Post by mrsukyankee on Feb 26, 2015 3:33:45 GMT -5
Have you tried meeting non-mom expats? Cause some of us are out there (even in our 30s and 40s) and might be happy to meet you. I know it's harder to meet us when you have a child, but if you can find a group that has some non-moms then perhaps one or two will stick out. I'm a bit quiet when I meet new people but if you give me more than one shot, I become a lot more interesting and fun. And I hang out with moms & their kids cause I get that they can't always go out. We do exist!
I get it, I really do. I volunteer at school a lot (yeah, yeah, I know, I'm one of them!) and I'm happy whenever the workroom is empty. I'm tired of "What grade is your child in? Who is his teacher? What are the ages of your other kids? Just one? What activities is he in? Did you request a teacher for next year?" I don't want to chat about that.
I think it's just that kids tend to be common ground. It really is like dating. I have managed to make some good friends because of my volunteer stuff, which is cool. But yeah, I'm tired of feeling like I'm at an interview every time I'm at some kid related function.
Yes, the interview-ish part kills me. I don't know how many times I've had to talk about whether DD likes the school, how tall she is, what after school activities is she in. And whenever I make a joke about it, "like, yeah, we're not worried, as long as she learns to read by the time she graduates, we're good" or something along those lines, people look at me like I have two heads. I feel like everyone is so uptight. I don't know.
It's also not dissimilar from being around people like my husband's friends who talk and talk and talk only about work stuff. The whole reason we get together with friends outside of work and away from kids is so we don't have to talk about those two things for hours and hours. At least, that's why I go.
Post by Skyesthelimit1212 on Feb 26, 2015 8:53:11 GMT -5
What if you turned it around. Plan a dinner out with drinks and invite the parents to dinner or out to dinner, sans kids. Make it a NO KIDS night. I'm sure the parents approaching you just want to get to know you and kids are your common denominator (sp).
Post by rupertpenny on Feb 26, 2015 9:02:43 GMT -5
I completely understand what you mean. I feel like ever since I got pregnant no one will talk to me about anything besides my kid. Even childfree people. It gets so old, so fast. I don't think she's the most interesting thing about me, but obviously I must be wrong.
The expat thing is hard too. I find expat women with kids here are a lost exclusively SAHM with at least one, sometimes two live in nannies. Our schedules don't mesh well haha.
I went to a play date with local moms this weekend but that was kind of awkward too. They don't need to be friends with me because they all have such extensive support networks already.
I think making friends after 20 is so difficult. I have a hard time as I am quiet/introverted in many ways. My discomfort with my current state of weight does not help, but I love people. Anyway, I think you are possibly in a similar boat as me....could you be wishing for people you have elsewhere? I mean, friends we've had for 20 or more years always are the best but they can't really be recreated. Im not sure if this is making sense/
Post by mominatrix on Feb 26, 2015 10:16:47 GMT -5
darnkatz ...PM me! When's good for you? I'd love to hang with you and not talk about kids.
I'm going a bit crazy. For me, having kids helps with the initial meeting people and interactions and I'm actually OK with the 20 questions to get you started (it's like the 20 you start with dating - - What do you do? Do you like it? How's the parking down there? How do you get into something like that? Where are you from? blah blah blah)
...I have quite a few good acquaintances. People who it's nice to say 'hi' to and hang out with while the kids are in sports practices, and you're sitting there. People I can chat with at the school and not want to gauge my eyes out.
But to take the dating analogy further... I don't know how to get them to the next level. We have, I guess, one couple who are actually friends of ours, we've done stuff without kids and it's been fun... but it's rare and hard to come by.
Part of my problem is that I'm holding my breath until September, when DS starts Kindergarten. Then, they'll both be in school full time, at the same school, and I feel like I'm going to have so much time to do what I want to do and see who I want to be and it'll be just...
So no one likes hanging with other moms even other moms? Is that what I'm gathering? There's a problem here. Maybe the first issue is stop calling social gatherings "moms groups." Stop defining your friendships by your procreation skills. Everyone has something in their life that goes beyond their kids. Start tapping into that when you meet new people. And stop expecting that just because you have the title of "mom" in common with someone else that means you can (or cant't) be friends with them. Friendships run deeper than a common title. And maybe the reason why "you" (general you) can't make friends with other moms is because everyone has the exact same hang up with "I hate hanging with other moms." Maybe there needs to be an attitude change.
Sorry. By the third "I hate other moms" comment I started to feel ranty.
I think some people are just good at conversing. All the rest of us fall back on crappy small talk until we get warmed up. In HS it was sports/where you want to go to college. In college it was where you were from and your major. Your 20's: what do you do? where did you go to school? where are you from? Then it's about your wedding planning, pregnancy, etc....
