So, what do we tell Henry?

[iamgrace]

We haven't told him yet (he's almost four). Our plan is to tell him tomorrow or Saturday and to say that Granny was in a car accident and she died. Short, simple, BUT how do we actually explain the death part?  We've never dealt with this before and we are at a loss?  Help?

[ninjabridemom]

Let him ask questions. Be age appropriately honest.

Get a good picture book.

[Deleted]

We talked about angels, but also not really knowing where they get to go as angels until you are one. She was 4 as well when we had this talk and I was surprised at how many questions she had. Just be honest, I think we try to 'fix' it for them a lot but it's good to also leave some questions as questions because there isn't always an answer

[mommytutu]

I would tell the truth in 4 year old words. I'm so sorry

[missmaddie]

I have no clue. I have been trying to answer DS's questions (3.5) over the last two weeks about FIL who passed 2.5 years ago. I am not sure he's getting it, but he is re-telling me more in a statement lately than asking questions, if that makes sense, so he's at least hearing what I have explained and trying to process it.

Sending more hugs. It's going to be hard for him since he will obviously remember her.

[eb777888]

I'm so sorry, grace. We told David that his great grandma went to heaven. He was four. There were sooo many questions and I just wasn't prepared to answer them all.

[daisyheadmaizie]

Simple and honest. Let him ask questions, and answer them as simple and as straight forward as possible, because he will ask again and again. It is easier to explain often if your answers are simple. Also, let him know it is okay to be sad and miss her, and that mommy will be sad and missing her too. He is going to see and feed off your emotions, so he needs to understand that it is okay to be sad.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, grace. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

[lilac05]

I'm so sorry you have to face this.

I agonized over how to tell DS1 when my grandpa passed away because they were so close. I finally got up the courage to tell him & he shocked me with his response. He was very matter of fact, didn't ask too many questions, and just kind of soaked it in. It went much better than I anticipated, though it was different because he was old and in pain.

As far as what to say, we're religious, so we had the whole God/heaven discussion. I'm sure there are great non-religious children's books available to help you talk to him, if that aligns better with your beliefs.

I really believe there's really no right or wrong way to handle anything right now. Just do what you need to get through each hour/day.

[iamgrace]

Jan 29, 2015 23:22:07 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

The other thing I would be aware of is that he may have some fears specifically because it happened in an accident (as opposed to her being old and sick). So he may need a lot of reassurance that he (and you and your husband) are not going to die too.

yes, I am struggling a bit with this. I want to be honest, but I also don't want to make him fearful of traveling in the car, etc, etc. Also, there are degrees of car accidents.

[speckledfrog]

It's tough when they are so little. For that age group, in the past I've said something like, "Her heart stopped beating and when someone's heart stops beating it means they are not alive/dead. You need your heart to do work for your body and Grandma's heart stopped working."

[SpartanGirl]

When my grandma died we made sure to tell the kids that it was okay to feel sad and to cry. We let them know that we were sad and that sometimes we would cry too. We also said that it was okay if they felt angry or scared or even if they weren't sure how they felt. We talked a lot about heaven too. It's been almost 2 years and the kids still sometimes ask questions, though they're not as emotional about it now.

I wish I had better advice. I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))

[usuallylurking]

We told him that his GG had died and gone to Heaven. He had just turned 4 and was surprisingly matter-of-fact about it. He said "oh. She died like the dinosaurs?" I said yes. I said it was ok if he is sad and misses her, because Mom and Dad and Grandpa are sad and miss her too. And that we can talk about her and look at pictures of her anytime he wants to. He still talks about her from time to time and will still say that she is dead like the dinosaurs.

Maybe don't tell him about the accident unless he asks how she died? Maybe that's a bad suggestion. Also, maybe you could say that sometimes people get hurt so badly that parts of their body can't work anymore? Maybe that's also a bad suggestion. I'm really sorry. Hugs.

