I bet $5 after tonight everything will be much bettter and she'll be sorry she said all those things about her H because she just taid them because she was mad. He will apologize, tell her he will carry his weight, and no more name calling. You watch everything will be fixed by 9 pm.
This guy cannot delay his own gratification at all. He needs to spend $16 NOW to the detriment of paying your bills on time. He doesn't want to do the dishes because he wants to play video games instead. He gets mad at you for nagging at him and asking him to do things because it might cause him to delay doing what he wants at that very moment.
This is a man who is selfish. This is not going to get better. He is going to keep pushing the limits of what you'll tolerate until he gets his life the way he wants it. And it will be only the way he wants it because he doesn't give a shit about what you want.
He also does not know the fine art and necesarry art of COMPROMISE.
That was no frigging emergency, to get that part for his game. He could have waited on it.
What do you think will happen when you have kids?
I guarantee you here and now you will be single parenting the child. If this little divisive jerk won't pitch in now with things, hoo boy -- wait until the kiddo comes along.
And your child is sure to hear the arguments and hear his mother called a bitch.
Is this what you want?
I think not.
I urge you to look into counseling. THis can't be fixed on your own. You need a professional's intervention.
This guy cannot delay his own gratification at all. He needs to spend $16 NOW to the detriment of paying your bills on time. He doesn't want to do the dishes because he wants to play video games instead. He gets mad at you for nagging at him and asking him to do things because it might cause him to delay doing what he wants at that very moment.
This is a man who is selfish. This is not going to get better. He is going to keep pushing the limits of what you'll tolerate until he gets his life the way he wants it. And it will be only the way he wants it because he doesn't give a shit about what you want.
He also does not know the fine art and necesarry art of COMPROMISE. That was no frigging emergency, to get that part for his game whatever. He could have waited on it.
What do you think will happen when you have kids?
I guarantee you here and now you will be single parenting the child. If this little divisive jerk won't pitch in now with things, hoo boy -- wait until the kiddo comes along.
And your child is sure to hear the arguments and hear his mother called a bitch.
Is this what you want?
I think not.
Please bear in mind that she doesn't necessarily mean you'll be divorced and a single parent. You can remain married to this man and still be the only one parenting. You will raise your child/ren alone.
I totally get that youdon't want to throw upyour hands and file because we saidso. I dothink you need to be realistic and set some goals and parameters for yourself & your H. I mean, clearly you're unhappy and don't want to live like this. But where is your threshhold for what's acceptable in a partner, and what is your timeline when you might be willing to call it quits? Can you live like this for 6 months, a year, 5 years? Counseling will help you sort this out.
But remember, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work, and only one to endit. Even though he hasn't said the words, he's doing a good job ending it.
He also does not know the fine art and necesarry art of COMPROMISE. That was no frigging emergency, to get that part for his game whatever. He could have waited on it.
What do you think will happen when you have kids?
I guarantee you here and now you will be single parenting the child. If this little divisive jerk won't pitch in now with things, hoo boy -- wait until the kiddo comes along.
And your child is sure to hear the arguments and hear his mother called a bitch.
Is this what you want?
I think not.
Please bear in mind that she doesn't necessarily mean you'll be divorced and a single parent. You can remain married to this man and still be the only one parenting. You will raise your child/ren alone.
That is exactly what I meant. Aprilmaple will be the only parent in the house.
If she comes back tomorrow all mooning over how awesome her H is because he did dishes tonight... I'm going to smash my head through my monitor. Just fair warning.
I bet $5 after tonight everything will be much bettter and she'll be sorry she said all those things about her H because she just taid them because she was mad. He will apologize, tell her he will carry his weight, and no more name calling. You watch everything will be fixed by 9 pm.
I bet $5 after tonight everything will be much bettter and she'll be sorry she said all those things about her H because she just taid them because she was mad. He will apologize, tell her he will carry his weight, and no more name calling. You watch everything will be fixed by 9 pm.
Sitcoms are truth.
Which sitcom is this, then? "2 1/2 Men - 2 1/4 Men"?
He is emotionally abusive. That is a BIG deal. It's not walking out of a marriage for no reason, its abuse. Would you leave him if he started smacking you around while calling you a bitch? That is equally abusive. It's not less just because the scars don't show.
Arguments are normal in a relationship. housework and money are extremely common causes of strife. But complete disrespect is NOT normal. I can't even comprehend being with someone who shows a complete disregard for your feelings and what you say/ ask of him.
Can we have a subboard of people who just want to piss and moan about their situation but don't actually want advice because they aren't going to do a fucking thing about it? geezus.
He does not listen to you and he successively has retained that attribute.
That's a complete lack of respect.
Nobody likes housework. Everybody I know hates it -- and yeah, it's normal to grumble about it and it's normal to have strife over it.
But wow -- he acts like a little kid about it. It's an unecessary evil: you have to do housework.
I do not think setting up a "TO DO" book with everything in it will help: when to do this or that around the house, when to pay for this or that utility, what needs to be done around the house and when.
You could try it --- the both of you sit down on Sunday and review the chores, the invoices that are upcoming for that week that week, etc --- and then discuss who will do what and when.
Can we have a subboard of people who just want to piss and moan about their situation but don't actually want advice because they aren't going to do a fucking thing about it? geezus.
Can we have a subboard of people who just want to piss and moan about their situation but don't actually want advice because they aren't going to do a fucking thing about it? geezus.
Can we keep her??? I want to squish her and love her and hug her all up!