If you are going to go against small talk, you have to be prepared to hold someone's hand through the conversation - know how to ask them questions and draw them out. Eventually they get it and click over to normal stuff. I know, b/c I'm one of these PITAs. I don't blame you for wanting to avoid, but it's all about working w/ what you have, right?
This is what I was going to say. In these situations it sounds like people like you and want to know you, but talking about kids is safe and it's where people start out. I HATE making small talk, but talking about my kids is easy because I don't have to think about it. I find it hard to believe that all these women will only talk about their kids, maybe they just need a little push and to get more comfortable with you.
So no one likes hanging with other moms even other moms? Is that what I'm gathering? There's a problem here. Maybe the first issue is stop calling social gatherings "moms groups." Stop defining your friendships by your procreation skills. Everyone has something in their life that goes beyond their kids. Start tapping into that when you meet new people. And stop expecting that just because you have the title of "mom" in common with someone else that means you can (or cant't) be friends with them. Friendships run deeper than a common title. And maybe the reason why "you" (general you) can't make friends with other moms is because everyone has the exact same hang up with "I hate hanging with other moms." Maybe there needs to be an attitude change.
Sorry. By the third "I hate other moms" comment I started to feel ranty.
here here. I have some really awesome friends and a lot of them happen to be moms. A lot of us even have kids the exact same age. I don't call them my "mom friends" or even use the word "mom" when referring to them. We do things as families or couples or just the women. Maybe I'm really lucky, but it would never occur to me to not hang out with someone because they were a mom. Just like it wouldn't occur to me to not hang out with someone because they aren't a mom.
So no one likes hanging with other moms even other moms? Is that what I'm gathering? There's a problem here. Maybe the first issue is stop calling social gatherings "moms groups." Stop defining your friendships by your procreation skills. Everyone has something in their life that goes beyond their kids. Start tapping into that when you meet new people. And stop expecting that just because you have the title of "mom" in common with someone else that means you can (or cant't) be friends with them. Friendships run deeper than a common title. And maybe the reason why "you" (general you) can't make friends with other moms is because everyone has the exact same hang up with "I hate hanging with other moms." Maybe there needs to be an attitude change.
Sorry. By the third "I hate other moms" comment I started to feel ranty.
Thank you! This post was rubbing me the wrong way and I couldn't figure out why. You summed it up..
Oh, I hear you! I moved from my core friends in CO (wish I was going to the GTG and CO) about 3 years ago and it's been tough finding my new people.
When I was invited to a new book club last week, I got excited b/c "Yea, new women who seem cool and so what if we all have K-3rd graders at the same school!" Nope, I go tomorrow night and am now dreading it b/c the other ladies have already started talking about reading parenting books. Who wants to read parenting books as a group?!
I realize this is an older post but tell them to read The Family Fang.
It's a how not to parent guide. My Mom's reading it in her book club right now. So much fun.
So no one likes hanging with other moms even other moms? Is that what I'm gathering? There's a problem here. Maybe the first issue is stop calling social gatherings "moms groups." Stop defining your friendships by your procreation skills. Everyone has something in their life that goes beyond their kids. Start tapping into that when you meet new people. And stop expecting that just because you have the title of "mom" in common with someone else that means you can (or cant't) be friends with them. Friendships run deeper than a common title. And maybe the reason why "you" (general you) can't make friends with other moms is because everyone has the exact same hang up with "I hate hanging with other moms." Maybe there needs to be an attitude change.
Sorry. By the third "I hate other moms" comment I started to feel ranty.
That was kind of the point of the post. There are so many groups of women that I meet that are so much more than moms, and when I try to connect with on another level we just can't get past that one thing and it gets to me sometimes. Most of my oldest friends are moms and it's cool. Many of the people I've met IRL from here are moms, also totally cool. I don't have an issue with that at all. It's that when trying to make new friends, you get stuck there sometimes. It's sort of like people who no matter what you do, they only talk about their jobs. It's frustrating. But jesus knows I don't hate moms. That would be ridiculous. I don't think people meant it that literally.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Feb 27, 2015 1:08:00 GMT -5
I feel the same way, though fortunately I have several close child-free friends locally.
I mean, it's not that I dislike other moms for being moms or anything, but I'm going to need more in common with someone than just having a child to enjoy her company. I get frustrated when people are all, "You need mom friends now." There's nothing wrong with the friends I have, thank you very much. And I love that I don't have to worry about accidentally stumbling into mommy war topics with them.
I hope you find your people, locally, moms or otherwise. It can take a long time, but my experience is that when you find someone you really click with, it can get better very quickly, because you'll get to meet that person's friends and will probably like them too.