S/O Love Languages

[picksthemusic]

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[Deleted]

confession: I think the love languages thing is really stupid. I'm sorry picks!

*runs and hides*

[jennlin]

Aug 10, 2012 11:25:17 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

confession: I think the love languages thing is really stupid. I'm sorry picks!

*runs and hides*

pssst. me too. *hides from picks with uw*

[amandasw]

Aug 10, 2012 11:25:58 GMT -5 jennlin said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:25:17 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

confession: I think the love languages thing is really stupid. I'm sorry picks!

*runs and hides*

pssst. me too. *hides from picks with uw*

I mean, H thinks they're stupid (and the phrase weirds me out), but IMO they aren't wrong. there's a difference

[jennlin]

Aug 10, 2012 11:27:15 GMT -5 @amandasw said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:25:58 GMT -5 jennlin said:

pssst. me too. *hides from picks with uw*

I mean, H thinks they're stupid (and the phrase weirds me out), but IMO they aren't wrong. there's a difference

okay. the phrase is stupid. it's true, some people prefer to give/get love in certain ways, but i think tying yourself down to a certain "language" is an excuse for unhappiness.

*still hiding*

[picksthemusic]

Aug 10, 2012 11:25:58 GMT -5 jennlin said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:25:17 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

confession: I think the love languages thing is really stupid. I'm sorry picks!

*runs and hides*

pssst. me too. *hides from picks with uw*

Thanks, guys. Thanks. A. Lot.

[Deleted]

Aug 10, 2012 11:29:36 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:25:58 GMT -5 jennlin said:

pssst. me too. *hides from picks with uw*

Thanks, guys. Thanks. A. Lot.

I'm not directing the stupid at you, Picks. I pink puffy heart you!

I just hate the term and I don't think it works for every relationship, such as mine. H and I are too skeptical and cynical to do this. Our hearts are made of stone.

[amandasw]

Aug 10, 2012 11:29:06 GMT -5 jennlin said:

okay. the phrase is stupid. it's true, some people prefer to give/get love in certain ways, but i think tying yourself down to a certain "language" is an excuse for unhappiness.

*still hiding*

I'm not sure I understand what you mean... why would this make people unhappy to understand something about themselves? That's like saying people can never explain their cultural background because it's an excuse to not get along with people or something. Even if a book had never been read about it, I could tell you that I feel loved when H spends time with me - walking, eating, sitting etc. And it's VERY obvious that H responds to acts of service.

[georgeharrison]

I think when the two people are really different in what makes them feel loved, it's good to identify that and make sure you know what makes your spouse feel loved. Physical touch isn't James's, so when I feel like he needs an extra boost or is having a bad day, I'm not going to go over and make out with him.

Whether you call them "love languages" and whether you identify them with these specific names doesn't matter that much, but making sure you know how to make your partner feel loved does matter. If the two people are really similar in these things, it's not that hard to just do what would make you feel loved - which is what most people do. But, at least for us, if I did for James what makes me feel loved, he wouldn't.

[picksthemusic]

Aug 10, 2012 11:29:06 GMT -5 jennlin said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:27:15 GMT -5 @amandasw said:

I mean, H thinks they're stupid (and the phrase weirds me out), but IMO they aren't wrong. there's a difference

okay. the phrase is stupid. it's true, some people prefer to give/get love in certain ways, but i think tying yourself down to a certain "language" is an excuse for unhappiness.

*still hiding*

I don't think I'm trying to find an excuse for why he's unhappy... but I really had to shift how I give love to him when we got together, because he got SUPER hurt when I wasn't giving him thoughtful gifts for holidays and stuff. It's not my forte, but because I know it's SO important to him and it's how he feels loved the most, I changed what I did so he'd know how much I truly care.

That being said, he still hasn't changed much on how he does things when he knows how much I love certain things.

It's not an all the time thing, either. I just notice when things don't happen for long periods of time, and so does he.

[amandasw]

Aug 10, 2012 11:32:18 GMT -5 georgeharrison said:

I think when the two people are really different in what makes them feel loved, it's good to identify that and make sure you know what makes your spouse feel loved. Physical touch isn't James's, so when I feel like he needs an extra boost or is having a bad day, I'm not going to go over and make out with him.

