Can we do a TTCAL check in?

[raangoli]

Mostly because I feel like my anxiety is through the roof. I am struggling between looking forward to being pregnant again and still feeling sadness over our loss. Then of course the fear that it will happen again.

I have so many thoughts/feeling about this, but that is all I can seem to get out right now. 

How are you ladies doing? 

[HoneySpider]

((raangoli)) I'm sorry, the crisscross of emotions is so hard!

I'm definitely in a funk lately. I feel like we just can't get moving forward and being patient is hard when we've already been at this so long. I just feel like everywhere I turn it's BABIES ALL THE TIME. On the internet, on tv, IRL, whatever, they are everywhere.

DH & I are starting to come to the understanding that we might only get one child if that. We would be open to adopting down the road but we both want at least one biological child. Our debate used to be 2 vs 3 now that seems moot.

[Mushe]

((raangoli)), huge hugs to you! I totally get it. A friend of mine who's had a MMC and CP like me, basically same thing, got pg on a treatment break while her FSA reset, and she's having such a hard time relaxing and trusting it! I know that's going to be me. I'm also wavering between feeling like I've already exceeded my bad luck WRT miscarriage, which I know is stupid.

[Mushe]

I'm feeling more hopeful and in control, even though this cycle is a total bust because I'm ovulating today and H is gone for 8 days. I haven't had good EWCM since the MMC, but I started back taking this green supplement, and I had a ton yesterday and today! And the RE was skeptical that I'm actually ovulating each month because of the DOR diagnosis, so I started temping a week ago. So nice to see the positive OPK yesterday and the temp spike this morning.

[raangoli]

Thank you, HoneySpider and Mushe. It's helpful to have this board to come vent to; I am sure you both feel the same.

HoneySpider - It seems like there are babies everywhere when it's the last thing in the world you want to see. You almost have to be a ninja to try to avoid them! Hugs to you. The realization that you and your H have come to about only having one biological child is tough. It's frustrating to think that the choice has been taken away from you when it comes so (seemingly) easily to others.

Mushe - I hope all goes well for your friend. I fear that I won't be able to relax if/when it happens again. I guess my idea to test early this cycle and the BFN at 10 DPO isn't helping matters. Which supplement did you start taking? Is it a green tea one? I am glad though that you got a + OPK and a noticeable temp shift.

[Mushe]

raangoli, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's from an MLM that a friend sells for. The one with the wraps. I tried those to be nice and they didn't work, and I know what they do, but I did really like the green powder. It's just like all your servings of fruits and veggies and stuff. I eat well, but I guess not well enough!

[loira]

Ugh, I get the anxiety. I was not handling it well either, especially as I'm just doing the occasional piece of freelance work and don't have a regular job to go to every day. I'm hoping this month will be easier. H and I just booked a week in Sicily - we leave in 3 weeks and I am super excited. I'm trying to focus on planning our trip. It will be at the very end of this cycle and I refuse to bring any HPTs with me, which will be a first since normally I'm an early tester.

I finally got my 14 day LP back (it had only been 13, with lots of pre-spotting, after my most recent m/c) so I'm hoping my body has sorted itself out now.

[raangoli]

loira - I hope this month is easier for you, too. The trip sounds like a great distraction. Planning and researching a trip/destination are great ways to keep me occupied - so I hope it works for you, too. You'll have to share the highlights of your trip once you're back so I can live vicariously through you

[HoneySpider]

I had been putting off watching last week's episode of Grey's because I knew it was going to hit very close to home...we watched it last night and DH & I were basically like yup, we know this story. Ugh. I'm torn because I'm glad they talk about loss on tv but I also don't really want to relive it, you know?

[loira]

Feb 24, 2015 15:12:22 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

I had been putting off watching last week's episode of Grey's because I knew it was going to hit very close to home...we watched it last night and DH & I were basically like yup, we know this story. Ugh. I'm torn because I'm glad they talk about loss on tv but I also don't really want to relive it, you know?

Oh, this was mentioned on TTTC last week. H and I haven't started this season, but I'm dreading this episode. I totally understand what you mean about reliving it. Also, I very deliberately made sure I was off my head on morphine for my delivery (they wouldn't give me an epidural). I can't imagine what the whole thing must have LOOKED like, and I'm not sure I ever want to know. H has never told me, and I don't think he wants to talk about it.

[belle55]

I totally understand on the anxiety and feel like I am in that spot too. I want so badly to be pregnant again. It is on my mind constantly. And with our edd coming up, the loss is on my mind all the time too. And I have a lot of anxiety about when I DO get pregnant about losing it again. I hate it.

