If you decided to have fewer kids than originally planned...

[AmyRI]

I need to brain dump. Apologies for this long and rambling post. Before we had DD, and even when she was young, we were pretty sure we wanted a 3rd kid. Then she kept being a crappy sleeper for another year, DS turned into a spirited threenager, and we both started changing our minds. 2 months ago, I was pretty convinced I was done. Some hesitation and sadness about never growing, birthing, and nursing a baby again, but I was ok with it. I had more "cons" than "pros." DH felt the same way, and often said that he was tired of raising little kids and thought he was ready to be done and not have a 3rd.

Then about a month ago, DH went on a campaign to convince me that we should have a 3rd. The same exact way he approached the TTC conversation with DS and DD. Lots of jokes, lots of suggestions, "wouldn't it be nice" kind of things. He'd trade in his truck for a minivan, etc, etc. He said that it was up to me, because I am the one to do the vast majority of the work in the first 2 years (between pregnancy and nursing). I tried to shift gears and see if I'd be ok with it. I started to come around to the idea. Coming around to the point of not refilling my BCP rx because I want to be off for a few months before potentially TTC, and that would start after my bday in May... We had been talking post-baby-budget and potential names.

Then last weekend, he puts "make a decision about #3" on our to-do list, and later in the day, when our 2 kids are fighting and being toddlers, abruptly makes a pro/con list that is a mile-long list of reasons it's a bad idea and a "babies are cute" and "you look good pregnant**" in the pro column. (** his assessment, not mine.) The conversation, if you can call it that, ended quickly because I was shocked and about to get emotional at his abrupt change of heart.

I'm trying to adjust back to the idea of being done, but now I'm actually upset at the idea, even though 2 months ago I was fine with it. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel and an even harder time trying to articulate those feelings. Now DH wants to have a real conversation about it, and I'm just not ready. I'm a hormonal mess thanks to being off my BCPs and I am not handling his uncertainty well at all. I can't just write out a pro/con list like he did, because I don't put "get to nurse another baby" or "give birth again" or "enjoy having another child for the rest of our lives" on par with having to actually watch our budget and skipping a big vacation for a couple years. There are a million annoyances that come with pregnancy and infancy that I'd rather skip, but I am very worried that 5 years from now, we are going to regret our decision and wish we had that 3rd child.

Mostly I'm just sad. Now I know (well, think I know) how he really feels, and I do not want to have another baby unless he also wants another kid. Last night he made it sound like he'd reconsider if it's what I really want, but I do not want to pressure him into this decision. I would need my partner to be there for me, and if he's not sure himself, I don't think it's a good idea to take on such a stressful endeavor.

If you wanted more kids, and your partner wasn't on board, how did you deal with those feelings? Did time actually help? Am I going to be sad at the end of my childbearing days no matter how many I already have? Planning a trip to Ireland is not helping like it used to.

[drloretta]

I think you DO need to have a real conversation about it. Maybe not tonight, but soon. I don't think his pro/con list is his final assessment of where you are.

We always said we wanted 2, and it took a lot of time and $ to adopt DD. When she was about 2 we would have done it again in a heartbeat if we had the money, but we didn't. At all. DH brought up the idea of adopting a toddler from foster care instead, as he doesn't want the infant stage again but I think was still thinking about having a sibling for DD.

I can honestly say we haven't even discussed more kids for at least a year. We finally started getting rid of baby gear. And my age is making us think more about retirement than raising another human. I think the ship has sailed, and for the most part I"m OK with it. But menopause is hitting me hard these days, and the finality of it occasionally freaks me out.

[anna7602]

Do you have an age/health factor/financial reason that makes this decision have to happen now? I know there's a difference between TTC this month v. next year, but you already said you would wait until May anyway. I think both you and DH need a little time to sit with each of your thoughts before you make a definitive decision in either direction.

FWIW, we went back and forth a lot. I was the driving force in pushing for a second kid, but there was a lot of soul-searching that happened on both sides.

[Deleted]

I don't think you'll be sad forever, but I also don't think he's being fair. You can't possibly make a pro/con list and ever have having a(nother) kid make sense. It doesn't. It's about having the family you envision and is a wholly emotional decision (even if you're a cold dead rationalist normally).

I also think that rushing to permanent decisions when your kids are at kind of terrible ages is tough. We're probably done, but we're not deciding forever right now. We're young (both 33) and the kids are at a rough part (I hate 18 months a lot). It's a decision we want to tackle in another year or two, when we've really experienced life with older kids and had time to wrestle with being done with babies or not.

[AmyRI]

I agree that a real conversation needs to happen. I've been putting it off for lack of the right words to go with my feelings.