Whether you call them "love languages" and whether you identify them with these specific names doesn't matter that much, but making sure you know how to make your partner feel loved does matter. If the two people are really similar in these things, it's not that hard to just do what would make you feel loved - which is what most people do. But, at least for us, if I did for James what makes me feel loved, he wouldn't.

this. exactly.

[jennlin]

Aug 10, 2012 11:31:50 GMT -5 @amandasw said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:29:06 GMT -5 jennlin said:

okay. the phrase is stupid. it's true, some people prefer to give/get love in certain ways, but i think tying yourself down to a certain "language" is an excuse for unhappiness.

*still hiding*

I'm not sure I understand what you mean... why would this make people unhappy to understand something about themselves? That's like saying people can never explain their cultural background because it's an excuse to not get along with people or something. Even if a book had never been read about it, I could tell you that I feel loved when H spends time with me - walking, eating, sitting etc. And it's VERY obvious that H responds to acts of service.

IMO, if someone needs reason A to feel loved, and someone prefers to do reason B...you say "sorry, i think reason B makes more sense". or..."i'll do reason A for you, but i don't think it makes sense"... you're not truly happy doing the things. i think that sure, you can have a "language", but you need to be open and accepting of other ways..and if somebody doesn't give you your "language", then you need to figure it out and accept it the way it is.

does that make sense? or maybe h and i are just like mr.&mrs.husky. we have stone hearts and tell each other to suckitupandgrowapair - this is what you get.

[picksthemusic]

Aug 10, 2012 11:38:04 GMT -5 jennlin said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:31:50 GMT -5 @amandasw said:

I'm not sure I understand what you mean... why would this make people unhappy to understand something about themselves? That's like saying people can never explain their cultural background because it's an excuse to not get along with people or something. Even if a book had never been read about it, I could tell you that I feel loved when H spends time with me - walking, eating, sitting etc. And it's VERY obvious that H responds to acts of service.

IMO, if someone needs reason A to feel loved, and someone prefers to do reason B...you say "sorry, i think reason B makes more sense". or..."i'll do reason A for you, but i don't think it makes sense"... you're not truly happy doing the things. i think that sure, you can have a "language", but you need to be open and accepting of other ways..and if somebody doesn't give you your "language", then you need to figure it out and accept it the way it is.

does that make sense? or maybe h and i are just like mr.&mrs.husky. we have stone hearts and tell each other to suckitupandgrowapair - this is what you get.

I understand what you're saying. And most of the time, this is how it is with us, too. I think DH puts up with me being all kissy-huggy-hand-holdy on him because he knows that's how I feel loved most, even though he's not the most openly PDA/affectionate guy on the planet. Also, when it's my birthday, or Mother's Day, or he knows I'm upset, he tends to touch me more than he normally does, and I know he's trying his best to make me feel loved/feel better.

[amandasw]

Aug 10, 2012 11:38:04 GMT -5 jennlin said:

IMO, if someone needs reason A to feel loved, and someone prefers to do reason B...you say "sorry, i think reason B makes more sense". or..."i'll do reason A for you, but i don't think it makes sense"... you're not truly happy doing the things. i think that sure, you can have a "language", but you need to be open and accepting of other ways..and if somebody doesn't give you your "language", then you need to figure it out and accept it the way it is.

does that make sense? or maybe h and i are just like mr.&mrs.husky. we have stone hearts and tell each other to suckitupandgrowapair - this is what you get.

this is exactly what I'm saying though! The point is, you recognize what you each appreciate - hopefully you're in a loving relationship where you want to make the other person happy... right? So then you both try to do what makes the other person happy and appreciate whatever attempts they make. H doesn't believe in love languages, we've never talked about it except for him to say it's stupid. But I know without a doubt that if I am selfish about my actions he finds it extremely hurtful where I would just be like "oh, whatever".

and really, it's not about what 'makes sense', since when do feelings ever make sense?

[mkate710]

I'm not a fan of the book and the titles weird me out (love bank? it's like I'm reducing my relationship to a transaction). That said, I think the concept is solid. I didn't marry H just so he could cater to me and make me perfectly happy all the time. I want to understand what I can do to make him feel loved and appreciated, and sure enough, it's often different from what I need to feel loved and valued.

