I don't know what to say. My home board is ML. H and I have been having issues for a while, and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm treading water. I want to make it work, and then days like today, I'm ready to be done.
It sounds weird but j just knew. I was never more certain about anything in my life. I just wanted to have it be over. I didn't feel particularly sad or angry. I felt ambivalent. And when i filed I felt very relieved.
My situation is probably completely different, so I don't have a good answer for you, but I'm sorry you've found yourself over here. Ditto achase123 about the counseling. That's always a good place to start
I had a serious concrete and immediate reason to end things. It was actually a huge relief when I filed and moved out. Go to counseling, write an honest list of pros and cons. You deserve happiness.
I had some very concrete reasons and I was still ambivalent. I knew I had to do it for my kids
Basically this, but I think I knew I didn't want to do it anymore, I just felt guilty for not "trying harder" - I think I was more concerned about the perception of others rather than myself, I knew I'd done everything I could, he wasn't going to change.
I remember your thread from last year ooglie26 and I don't think anyone would blame you if you just walked away after that. I think you go on working at it if it's what you really want and you think you can move past it, not because your H has guilted you into it, or because he's super sorry now. Counselling is a really good idea if you aren't seeing someone already, it will help you process things a bit better. GL
Honestly, I was sitting around one day thinking about our marriage, and I realized that I was (at the time) 31 years old, and in all likelihood I'd have at least 30 more years ahead of me. Did I want to spend 30 more years the same way? No, I didn't.
(Best decision I ever made. I'm so much happier, and life is so much more fulfilling now that I'm not constantly struggling with my relationship. They say that "marriage requires hard work," but honestly, it's not supposed to be that hard. And if it is, maybe you'd be better off without it.)
I did struggle with the idea that I was "giving up" on my marriage. So I thought about exactly, in concrete terms, what I would need to do to know that I had made every effort before I "gave up." Having a specific set of steps and times really helped keep things from just dragging along without changing.
For me, I decided that I wanted to try six months of couples counseling to see if there was any noticeable difference. So I found a counselor in our area that we could meet with (so there would be no excuses or procrastination), and then I gave XH an ultimatum - counseling or separation. He's staunchly anti-counseling, so that was that. I knew that there was no way I could fix everything on my own. We agreed to a certain length trial separation and fixed a date when we would meet again to say whether we wanted to stay split up. By the time those months had passed, I was sure that it was the right move.
Welcome! I'm sorry that you're here but the ladies on this board are awesome!
I got married at the super mature age of19. Many people were not happy with my decision but I was in lovveeeeee and that conquers all! Then the abuse started and I felt trapped! I didn't want to file and hear I told you so. Then I found out he was sleeping with other women behind my back. It was my perfect opportunity to file and leave and I did. I knew I was done, but it was the hardest decision ever.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jan 30, 2015 5:59:50 GMT -5
Hey, ooglie! I'm so sorry you guys are having a tough time. It's no fun needing this board, but everyone is amazing.
I hit a breaking point in my marriage when I was done trying and it was because my XH put our son in immediate danger. But even so, it took almost 10 months after that to finally move out because I was terrified to be alone and didn't know how to leave a situation that I had become somewhat comfortable in, even though I was miserable.
Have you guys been going to counseling? Are you going on your own? Sometimes that can help you sort out what your feelings really are.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Oh, ooglie26, I'm sorry it's coming to this. It's sometimes hard to make the decision, but I think GilliC put it best. Look at your life and really think, do you want the rest of your life to be the same as it is now. If the answer is no, what things need to change. If that is your husband then it's okay to feel that way. Counseling is a good idea to help you down that path.
I knew for a while, but it took me 8 months to be able to say it. I was like you, I wanted to give it every possible chance. But eventually and through individual and couples therapy, I got up the nerve to end it.
It was hard to say. But life got better every moment after. It really was the best decision.
Thanks you guys. I'm not in counseling yet. He's dealing with some mental health issues, and has his first counseling appt in a few weeks (first avail of everyone we called). He goes a few weeks doing and saying all the right things, then has a day of pure crap.
I need to get myself in too, and will make that a priority. I hope clearing the fog will make the decision to stay or go more clear.
I was in a similar camp in that I really felt like I had to do everything possible in my mind to make it work or I thought I would feel guilty. I agreed to a seperation even though I really didn't want it. In hind sight the seperation was the best thing ever it gave me clarity that I was truly unhappy and didn't want the next 30 years to be the like previous 10. I had forgiven and was willing to work through so much stuff my ex did, but one day something he did was just the breaking point. I knew instantly that I was done and I told him so that night, and called a lawyer the next day. Counseling was also a huge help because I didn't realize how much I had neglected myself within the marriage.
Post by Emerald1486 on Jan 30, 2015 8:21:47 GMT -5
Welcome. I agree that you may want to get yourself into counseling. It can help with processing all of the emotions you will experience, whether or not you decide to stay.
I remember the day where I realized I was done. I gave XH an ultimatum (me or her) and I knew I'd be ok with either decision. Looking back, I would have handled it differently but I would have made the same decision. Divorcing was the best thing for us and for our son.