How do you deal with sibling fights?

[Deleted]

Hi everyone,

Just clinging to my last scraps of sanity as my 3 year old drives me insane. He is CONSTANTLY after DD (she's 1) and I'm just at a loss for how to get him to leave her the F alone!!

Has anyone dealt with this? If she's playing with something, he rips it away, knocks her over when she's trying to walk, goes in for a kiss/hug/squeeze but so hard that his jaw is clenched, screamed "No!! DD, go away!!" when she so much as crawls by him. I have done time outs, empathizing, encouraging playing together, but nothing works. I can't sit between them all day and referee, and I'm just feeling fed up of the constant teasing and crying. Help!! I can't get anything done because the minute I turn my back, I hear crashing and screaming. 

What do you do when one of your kids is picking on the other? I'm so frustrated and disappointed that this is their sibling dynamic so far. I know DS loves DD, but he just won't back the F off her for a second! TIA for any suggestions.

[usm]

Does your DS have his own space to play that baby can't get? DS1 was getting very territorial and kind of aggressive with his brother when DS2 started crawling and moving around. Part of it was he had trouble realizing they weren't the same age and size, another issue was he was worried DS2 was going to mess with what he was playing. I taught him he could go to his room, shut the door and play without worrying his brother would mess it up. I also spent a lot of time teaching him how they could play together. Honestly, DS2 is tougher and puts up with some abuse from his brother. Those are hard ages, their relationship will continue to change and this doesn't set the tone for them.

[Deleted]

Thanks, those are good points! I just worry that they're never going to like each other. It's at the point where DD gets upset when DS comes near her now, because she knows he's going to be rough. I think I need to just give up on getting anything done around the house for a while and spend the time sitting between them, teaching them how to play together, or at least play side-by-side without tears! I don't think my DS would go play in his room without me, but he might surprise me! I'll give it a try.

[usm]

Yes maybe if you make it a big deal? DS1 loves to build things and play hot wheels and would get upset if Ds2 crawled in his direction. He would run over and push him to head anything off. I dealt with the pushing behavior but I'd also say "that's really cool and if you don't want it to get messed up maybe you should go to your room where he can't get it." I had to do a lot of empathy training reminding him of times friends or his brother took something from him without asking. I have to reiterate often that I am the mommy and I will handle discipline. Your not allowed to hit, push or yell even if your brother is doing something you don't like. It was by no means perfect but at 4.5 and 2.5, they play decent together or atleast DS1 knows how to appropriately stop him and play alone.

[gennyu]

By having an only child?
Sorry, I'm no help.

[dizzycooks]

Not really a lot of help here, but we did move my older daughters train table upstairs so the baby wouldn't destroy it. Except now the baby can do stairs so she's really out of luck. I try to keep the little one busy elsewhere and tell dd1 to play at the table if it's something with small parts or I'll suggest she give the little one a certain toy or one piece of her toy (a train, a few blocks, etc) to play with. I try to explain that the baby is just learning and wants to be like you. It takes a lot of patience. Unfortunately, my girls share a room so sending one to play there isn't an option since it's both of their room.

[Deleted]

Thanks, all! I spent more time sitting with them to referee today, which might be as good as it gets for a while. There was still a lot of squabbling, but I hope that DS will get it as I model how to play together more and more. He wouldn't go play in his room, but when he was being rough I told him DD and I were going to play upstairs because he was being too rough. He eventually came up to see what we were doing and seemed a little calmer. (For a while - haha!) I think I do need to give him his own space and toys so he has things he doesn't have to share. Thanks for bringing that up!

[quesyrah]

My kids are 5 and 19 months. DS has certain toys that he doesn't have to share. He's also allowed to have sister-free time in his room with the door shut. Having some space where she isn't constantly getting into things seems to be really important to him.

Other than that, separating them and time outs or other appropriate consequences for physical behavior

[niki]

My kids are 2 and 4.5. The general rule is that you have exclusive rights to the toy as long as you are engaging with the toy. You put it down and stop playing with it, it is fair game. Lovies/buddies don't count. They always go to the child who owns it at any time they desire it.

My 4.5- year old has a space he plays in when he doesn't want his brother messing with his Legos (the landing of our staircase, which is blocked with a baby gate). Close enough that I can still keep an eye in him but far enough away from baby bro.

[expectantsteelerfan]

My kids don't ever want time away from each other (though I do try to have them play on their own a bit each afternoon because I think it's good for them and they NEED a break from each other and I need a break from them together), but just trying to throw out another perspective. My ds NEVER wanted to go up to his room and play by himself...he would have seen that as a punishment. My strategy has always been not so much to separate them, but just to take what they are fighting over away and to redirect them to something they play well together with.
I really have no advice on how to get them to get along better though. Mine fight all.the.time, but I also feel like from the time she was mobile, mine have just constantly been together.
Actually, the more I think about it, dd is more interested in 'stuff' and ds is more interested in being around people. So if yours are like that too, I'd be more inclined to tell your ds 'if you want to play with us, you have to do it nicely' and if your dd isn't playing nicely, she gets moved to somewhere ds can't bother her (up in a high chair to play with the toy, in a pnp, in the kitchen with you while your ds isn't. And then if you do need to separate, move you and your dd instead of moving your ds like you did.

[erbear]

They're young. Dd can't play with him yet and so he's frustrated. Mine are 4 and 6, and in The last year and a half, they have really become close. They loved each other before, but there was a lot of frustration over playing since they seemed very far apart developmentally. 

In e meantime, there isn't much to do other than encourage him to play nicely with her, stay with them and supervise, and remove him when he's acting too rough.