I am 4dpo and AF is due the day we leave for San Diego. I'm trying to focus on just looking forward to the trip, but I can't help constantly wondering whether I'll be pregnant or not while we're there. We only managed O-2 anyway so my chances aren't great.

[HoneySpider]

Feb 24, 2015 15:24:58 GMT -5 loira said:

Feb 24, 2015 15:12:22 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

I had been putting off watching last week's episode of Grey's because I knew it was going to hit very close to home...we watched it last night and DH & I were basically like yup, we know this story. Ugh. I'm torn because I'm glad they talk about loss on tv but I also don't really want to relive it, you know?

Oh, this was mentioned on TTTC last week. H and I haven't started this season, but I'm dreading this episode. I totally understand what you mean about reliving it. Also, I very deliberately made sure I was off my head on morphine for my delivery (they wouldn't give me an epidural). I can't imagine what the whole thing must have LOOKED like, and I'm not sure I ever want to know. H has never told me, and I don't think he wants to talk about it.

There's one scene where they are walking down the hall on the way to get prepped and the look on their faces...it's exactly what I imagine we must have looked like. I don't even know how to describe it, just a look of numbness. So awful. I imagine your experience was probably very close to what they portray on the show

[raangoli]

belle55 - I am sorry you are having the same thoughts/anxiety. It's so tough. I tried to tell myself I'd be calm and collected about trying again, but it's not working.

I hope your trip to SD helps to take your mind off of things for a bit.

I was talking to someone about my fears and anxiety yesterday and they suggested trying to focus on positive imagery. I am going to give it a try, since I don't have much to lose.

[july]

I had a terrible day on Friday. I had a rare opportunity to work over the weekend and took it because I knew it would keep my mind off of things and make the time go by faster. On Monday, I went downhill again. I talked to my doctor last week about it. I think I just need to wait it out until hormones adjust and hope it goes away soon, but when? Work is very political right now and I am so frustrated. So are my employees, so it is not just me. I can't handle the stress at work and it can cause me to sink into a funk that I can't climb out of. I just have to wait it out, and then as quickly as I got in the mood, I am better. I am not a crier, but I couldn't keep it together in a training class yesterday and had to hide the tears rolling down my cheeks. Then, I cried all the way home in the car and almost all evenings. My husband got frustrated at my mood and said the wrong things to me this morning. My family was the only thing that I haven't felt like I failed at when I am in the funky mood, so it really hurt me. I know he loves me and didn't realize I was in a funky mood. I just want to be able to rationalize a plan to feel better and fix the issues that make me stressed, but I can't. I am feeling better at the moment.

[rt2008]

I'm feeling hopeful due to the progesterone I was prescribed to take when I get a next bfp. But I am also very anxious since my last 3 bfps ended in losses. I have a mix of emotions everyday on the subject. I'm 9 dpo so I'll probably test in a couple days.

[Mushe]

I'm sorry, july! I can really empathize. The stress is awful for TTC, which causes more stress. Ahhh, what to do with that?

[july]

Enjoy your trip, loira

[raangoli]

july - I am so sorry. I remember the feeling well, and it will sometimes still hit me at the oddest times. In time the pain subsides, but it will always be there (or at least that is how I have found it to be).

rt2008 - Fingers crossed for you in the next few days.

[awick14]

((Hugs)) everyone.

DH and I are behind on Greys Anatomy, as we are watching it on Netflix and we are done what they have on there. Hopefully they will add more episodes soon.

I am having huge fluctuations of emotions lately. March brings out most recent EDD as well as the 2 year mark since our first BFP.

DH and I are back at each other's throats about stupid petty stuff, but we are so calm about anything that's big. Wtf? We finally get in a good place and then all the little things are driving me crazy. Urg

I started talking to my therapist again and I feel that it's helping me figure things out. Hopefully we can figure this out and this phase passes quickly.

I am terrified to be pregnant again, I think when the time comes we are not going to tell anyone this time. I haven't talked to DH about it yet but I think it will be the right thing to do emotionally for us. Last time we told everyone right away and they were always concerned about how the pregnancy was doing and it broke my heart to "let them down" again, you know. Which I also know is crazy because it's not my fault and all but urg.

[loira]

((july)) I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it.

awick14, we've stopped telling anyone anything. I tell my BFF everything because I need some support other than my H. My parents knew after the fact that we'd had subsequent m/cs because I wanted my mum to do research on doctors for when we move. In-laws know nothing, nor do other friends or family. It's just easier.

[raangoli]

@awick I can see where you're coming from and not wanting to tell anyone. I wouldn't want to either and doubt we will next time.

Hugs.

[july]

Thanks. The rest of the week ended up being good. I hate the weird moods. I am hoping they are just due to the hormones trying the balance out.

On a happier note, my body recovered quickly and I will be back to peeing on things next week.