I would go because it was my mom. I think I would be hurt if someone in my immediate family didn't come to my wedding. I'd imagine she would feel the same.
Post by rosesandpetals on Mar 22, 2015 20:37:43 GMT -5
I don't think the being able to afford it aspect is relevant. I don't have any idea how much anyone spends on their wedding or where the money comes from.
I would try to make it but if you can't afford the plane tickets, maybe leave the toddler with dh and go alone?
Why does your mother not know of your concerns? Do you not have a relationship with her?
I don't think her finances or how she plans her wedding are any of your business - at least they don't have bearing on whether you should go or not. Yes, in a perfect world you would be involved and they'd be sensible and your daughter would be the flower girl. But, that's not real life.
Why can't your DH and DS go? It would seem a parent getting married is reason to take vacation days or time off of school.
Unless you are estranged and literally can't afford to go, I don't see why you'd wouldn't want to try to go?
Yes, I would go. I would either fly with the 2-year old (and take MIL up on her offer to come and help out), or go alone. In either case, I'd probably make it a pretty short trip, but I would make the effort to be there, all issues aside.
It kind of sucks...but I think a discussion with your mom is in order? I mean...you either don't go and things hit the fan, or you do go and get over it and play nice forever...or really confront your concerns (I don't think her being able to afford it is an issue--but your concerns about him, how your relationship has changed, etc).
I mean this respectfully, but it seems you do not want your Mom marrying this man and don't want to go,so the logistical issues are exemplifiedexemplified and it seems you have thought of all the reasons not to go. I know it is hard to predict, but what do you think the chances are you will be okay through the ceremony emotionally? Why are you worried about this man? Have you found troubling info or just gut instinct.
PDQ, I'm going to DD this all later because it's super personal and I don't want anyone finding this
This is exactly it. I think I will be fine through the ceremony. I can be pretty stoic when I need to be.
Go or don't go but I sure as fuck wouldn't drive with my 2 yr old for 20 hours. That sounds awful. Just leave both kids with your h and go alone if you want why do you have to bring the toddler?
Unfortunately you aren't going to change her mind at this point. So you can go and be.there for your mom because you love her. Or you can not to and make it a big thing.
As hard as it is to see her take advantage of your grandma it is your grandmas choice to give her money or not. And not your business unless your grandma gave you POA.
I guess because she's just so super excited about this wedding. And I don't want to ruin it. Also, I'm not 100% sure that she'll believe me or that she'll be able to stand up to him if she confronts him. I am afraid it will blow up into a huge thing and she'll take his side and we will have no relationship at all.
The sad thing is, I don't even think she likes him that much. I truly believe she's getting married for a big wedding she's always dreamed of.
Argh. That situation sucks. It sounds like you are hurt that you haven't been included, and that is totally understandable. Do you think that your mom is even aware that you are feeling left out? She might just be very self absorbed right now. By no means am I making excuses for her. As for having a conversation about her fiancé, I understand where you are coming from. I know that having that conversation would be incredibly difficult, and your right, she'll probably jump to his defence and it could put a very big strain on your relationship. (I know, I've been there) I know that it is really less than ideal of a situation for you, but for your mom's sake, having you there probably means the world. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Post by penguingrrl on Mar 22, 2015 21:51:07 GMT -5
Are you willing to lose your relationship with her entirely? Because I think not going would do exactly that. I know that if any member of my immediate family skipped my wedding I would be devastated and feel I couldn't count on them.
Also, why are you going alone with the toddler? Why are your husband and son missing your mother's wedding? That seems unusual to me unless there's no way around it. I'm pretty over-the-top as far as not letting my kids miss school for anything, but a grandparent's wedding would be one of the few places I would bend my rules.
That said, it also seems like you and your sister may want to bring your concerns to her. Not about the money, that's none of your business. But you should bring up the inappropriate stories and comments. I would be really upset if I found out after the fact that my mom/sister/daughter had serious concerns about someone I was marrying and didn't tell me, even if our relationship wasn't in the best place at the time.
Post by chatterbox on Mar 22, 2015 22:10:02 GMT -5
This is a tough one. When I was in my 20's my mom had a fiancé who was a horrible person. He used her, drank way too much, and verbally abused my little brothers. If they had actually gone through with getting married I absolutely would not have attended, however she wouldn't have expected me to since I had been very vocal about how I felt about him. I wouldn't blame you for not showing up, but I think you owe it to her to explain why. That being said, she's an adult and there probably isn't anything you can say to change her mind. Sorry you're in this sucky situation
If it were me, I would suck it up and go because to not go would mean to lose my mom. 5/10/15 years from now, the asshole she's marrying could be out of the picture, and she'll still be your mom. As hard as it is, I would try to separate my dislike for her fiancé from my relationship with her.
And I would NEVER let my kids alone around him, which it sounds like won't be difficult since they live so far away.