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[rosesandpetals]

DH and I went to a counseling session today. We talked afterward and he admitted he has been having dd's school keep tabs on me. Apparently, they call him when I pick up or drop off so he knows what's going on. He also told them there was some "trouble" going on at home and he's worried about her.

I am fucking livid. I can't believe he would ask them to do that and I can't believe they would do it. she's not going back of course but apparently the director knew so I don't know who to complain to. It took all of my will power to not go down there and let them all have an earful. I'm literally sick to my stomach. it feels so slimy and gross.

Ftr, dh isn't living here but he does see her often.

[usm]

Hugs! That sucks, I am so sorry. I would be raging!

[quesyrah]

Wow it would be so pissed. How does the school
Think it's even remotely okay to give him that kind of info? Is there a board of ed or anyone over the director you can call?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this

[gwapes]

Big hugs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[lexus]

I'm sorry it has come to this. Can I respctfully say that I don't think its bad that he told them there is trouble at home. I hope he didn't a ton of details but I think your Dd's caretakers should know that her normal is changing so they can help her deal with it.

[lyingliarlies]

Oh honey I am sorry. As if you didn't already have enough to feel angry & confused about.

Keep in mind that this could be related to his injury, but obviously that doesn't have any bearing on the school's role & questionable compliance with his request.

[lexus]

The other part is weird and creepy, I agree. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[penguingrrl]

I'm so sorry.

[ashb62]

I'm so sorry! Huge ((hugs))

[momin2013]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Hugs.

[rosesandpetals]

Mar 10, 2015 18:59:15 GMT -5 lexus said:

I'm sorry it has come to this. Can I respctfully say that I don't think its bad that he told them there is trouble at home. I hope he didn't a ton of details but I think your Dd's caretakers should know that her normal is changing so they can help her deal with it.

He intentionally said it in a way that made it look like I was causing the problems. "There's trouble at home, can you let me know whenever she comes in? I need to keep an eye on things." Of course they should know things are changing but he's being slimy about it.

It is a private preschool so I am going to do what I can... Basically just complain to everyone. I seriously cannot believe they would do that.

Fuck, this week has been fucking awful.

[jag01]

And they complied with his request?!?!? I'd have lost my shit on him. I'm confused as to why he even told you, was he trying to throw it in your face or did he actually feel bad about his actions and was trying to apologize? Good for you for keeping it together and being the better person. So sorry that this is happening to you.

[rosesandpetals]

Mar 10, 2015 19:36:52 GMT -5 jag01 said:

And they complied with his request?!?!? I'd have lost my shit on him. I'm confused as to why he even told you, was he trying to throw it in your face or did he actually feel bad about his actions and was trying to apologize? Good for you for keeping it together and being the better person. So sorry that this is happening to you.

He didn't seem like he thought it was a big deal. It was just off-hand like, oh yeah, I knew you'd picked her up because they called and told me. He was honestly confused about why I was so angry and insisted he wouldn't have a problem with it. I just don't know what to think anymore.

[lexus]

Mar 10, 2015 19:36:32 GMT -5 rosesandpetals said:

Mar 10, 2015 18:59:15 GMT -5 lexus said:

I'm sorry it has come to this. Can I respctfully say that I don't think its bad that he told them there is trouble at home. I hope he didn't a ton of details but I think your Dd's caretakers should know that her normal is changing so they can help her deal with it.

He intentionally said it in a way that made it look like I was causing the problems. "There's trouble at home, can you let me know whenever she comes in? I need to keep an eye on things." Of course they should know things are changing but he's being slimy about it.

It is a private preschool so I am going to do what I can... Basically just complain to everyone. I seriously cannot believe they would do that.

Fuck, this week has been fucking awful.

Well that is definitely shitty. Much different than "hey there's been a few changes". I'm really sorry and I hope that didn't come across as callus.

[lala]

The school should have a board of directors, you can complain to them as well.

While it is normal to let teachers know when things are changing at home - calling the other parent behind one parent's back is not normal at all. And like a PP said, what school has time for this.

I'm sorry, though, this whole thing sucks. I wish he had mentioned it in the session so that the therapist could help you with it.

[rosesandpetals]

No, not callus. My relationship has turned into a lifetime movie and I just need to get it out. I know it is complicated. There are a lot of things to consider.

ETA: We have to sign her in on a computer so the times are all logged anyway. I also don't usually do the drop offs. So it was probably easy, saved there. Ugh.

CJ IMO the school should have said they don't get involved in custody disputes and if we are both legally allowed to pick her up then they won't interfere or report, at least without telling me.

[Kcthepouchh8r]

I'm so sorry he's acting like this.

[fancynewbeesly]

That sucks I am completely sorry.

