Tantrums that strangers cause

[Deleted]

We are all sitting playing playdoh on my Moms patio.
Then her friends stop by and they talk to Layla and one of them grab her and say 'can we see your dress?' L twists away and says 'no thanks'. And the lady grabs her and pulls her to standing. What the heck lady! She said no.
Then l has a full on tantrum smacking me (she does this when she gets overwhelmed and frustrated and tired) and looks like a brat. I am trying to calm her but I know that she just needs to work through it and I don't really want to punish her or she will get more wound up.
After a few minutes of judging eyes of my parenting and my kid, she was okay.
I really wanted to say 'that lady shouldn't have touched you and I can see you are upset. Please use your words' but if course I couldn't even say that.
Grown ups have no respect for children.
Would you do something while she is hitting and freaking out? (Picking her up just creates more danger )

[Deleted]

You are right. I'd have a tantrum myself if some random grabbed me to check out my outfit and 33.

I wouldn't have done anything other than grab my kid, give her a hug and say as loudly as I can, "SoandSo must've misunderstood you when you said No. You were playing so nice! Let's get back to it. It's okay!"

[6fsn]

I would have shamed the adult. My kid's safety comes before someone else's desire to see a dress. I'm also pretty immune to judging.

[darnkatz]

I'm impressed that you didn't say anything to that woman. Because my exact response would have been, "Do not lay hands on my child. She said no." I also would have told my kid that no one should touch her without her consent, but I'm a bitch like that.

My 22 month old throws tantrums when she gets overwhelmed like that as well. It sucks. I just have to ride it out and talk to her calmly until she can soothe herself to the point of stopping.

[Deleted]

Oh hell no. I would have loudly said "You are upset because someone tried to touch you when you did not want to be touched. That was wrong of her. Our bodies belong to ourselves and other people cannot touch your body without permission."

As the mom of two girls I have a gigantic soapbox about being in control of our own bodies and not touching anyone or giving affection when you are uncomfortable about it.obviously this is an important lesson for all human beings, not just young girls, but unfortunately in our culture women are more often the victims of unwanted touching and other contact.

That being said of course it is understandable that you didn't have the right words at the right time or didn't react as you might wish you had in hindsight. That happens to all of us. but you shouldn't feel bad about her throwing a tantrum and you certainly shouldn't feel embarrassed about L's behavior in front of such disrespectful strangers.

[satsuma]

I'm really big on not forcing unwanted and unneeded physical contact with DS. It's how I try to model that it's important for him to stop when he's getting too rough (or even too friendly) with others. In the same vein, I would walk away from him if he was smacking me during a tantrum. At least as far as possible without triggering that fear of being abandoned, which I get would be hard in your daughter's situation. Since she didn't want to be held or picked up, then I guess you just do nothing until she is calm.

[waterchurch]

I hate it when people treat my kids like they're there for their own amusement. (That was an unintentional use of all three of those words. Awesome! Anyway.) It drives me up a wall. I don't know what I would have done in the moment because I'm bad at coming up with the proper shaming on the spot. But death glares would have happened. Plus the perfect comeback on the drive home.

[satsuma]

Mar 5, 2015 18:02:55 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

You are right. I'd have a tantrum myself if some random grabbed me to check out my outfit and 33.

I wouldn't have done anything other than grab my kid, give her a hug and say as loudly as I can, "SoandSo must've misunderstood you when you said No. You were playing so nice! Let's get back to it. It's okay!"

The more I think about this situation, the more I think this response might be sweeping it under the rug a little too fast. I clearly remember the time I accidentally grabbed a stranger's hand at the grocery store and the horror when I realized it wasn't my mom's. I can't imagine how much more traumatic it would be to have a stranger grab me. 

[Deleted]

Mar 5, 2015 18:34:54 GMT -5 satsuma said:

Mar 5, 2015 18:02:55 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

You are right. I'd have a tantrum myself if some random grabbed me to check out my outfit and 33.

I wouldn't have done anything other than grab my kid, give her a hug and say as loudly as I can, "SoandSo must've misunderstood you when you said No. You were playing so nice! Let's get back to it. It's okay!"

The more I think about this situation, the more I think this response might be sweeping it under the rug a little too fast. I clearly remember the time I accidentally grabbed a stranger's hand at the grocery store and the horror when I realized it wasn't my mom's. I can't imagine how much more traumatic it would be to have a stranger grab me. 

Eh. If it was in a store with a total stranger I'd have a different response. At a home she knows, with a friend someone at least recognizes and knows it'd just be me goal to end the tantrum and get back to whatever we were doing peacefully, kwim? 

I'd probably talk to DD about it later (I know you were upset. That was really hard. This is what we should try next time). 

And I know it's not a common philosophy on this board but I tend to give grandma age older ladies a pass. They tend to not know what they do sometimes. They cause harm when they didn't necessarily mean to. And they're IMPOSSIBLE to argue with so I'm only willing to exert so much energy on the matter.

