So pissed at DH

[smock]

I'm sorry that your H is being completely immature. I'm sure he's making an already stressful situation much worse.

Can you call the cops and report your FIL when you get home? He certainly shouldn't have a drivers license, because he's obviously a threat not only to himself and the people. In his car but also to everyone else on the road.

[osulori]

I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but I'm sorry you're dealing with this

[auntie]

I'm sorry. That must be so scary and infuriating.

I once went to Europe with DH while my parents watched DS; we had the CNN International on and saw footage of a hurricane in OCMD. I called my parents to see how things were since they have a house there. No answer. I called the house in OC and they answered. I get it.

FWIW, my mom has narcolepsy. I have no issues with DS driving with her; having someone in the car to talk with always keeps her awake and alert. She's never nodded off in the car unless someone else was driving. She has strategies like an open window and loud radio to help her when she drives alone. And she doesn't drive if she knows she's tired. My dad is rarely drives these days, mom drives up and down I-95 from ME to FL a couple times a year without incident.

That said, it's really sad to be in the most romantic city on earth with a consummate douche such as your DH is being right now. I hope he snaps out of it.

[curbsideprophet]

Mar 14, 2015 13:51:17 GMT -5 mellymel said:

DH just offered to "sacrifice himself if anything happens to the kids as a result of his parents driving them around."

WTF does that even mean?!

[undecidedowl]

Hugs. I would be in a blind rage about all that.

[thejen626]

I'm sorry

Fwiw, sit down with your DH and watch the documentary "what happened to Aunt Diane". Hopefully seeing the carnage that resulted from that accident will help him understand your side.

[ssmjlm]

I'll just ditto everything above and pray that nothing happens between now and your DH getting home.

However this discussion would continue because your children's safety are #1 and he isn't doing that by not talking to them.

[cilantro]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Have you called and spoken to the ILs directly and chewed them out so that they KNOW they are not to drive ANYWHERE with the kids now?

[Deleted]

Your H is being an ass, but probably for the same reason you are so stressed. You're 4,000 miles away and flying home tomorrow, so there is really not much either of you can do. You're both terrified about FIL driving the kids around but can't do a damn thing about it, other than lash out at each other.

Deep breaths. When you get how , thank the ILs for watching the kids and take a week or two to decompress. Then, sit down with your H and discuss how his sprints are never, ever going to be trusted wih your kids again. Because you're totally right, this in unacceptable. I give yourself some time to be calm, but then be cold calm and determined. I'm fucking furious on your behalf!

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2015 13:51:17 GMT -5 mellymel said:

DH just offered to "sacrifice himself if anything happens to the kids as a result of his parents driving them around."

I know I should not post this because GBCN never forgets but I am so filled with rage right now I don't even care.

He's being so very mature. And I'm done with this shit.

I promise to forget.
And I don't judge anything in this thread. Your H is being stupid but I don't think you should get a divorce just a conversation.

[lauren170]

It sounds like your H didn't talk to them before the trip though like you asked right? So when was the last time anyone talked the ILs about this? When your child was born? A couple of years ago? Yeah your DH dropped the ball big time on this one. Can you at least make sure he talks to them and MIL drives home?

[isabel]

Holy shit. That is beyond fucked up and I am raging for you. Raging.

H's dad is an alcoholic. He will never be alone with our kid. Ever. DH is beyond adamant about that. This, to me, is a similar situation. His dad drives drunk and has driven drunk in the past with H, his brother, and their cousins in the car. Obviously, this is something he has control over, unlike your FIL, but it doesn't change that it's a dangerous choice. I would never be able to get past it if H wasn't fully on board with this plan. I can't believe he let this slide.

[djc315]

OMG your anger is 100000% justified. I am so sorry your H is being such an idiot about this. Your ILs are delusional if they think he should be driving.

It sounds like you have it covered, but seriously PM me if you need anything.

[starlily]

Mar 14, 2015 13:16:29 GMT -5 SJ said:

usually when I read posts on here about people being mad, I don't get it.

This is NOT one of those times.

I would be livid beyond words. Absolutely unacceptable.

I would personally raise hell when i got home and directly and explicitly tell them they would never be allowed to be alone with my children again.

All of this.

Your H's and IL's behavior is pretty inexcusable here. I'd be raging over this for a very long time.

