Wacky "Facts" You, Too, Can Learn in Louisiana

[mominatrix]

On the public dime, thanks to school vouchers.

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14 Wacky "Facts" Kids Will Learn in Louisiana's Voucher Schools

—By Deanna Pan
| Tue Aug. 7, 2012 3:00 AM PDT

429

God Bless Our SchoolSeparation of church and what? Currier & Ives/Library of Congress

Thanks to a new law privatizing public education in Louisiana, Bible-based curriculum can now indoctrinate young, pliant minds with the good news of the Lord—all on the state taxpayers' dime.

Under Gov. Bobby Jindal's voucher program, considered the most sweeping in the country, Louisiana is poised to spend tens of millions of dollars to help poor and middle-class students from the state's notoriously terrible public schools receive a private education. While the governor's plan sounds great in the glittery parlance of the state's PR machine, the program is rife with accountability problems that actually haven't been solved by the new standards the Louisiana Department of Education adopted two weeks ago.

For one, of the 119 (mostly Christian) participating schools, Zack Kopplin, a gutsy college sophomore who's taken to Change.org to stonewall the program, has identified at least 19 that teach or champion creationist nonscience and will rake in nearly $4 million in public funding from the initial round of voucher designations.


Many of these schools, Kopplin notes, rely on Pensacola-based A Beka Book curriculum or Bob Jones University Press textbooks to teach their pupils Bible-based "facts," such as the existence of Nessie the Loch Ness Monster and all sorts of pseudoscience that researcher Rachel Tabachnick and writer Thomas Vinciguerra have thankfully pored over so the rest of world doesn't have to.

Here are some of my favorite lessons:

1. Dinosaurs and humans probably hung out: "Bible-believing Christians cannot accept any evolutionary interpretation. Dinosaurs and humans were definitely on the earth at the same time and may have even lived side by side within the past few thousand years."—Life Science, 3rd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 2007

Much like Whoopi and Teddy in the cinematic classic Theodore Rex.



2. Dragons were totally real: "[Is] it possible that a fire-breathing animal really existed? Today some scientists are saying yes. They have found large chambers in certain dinosaur skulls…The large skull chambers could have contained special chemical-producing glands. When the animal forced the chemicals out of its mouth or nose, these substances may have combined and produced fire and smoke."—Life Science, 3rd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 2007



3. "God used the Trail of Tears to bring many Indians to Christ."—America: Land That I Love, Teacher ed., A Beka Book, 1994



4. Africa needs religion: "Africa is a continent with many needs. It is still in need of the gospel…Only about ten percent of Africans can read and write. In some areas the mission schools have been shut down by Communists who have taken over the government."—Old World History and Geography in Christian Perspective, 3rd ed., A Beka Book, 2004

The literacy rate in Africa is "only about 10 percent"--give or take a few dozen percentage points.


5. Slave masters were nice guys: "A few slave holders were undeniably cruel. Examples of slaves beaten to death were not common, neither were they unknown. The majority of slave holders treated their slaves well."—United States History for Christian Schools, 2nd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 1991

Slaves and their masters: BFF 4lyfe! Doesn't everyone look happy?! Edward Williams Clay/Library of Congress



6. The KKK was A-OK: "[The Ku Klux] Klan in some areas of the country tried to be a means of reform, fighting the decline in morality and using the symbol of the cross. Klan targets were bootleggers, wife-beaters, and immoral movies. In some communities it achieved a certain respectability as it worked with politicians."—United States History for Christian Schools, 3rd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 2001

Just your friendly neighborhood Imperial Wizard! Unknown/Library of Congress



7. The Great Depression wasn't as bad as the liberals made it sound: "Perhaps the best known work of propaganda to come from the Depression was John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath…Other forms of propaganda included rumors of mortgage foreclosures, mass evictions, and hunger riots and exaggerated statistics representing the number of unemployed and homeless people in America."—United States History: Heritage of Freedom, 2nd ed., A Beka Book, 1996

Definitely Photoshopped. U.S. National Archives and Records Administration/Wikipedia



8. SCOTUS enslaved fetuses: "Ignoring 3,500 years of Judeo-Christian civilization, religion, morality, and law, the Burger Court held that an unborn child was not a living person but rather the "property" of the mother (much like slaves were considered property in the 1857 case of Dred Scott v. Sandford)."—American Government in Christian Perspective, 2nd ed., A Beka Book, 1997



9. The Red Scare isn't over yet: "It is no wonder that Satan hates the family and has hurled his venom against it in the form of Communism."— American Government in Christian Perspective, 2nd ed., A Beka Book, 1997



10. Mark Twain and Emily Dickinson were a couple of hacks:

"[Mark] Twain's outlook was both self-centered and ultimately hopeless…Twain's skepticism was clearly not the honest questioning of a seeker of truth but the deliberate defiance of a confessed rebel."—Elements of Literature for Christian Schools, Bob Jones University, 2001

