Those with shared custody and toddlers

[jenstar]

Did your kid/s adjust well to sleeping somewhere else? If not, what did you do to help, if anything?

I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. DS has just recently started having overnights with stbx and he has started to really struggle with being left now at bedtime and nap times. At the other house he has a big bed (he is still in a crib here) so his dad sits with him while he falls asleep. When he wakes in the night stbx just takes him to sleep in his bed for the rest of the night.

I cannot remember the last time I had to help him to sleep unless he was sick maybe. I've been able to put him in bed, leave and shut the door since before he was 1 and he's 2.5 now. I'm really annoyed that stbx hasn't even attempted to have him sleep a full night in his bed there and now I can't leave him to go to sleep without complete hysterics. He's ok if I sit in his room but I don't want to do that forever and I'm concerned that he's starting a habit that will be very hard to break. My saving grace as a single parent was his excellent sleeping habits!

I don't know what to do. Any advice and or success stories welcome!

[Emerald1486]

I have a toddler, but XH and I have been separated since DS was a month old. So this is routine for him.

Have you talked to your STBXH about this yet? I'm not sure where you two are as far as communication goes. XH and I could barely talk in the beginning but now we are fine.
When DS got to the age where we felt it was time to go to the big boy bed, he and I discussed it and we switched from crib to bed at the same time. We also try to have a similar routine at the houses.

One thing I do with DS is we have a wind down time, where for 30 minutes or so we snuggle on the couch with the lights off (DS's insistance) and usually watch TV. Sometimes I'll turn a light on and we will read instead. Then I send him to bed. He still resists me a bit, but nowhere near as bad as it used to be

[cuddlyevil]

They do all right. DS#2 is now having some troubles with the new schedule. DD helps, there is one picture of me in stbx's house and DD gives it to the boys--it seems to help. Other times, their dad has to take care of it.

A consistent routine at both houses will be helpful. But also remember it's going to take some time for him to adjust.

[acr]

It was (and still can be) a struggle. DS generally hasn't had his own room at XH's so he shares a bed with his dad when he's there. We definitely go through phases when DS cries for someone to be in his room with him once he comes home. Sometimes it takes a few days for me to get DS back on track with sleep expectations.

I had the same annoyance with my XH when we first separated - he didn't really try to enforce sleeping in his own bed (that was when DS was 3.5).

I do a combination of things depending on what seems to work at the time. For a while we had a sticker chart. I had a list of rules up on his wall (put on pjs, brush teeth, 3 stories, 3 timers, stay in bed, you are allowed to play/read books in bed quietly). If he followed the sleep rules, then he'd get a sticker. Eventually we'd go do something fun. I've always laid with him at night & we have 3 timers that go off to count down til I leave. Sometimes I offer to leave the door open until he falls asleep, sometimes I tell him I'll check back on him in 5 minutes.

My general philosophy is to give in most of the way to what he needs those first couple of nights back. Then I start easing back what I'm willing to do.

It's tough to see them struggling with that transition. The best you can do is to make your house feel safe & eventually the kids will learn that the rules at each house are different.

[1confused1]

I'm really sorry, it's very frustrating.

I don't really have any advice because my kids still don't have a schedule or routine at their dad's. I know they will come home exhausted and just plan for a day or two adjustment.

[jenstar]

Thanks for the commiserations and ideas! I was so tired I forgot I had even posted this last night lol! He had a pretty good night last night although he begged and pleaded with me for 15-20 mins before I gave in and just sat on the floor. I snuck out after about 10 mins but kept having to shush him through the monitor. Had a bit more of that at 6am but he went back to sleep. This morning I made a big deal about how he had such a big sleep and went to sleep all by himself! He seemed to agree I feel about 200% better after a good nights rest myself, thank god!

Emerald1486, his dad and I get along ok but he doesn't really give a shit about how things affect people other than himself. He would likely agree to keeping him in his own bed and then in the motn would not bother so he doesn't have to miss a precious few minutes of his own sleep. So I have little faith that anything would change but I will talk to him before the next sleep over.

acr I am the same really, I can't bear to hear him cry hysterically at all so I want to make it easy on him but at the same time not start something he will then demand all the time. He started overnights probably a month ago and he has been asking me to stay but until this last week has been ok with me saying I just need to use the toilet or something and I'll come back, then he just falls asleep on his own. Now it's a massive ordeal to go to sleep by himself

[acr]

Mar 3, 2015 16:35:05 GMT -5 jenstar said:

acr I am the same really, I can't bear to hear him cry hysterically at all so I want to make it easy on him but at the same time not start something he will then demand all the time. He started overnights probably a month ago and he has been asking me to stay but until this last week has been ok with me saying I just need to use the toilet or something and I'll come back, then he just falls asleep on his own. Now it's a massive ordeal to go to sleep by himself

I understand that concern totally - I used to worry about setting up bad habits a lot (and still do to some extent). I'm learning my son may need lots of support when he gets back from his dad's. Things are just different there; he comes back tired, and I think he really benefits from the extra time with me at night. I have found that I really don't have to continue doing the extensive bedtimes with him every night, particularly as time goes on and he gets used to the transitions. I have my hard & fast rules - the primary ones being he doesn't sleep in my room & I don't sleep in his room. But I'm okay laying with him a bit longer, checking on him every few minutes, etc until he's relaxed enough to sleep. He also has lots of lights on when he sleeps.

My advice is to do what your heart tells you is right for him even if it goes against what you think may ruin his sleep forever. It probably won't!

[jenstar]

Mar 3, 2015 17:00:45 GMT -5 acr said:

Mar 3, 2015 16:35:05 GMT -5 jenstar said:

acr I am the same really, I can't bear to hear him cry hysterically at all so I want to make it easy on him but at the same time not start something he will then demand all the time. He started overnights probably a month ago and he has been asking me to stay but until this last week has been ok with me saying I just need to use the toilet or something and I'll come back, then he just falls asleep on his own. Now it's a massive ordeal to go to sleep by himself

I understand that concern totally - I used to worry about setting up bad habits a lot (and still do to some extent). I'm learning my son may need lots of support when he gets back from his dad's. Things are just different there; he comes back tired, and I think he really benefits from the extra time with me at night. I have found that I really don't have to continue doing the extensive bedtimes with him every night, particularly as time goes on and he gets used to the transitions. I have my hard & fast rules - the primary ones being he doesn't sleep in my room & I don't sleep in his room. But I'm okay laying with him a bit longer, checking on him every few minutes, etc until he's relaxed enough to sleep. He also has lots of lights on when he sleeps.

My advice is to do what your heart tells you is right for him even if it goes against what you think may ruin his sleep forever. It probably won't!

Thanks! It is helpful to know that you haven't had to do it extensively. I am happy to sit with him for a bit while he falls asleep I just don't want to end up doing it every night. I do think once he feels more confident that I'm nearby again he'll relax and I'll be able to tell him I have to do something and he can call if he needs me. It did not feel that way last night at all lol. He slept so badly during his first year that I freak out anytime anything sleep related happens but hopefully it's not warranted!

Thanks again for sharing your experience, it's really comforting to hear.