[ilikedonuts]

My ILs would be sobbing after the complete freak out I would have immediately had with them on the phone if they ACTIVELY ENDANGERED my kids' lives. Like to the point that they would be afraid they would never lay eyes on my children again.

[speckledfrog]

Mar 14, 2015 15:52:13 GMT -5 lauren170 said:

It sounds like your H didn't talk to them before the trip though like you asked right? So when was the last time anyone talked the ILs about this? When your child was born? A couple of years ago? Yeah your DH dropped the ball big time on this one. Can you at least make sure he talks to them and MIL drives home?

I suspect this is correct.  YH doesn't seem to be on your side here.  Kill them all.

[Deleted]

Omg, I'd be so angry. I can't even formulate a response right now because I'm angry for you.

[gibbinator]

The whole situation, your husband's reactions... So awful. I'm sorry. I hope he comes to his senses before he leaves tomorrow so you don't have to part on this note. Maybe sleep will help. He's being a real dick, obviously.

[sixtwelve]

Mar 14, 2015 12:52:12 GMT -5 felicity said:

I would be raging so much that I would be calling my mom or someone, anyone else to I pick them up and watch them until you get home.

Then shit would hit the fan with the ILs and I would never let them be alone with the kids again.

Not exaggerating.

I would be doing the same. Absolutely not OK.

[heygrey]

are you leaving together tomorrow? if not, was it planned that he go ahead of you?

[soxin2]

I'm in a similar situation. We solve this by never leaving our children alone with the person in question or with a combination of someones who would allow that person to drive.

DH broached the topic once. It was shrugged off. There is deep denial at play on all sides. It's systemic. I choose my battles.

My solution is I don't trust you, you don't be alone with my kid. I don't care what level biology/genealogy is involved.

[mellymel]

Mar 14, 2015 22:39:28 GMT -5 heygrey said:

are you leaving together tomorrow? if not, was it planned that he go ahead of you?

I am staying all of next week on business. This was always planned this way.

He just left for the airport. Things did not end on a happy note. I'm so upset still.

I just want to go home.

ETA: he did apologize last night for being a jerk. It was too late though (to salvage the day) and I am just still so upset that I can't forgive him. Because I still don't think he gets it. I hate that he just left on this note.

[whiskeyandwine]

I'm sorry Mellymel. I hate fighting w my H, and I imagine a week-long, trans-Atlantic fight feels pretty shitty.

I hope he has some time to reflect, and is willing to discuss when you get home.

[dulcemariamar]

I am so sorry. I hope you feel better knowing that your in-laws will no longer have your kids soon. In your situation, I would be so upset with my DH but I think things will eventually be ok. Try to enjoy your time in Paris. You deserve it.

[jeaniebueller]

I would report your FIL to SOS. I am sorry, OP.

[ECB]

Mar 15, 2015 2:08:44 GMT -5 mellymel said:

I am just still so upset that I can't forgive him. Because I still don't think he gets it. I hate that he just left on this note.

I think it's good for BOTH of you that you'll have some time apart.  He has the most thinking and introspection to do. But I think you need some distance too.  I hope that once you go home, the two of you can sit down and talk and hear one another.  And I really, really hope that he'll be able to articulate WHY he was a jerk.  And that he'll be able to show that he really does get it. 

While it doesn't excuse his behavior one bit, I do think what some people have said is probably true- he's had a knee-jerk reaction to realizing his parents made a really bad decision and what it all means - about their age, their health, their mental competence, etc.  I think many of us have our parents on a bit of a pedestal - even into adult hood.  And when you see, REALLY see, that they are human and are fully capable of making horrible decisions, it's a reality check that is sometimes really hard to accept.  Or if not a pedestal, just seeing that as our parents get older - it really changes them. 

BUT BUT BUT his role as a FATHER absolutely has to take priority here.  That's where the real problem is.  He's putting his role of son over his role of father here.  And he may not really realize he's doing it.  But this is what, I hope, is his realization process over this next week.  And if it's not- it's something the two of you need to talk about.  Gently  but thoroughly and firmly.   

His parents may be blind to FILs issues, but your DH absolutely can not be.  This pretending they don't know why he's totaled two cars in recent years is just reprehensible.  Your DH can NOT add to that by putting your kids in the car with them. 

I know you know this.  I'm just so angry for you that I want to YELL all this right at your DH for you. 

But seriously- take this time apart for yourself too. I wish you the best of luck and I, again, just really HOPE your DH comes around.