[Deleted]

By the way it is definitely not too late for you to talk to her about how what these women did was wrong and how other people should not touch her without permission. I would give her some appropriate things to say (like a loud "no" or "please don't touch me") instead of throwing a tantrum in a similar situation.

[satsuma]

Mar 5, 2015 18:42:07 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Mar 5, 2015 18:34:54 GMT -5 satsuma said:

The more I think about this situation, the more I think this response might be sweeping it under the rug a little too fast. I clearly remember the time I accidentally grabbed a stranger's hand at the grocery store and the horror when I realized it wasn't my mom's. I can't imagine how much more traumatic it would be to have a stranger grab me. 

Eh. If it was in a store with a total stranger I'd have a different response. At a home she knows, with a friend someone at least recognizes and knows it'd just be me goal to end the tantrum and get back to whatever we were doing peacefully, kwim? 

I'd probably talk to DD about it later (I know you were upset. That was really hard. This is what we should try next time). 

And I know it's not a common philosophy on this board but I tend to give grandma age older ladies a pass. They tend to not know what they do sometimes. They cause harm when they didn't necessarily mean to. And they're IMPOSSIBLE to argue with so I'm only willing to exert so much energy on the matter.

No, I get that. And while I might be tempted, I would probably not chew out a woman who is a friend of my mom's. I guess it just depends on how ready the kid seems to put it behind them. I don't want to draw out exploring his feelings, but I don't want to minimize stuff either. So I guess I'm still working on that balance

[Alyssa]

My FIL's wife is this way with my kids. She was the one adult at the tabel in a nice restaurant who was insistent on holding my kids when they were going through the whole stranger danger mode (between 9-12 months). They would freak out, she would think that meant that she should bop them up and down on her knee to calm them, that in turn pisses them off even more. Most people would hand them back to the parent, nope not her, I would have to go over and save my children.

[Deleted]

Mar 5, 2015 18:34:50 GMT -5 waterchurch said:

I hate it when people treat my kids like they're there for their own amusement. (That was an unintentional use of all three of those words. Awesome! Anyway.) It drives me up a wall. I don't know what I would have done in the moment because I'm bad at coming up with the proper shaming on the spot. But death glares would have happened. Plus the perfect comeback on the drive home.

First - yes awesome.

And back to the post - exactly - my kid is not here to entertain you.
I would have totally said something if I knew the person but she was my Moms friend and I just met her. And she felt a little bit bad afterwards but I could tell she mostly was judging me for letting her tantrum.
I did scream a bit about the situation inside after she was gone

[Deleted]

Mar 5, 2015 20:40:47 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

Mar 5, 2015 18:34:50 GMT -5 waterchurch said:

First - yes awesome.

And back to the post - exactly - my kid is not here to entertain you.
I would have totally said something if I knew the person but she was my Moms friend and I just met her. And she felt a little bit bad afterwards but I could tell she mostly was judging me for letting her tantrum.
I did scream a bit about the situation inside after she was gone

People want to judge my 3.5 year old's antics? They can take her home for awhile. 
Everyone who has ever been there knows better. And my GAF about people caring that my kid is having a meltdown was gone long ago. 

Hang in there. You're doing the best you can. Most people get that.

[Deleted]

Mar 5, 2015 20:55:54 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Mar 5, 2015 20:40:47 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

First - yes awesome.

And back to the post - exactly - my kid is not here to entertain you.
I would have totally said something if I knew the person but she was my Moms friend and I just met her. And she felt a little bit bad afterwards but I could tell she mostly was judging me for letting her tantrum.
I did scream a bit about the situation inside after she was gone

People want to judge my 3.5 year old's antics? They can take her home for awhile. 
Everyone who has ever been there knows better. And my GAF about people caring that my kid is having a meltdown was gone long ago. 

Hang in there. You're doing the best you can. Most people get that.

And seriously who cares what these bitches think of your parenting. I care if I get judged by people I like and respect. Not if I am judged by people who treat children like objects.

[Deleted]

Mar 5, 2015 21:14:52 GMT -5 page said:

Mar 5, 2015 20:55:54 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

People want to judge my 3.5 year old's antics? They can take her home for awhile. 
Everyone who has ever been there knows better. And my GAF about people caring that my kid is having a meltdown was gone long ago. 

Hang in there. You're doing the best you can. Most people get that.

And seriously who cares what these bitches think of your parenting. I care if I get judged by people I like and respect. Not if I am judged by people who treat children like objects.

Word. I care if my mom or MIL judges me/comments but I respect them both tremendously. I have a few Mom friends whose opinion I'd care about. A few others too maybe? A blue haired old lady, you just met and probably won't see again and caused your kid's outburst in the first place? She's not it.