DH and I are in Paris. My mom and grandma watched the kids for the first two days, and the ILs are watching them last night thru tomorrow when DH gets home. I stay here for a whole week on business after DH leaves.
Backstory: my FIL is narcoleptic. Not diagnosed, but the dude falls asleep EVERYWHERE, ANYTIME. We actually had a talk with ILs about this when DS was born and how concerning it was to us. We basically said that we didn't ever want FIL alone with DS or to drive with DS because of it. They were both so upset, crying uncontrollably when we told them. They never deal with problems, they just sweep them under the rug. Since that time, FIL has gotten into two bad car accidents and has totaled the car in both accidents and broke some bones each time. He and MIL swear he didn't fall asleep at the wheel, but we will never know the truth. There was one time when MIL was in the car with FIL when he did fall asleep at the wheel and she had to wake him up.
Fast forward to pre-Paris trip. I asked DH to ask his parents to stay close to home while watching the kids and if they did have to go somewhere, to make sure MIL drives, due to FILs history.
Well...DH just got off the phone with MIL, checking in on the kids. They were in the car...driving to a mall 30 miles from our home. Guess who was driving? FIL.
You guys, I am livid, just so upset. I asked DH if he talked to his parents about this before our trip like I asked him to. He said no.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?
He would rather spare their feelings than be concerned about the safety of our kids.
What do I do? We are 4000 miles from home and DH isn't speaking to me now bc he thinks I am being irrational. I am so pissed at him and worried about the kids. Anxiety levels are at a high.
Talk me down...or tell me it's OK to push him off the balcony.
I would be pissed at DH and at the inlaws. When picking my children up I would point blank ask them- why did FIL drive to the mall when in the past we have specifically told you both we didn't want him to drive the kids around? They are as much to blame as DH. Just because they didn't get a reminder doesn't mean they get to do whatever they want.
I would be extremely, extremely pissed. This is not a sweep-under-the-rug kind of issue.
Go get yourself a "chocolat chaud" at Angelina's on Rue Rivoli to make yourself feel better and book yourself a treatment at the Nuxe Spa while you're in Paris.
So, I'd be raging. But I wouldn't be as pissed about him not reminding them as I would be about his attitude about it. For him to say YOU'RE being irrational- that's the rage part.
Should he have talked to them? Sure. But really, in the end, this is on the ILs. THEY KNOW how you feel. THEY KNOW. But you know they sweep stuff under the rug. Right? So - even with a reminder from DH, they still may have done this.
The reminder, honestly, is the least of the issues here.
And after this, never ever would I let the ILs watch your kids again. Ever. I also hope your DHs reaction is partially defensive and that once he's had time to think about it, he'll realize that your reaction is very, very rational.
If your mom can't pick them up, you need to call a friend, co worker or SOMEONE you trust to pick your kids up. If no one can watch them for the remainder of your trip, your DH gets on the next plane home.
And as others have said, the ILs don't get to watch your kids unsupervised ever again. Their lack of judgment means they forfeit any trust they may have previously had.
So DH and I finally just spoke after two hours of not speaking. And he just turned it all around on me, saying that my mom is a psychotic driver too and she shouldn't have been trusted with the kids. WTF? And he is for real raging at me over it.
And he told me he is going to tell his parents the minute he gets home tomorrow that they are NEVER allowed to babysit again. oK great. Except he doesn't mean it, he is being a drama queen.
I would call my mom to go get the kids except I don't know where anyone is right now...probably at the mall still? But the ILs have our car with our kids and our car seats...
If your mom can't pick them up, you need to call a friend, co worker or SOMEONE you trust to pick your kids up. If no one can watch them for the remainder of your trip, your DH gets on the next plane home.
And as others have said, the ILs don't get to watch your kids unsupervised ever again. Their lack of judgment means they forfeit any trust they may have previously had.
I'm sorry. (((Hugs)))
My DH is already on the next plane home. It is 7:20pm here in Paris and he is on the 10:50 am flight to Detroit in the morning.
And it is now agreed that the ILs will never watch the kids again.
So DH and I finally just spoke after two hours of not speaking. And he just turned it all around on me, saying that my mom is a psychotic driver too and she shouldn't have been trusted with the kids. WTF? And he is for real raging at me over it.
And he told me he is going to tell his parents the minute he gets home tomorrow that they are NEVER allowed to babysit again. oK great. Except he doesn't mean it, he is being a drama queen.
I would call my mom to go get the kids except I don't know where anyone is right now...probably at the mall still? But the ILs have our car with our kids and our car seats...
Call your MIL, ask where they are. Tell her that your mom will be there in xxx amount of time to get the kids. She'll take the kids and drive them back to your house and your ILs can drive themselves alone. Then once back at your house they can be on their way and your mom takes over.