"Several of [Emily Dickinson's] poems show a presumptuous attitude concerning her eternal destiny and a veiled disrespect for authority in general. Throughout her life she viewed salvation as a gamble, not a certainty. Although she did view the Bible as a source of poetic inspiration, she never accepted it as an inerrant guide to life."—Elements of Literature for Christian Schools, Bob Jones University, 2001

And her grammar was just despicable! Ugh! Todd-Bingham picture collection, 1837-1966 (inclusive)/ Manuscripts & Archives, Yale UniversityTo say nothing of her poetry's Syntax and Punctuation—how odious it is.Todd-Bingham picture collection, 1837-1966 (inclusive)/ Manuscripts & Archives, Yale University



11. Abstract algebra is too dang complicated: "Unlike the 'modern math' theorists, who believe that mathematics is a creation of man and thus arbitrary and relative, A Beka Book teaches that the laws of mathematics are a creation of God and thus absolute…A Beka Book provides attractive, legible, and workable traditional mathematics texts that are not burdened with modern theories such as set theory."—ABeka.com

Maths is hard! Screenshot: MittRomney.comMATHS: Y U SO HARD? Screenshot: MittRomney.com



12. Gay people "have no more claims to special rights than child molesters or rapists."—Teacher's Resource Guide to Current Events for Christian Schools, 1998-1999, Bob Jones University Press, 1998



13. "Global environmentalists have said and written enough to leave no doubt that their goal is to destroy the prosperous economies of the world's richest nations."—Economics: Work and Prosperity in Christian Perspective, 2nd ed., A Beka Book, 1999

Plotting world destruction, BRB. Lynn Freeny, Department of Energy/FlickrPlotting economic apocalypse, BRB Lynn Freeny, Department of Energy/Flickr



14. Globalization is a precursor to rapture: "But instead of this world unification ushering in an age of prosperity and peace, as most globalists believe it will, it will be a time of unimaginable human suffering as recorded in God's Word. The Anti-christ will tightly regulate who may buy and sell."—Economics: Work and Prosperity in Christian Perspective, 2nd ed., A Beka Book, 1999

He'll probably be in cahoots with the global environmentalists. Luca Signorelli/WikipediaSwapping insider-trading secrets is the devil's favorite pastime. Luca Signorelli/WikipediaWhew! Seems extreme. But perhaps we shouldn't be too surprised. Gov. Jindal, you remember, once tried to perform an exorcism on a college gal pal.

www.motherjones.com/blue-marble/2012/07/photos-evangelical-curricula-louisiana-tax-dollars

[JLN]

I'm speechless.

[llama]

Gay people "have no more claims to special rights than child molesters or rapists."—Teacher's Resource Guide to Current Events for Christian Schools, 1998-1999, Bob Jones University Press, 1998

You have got to be fucking kidding me. I feel like gauging my eyes out with my fingernails after reading these.

[sonrisa]

Living in NOLA sounds so tempting until you read something like this.

[basilosaurus]

I thought we had covered this. One of their textbooks uses Loch Ness Monster to prove that dinosaurs still exist. The Scottish howled with derisive laughter about that one.

[IIOY]

But where does electricity come from??

[teflep]

Aug 8, 2012 3:18:04 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

I thought we had covered this. One of their textbooks uses Loch Ness Monster to prove that dinosaurs still exist. The Scottish howled with derisive laughter about that one.

I thought so as well though at least this is from 2012

[Michelle]

6. The KKK was A-OK: "[The Ku Klux] Klan in some areas of the country tried to be a means of reform, fighting the decline in morality and using the symbol of the cross. Klan targets were bootleggers, wife-beaters, and immoral movies. In some communities it achieved a certain respectability as it worked with politicians."—United States History for Christian Schools, 3rd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 2001

Just your friendly neighborhood Imperial Wizard! Unknown/Library of Congress
^^^^^
Unfortunately that part doesn't surprise me at all for Louisiana. NO, I'm not saying all Louisianans are racist. But yes, I think there are quite a few, and I have an anecdotal list of them that is quite long.

[Kore]

I live in Louisiana, and my 8 y/o niece goes to a private Christian school. This totally explains why she asked me if rain was Jesus' tears this weekend :-(

[meshaliuknits]

Aug 8, 2012 5:15:44 GMT -5 IIOY said:

But where does electricity come from??

So the folks that have been electrocuted or struck by lightening don't know what electricity feels like?

[decemberwedding07]

:-( :-( :-(
I... :-( :-( :-(

[secretlyevil]

:-|

yeah, I'm never going there.

[IIOY]

Aug 8, 2012 11:34:14 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Aug 8, 2012 5:15:44 GMT -5 IIOY said:

But where does electricity come from??

So the folks that have been electrocuted or struck by lightening don't know what electricity feels like?

ZZZZZZZTTTTTT!