Can we have a subboard of people who just want to piss and moan about their situation but don't actually want advice because they aren't going to do a fucking thing about it? geezus.
Can we keep her??? I want to squish her and love her and hug her all up!
I was always here - creepily lurking. I'm pretty sure I was being held down by my inability to really get my point across without foul language. I am much more comfortable with the liberties that we are allowed here.
Yeah, and we can SEE the freaking posts, to boot!!!
The Nest sure effed up and struck out big time this time. This is a company with a fair amount of money -- they can't make the boards look more decent than that, without losing shit?
They'd lose an elephant in an elevator. That's what.
I know it's not going to change overnight, but if I see effort, that is a step in the right direction.
I'll post tomorrow
Dollars to donuts you won't see any change at all. With the way you describe this it sounds like you are Mommy to him more than a wife/partner.
SMH.
Sure: just by virtue of the fact she's the only one pitching in around the house -- and I will bet you that this guy never even had a job growing up, nor an allowance; his parents gave him every dime he asked for.
Which is another great way to get a kid to grow up not knowing the value of a dollar, nor knowing how money is earned, saved and spent.
Some of the dumb Nesties called it a bribe: an allowance it's still earning your way, even if you're a 5th or 6th grader who keeps their room clean, keeps up their grades and takes out the trash and does even the littlest of things around the house.
I remember getting a whole $5 a week for doing dishes in fifth grade. I thouight it was a real big deal.
Can we have a subboard of people who just want to piss and moan about their situation but don't actually want advice because they aren't going to do a fucking thing about it? geezus.
I was always here - creepily lurking. I'm pretty sure I was being held down by my inability to really get my point across without foul language. I am much more comfortable with the liberties that we are allowed here.
OP, I want to know his side of the story. From everything you've said, I have no doubt you come off as controlling and annoying about things - money, chores, etc. Why is your level of cleanliness the acceptable level? Why are your money management skills the acceptable way? Why not his? Maybe it's because I'm not the cleanest person in the world either, but it rankles me when others force their way on me as if it's the right way. It's not so much that I'm not willing to pitch in and do my fair share, but come at me like a dictator and the odds of having a mature, adult conversation about priorities and responsibilities are pretty much slim to none.
With you two, I think this is more than just having different styles with regards to money and chores. I think you both have terrible communication skills and that's why you're both unhappy. As I mentioned above, I tend towards the messier side of the spectrum, but I've coexisted happily with clean people. We were good communicators, we cared about each other, and we were happy with compromise. I've also lived in abject misery with clean people because they would go catatonic if a bowl was left in the sink. Overreactions provoked the opposite of their intended effect with me.
You two need counseling to fix the communication gaps. It's not a luxury - you need to contribute to the care and well-being of your marriage. In the meantime, work on ways to stop setting each other up to fail. Separate accounts (I call bullshit that you can't). Figure out which chores need to be done on a regular basis and which can slide for a little while. Don't demand he do or not do things like you're his mom.
As for the bitch comment - that can't ever happen again. Ever. He needs to understand that to the core of his being. There will be consequences. That kind of language speaks of a fundamental disrespect for you, not just poor comminucation. If things don't change for the better with counseling, then I'd say that disrespect is systemic. That's when you start making plans for a life without him.
I was always here - creepily lurking. I'm pretty sure I was being held down by my inability to really get my point across without foul language. I am much more comfortable with the liberties that we are allowed here.
I have to say that I'm with Bowies on this one. My husband is a complete neat freak and "clean" mean two different things to both of us. It took a lot of fighting and work for us to come to an understanding about this. Money is really similar too.
Post by datsyuksmommy on May 16, 2012 20:00:27 GMT -5
It's really funny and sad how many women come to TIP to complain about one thing, and have no idea that they actually have serious fundamental problems in their marriages. OP, your husband doesn't need to fix a few little behavior problems. He needs to completely change the way he thinks and what his priorities are. He is selfish, emotionally abusive, childish, and irresponsible. You need to define for yourself what are the deal breakers in your relationship, what you will not put up with. Then you need to ask someone else who you trust (like the wise ladies of TIP, or a counselor) if those are healthy deal breakers. Don't keep changing where the line is because he keeps crossing it.
In addition to discussing the essentials before you are married --- sex, religion, money --- you should also let him know what you consider to be dealbreakers: in other words, one or more of these and endgame, period, no discussion.
Adultery, drug use, alcohol abuse, abuse of any kind (verbal and/or physical) inappropriate "friendships" with anybody at all female or male (this would also include too too too much time spent with friends; you're married; a guy's night out is great, but NOT excessive time spent with a friend or friends) and not putting YOU first in any and all situations.
These are to name a few dealbreakers.
I would say that the disgusting disgraceful way he addresses you is a dealbreaker. It eclipses the fact that he acts like a middle schooler and eclipses the way he thinks money should be handled.
Get yourself to counseling asap. Check with your employer. Many have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that will cover a few counseling sessions. And several insurances will cover it too. Why can't you do his/her/joint accounts? When XH and I were married, this is what we did. Didn't stop him from spending from the joint but we still had it. How involved is he with the finance side of the marriage? I know what it's like being the one with that burden. XH wanted me to take care of it all since I am an accountant. When I could get him to sit down with me and go over the budget and checkbook, he would shape up for a little while. That is worth a try. As far as cleaning.... no suggestions there. The name calling needs to stop now. XH tried that once.... and he never did it again.