Sorry, I'm a mom and I like to gush over my children and tell them how cute and awesome they are multiple times a day. I have no plans to stop because some silly article came out telling me not to.
My mom acted the same way, she was always telling us how special we were and guess what, I didn't turn that into narcissism. I picked up on her warm parenting style and applied it to my own. I hold my mom way up high in my life and I hope some day my children will do the same to me.
Post by gibbinator on Mar 13, 2015 12:59:03 GMT -5
My mom used to pointedly refuse to tell me I was pretty because she didn't want me to associate my self worth with my looks. The end result was that 16yr old me tried to constantly fish for compliments just to hear her say I was beautiful (instead of "don't worry about what people think of your hair" or whatever) because what mom doesn't think their own kid is pretty? That didn't help my self esteem any. I was 20 something before I succeeded... I guess she figured I was no longer at risk of becoming vain
i compliment matilda "wrong" all the time then. "you're so beautiful! Oh you are so smart, that's a beautiful circle you drew! I love you! You are perfect!"
however I assume the amount of times I snap at her for doing annoying things will cancel all that out so she'll end up pretty well balanced
I haven't decided on my strategy for william yet since he's only 10 months. For now I just say "you smell nice" sort of... non-commitedly. Like I want him to know I enjoy his baby smell, but that it's POSSIBLE there are better smelling babies out there. You know? I haven't quite decided which way we'll go with this one.
I think I need to read several more blog posts first before I finalize my parenting strategy for #2
The results are quite clear: Parents who "overvalue" children during this developmental stage, telling them they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment, are more likely to produce narcissistic children -- who can grow up to become narcissistic adults, unless something is done about it.
"When children are seen by their parents as being more special and more entitled than other children, they may internalize the view that they are superior individuals, a view that is at the core of narcissism," the researchers wrote in a study released online Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. "But when children are treated by their parents with affection and appreciation, they may internalize the view that they are valuable individuals, a view that is at the core of self-esteem."
My kid thrives on praise and is totally deflated when she knows she didn't catch on or do something right. Were it not for praise she'd give up and go live in the woods.
My mom was abused and neglected in her childhood, as were all of her siblings, and they all have some form of clinical narcissism or borderline personality disorder.
As a result, she showered us with praise and never let a day go by without giving us compliments. We all still deal with low self-esteem and depression, regardless.
Narcissism comes from the fear that you don't matter at all, not the knowledge that you're amazing.
ETA: I based my Master's thesis on the idea that having a unquestioned identity (being "smart" or "pretty" or "funny") can cause harm because when that identity is tested later in life, when a "smart" kid gets in over her head in college or a "handsome" kid gets acne and gains a bunch of weight, they have no tools to encourage themselves beyond global labels. So, I will agree that giving those kinds of labels as compliments can be problematic, but not because it causes narcissism.
I think a lot of my anxiety has been due to feeling like I failed the "smart" label I had for the first 21 years of my life.