How do you deal with

[cgpm]

being excluded/left out?  I've realized in recent weeks that this is something I really struggle with.  I mean, I eventually get over it, but I have a hard time just being like, "whatever. It's no big deal."  I tend to dwell on wondering why I wasn't invited, which I know isn't productive.  Anyone have any strategies?

If you're bored and feel like reading, here are a few examples of what I mean:

Dept. celebrates bdays at our monthly dept. meeting.  In the month of my birthday, they didn't do anything.  I thought maybe they were waiting to do something on the actual day during lunch.  Nope.  They waited until the last minute and did something for our boss and were like "oh and happy birthday to physics teacher and cgpm."  It just felt like such an afterthought, but maybe I'm reading into it.

The other example is my pg coworker had her work shower last week.  I've team taught with her for 4 years, she visited me after surgery, has been to my house multiple times for parties.  Two other ladies planned her work shower and I volunteered to make the cake and help if they needed me. Apparently these ladies also planned her family shower since her mom wasn't going to do anything.  I found out that these ladies (who I have invited to my parties and have hung out with, etc.) invited a couple of other teachers to the family shower, but I was not (found out from a teacher who was invited after the fact).  It just stung because I guess I thought I had some work "friends."

Finally, my uncle is visiting and staying with my parents.  I asked if my mom was planning a dinner or anything so I could make plans to see him.  She said that they might be doing something on Sat. night.  I thought she meant that she was hosting.  Turns out my aunt is hosting and as of yet, I haven't been invited.  I'm very close with this aunt (she's my mom's best friend and has no kids of her own) so I guess I'm a little sad she didn't think of me knowing that this is something I would want to go to.  I would also think that she'd be extra sensitive about it since she herself struggles when she is excluded from things.

TL;DR:  Too many feelings! Lots of whining. Lol.

[melsamoony]

I understand the feelings you have a little bit. ((hugs))

I am usually ok w not being invited to a thing or two. I get more upset when I regularly don't get invited to things/if people are immature and invite certain people to something but then keep talking about future planned event in front of people who aren't invited.

I don't really read much into not being invited to things when it is isolated. I don't get invited to many things by my coworkers but I am their supervisor so I get it. It only hurt my feelings when I was hormonal and pregnant and they were talking about it nonstop in front of me.

I guess I am not much help.

[Deleted]

((Hugs)) I'm sorry you're feeling excluded. I can relate - I feel like it has happened to me a lot.

A few years ago some friends of H's and mine started phasing us out, not inviting us to things, etc. I understood because they were also friends with my (abusive) ex, and they didn't want to juggle us both. It definitely stung, although I did realize that I'm better off without people like that. I thought the women, at least, valued my friendship, but apparently not.

I've been trying to get closer to the wives of some of my H's friends, but they already are close-knit and knew each other for years. I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong, but I do know they have get-togethers that I would have been really happy to be invited to. This, too, stings a bit, but it seems like people have their little circles sometimes and don't really want to welcome newcomers that much.

I think all you can do is be friendly and approachable. With the work stuff, I would try not to let it bother me too much. I know it's easier said than done, but at the end of the day I don't think it's worth losing sleep over.

With the family gathering, it could be they assumed that you knew you were invited and welcome? I don't know, but it sounds to me like they would be happy to have you there. I would mention something like, oh, what time is dinner on Saturday? It doesn't sound like they were intentionally excluding you, but I understand why you felt forgotten. I wouldn't be confrontational or anything, but I'd say something to confirm what time etc.

[wanderingenough]

I'm sorry you are feeling left out. That's the worst!

Is it possible the work gals just thought you wouldn't be interested in another shower? Or didn't want you to feel like you had to spend money on another gift?

And with the fam, I'd bet she just figures you know you are invited. Maybe your mom mentioned you were coming, so she figured you knew?

[travelbug]

(((cgpm)))

I'm sorry you're going through this. Being left out sucks. It doesn't matter if it's intentional or not. I try to not let it bother me when it happens and try to do something somewhat "fun" like scrapbooking, baking, taking a bath etc to pamper myself a little bit.

With the co-workers I wouldn't push it the last thing you want to do is create drama. Family, I think you would be more than welcome to go to the gathering, but like a few others have said I would just call and check plans!

Sending good thoughts your way! Also it's nice to see you posting over here more

[cgpm]

Mar 19, 2015 18:05:36 GMT -5 @moonbeam said:

With the family gathering, it could be they assumed that you knew you were invited and welcome? I don't know, but it sounds to me like they would be happy to have you there. I would mention something like, oh, what time is dinner on Saturday? It doesn't sound like they were intentionally excluding you, but I understand why you felt forgotten. I wouldn't be confrontational or anything, but I'd say something to confirm what time etc.

See, my mom's side of the family is big and my grandmother tends to invite people to other family members' houses when they weren't actually invited.  This really aggravates my mom and aunt.  My mom and aunt have also been doing things together without me in recent months so it's been hard for me to know when I am welcome and when I am not.  I would never pick up the phone and call and ask because I don't want to be rude.

She did call last night and invited us.  I guess I just wanted to be invited because she thought to include me, not because my mom asked if we were being invited.  Oh well.  We're going and I'll just try not to think about it.

[estrellita]

I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I get left out of things a lot and it hurts. I've tried to just focus on the friends I do have. I also try to make plans myself and invite people. Lastly, I've been working on not letting things like this get to me. Easier said than done, but there's no sense in dwelling on people that don't care about your friendship as much as you do. This is why I have a lot less friends than I used to, but the ones I have are awesome!

[Deleted]

((hugs)) I am left out of stuff a lot. I kinda just let it go now.

DH and I have been left out of lots of events at friends houses and family members houses in the last few years. The events at my "bff" house hurts the most when I am not invited, but thanks to facebook it's hard to not see. We just let it go and plan a "date night." I have pretty thick skin so I don't take it as personally as I used to but Dh doesn't so he sometime take it personally. We try to plan different things on those days. It may be a night out with the 2 of us or we invite other friends to our house.

I have to be honest that it hurts sometimes. I try to do other things. DH and I will go out sometimes. Sometimes I will find a movie or event going on and go. We try to stay busy.