[kyah]

My Fil died unexpectedly when DD was 4, and we lost her great grandma a few months later. We just explained death in an age appropriate way. I told her about heaven at that time but she didn't really understand. Kids at that age don't really understand death and you will need to reassure him if he starts worrying about losing you. DD went through that fear. I promise you that he will be OK. Just be approachable and reassuring. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

[purplelemon]

When my Grandma passed away in November, my 4 year old and I read a book about Grandma dying and turning into a star. It was an easy concept for him to grasp, and he looks for her in the sky at night. The hard part for us was answering the questions he had about what actually physically happened to her after she passed away. The star was a concrete answer for him. There are quite a few books geared towards small children surrounding death.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[nannersp]

You have lots of great advice above. There are two books I recommend: The Invisible String, and the Fall of Freddy Leaf.

www.amazon.com/Invisible-String-Patrice-Karst/dp/0875167349/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422600476&sr=8-1&keywords=the+invisible+string

www.amazon.com/Fall-Freddie-Leaf-Story-Life/dp/0943432898/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422600579&sr=8-1&keywords=fall+of+freddy+the+leaf

Neither of them put an emphasis on religion, if that's a concern. (We're not religious.)

Again, so very sorry for your loss. Much love to you all. xoxo

[elenetxu]

Jan 30, 2015 0:08:00 GMT -5 usuallylurking said:

We told him that his GG had died and gone to Heaven. He had just turned 4 and was surprisingly matter-of-fact about it. He said "oh. She died like the dinosaurs?" I said yes. I said it was ok if he is sad and misses her, because Mom and Dad and Grandpa are sad and miss her too. And that we can talk about her and look at pictures of her anytime he wants to. He still talks about her from time to time and will still say that she is dead like the dinosaurs.

Maybe don't tell him about the accident unless he asks how she died? Maybe that's a bad suggestion. Also, maybe you could say that sometimes people get hurt so badly that parts of their body can't work anymore? Maybe that's also a bad suggestion. I'm really sorry. Hugs.

I am amazed at how little kids rationalize death. One of my little guys' grandma died on the day we had class. As an adult, of course, I was freaking out about how to answer his questions or deal with his sadness, mistakenly thinking he'd react like we do. One of his classmates said "Your grandma died, didn't she?", to which the little one replied, "Yeah, she went on a rocket to heaven" and kept on playing.

When I was a kid, my parents got me: Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs. www.amazon.com/Nana-Upstairs-Downstairs-Picture-Puffins/dp/0698118367 It might not be the best book for the situation because it deals with a sick grandma who passes away.

Grace, I'm so sorry. You've received a lot of great advice here. You guys are going to do a wonderful job with whatever you end up saying to Henry.

[tiffany81]

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

My dad died last march unexpectedly and I was so scared to tell my 4 year old. My dad and son were extremely close. I just sat him down in a moment that I felt calm and told him that his papa went to heaven and that it's okay to be sad and we could talk about it whenever he wanted. He was like 'okay' and kept playing. I had to leave the room and cry because it shocked me how little he seemed to care.

But a few hours later he asked me what time he'd be home from heaven. And then more and more questions came. And tears. It's very hard to prepare for the questions. They are really all over the place - alligators in heaven, god getting old and needing heaven, Santa not going to heaven, when my son will go, what we do in heaven, etc.

He still asks about papa and cried sometimes. My niece who was also 4 accepted it, told everyone not to cry because heaven is wonderful, and hasn't needed much reassurance. So you could get that reaction too.

I told him his papa had a sick heart because I couldn't say he got old. He wasn't old. I think its good to say that your mom had an accident. Your child prob understands that we all have to be careful to not get hurt. And that you are all extremely careful and safe. ((Hugs))

[wildfloweragain]

www.amazon.com/Water-Bugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children/dp/082981180X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422618528&sr=8-1&keywords=dragonflies+and+waterbugs

This book wouldn't come in time, but would be a good one to have in the near future, explaining death and afterlife to children. (The waterbug goes up the stalk when it is his time and promises to come down and tell what goes on up there, but he turns into a dragonfly and can't go back down. He has to wait for his friends.)

[cuddlyevil]

Short and simple. Be ready to answer questions.

We had to do a lot of explaining that sometimes doctors can't make a person all better. This may be tougher because he may be afraid of being in a car for a bit. Just reassure him and he will be ok.

[fryjack2]

Ditto what posters above have suggested about keeping it simple and following his lead.

Does he go to preschool? I wonder if they would have suggestions too.

