal with bath and bedtime on my nights while I go lay in bed, because I know that means that he's going to up an extra hour to finish up work. He goes to bed pretty early and wakes up early, so that means less sleep for him. Which isn't the end of the world and he'll do it if I ask but I do feel bad when I know he's not just twiddling his thumbs on the couch while I'm upstairs feeling like crap while DD takes a bath, kwim? I just have so much more downtime than he does on any given day but I do need to take care of myself, especially when I know that if he can step in for a day with DD while I do, I feel so much better rather than letting it drag on for a week or so.
the only time h has stayed home was when i had food poisoning and puked blood. he was actually planning on going in until the blood part though.
i have only had one cold (lasted 3 days) since L was born. i just toughed it out. if i was sick longer or worse than my colds and my h could get away with taking the day off, i'd ask, but wait for the worst day of the cold.
I just power through. I do as little as possible. When I am pregnant, I am wicked sick the whole time and my DH, who pulls all kinds of asshole, will cook and clean because I don't move off the couch lest I throw up. He knows from my lack of movement that he needs to pitch in.
Of course he also went to complete jobs when he had the swine flu and 105 degree fever a few years ago.