"We have told you we did not want FIL left alone with the children or to drive them around - ever. You chose to go against our wishes and I can not trust you anymore. Your actions and lack of regard for our rules gave us no other choice. My mom is in charge of the kids from now until DH gets home."
So DH and I finally just spoke after two hours of not speaking. And he just turned it all around on me, saying that my mom is a psychotic driver too and she shouldn't have been trusted with the kids. WTF? And he is for real raging at me over it.
And he told me he is going to tell his parents the minute he gets home tomorrow that they are NEVER allowed to babysit again. oK great. Except he doesn't mean it, he is being a drama queen.
I would call my mom to go get the kids except I don't know where anyone is right now...probably at the mall still? But the ILs have our car with our kids and our car seats...
Classic defensive behavior. Your DH needs to grow up and talk to his parents. Honestly, I am not sure how your FIL even maintains a driver;s license. I do not think he should be driving at all.
Post by ilikedonuts on Mar 14, 2015 13:33:12 GMT -5
Your mom needs to still get them now. No matter how little there is left. Your ILs are irresponsible selfish people. They do not get another second with your kids.
I usually think everyone on here is a bit overdramatic when they are mad about things, but I would be legit pissed at this. I won't leave DD alone with my father because of his health issues and I've made it clear that he isn't to drive her anywhere. I think his feelings are probably hurt,but so be it. I would be crazy pissed if my H pulled something like yours....grrr...I hope you can enjoy the rest of your trip in Paris regardless!
Is be furious. My dad is not narcoleptic, but a terrible driver. He's been in numerous accidents that were his fault and way too many close calls. There are rules that he is not to drive any grandkids. We know that my pre to have taken off with my mom driving and switched drivers during the trip wit my niece and nephew (they are old enough to tattle). As a result I made it perfectly clear neither of my parents are to ever drive my children. A couple months ago I was out of town and my parents were visiting. We had a nanny watching the girls during the day but the nanny and my parents decided to take the girls out and they decided my dad should drive. I was livid when I found out, my parents were afraid to be at my house when I got back. My husband calmly explained why he and I were so unhappy and I think they understood.
Since then they seem to get it that while they don't agree with the rule they will respect it and aren't going to drive my kids. Hopefully your in laws will realize how upset this has made you and respect your wishes going forward. It sounds like your DH needs to get on the same peg as you to fully get through to his parents.
OK. It's good that he is on the next flight home. Your kids need to be rescued from your ILs and it sounds like your H needs some time to calm himself down and start thinking rationally about this situation, because his judgment is clearly clouded right now.
For myself, I would try (and this would be hard but I would TRY) to assume positive intent for your H. It is difficult and upsetting to see a parent age and lose a crucial part of their freedom, like the ability to drive. My family went through hell when my grandmother's driving privileges were revoked and it was very difficult for everyone. Your FIL and MIL sound like they are in denial about his problem, again because this is a hard thing to watch or go through. That doesn't make ANY of this okay but it usually helps me to calm down and handle problems more productively when I can at least make an effort to see the other side.
Your H needs to go home and send your ILs away (assuming your mom or someone else cannot pick them up--if you can arrange for another caregiver in the interim I would jump on that IMMEDIATELY) but at this point I would not have him talking to them about the incident. I would not trust him to be able to remove himself emotionally from the situation just yet since he has shown that he is doing a poor job handling it up to this point. I would just have him go home, take over, and then once you arrive back as well you need to have a big talk with him. I would focus first on the incident with your ILs and come up with a plan about how to handle it (spoiler alert, the only correct answer is for them to never take care of the kids again, but you guys need to be on the same page about it and he needs to understand why). If he legit has an issue with how your mom drives, even though I agree it is totally unrelated to this incident, you guys can talk about that too as part of establishing some rules for who all is allowed to drive your kids and in what circumstances. Then depending on your comfort level, either he needs to deliver the news to your ILs or you can do it together--but in ANY case it needs to be presented as a unified decision by both of you. He cannot go to them and be like "Well I am ok with you driving but mellymel says..." If he has trouble hurting their feelings he is going to need to get over it--they are making decisions that are not based in the reality of your FIL's condition and they can choose to do that, but they need to accept the consequence that your trust in them is irrevocably broken and they may not be alone with your kids anymore.
Again I am so sorry this happened. Honestly if things didn't go generally the way I outlined above with my H, this would be a major marriage issue for us that would at the very least drive us to counseling. It is really sad to see a parent with a debilitating condition like this but your H MUST put your children's lives and safety above his parents' irrational decisions and sensitivity about this issue. Full stop.
My advice - stop talking about this with him for now. He's just being defensive and talking out his ass. Give him some time and space to think about this. Even if that's after you get home. Hopefully by then he'll realize you're fully in the right.