I'm sorry again. (((Iamgrace)))

[cleo29]

I think just be honest and then see what he asks you and answer those questions honestly. If it is possible to have a viewing and he wants to see her, I would let him. Kids sometimes need that tangible proof for it to connect.

Sudden deaths come with their own host of issues. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this, Grace.

[McGavin]

We're not religious so we were kinda matter of fact about it. That a person's body doesn't work anymore and you can't see them anymore but we can talk about memories and look at pictures. We started at a very young age since DD1 wanted to know where my dad was and why he wasn't around.

[MixedBerryJam]

Jan 29, 2015 23:22:07 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

The other thing I would be aware of is that he may have some fears specifically because it happened in an accident (as opposed to her being old and sick). So he may need a lot of reassurance that he (and you and your husband) are not going to die too.

This is a good point. I think I might stress that it was a bad car accident, or not mention the car at all and just say she was in an accident, and that she died and that means her body stopped working, so we won't be able to see her or visit with her any more, but (depending on your faith, of course) that her spirit is still watching over us and protecting us, and when he misses her he can still talk to her and she'll know he loves her.

I've been thinking about you this morning. I hope you are doing okay. Continued (((hugs))) and good thoughts and prayers.

[jinkies]

My son was 5 when my SIL (his aunt) died. I want to second the book "The Invisible String" that nannersp linked in her post. It's not specifically about death; just about how there are invisible strings that will always connect you to the people that you love. There is just one page that talks about how the strings link you even to people in heaven.

My son loved it, and still requests it a year and a half later. He calls it his "Aunt Pam book." It gave him some comfort to still feel connected to her.

Listen to your son. Explain things simply. Expect that the talking about it may be in short bursts over a period of time, as opposed to a long conversation at once. After dreading telling my son, he took the news of his aunt's death well, then went back to playing. The questions came in spurts, over the period of the next several days.

[underwaterrhymes]

I would tell him that grandma died and went to heaven. (I think you believe in heaven, but if not, you can leave that part out.) And that even though we can't see her anymore, we can still love her and talk to her and that she's always with us in our hearts and watching over us and loving us back.

Tell him it's okay to be sad and to miss her. And that if he wants to talk about her or has questions you're there for him.

And if he does ask you why or what happened, be honest, but phrase it simply.

I'm so sorry you're having to figure this out.

[papie]

I am sorry.  When my grandma died, we let the kids ask questions and we answered the best we could. 
(((hugs)))

[Marle]

I wouldn't start with the accident. I'd tell him she died and went to heaven or she is now energy and her body will become stardust or something like that depending on how religious you are. The important part is that she'll always be in your hearts because of all the nice things she did when she was alive.

I'd let him ask how she died before I tell him about the accident.

After Logan learned about death he spent several weeks asking about it and mainly trying to figure out how not to die. We used to tell him he should take care of his body and listen to mommy and daddy. That way he could make it to an old age and by that time he would be ready and happy to die.

It won't be easy at the beginning but you wait and see that children are really such a source of happiness when you are feeling the loss.

Hugs

[floridakat]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Our girls are 4, and my father is in hospice. I bought this book from Amazon, and we read it together, and then talked about the fact that Papa is sick, and his doctors can't fix him.

www.amazon.com/Miss-You-First-Death-Books/dp/0764117645/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1422630917&sr=1-3&keywords=kids+death

I know it's not at all the situation you're dealing with, but I really like the book. It talks about different kinds of dying (sudden, sick, old age), and talks about it being a natural part of life. It's also not religious, but does talk about everyone having a spirit, and that our spirit continues to survive, and discusses how different cultures have different beliefs (which makes it easy to talk about your specific beliefs).

I have read that for this age group it's important to stay away from euphemisms like "passed away" or "sleeping", as they have trouble understanding the permanence of death.

My heart breaks for you. (((hugs)))

[Deleted]

Be honest and expect questions. I would stick to the simplest of explanations and let his questions lead you. Remind him that you're there to listen and cry with if that's what he needs.

[emsumm]

The one thing I did well was tell the girls they could talk about her and ask questions any time. But. He might really do it, and it's sad. Maya brings my mom up constantly. Still, I'm happy that she remembers her and all of the time they spent together. Keeps her memory alive and a dialogue open.