[auroraloo]

Whoa. There should be a governing board, someone had to hire the director.

ETA: The school should know if there's a LEGITIMATE issue with custody and pickup and such, but there is absolutely no reason for the school to AGREE to assist a parent with stalker-like behavior. I don't know if there's a legal issue with it, but I would call the police and see if I could file a report against the school and potentially the spouse.

[cna]

I'm so sorry roses, that just really, really sucks. Honestly the trouble at home thing along with keeping tabs on you is giving me the icks.

[chatterbox]

The whole situation is worrisome. It seems like he's either trying to catch you doing something wrong to use against you, or he's obsessively stalking you. Please be careful.

[jjt616]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'd suggest that you get a temporary custody agreement right away just so you have something to go by that will hold up. With his erratic behavior you just don't know how he will act and what he will do. Again, I'm so very sorry for what you are going through.

[rosesandpetals]

I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this but I know you guys are right. I need to get a lawyer. There have been other issues (not with the school, though). It's especially hard because sometimes things are so normal and other times shit like this comes up. But I can't leave everything undocumented... and yeah, with the teachers led to believe I'm "causing trouble at home" or whatever, it could look bad if it comes to a custody battle.

Kimbus, I know what you are saying but he was doing it without telling me or the school telling me. It's not that I don't think he has a right to know she is safe and where she should be but I don't think they should be keeping a record of what I'm doing and reporting to him without at least telling me they're doing it.

[auroraloo]

Mar 10, 2015 21:35:02 GMT -5 cjcouple said:

Mar 10, 2015 21:16:27 GMT -5 auroraloo said:

Whoa. There should be a governing board, someone had to hire the director.

ETA: The school should know if there's a LEGITIMATE issue with custody and pickup and such, but there is absolutely no reason for the school to AGREE to assist a parent with stalker-like behavior. I don't know if there's a legal issue with it, but I would call the police and see if I could file a report against the school and potentially the spouse.

I agree but just playing devils advocate here. Do they even know they're separated? he said "trouble at home" which to me sounds like he is home and he is "worried" so he sounds like a legit concerned parent.

and let's face it. some seemingly normal parents go unexpectedly crazy and harm their children.

if he was level headed and went in there and was all "i am concerned and worried blah blah blah blah". the school might feel obligated to report a simple pick up/drop off. if I remember correctly roses said her dh is really good at playing people. unless I am thinking of someone else?

I certainly don't blame roses for losing her trust in the school. and big lesson learned for the new place. be direct and clear about situation. that's for sure.

"trouble at home" does not mean the school gets involved and reports one parent to the other. "Trouble at home" means the school goes on alert to watch out for the child, and if they see any signs of anything, they report it, as mandated. I cannot think of a situation where the school should be calling a parent reporting on another parent. If there is a legitimate concern, they report or call the police. 

[minerswife17]

I'm so sorry.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry, roses. Sending hugs and thoughts your way. If anything, I can imagine a school telling a parent if their child WASN'T dropped off or picked up, but calling every time you bring her there or pick her up seems crazy to me. Sorry your H is being so difficult. It does kind of seem like he might be trying to set you up or make you seem unreliable. If you're going back to counselling, definitely talk about it with a third party.

[gastro]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think if you haven't already you need a lawyer and to prepare for any custody/ legal battles up ahead.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. And I agree with @tooshort - you need to at least consult with an attorney. It is likely they will want you to document as much as possible just in case.

Also, louiej - are you around?

[dizzycooks]

Ugh Roses, I know you were having issues last spring and I know your husband had an injury, but I missed when things got this bad. I am so sorry. IMO, the school needs to watch our for your daughter as auroraloo said, but that doesn't mean calling to report her attendance. That should just be her well being and behaviour, if it changes, notify the parents, but otherwise they should stay out. You need a lawyer and you need to figure out a plan. I forget, are you working? Have you thought about what you are going to do next? I am sorry it's come to this and I hope he gets the appropriate help and works with you to keep things right for your daughter.

[momin2013]

Agree with PP's, Roses, I think you should be in contact with a lawyer. I'm in the same boat as cjcouple - I think it's very possible he could be planting seeds and starting to document/build a case against you (not that you're doing anything wrong, but the whole school thing is just baffling to me otherwise). He may very well already have a lawyer of his own.

You don't need to tell him you're talking to a lawyer at this point, but you need to get some advice so you're not at a disadvantage, and also so you know what you should be doing now to protect yourself in the future. I think you mentioned before you're not from the city where you're living now? If you don't know of any lawyers, you could maybe try calling a women's shelter; they should be able to point you in the right direction.

It really sucks you're going through this, I'm so sorry.