Age is not a factor for me, but it definitely is for my DH. I turn 30 in May, but he is going to turn 39 at the end of this year, and he has always maintained that he wants to be done before he turns 40, so waiting another year to decide is very likely making the decision to stop at 2. One of the major cons on his list is his age.

@tokenhoser you nailed us - we are both cold dead rationalists about everything else. I'm sure that's most of the reason I'm struggling with this - I am having a very (I think/hope) normal, emotional response that is not normal for me.

[MadamePresident]

I think this is such a hard topic. I've wanted 2 or 3 (but really 3 and as I get older I think if you have 3 then maybe you should make it 4 so you have an even number), but my husband is pretty sure about being done after 2. I think the person who wants less kids has to "win" the discussion.

I know that unless my husband has a change it heart, which I'm not expecting, we are done. I'm sad that I will not be pregnant again or get to have a newborn again. I love babies. (toddler age kids are terribly difficult though).

We have not made any permanent birth control decisions as the baby is only 6 months, but I know soon the day is coming when we will make the final decision to be done. It's makes me really sad to think about it, but I have two great kids that I love a lot.

[wanderlustmom]

I had the same experience as MadamePresident and it was hard. My DH never wavered, he felt done after I was pregnant with DD. For two years, I rallied for a third and wanted one desperately but only if he wanted it and he never did. Now my kids are much older and we are very happy and there are lots of pros to our family of four that we would not have with three kids--I don't regret letting DH decide. I do still have some moments of sadness but no regrets

[turtlegirl]

I think you guys definitely need to have a real, no distractions conversation about it. But you both probably need a little more time to gather your thoughts and feelings. If you wanted to start TTC in May can you at least mention to him that you'd like to have a real conversation about it late March/early April? Then you both know when the conversation will happen and have some time to really think and process your own feelings from now until then.

[Saudade]

After DS2 was born DH had a hard time even thinking about a third. neither of us enjoy the first year, he less than me. There isn't a good way of making a pro/con list for something as important as your family size

I have a hard time because things are easier with two. There isn't a question about it. But I have always wanted a larger family and while I really don't like the first 18 months, in 18 years or longer I see us with a larger family.

I am also willing to make certain sacrifices. No vacations for awhile because we'll have a large one in 2017 when my bff gets married in Spain. We're stayingi in this town because it's cheap and we have good jobs, but we wanted to move out west.

At this point I think I've convinced DH on a third but he is pretty adamant against a 4th.

[CloudBee]

Feb 4, 2015 14:17:41 GMT -5 AmyRI said:

...

If you wanted more kids, and your partner wasn't on board, how did you deal with those feelings? Did time actually help? Am I going to be sad at the end of my childbearing days no matter how many I already have? Planning a trip to Ireland is not helping like it used to.

It's hard, and can be emotionally overwhelming. Especially when everyone around you is pregnant. It certainly seems to go in cycle in my group(s). Heck, 4 out of 7 of the girls from my moms group are all pregnant again, and my DS is the oldest at 22 months. It's tough! Even if you're over the moon with happiness for them, and are just as excited to welcome their new family member, it can strike a nerve.

I just remind myself that I am lucky beyond measure to have one. And that I'm not willing to walk away from love (husband), for more children. Sometimes you just have to make peace with what you've got. (Not saying you are at that point, but I may be.)

I won't deny that it's not sad, and sometimes heart-wrenching. Because the yearning to bear and raise children can be very instinctive. Sometimes you're just wired to want more, IMO. So it's a difficult feeling/instinct/want to shake off.

DH wants 1, and I want 2. But it's also not a fight I'm willing to have. I'll suggest, and share how I feel, but in the end, my heart and mind tell me that whoever wants fewer children "wins", per se. DH knows how I feel, and I often tell him I want more. I've just had to come to peace with the fact that it's not likely to happen. I don't expect my yearning to ever cease. But I'm also not willing to create waves in our relationship over it.

People change over time. And while I would be willing to fight someone over having 1, if they changed their mind after marriage, I am not sure it's fair to fight for more. You don't know what it's like to be a parent until you have 1. So having 1 (or more!) can surely be a game changer with how equipped someone feels (on many levels) to have more.

Hugs. I know it's trying to be on different pages.

[july]

I am torn on the decision right now. Before the m/c, the plan was two and then evaluate a possible third. Now, I just don't know and I am obsessively thinking about it. The m/c messed with my plan and the hormone changes are making me anxious about what ifs. My mind was gearing up for baby, and then a sudden stop. I am very rational about everything and the hormones are really messing with me.


I did talk to H about it recently. He is wanting two, but wouldn't oppose three. He pointed out we would need to make some changes.

I am trying to just focus on the second one now and decide after a year. Now that I know what older kids are like, I may be more willing to get pregnant sooner. I think I would be fine with either option. We can afford them. I worry now mostly about something being wrong with a future pregnancy.