But don't make me pick between presents and quality time and affirmation. I want it all

[jennlin]

Aug 10, 2012 11:42:10 GMT -5 @amandasw said:

Aug 10, 2012 11:38:04 GMT -5 jennlin said:

IMO, if someone needs reason A to feel loved, and someone prefers to do reason B...you say "sorry, i think reason B makes more sense". or..."i'll do reason A for you, but i don't think it makes sense"... you're not truly happy doing the things. i think that sure, you can have a "language", but you need to be open and accepting of other ways..and if somebody doesn't give you your "language", then you need to figure it out and accept it the way it is.

does that make sense? or maybe h and i are just like mr.&mrs.husky. we have stone hearts and tell each other to suckitupandgrowapair - this is what you get.

this is exactly what I'm saying though! The point is, you recognize what you each appreciate - hopefully you're in a loving relationship where you want to make the other person happy... right? So then you both try to do what makes the other person happy and appreciate whatever attempts they make. H doesn't believe in love languages, we've never talked about it except for him to say it's stupid. But I know without a doubt that if I am selfish about my actions he finds it extremely hurtful where I would just be like "oh, whatever".

and really, it's not about what 'makes sense', since when do feelings ever make sense?

okay good. i'm really tired and i can't focus. we're saying the same thing? good. still friends? yay!

[georgeharrison]

amanada, we are the same way. James says that the love language thing is stupid. I "made" him take a test online once, and he just shrugged it off. BUT, his love language is obviously words of affirmation, and if I don't affirm him, he feels like I don't recognize what he's accomplished. I don't like people to affirm me, it makes me feel uncomfortable - like I'm exposed, so I have to put the extra effort in to remember that he really needs that.

[amandasw]

Aug 10, 2012 11:45:09 GMT -5 jennlin said:

okay good. i'm really tired and i can't focus. we're saying the same thing? good. still friends? yay!

LOL I mean, it's very possible that this has never come up for you guys because you're very similar in how you feel and show love. H and I are definitely in the "opposites attract" category!

[madDawg228]

I think the Love Languages are only helpful/necessary for couples who don't share the same language, when a couple feels especially loved in the same way they don't need to really think about how to express it.

I'm Acts of Service and H is Words of Affirmation. I have "daddy issues" with love expressed verbally (my dad is a self-centered flake who never keeps promises), so I get ragey when H expresses love all WoA-like. That has lead to hurt feelings in our relationship, but I feel that keeping our "Love Languages" in mind does help a little. I hope that made sense, I'm a tired zombie today

[picksthemusic]

Aug 10, 2012 12:15:07 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

Whether you like the titles or not, I think the idea is very helpful. If you try to show love, respect, etc. to your partner in the way that makes you feel better, but it doesn't help them, you might both get frustrated. It's like how women get frustrated w/ men who try to "fix" things when you just want them to listen. If you want to make your partner feel loved and appreciated, it is important to know what makes them feel loved and appreciated, not what makes you feel like you are showing them that you love them and then they better just appreciate your effort. That doesn't work. Maybe those of you who disagree just have the same "language" as your partner.

I don't care about gifts per se, but it hurts my feelings if DH puts no thought/effort into my b-day, V-day, anniversary, etc. To DH these aren't important and he doesn't care if I do something special for him or not. So, I do something special, he does nothing, I get upset b/c I did all this for him and he didn't for me. So, you have to talk about it and understand where the other is coming from, like jennlin said, but I also expect DH to change what he does b/c he now knows what is important to me.

For, me I don't have one language. I think the test said acts of service, but quality time and touch are important too.

Like BA, DH's is definitely affirmations, which I don't do enough of for DH. Probably, b/c that is not something that I *need.* But, I try to be aware that he needs it and remember to compliment him more.

Yeah, I think that DH's other language is affirmations, because he gets SO HURT if I don't back him up, stick up for him (especially in public or in front of his family), but absolutely glows if I tell his family or my family about something he did for me. And because it's not something I need, I sometimes forget to do that for him.

[BlackCanary]

I don't like the name, but I do like the concept a little.

DH and I do have different "love languages." Maybe I'm being selfish but it's sometimes hard for me to remember that. He is more about quality time/physical tough. While I'm more about words of affirmation.

I'm probably not making any sense...I apologize.

[hallows]

I don't really know too much about they "types" of love languages, but I'm grateful that H and I are pretty similar. We show each other love through thoughtful gifts, doing things for each other, "love pets," etc. But in the bedroom, we both like to get to business.