[taratru]

Aug 8, 2012 0:27:27 GMT -5 llama said:

Gay people "have no more claims to special rights than child molesters or rapists."—Teacher's Resource Guide to Current Events for Christian Schools, 1998-1999, Bob Jones University Press, 1998

You have got to be fucking kidding me. I feel like gauging my eyes out with my fingernails after reading these.

Even child molesters get married.

Good lord.

[racegrrl714]

One of the churches in my town is opening a new Christian school, using the A Beka "curriculum." So. Effing. Scary.

[dylanite]

State's rights are overrated. Especially when it's a retarded state. I wouldn't want to sell Corky a gun nor would I want him teaching me 'facts'. I don't care if he thinks paper plates make hay sound funny! I wanna learn calligraphy!

[UMaineTeach]

I wonder if it is hard for Christian schools who don't want to teach the crazy to find good text books.

[aurora]

Aug 8, 2012 5:15:44 GMT -5 IIOY said:

But where does electricity come from??

You know, some science requires a little more inference (from effects we can observe) - you know, like we are finding planets elsewhere in the galaxy by studying their effects on nearby stars rather than by seeing the planets directly. But, we build devices that convert various forms of energy into electrical energy. They are called generators. How can anyone possibly believe that we really don't know where it comes from?

[decemberwedding07]

Aug 8, 2012 14:04:23 GMT -5 UMaineTeach said:

I wonder if it is hard for Christian schools who don't want to teach the crazy to find good text books.

I went to a Catholic school for one year, and all the text books were normal text books, so I would say it can be done. I think Christian schools who teach crazy stuff actively seek out crazy text books.

[decemberwedding07]

Aug 8, 2012 19:45:01 GMT -5 aurora said:

Aug 8, 2012 5:15:44 GMT -5 IIOY said:

But where does electricity come from??

You know, some science requires a little more inference (from effects we can observe) - you know, like we are finding planets elsewhere in the galaxy by studying their effects on nearby stars rather than by seeing the planets directly. But, we build devices that convert various forms of energy into electrical energy. They are called generators. How can anyone possibly believe that we really don't know where it comes from?

Jesus science. That's how.

[charliebrown]

Aug 8, 2012 19:45:42 GMT -5 decemberwedding07 said:

Aug 8, 2012 14:04:23 GMT -5 UMaineTeach said:

I wonder if it is hard for Christian schools who don't want to teach the crazy to find good text books.

I went to a Catholic school for one year, and all the text books were normal text books, so I would say it can be done. I think Christian schools who teach crazy stuff actively seek out crazy text books.

This. I graduated from a Christian high school, and we had normal textbooks. We had Bible class in addition to the other core subjects, but we learned fact-based science in science class and used the same history books as the neighboring public school.

[flamingeaux]

I would bet that most of these are the charter schools, that are started in some of the smaller Protestant heavy towns. I haven't been to NOLA too many times, but I'm pretty sure it's got more Catholic schools, which will teach regular lessons as well as having religion classes.

[Deleted]

3. "God used the Trail of Tears to bring many Indians to Christ."—America: Land That I Love, Teacher ed., A Beka Book, 1994

it's hard to believe it got worse from this point....

[basilosaurus]

Aug 8, 2012 20:58:02 GMT -5 flamingeaux said:

I would bet that most of these are the charter schools, that are started in some of the smaller Protestant heavy towns. I haven't been to NOLA too many times, but I'm pretty sure it's got more Catholic schools, which will teach regular lessons as well as having religion classes.

Yeah, most of these are not Catholic schools. Catholic schools get regular curricula and then supplement with religion. The protestant fundie schools get a beka (from pensacola christian college) or bob jones type curricula.

It is entirely possible for a Christian school to find good curricula that's not bsc. Unfortunately, there's no requirement for them to do so and still receive state funds. For instance, math does not have to be biblical. Phonics does not have to have you evaluating bible passages. Yet a beka and others do so. Instead of word problems involving trains heading from STL to NYC, it's freaking donkeys carrying apples from Bethlehem. I'm only slightly, very slightly, exaggerating. Nevermind the creationism and loch ness proves it bsc. Every damn textbook involves jesus somehow, regardless how tenuous the connection. And they get public funding for it.

My aunt home schooled her kids on a beka for a couple years (her local school with a class size of, um, 5, over multiple grades, refused to teach my dyslexic cousin, not in the US), and though she's Christian, she was put off by how they inserted it into every lesson.

I get that public education may suck. But diverting funds to schools teaching factually incorrect information is not the answer.

[IIOY]

To add to what should now be abundantly clear here, my kids attend Catholic school and the curriculum is very much sane. Religion is taught separate from all other topics, although it permeates the day such as with grace before meals, etc.. I'm the enrichment director at my DD's school and I brought in several science programs last year at the strong urging of the administration. The school participates in all sorts of mainstream science, math, and reading activities.

My H attended Catholic school and said it was the same for him - religion was separate and distinct.